Domming with ADHD

[Rzero]

In 1993, when I was thir***, I was diagnosed with undifferentiated ADD, what’s now categorized as ADHD inattentive type. Terminology has changed over the years, and I’ve learned coping mechanisms and masking skills, but I still have a lot of the same struggles I always have. I live in a messy house. I can’t remember anything without an alarm on my phone. I walk right past the important reminder note on the front door without even noticing it. Unless I’m seriously engaged (hyperfocused,) I’m soon likely to lose interest in a task to the point that I can’t pay attention for another second. Reading anything longer than ten minutes is close to impossible, again, unless I’m hyper engaged. I lose things. I forget things. It’s tough.

ADHD manifests differently for everyone. Even within my own family, symptoms vary greatly between my dad, my son, my nephew and myself, but there are certain universals. ADHD brains process dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin differently. Consequently, we’re chemically incapable of doing what we’re so often told, namely “Just pay attention!” We also receive less of a chemical boost from completing tasks and a diminished “high” from most achievements, especially when repeated. Our executive function is affected, meaning we have tendencies toward impulsivity, be it blurting in conversations or dubious split-second decision making. Most of us have almost no internal clock and can’t keep to schedules that others find simple to follow.

I’ve also read that we often lose interest early on in otherwise healthy relationships for these exact same reasons. I’d like to say this isn’t one of my symptoms, but I have exes who would swear it’s true, so maybe it is. After all, I’ve never come close to marriage in forty-three years. I’d like to find my forever person, but I don’t know if that’s in the cards.

What does all this have to do with kink? Everything. I’m a dom. I love power exchange, bondage, impact play and so many other things. The problem with being a dom with ADHD is that I’m expected to perform certain tasks I’m hardwired to be terrible at doing. I’m supposed to assign things I have trouble keeping up with personally, like going to bed on time and not procrastinating school or job work. For many subs, it’s an integral part of power exchange. I find myself asking, “How am I supposed to en*** taking vitamins everyday when I can’t remember things like that myself?” It’s even worse in LDR’s, because I have to remember to tuck in at night and say “good morning” every day. If you don’t have ADHD, you cannot possibly appreciate how difficult this is.

There’s an aspect of ADHD I’ve heard best described as “out of sight, out of mind.” If I’m not actively thinking about it or reminded somehow, it almost doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I don’t love. It simply means I have no way of recalling things without prompting, and that can be seriously difficult for a sub (or any significant other, for that matter) to understand or cope with.

What ends up happening is a sort of power trade wherin she takes on responsibilities I've never asked her to take on. Someone with a memory defacto falls into a role of being in charge of remembering. This is not what most subs want. Some, God bless them, are fine with it, but a third and very prominent portion of subs assume a maternal role outside of scenes. It's apparently natural for a lot of people to infantilize someone with ADHD and attempt a parental position with them. I've experienced this in all sorts of relationships. This is, as you would imagine, emotionally confusing for both parties in a D/s dynamic, not to mention insulting to the ADHD brained recipient of this misplaced, belittling attempt at care. In fact, it's generally an unhealthy mess. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate help when I forget things, but sometimes I find myself in the position of having to remind a girlfriend/sub that they're not my mother.

What's to be done with all of this? Fuck if I know. Maybe it just is what it is. Am I doomed to repeat these patterns forever like a specter in a haunted house? I can't say. Despite my hardships, I'm actually very proud of my brain. I'm intelligent enough and fairly creative, two traits extremely common with ADHD, and I'm generally a happy person, if sometimes somewhat lonely. I suppose this is more of an essay (or rant, call it what you will) than a question, but it’s what was on my mind, so there you go. Either way, I hope it's worth something to someone who reads it.

This was all inspired, by the way, by a post about autism and kink written by my great friend and former sub, @kree90 which can be found here:

Give it a read.

[ja****]

Keep telling yourself that…. No disrespect I think it’s a bunch of excuses

[h-****]

20 minutes ago, jay209 said:

Keep telling yourself that…. No disrespect I think it’s a bunch of excuses

Thanks for your medical input. Would love to read your peer reviewed research into congenital neurological disorders

[h-****]

OP I have ADHD and my dom is AuDHD. It absolutely works and is the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had.
.
Ignore the bellends who have no understanding of the nuances of humanity beyond "work harder or suffer". DM me if you wanna chat x

[Th****]

20 minutes ago, jay209 said:

Keep telling yourself that…. No disrespect I think it’s a bunch of excuses

There are also people who believe the earth is flat. 

