bb**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 Id like to explore lots of different kinky things not likely to exist in one person, but im still monogamous, and long term monogamous deep down... I'm not in a LTR, so cant bring in extras to fill the gaps and I'm not keen on ENM/Poly, as one relationship and one Dom is emotion enough. I've never dated as a Sub and when I did date vanilla i wouldn't have dreamed of seeing several ppl at once just to try/experience everything, but that is what my kinky side is screaming at me to do, now that I can. It's like my vanilla values and my kinky values are at war! If you have fought this battle of Vanilla values vs. Kinky values and have insights to share I'd be really grateful 🙏
Sy**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 Umm just roll with it? I fight that dichotomy a lot. There’s no point in holding yourself back from your desires and there’s also no point in judging yourself for it. With all the negativity in the world you don’t need your inner voice yelling at you too. If you know you can’t serve more than one person at at time, don’t! But maybe you can be open to conversations. Or something online with another Dom if your morality lets you. Create content to help feed those other cravings. And go ahead and let the walls slowly fall down in your brain about what should and shouldn’t be. Only you create the should and shouldn’ts. Just being open and honest with people is a great place to start and it looks like you’re doing it!!!!!
Lo**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 You need to think of it as coin. Your vanilla is your outside that you show the world. The other side of the coin is your kink. You need to make a safe place at home for your kink side the moment you step in there. Your a sub and your dom is there for play. It makes it easier to think like that.
ge**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 It's a difficult one to get your head round and for some monogamy is the only way, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. . You say the different kinky things you'd like to explore are unlikely to exist in one person, but think of it another way, if you find someone you trust to explore with, can be open and honest with, and who is just as keen to explore as you, then chances are the vast majority of those things you may be able to explore with just one person, or be able to compromise some of those things for the emotional contentment you find with them. . Perhaps it comes down to priorities and what you can or can't compromise on. Even some of the things you think may not be possible with just one person, ways round it can be found - for example if a threesome is one of those things, doing it *with* that person, rather than separately from them might enable you to get your head round if better.
Th**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 2 hours ago, SympleSyrup said: Umm just roll with it? I fight that dichotomy a lot. There’s no point in holding yourself back from your desires and there’s also no point in judging yourself for it. With all the negativity in the world you don’t need your inner voice yelling at you too. If you know you can’t serve more than one person at at time, don’t! But maybe you can be open to conversations. Or something online with another Dom if your morality lets you. Create content to help feed those other cravings. And go ahead and let the walls slowly fall down in your brain about what should and shouldn’t be. Only you create the should and shouldn’ts. Just being open and honest with people is a great place to start and it looks like you’re doing it!!!!! There are a lot of really great points here. **** I'm not fully awake yet so the brain is foggy. Please bear with the incoming rambling, stream of consciousness comment and feel free to ask for clarification. 😄😄 Without knowing more of the specifics you have in mind I can only give general advice/opinions from my pov. However I'd start with some introspection on why you feel the "shoulds and shouldn'ts" that you do. Just like SympleSyrup said you are the only one that decides those and so many of us "should" ourselves way too much. Are you able to separate any of your kink from D/s? Don't forget that platonic kink and platonic D/s is a thing. It's an option to have an exclusive/monogamous romantic, sexual relationship while still getting some of your kink needs met elsewhere. The spectrum really is pretty limitless. I understand that ENM and poly relationships aren't for everyone for sure but one thing I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to sit with and perhaps stretch your comfort zone around is while you're looking for or searching or "dating" (whatever term fits you) why only get to know or "try on" on person at a time? If ultimately you do feel you're really a one to one person just be open and fully transparent with anyone you're interacting with. "Date" around a bit before having the exclusivity discussion and deciding to stop seeing other people. None of this has to be all or nothing, stretch that comfort zone and test things out ***y bits at a time. From my observation it seems a lot of people will sort of have an unspoken or assumed idea that they either are or aren't also talking to or seeing other people before the "exclusivity talk". I personally feel that having some sort of discussion pretty early on before you're anywhere near the exclusive talk should happen, so neither party is assuming anything is the way to go. Just so they know where the other party stands on those ideas and feelings are less likely to be hurt and there's less room for misunderstandings.
