Why can’t subs initiate?

[su****]

I’ve been scolded multiple times for both initiating conversations with doms as well as for asking if there where any fem doms to chat with in group chats. It’s irritating and I don’t want to just sit around a wait for someone to approach me. I want to be proactive in my search for a partner. Is this a normal way for subs to feel or for doms to react??

[Deleted Member]

Everyone is different, but I think that some dom’s are over reacting about that. I personally think it’s really cute when a sub initiates something. You can initiate something and be a sub. It doesn’t take your title away

[He****]

No that’s highly unusual and pretty stupid. A conversation is a conversation, and if they’re gonna be petty about who starts it, then they don’t deserve the company.

[Ha****]

I have no problem if subs initiate a conversation. They have every right to approach a Dom.

[Deleted Member]

It's a shame that you're being scolded for this. Everyone is a person first, play second, and proactive people are always cool. Let the trash take itself out, keep doing you, and take a break if any of it is bumming you out. Best of luck in your search!

[Mi****]

Interesting question. I mean with my sub when she brings more of her almost like meh na na na I don't know you. It irritates me and when she asks for something from me and doesn't let me follow through it irritates me. So what I am saying is what brought your frustration on? What did you do?

[me****]

WTF!? Maybe it's just me but that sounds weird. To get mad at a sub for initiating a conversation!?
Honestly, that's probably more hot than irritating. Lol. It shows that "Hey. This sub kind of wants you to dominate".

I don't see a problem at all one bit with you initiating a conversation, kink related or not.

A "dom" getting upset at you initiating a conversation sounds slightly insecure. Like "How DARE you approach me!?" 🤦‍♂️

[ph****]

I am not sure if there is a official answer to this. I feel the same way as you do.

[Sa****]

Sounds like a silly reaction to me...I think everybody should go after what they want...as the saying goes...wish in one hand,spit in the other...see what fills up first...life is not gonna give you what you want if you just sit around wishing for it...it requires action and boldness

[De****]

No, I've approached Dominants within my community and I've only noticed one that doesn't continue conversation. He does this with other submissives and when he has a submissive they sit by themselves.

I've been told that I'm bold, and confident for initiating conversations.

It might be how you're approaching them. Be considerate in your messages.

[Ca****]

It's completely normal as a sub to feel this way. Just remember that doms also get alot of people poking in their dms and it can come off annoying in a group chat. I blame the creepy guy subs for this. I've seen it happen in multiple other places for kink as well. Don't give up you will find a fem dom that works for you.

[DeviantInside]

Normal… I have no idea. But it’s a good indicator that you’re not matched. I have no idea what your initial approach is so can’t give you any insight there. So purely from my own experience (and solely from a Dom perspective) I have had long term relationships (and shorter term ones) both from me approaching and from subs approaching me. If anything it’s always been far more likely to have come from someone approaching me as I don’t tend to send many messages initiating contact. I firmly believe that submissive doesn’t mean passive and would always rather be with someone who is proactive in wanting to please than someone who only ever is reactive. But that’s just me and different people will be looking for different things. So it’s just finding someone you connect with and find mutual gratification.

As for chats, that can be slightly different. In the same way that using forums (outside of those specifically for seeking partners) to approach people is often seen negatively, some people are in chat purely for social aspects and don’t want to be approached there. Similarly some chat rooms are more geared towards social or specific topics or have different agendas.

Ultimately the person you will be most likely to connect with is the person who will engage with you for who you are and the way you approach things.

[Deleted Member]

Those doms are idiots.

Being dominant in a relationship consentually is totally different than just starting out.

I talk to multiple subs and it's frustrating to try to have a conversation when they only speak when spoken to. Like really? I don't even know your name or anything. Give it a break. Try talking like a normal person before we get into the kinks.

[Ve****]

I personally have no issue with a sub reaching out first. You’re not in any sort of dynamic during the initial conversation and honestly if you reach out to a Dom(me) and they scold you for reaching out because you’re the sub I would consider that a red flag and would strike that person from my list of potential partners.

[Ta****]

Sorry you were scolded. You’re exploring. That’s wonderful. Keep on being you!!

[be****]

Subs can 100% initiate. I don’t personally understand why someone would get butthurt because you initiated. It could be an ego issue, but I’m not them, and I haven’t seen y’all communicate.

[NowIAmTheMaster]

There's nothing wrong with it, those Dom's must be thinking submission and passivity are the same thing. If that's true, it's a big red flag and you've dodged a bullet.

Subs who actively engage with the process of finding and developing a dynamic are worth their wait in gold. Keep the faith, your femdom is out there awaiting you!

[ad****]

It's normal for anyone to feel the way you do.

I fully encourage you to be proactive in your search for the right partner and I would go as far as to suggest that anyone scolding you for initiating a conversation is at best arrogant and more likely than not a misogynist. Either way, best to be avoided.

I hate to admit that it's normal, but it shouldn't be.

The only time it is acceptable for anyone to be scolded (in the context of the question) for making an inappropriate initiation of conversation is when you have entered a dynamic and agreed rules of contact which are then broken.

[Mi****]

She will find the help she is looking for. I am sure all she needs is an amazing vacation such as the couples retreat. You know the 🎬

[su****]

1 hour ago, Mightythor said:

Interesting question. I mean with my sub when she brings more of her almost like meh na na na I don't know you. It irritates me and when she asks for something from me and doesn't let me follow through it irritates me. So what I am saying is what brought your frustration on? What did you do?

I don’t quite know where I may have gone wrong I usually just introduce myself with my interests outside of kink and ask them about theirs as a means of wanting to get to know them better. Should I be making my introductions more kink focused?

[su****]

1 hour ago, MN_Travel4Fun said:

Those doms are idiots.

Being dominant in a relationship consentually is totally different than just starting out.

I talk to multiple subs and it's frustrating to try to have a conversation when they only speak when spoken to. Like really? I don't even know your name or anything. Give it a break. Try talking like a normal person before we get into the kinks.

Doms aren’t idiots, I just happen to have had some poor luck. There seem to be many kind a respectful doms it this comment section. Doms are people and sometimes people respond in a way that’s less than desirable but that’s no reason to lose home as I read these comments I’m learning that.

[Jamlpez]

Yes unfortunately it is normal for Doms to react that way and my advice is to stay away from those because they seem to be the type that are ALWAYS in charge you know? Subs can totally initiate conversations otherwise how can both know that's the person for them or not if the Top hasn't said anything you know? Like if you wait for them to make the first move because you see how similar you are according to your profile but they don't then how can either of you know that you may be what the other is looking for. My advice is to keep initiating conversations and keep asking about female Doms if that's what you want and pay no attention to those that scold you for doing it.

[ch****]

It's all about your dynamic and what the rules are

[wh****]

You don’t owe anyone submissions before they earn it. Establishing boundaries and expressing interest is a healthy sub behaviour, any Dom that says otherwise is a walking red flag. Stay safe.

[Tr****]

Bullet dodged for sure. I personally have only heard about that kind of distain more commonly from femdoms. It obviously depends on your approach, so always read the profile. I at least reply with a polite way of saying that i am not interested, and most just ignore the message entirely. To be rude like that just puts a bad reputation on the whole community and shouldn't be tolerated.