[om****]

I can very well relate to this. As someone also dealing with a chaotic mind, ADHD is very difficult to just cope with. But to those who don't understand our minds it's hard to comprehend that there's way more to it than just black n' white.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for a refreshingly honest and well explained post on the topic. Lots I relate with here too, as others have said.  I'd firstly say that your ADHD and your desire to deal with these issues within a kink setting can't really be seperated and if you aren't in active treatment or coaching I'd suggest considering it - you deserve a life you find easier! Coaching and the***utic approaches to ADHD have changed a lot since your diagnosis and things are much more strengths based now with the right model of support. Secondly not everything about the way you are wired is bad, even if the negatives are more jarring to you. I'd not be surprised if your previous play partners would have a lot of great things to say about you that you might not associate with your ADHD - playful, spontaneous, affectionate, caring, full of energy, attentive, creative - these are all common strengths we have which I'm sure have found their way into your BDSM practice. Perhaps rather than defining your value to a partner by what you lack, you could balance things a bit by being confident in what you naturally bring to a dynamic that neurotypicals might not. Drop me a message if you'd like to be pals!

Edited June 27, 2023 by Deleted Member
Provided too much personal info

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for the read I'm proud of myself for getting through it haha! Then again i relate and that helps, I also read the autism post too which was also good. I'm not a Dom but I am a sub who has been in a ldr for some time now which even surprises me sometimes but it works for us, I can always be myself and he is always accepting of it. Probably a major *** in the arse sometimes but in a good way hopefully haha and well he is the boss and I will happily be put back in line if needed ☺️

[Rzero]

5 hours ago, Cal-7709 said:

Thanks for a refreshingly honest and well explained post on the topic. Lots I relate with here too, as others have said.  I'd firstly say that your ADHD and your desire to deal with these issues within a kink setting can't really be seperated and if you aren't in active treatment or coaching I'd suggest considering it - you deserve a life you find easier! Coaching and the***utic approaches to ADHD have changed a lot since your diagnosis and things are much more strengths based now with the right model of support. Secondly not everything about the way you are wired is bad, even if the negatives are more jarring to you. I'd not be surprised if your previous play partners would have a lot of great things to say about you that you might not associate with your ADHD - playful, spontaneous, affectionate, caring, full of energy, attentive, creative - these are all common strengths we have which I'm sure have found their way into your BDSM practice. Perhaps rather than defining your value to a partner by what you lack, you could balance things a bit by being confident in what you naturally bring to a dynamic that neurotypicals might not. Drop me a message if you'd like to be pals!

Thanks for this. It does seem as I look back that I've overly focused on the negative. As I said, I'm actually proud of my brain despite any hardships. I wouldn't trade my creativity for any number of neurotypical advantages, not that ADHD has the market cornered on creative thought, but it's a common trait. I'm definitely these things you mentioned as well: playful, spontaneous, etc. I guess some of the struggles were just more on my mind last night as I wrote. I think for me, it's partially about finding the right partner. I've said before when asked to add structure and routine to a potential sub's life that I happen to be looking for a sub who doesn't need me to tell them to brush their teeth and do their taxes. I'm just not that kind of dom, lol.

[ki****]

As someone with extreme adhd, I truly understand your struggles. To first comment on it independent of D/s, from all of my first hand experience and research, I’d say there are roughly 3 prongs to management: medication, modifying your environment/externalizing mental processes, and surrounding yourself with healthy “mirrors” (people). A lack of dopamine and the resultant dopamine-scavenging behaviors need to be addressed somewhat so that you can make progress on effortful, high-friction environmental changes. Addressing object impermanence are time blindness are slightly more tractable and IMO precursors to lasting behavior change. If certain reminders get ignored, simply make it so they can’t be ignored. Be as obnoxious with it as you need to be as long as it’s acceptable to those around you.
If giving instruction, discipline, and guidance to your subs is important to your identity as a dom, then start with domming yourself. As you know, the major upsides to adhd include empathy, perceptiveness, creativity, self-awareness, grit, and if you’ve been around good mirrors, communication. Leading by example in solving your own problems could lead to a solid dynamic with your sub(s).

[ki****]

It took me a over a year of relative solitude to regularize my environment, remove triggers, observe my behavior, and create systems. I had the same feelings you are experiencing. If you or anyone else wants to chat, I’m here

[onyx_aurum78]

I am neurodivergent and proud of it... It is both a gift and a curse, it makes me who I am. I know that it adds value to my interactions in this world, and I would not change it for the anything. In my early years I was diagnosed with Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, and Dyscalculia, and the struggle was real, attempting to function in society which until recently seemed geared to neurotypical behaviour, which made me feel broken. Over time I've come to appreciate the unique insights and perspectives I have, yes dealing with the challenges can be taxing, but the strategies I've developed help. Within the last year, I've been identified as an adult with ADHD. With the help of my support team and the technology available at this time in our civilization's history, I know that I'm truly unstoppable. I feel alive and damn awesome about it...