Pe**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 You said that one Dom and one relationship is emotion enough and that you’re not keen on the ENM/poly dynamic so if you feel that way then maybe you should stay like it. Being a female sub, you’re more likely to meet a Dom that would probably indulge your kinks (just my opinion and experience), otherwise if you wanted to explore outside of a dynamic then a Dom would most likely want to as well which would make the dynamic ENM/poly, which you said you aren’t keen on. . Maybe it’s just a case for you to find a Dom that will be willing to indulge all of your kinks. If not then I don’t see any other route than seeing other people that you said you’re not keen on 🤷🏻♀️
Deleted Member Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 You can practice bdsm and be monogamous. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Pe**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 22 minutes ago, denver725 said: You can practice bdsm and be monogamous. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive. I totally agree but she said that one Dom and one relationship was emotional enough
Th**** Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 14 minutes ago, PervyPenelope said: I totally agree but she said that one Dom and one relationship was emotional enough It could still hold though. It really depends on what OP is interested in that they have encountered a previous partner not being into. Not all kink is sexual nor does it require D/s. For instance if OP is interested in needle play, that can absolutely be completely platonic and have no D/s elements.
bb**** Posted June 20, 2023 Author Posted June 20, 2023 Cheers everyone... Reading through this morning and thinking on the why of monogamous for me, its definitly tied to my possesive primal side. The sub in me doesn't want to share but the vanilla me knows/feels that is totally unfair to ask if i haven't given it.
Deleted Member Posted June 20, 2023 Posted June 20, 2023 1 hour ago, bbwsub268 said: Cheers everyone... Reading through this morning and thinking on the why of monogamous for me, its definitly tied to my possesive primal side. The sub in me doesn't want to share but the vanilla me knows/feels that is totally unfair to ask if i haven't given it. I’m submissive and in a monogamous relationship. You can definitely have that.
Sy**** Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 6 hours ago, bbwsub268 said: Cheers everyone... Reading through this morning and thinking on the why of monogamous for me, its definitly tied to my possesive primal side. The sub in me doesn't want to share but the vanilla me knows/feels that is totally unfair to ask if i haven't given it. I am curious, and it’s just for you to challenge yourself… but why do you think it’s unfair? And why are you strictly separating sub and vanilla? Nothing about kink is black and white unless you make it that way. Holding room for the grey scale of experimentation is super important. And the inner dialogue. it sort of sounds like the “sub in you” wants a few different Doms to try different things. Or I might suggest creating a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t exactly “your type” but who has less limits or more interests. and are willing to explore the many avenues with you. Tbh I’ve recently had a dom surprise me because they aren’t my “type” but have really communicated with me and given me some experiences that have both satisfied sexual craving and mental/emotional ones. And I never would have guessed it from a photo. The point is.. maybe you’re not going against and fighting the dichotomy of your own morals. It’s that your own morals are expanding and you’re needing new safe places to pour yourself into as you grow. And crave things in an exploration stage. And safety while you also knock down the walls of comfort. It’s okay to feel slutty and loyal at the same time. Just never to forget to communicate that to a partner if needed!!!!!!!!
Pe**** Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 15 hours ago, ThaliaVirago said: It could still hold though. It really depends on what OP is interested in that they have encountered a previous partner not being into. Not all kink is sexual nor does it require D/s. For instance if OP is interested in needle play, that can absolutely be completely platonic and have no D/s elements. Absolutely it’s not all sex. If she’s fine with her Dom fulfilling his own kinks without her then all good.
