Problem in open marriage

[Co****]

So I've been in an open marriage for several years now and maybe I'm slow to realize but it sure seems like there's a stigma against the male/husband half of open marriages. My spouse has absolutely no trouble getting people to talk to her even after they find out her relationship status. But me, I don't get replies or I get ghosted when they find out my status.

How does one get around this stigma? Is it a false belief that men claiming open status are just trying to cheat or something???

[Do****]

So some couples do it by having the female make most first contacts. Sounds odd, but it gets past the "he's just cheating" part.

Secondly, just be aware that there is a LOT more demand for women online than men. Most contacts end up with the woman simply finding someone she likes better and dropping everyone else they have been talking to. The women get to be a LOT pickier than the men. 🙃

[Co****]

This is likely not the platform for you. This app is mostly *** it seems. Try Feeld. I’ve met some great ENM and poly folks over there.

[Bl****]

I have the Exact same issue!

[Tr****]

I always have that in married and poly in my profile, so if they read it they already know going in. If they didn't then as soon as I can I ask what they are looking for. When they ask me in return I point out that I want FWB, hookups, and that I'm open to more but it's complicated because I'm married and poly.
Usually mentioning it early on and pointing out that your partner is aware of you doing this goes a long way.

[Jh****]

I definitely experienced the same thing mane. Its waaaaaay easier for females

[Po****]

I have no answers but a great question.

[Le****]

I have also noticed this with me and my husband. I ended up telling him to be upfront about it and if he thought it might go somewhere to give them my contact info if they really had concerns that he was cheating on me.

[vi****]

Unfortenelly this is not a marriage exclusive , single males have much less atention then single females. We could think abouts beauty standards too.

[vi****]

Males always have much less atention than females . And yet an open relationship always bring uncertainities on others. Unfotunatelly

[ge****]

There are a number of factors at play here, and not all of them down to you being attached.
.
Firstly you're effectively in the pool of single blokes on sites like this and as such won't get as much attention as women in a similar position do - to counter this it's important to make an effort to stand out, via your profile, pics and interactions - also need to get your expectations, attitude and approach right.
.
Secondly, in my experience when I was attached and in a similar position to yourself, women tend to be a little more wary than men when it comes to meeting married/attached people - men tend to not care if a woman is attached or not.
.
If your wife is on the same platforms as you, I'd provide details of her profile on yours (assuming she'd be OK with it) - that way anyone concerned can cross-check with her.
.
A lot of it though comes down to my first two points, you can't do much about the second, but control of the first is in your hands.

[Lu****]

Personally, I find it comforting. Let’s me know you understand the dynamic I have with my husband.

[Deleted Member]

In my personal opinion women of a certain age are very aware of what they want and are ready to settle down into a one on one relationship and they are not open to consider other possibilities, I have tried polyamory and it’s just not for me, there is a lot of peace and freedom in it, it’s just not for everyone, just my thoughts. Good luck there is someone out there that will be a good fit for you!!

[ItsSusan]

I not think stigma of open relationship so much reason. Maybe just way life is, hubby tell me old joke… woman get it when want, men get it when can. And site like this sooo many men much less woman.

[Deleted Member]

If a woman wanted to they could click their fingers and connect / play with someone that day - 

 

Men need to demonstrate their value a lot more. It's tough finding a woman ATM 

[Al****]

I think @ItsSusan’s and @Pulsesubzerohave together summed your situation up perfectly.

[Ha****]

Even this lifestyle, Manogamy is very present, you're going to have to get used to your dating pool being very small. Things that would expand, get her involved, if you can be secure enough to do MFM 3somes then maybe she'd do FMF 3somes. N n with that open now you've also expanded into couples. A lot of people are on here for fun at 1st then if things click evolve into something more. Men are way more comfortable with it just being sex then women so of course she's going to find more partners then you. Something that makes them a little more comfortable is if you're poly in the sense that there is a possibility that they can become an equal partner in the relationship, they call it a triad, in doing this, the current relationship of the couple is no longer a thing, the trio relationship is all 3 of y'all's new relationship. The relationship can expanded to as many as all involved agree to expand it but gets more complicated n harder to maintain.

[Al****]

I guess some people can cope with the change in dynamics better than others.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Alexkid said:

I think @ItsSusan’s and @Pulsesubzerohave together summed your situation up perfectly.

Was half expecting a chastised response so thanks for this 

[DarkArts1066]

I am going to agree in part with what most have commented here… but I am also going to try and offer some practical advice also. It is difficult - if not impossible for a Male in a poly relationship to find Females online.
The issue seems to be one of trust on the part of Females (in this instance) reading bios (and I have this on good authority from some of those Females who are reading those bios!)
The implication is often that the Male is part of a relationship, and potentially cheating on a partner within that relationship - and most don’t want to break up an existing dynamic.

People on the kink world are mostly intelligent, thoughtful, caring individuals, who don’t want to destroy relationships.