Th**** Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 23 minutes ago, PervyPenelope said: Absolutely it’s not all sex. If she’s fine with her Dom fulfilling his own kinks without her then all good. I think her worries are the other way around. She feels like she can't explore all that she wants with one person.
Th**** Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 14 hours ago, bbwsub268 said: Cheers everyone... Reading through this morning and thinking on the why of monogamous for me, its definitly tied to my possesive primal side. The sub in me doesn't want to share but the vanilla me knows/feels that is totally unfair to ask if i haven't given it. I agree with @SympleSyrupwhy do you feel like you need to separate the vanilla and kink parts of you? It's all still who you are. I feel like you're still stuck on "shoulds" a bit there. Also, to sort of reiterate what @gemini_mansaid, there are so many people on *both* sides of the slash who gain pleasure from their partner's pleasure and will experiment with things they either weren't interested in before or didn't think they'd enjoy only to find that they like it because they can see/feel how much their partner does. I know I've experienced this first hand from both perspectives. My partner enjoying something that I was neutral about or didn't really get the appeal of then witnessing their enjoyment really excited me as well as my partner trying something that's a favorite of mine they were previously opposed to yet hadn't tried and getting to witness their shift in thinking and feelings about it because of how very obviously I got enjoyment out if it. As a result, it sort of became a secondary kink for me... to be the first person they tried something with that they were apprehensive about and/or thought they'd dislike then to see that shift into enjoyment. 🤩 OP, I enjoy chatting theory and approaching thinking around things with different perspectives. If you don't want to discuss specifics you're interested in and don't think you can find in one person publicly, feel free to DM me. ** Again, as with other comments of mine. Not fully awake and foggy brain can cause excessive rambling. Please ask if any clarification is needed.
Lauro Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 So being monogamous is a vanilla value? I think you can be kinky and still have this value with you.
Th**** Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 5 minutes ago, Lauro said: So being monogamous is a vanilla value? I think you can be kinky and still have this value with you. Agreed. It's really a fairly common one too it seems.
Kinkykarma84 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 On 6/20/2023 at 12:16 PM, bbwsub268 said: Id like to explore lots of different kinky things not likely to exist in one person, but im still monogamous, and long term monogamous deep down... I'm not in a LTR, so cant bring in extras to fill the gaps and I'm not keen on ENM/Poly, as one relationship and one Dom is emotion enough. I've never dated as a Sub and when I did date vanilla i wouldn't have dreamed of seeing several ppl at once just to try/experience everything, but that is what my kinky side is screaming at me to do, now that I can. It's like my vanilla values and my kinky values are at war! If you have fought this battle of Vanilla values vs. Kinky values and have insights to share I'd be really grateful 🙏
Kinkykarma84 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 When I was younger I was very vanilla but now 100 % kinky. Pegging was the ultimate pleasure for me. So intense. I want explore all sexual desires and fetish
PurpleSarah Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 Finding just that ONE that I can live with, fall in love and completely explore kink with I’m now calling it the Holy Grail I will never give up believing in it But , in the meantime ….
Lu**** Posted June 23, 2023 Posted June 23, 2023 Thank you for posting this, can relate so much to the constant internal battle. Will Post more later but wanted to post to follow this!
Da**** Posted July 1, 2023 Posted July 1, 2023 June 20, bbwsub268 said: Cheers everyone... Reading through this morning and thinking on the why of monogamous for me, its definitly tied to my possesive primal side. The sub in me doesn't want to share but the vanilla me knows/feels that is totally unfair to ask if i haven't given it. Just like you have this, a Dom might be totally fine with your needs. That's the good thing about bdsm. Everybody can get exactly what they want, and give exactly what they have. If there's discussion, and consent. My suggestion is just to keep an eye on it, as you go. It feels like it will soon snap to one or the other and you'll be off on your path. I'm holding out for monogamy with a real connection. The things that are possible when there's deep love, ubderstanding and loyaly. Phew...
Recommended Posts