It is almost impossible to change a persons first opinion of oneself online. Let’s face it, communicating like this is pretty one dimensional - isn’t it ?
You can’t convey your sincerity, openness and honesty about your personality or situation with just the written word effectively. This is especially true if the other person is even remotely suspicious.

So - have you considered looking for actual physical meetings - like munches or parties ?

They don’t have to be full play events, but a physical meeting with a group of likeminded individuals gives you much more of a chance of meeting someone - even moreso, if you can persuade your poly partner to come along - so that potentially interested partners can meet them too.
It’s all about communication, and communication psychology here, and giving potential partners that initial snapshot of you, the decent human being, who just happens to be in an open relationship.
Face to face meets - munches and kink events, are the way forward for you.

Here in the UK, we have a regular event called the LAM or London Alternative Market, which is held at a large venue in London, and is effectively a market, where people can browse all kinds of kink and play equipment…. As well as mix and mingle.
There is an “after party” event in the evening, which I won’t go into in great detail about here …. But people are a lot more relaxed and free to make contacts and form associations. Perhaps try to look for something along those lines ?

And if there isn’t anything like that in your area - why not consider starting one ??

[Ch****]

Same here.. Being in an open relationship is mostly a great turn off for women..
Not to all of them I have to say, fortunately, but it takes away 90% of your chances to meet some ladies..

The famous “equality” among man and woman that many are fighting for is far from being achieved, and these “super hard for man to get anything” factor is blandly neglected and unknown by the most, especially woman, and completely unseen as a real issue…

[SteveStark]

There appears to be an unnecessary or unjustified negative connotation towards the male in an open relationship.
Perhaps some stems from the recent ‘simp’ phenomena who fashion themselves into a pastiche of masculinity.
I also *** a lot of women see this as a way to ‘cheat with permission’, I can certainly attest to this as an ex of mine wanted “Us” to try swinging but only if I was watching. Apparently, she could not handle seeing me with another woman.
A not too interesting or opaque ploy.

[ey****]

While your wife has no problem getting people to talk with her - a big question is how many of these actually go anywhere, are what she wants, etc.

I won't deny it can be tough.   But the question is often a little bit of how does what you offer meet the person you are contacting wants or needs?

The majority of people are actually mono, so being a side relationship or NSA with someone married is seldom appealing to them.  Not never. But rarely.

So the remit you get down to is women who also have non mono arrangements you would fit in with.   This can be difficult, for sure.  

That, in theory, "women have it easier" is actually more of a problem with men.  (it's also a myth) because yes, absolutely, a woman probably could get conversations going a little bit easier - but how many actually are "yes it's worth meeting you" is slim.  And, equally, it is men that the women are chatting to and meeting, not Alpacas.  For every woman seeking something there is a potential man, and so you have to understand how to be that man. 

[oh****]

As someone else commented here, I’m pretty sure this isn’t related to your open marriage—this is just kind of the truth with dating pools and the percentage of men that seek using apps vs. women. I think it’s also a good reminder that, even if it feels unfair that we’re in higher “demand”, at the end of the day, we’re entitled to make our own choices based on what we’re looking for and nobody is entitled to our bodies. Point blank, no stigma around it, just bodily autonomy. There have been so many messages from men in my inbox who seem to feel like they should have access to me because they “deserve” it—I have the right to choose who I communicate with, and even out of that pool, I simply can’t meet every single person that messages me. Once you learn to accept that, let your wife choose who she wants to meet out of her pool and see where things go from there (and even then, you’re not entitled to the bodies of her partners if they’re not interested in being with you as well). You have the choice to be one of the good guys and respect our choices and boundaries, rather than fall into that incel-like trap of believing that the world is unfair because women don’t flock to you and respond to every message that comes in the way you think they should/wish they would.

[Co****]

2 hours ago, shymeena said:

As someone else commented here, I’m pretty sure this isn’t related to your open marriage—this is just kind of the truth with dating pools and the percentage of men that seek using apps vs. women. I think it’s also a good reminder that, even if it feels unfair that we’re in higher “demand”, at the end of the day, we’re entitled to make our own choices based on what we’re looking for and nobody is entitled to our bodies. Point blank, no stigma around it, just bodily autonomy. There have been so many messages from men in my inbox who seem to feel like they should have access to me because they “deserve” it—I have the right to choose who I communicate with, and even out of that pool, I simply can’t meet every single person that messages me. Once you learn to accept that, let your wife choose who she wants to meet out of her pool and see where things go from there (and even then, you’re not entitled to the bodies of her partners if they’re not interested in being with you as well). You have the choice to be one of the good guys and respect our choices and boundaries, rather than fall into that incel-like trap of believing that the world is unfair because women don’t flock to you and respond to every message that comes in the way you think they should/wish they would.

I never once said anything about "deserving" anything. Never once made myself sound entitled or something. I was making an observation that it was way easier for spouse than myself.