BDSM & Autism: A PSA

[kree90]

I chose the BDSM community to share my autism with because I feel it is less of a risk for rejection. It is less of a risk to my mental health. See, in this community, I feel powerful. That wasn't something I had felt very often. When I feel powerful, there is way less of a chance that I’m going to take something personally. Way less of a chance that I’ll become dysregulated.

Even though I feel powerful, I also feel on the same level as everyone else in the community. I don’t have to shy away because every single one of us knows we are different, and many of us enjoy “odd” pleasures. I like to think that we in the community appreciate the differences more than those who are uninvolved, but I know some of you may have different opinions.

So, I wrote them for a personal reason (isn’t it always?) but I very much intended to help others. I want others who are autistic to find community, and I want those who are not autistic to understand us better, so you can love us better, and so we can love you better.

What I hadn’t considered was the danger. The danger it posed for myself, and for other people like me. I have a hell of an intuition and I have incredible strengths in communication, even if they differ from the neurotypical’s skills. But I still wear rose-colored glasses. I am still socially naïve in a society that was not built for me. There are some individuals who are going to prey on my nature.

On our nature.

As most of you know, ASD affects how people interact with other people, communication, how we learn, and behave. ASD does not automatically mean a learning disability or an intellectual disability, but it can be comorbid. Some of the biggest commonalities we have are our social nativity, our trouble reading body language/non-verbal language, processing, and our trouble figuring out intentions.

I don’t want to give someone who intends to hurt (the bad kind) others ‌a handbook on how to do so. I am aware of how my writing can be used to further the agendas of those who wish to take. A few weeks ago, I received a message that went with the same warnings I’d been hearing from others with Autism. Being fetishized is one thing, and it can be positive or negative in my opinion, but what this man brought into my inbox…was dangerous. 

The message I received from him was a huge eye-opener. I am still learning what’s healthy, but I am an expert at spotting unhealthy people. I have a lot of experience and I’m highly blessed to have the internal compass that I do. It just made me see how much danger we can be in. Women who haven’t trained themselves to see red flags or who haven’t quite learned to think critically yet. Who takes any attention because they are just glad to have someone to interact with.

I will not stop writing, because I fully believe that people need to hear what I have to say. That people will feel understood and take a deep breath of relief. That they will finally have the blueprint to understand themselves, and it can allow their loved ones to love them better, in ways better for them. I believe this because I *had* those moments.

I have them.

We are a part of this community. Many, many of us are the submissive we’re already trying to protect. I ask that those of you who are autistic put a lot of well-thought-out energy into forming support systems, and those who are not autistic watch out for your friends. They may not see what you see right away. They may miss the clues, cues, and red flags, at the very least. We have to protect each other from our weaknesses and support each other with our strengths.

We need to make sure we’re doing everything in *our* power to have a support system. That means learning the skills to communicate with the people we’ve been afraid of (you know, everyone) and that could look like: therapy to face fears, classes or videos on how to read body language, steps to increasing your self-confidence, changing your mindset to one of growth.

If you aren’t sure of something or someone’s intention, reach out to your friends. Keep them in the loop so they can help you spot danger. Go to munches (lifestyle meet and greets) and just listen to people. Don’t move fast with anyone, and if you want to, that’s a sign to slow down more.

I can’t stop writing about it. I need others to know, to understand themselves and those around them, so that we can all be in a better place. We all deserve the highest quality of life. Our brains are complex. They are not simple. Things are not the black and white that we see, and I believe once you can identify what’s holding you back (i.e., the inability to read body language naturally) then you can improve it (i.e., watching body language videos and becoming an expert at reading people). We can improve our lives by learning, and by putting in however much effort it takes into building our support systems.

Our autism is a difference, not a disability. We need to all understand and accept that the society currently built was not built with us in mind, so we must change it. 

Our community, those of us in the lifestyle, inadvertently created this society with us in mind, and that’s why we are here. That’s why I chose this as the platform to release my first writings about autism.

This community inadvertently showed me my power in every aspect of my life, and I want to share that so others can uncover their power, too.

 

[gi****]

Beautifully written. As someone in this community, who works with this community, this is an important message.

[Ve****]

Thanks for sharing

[Deleted Member]

Imo, most people in this community, do in fact have mental health issues, or at least behavioural traits given to them by behaviours witnessed or directly felt at a young age. Many not even aware of it. They have a sexuality preference but most have no idea why they lean that way. I in fact have my own struggles thd mental gremlins lol. I also see a direct correlation from Trauma to Bdsm. I agree this community can be great for people with ASD, BPD and other so called disorders. Then there are those that will try to take advantage. If it doesn’t feel right to you, there’s a good chance it’s not going to be. A community like this is awesome, we can all have our own inner freak and feel accepted which is great.

[Kd****]

Thank you for sharing this.

[Th****]

I've seen your other writings and have had the intent to get around to reading them eventually, I've just not yet had the spoons.

This is the first I've read the whole thing and as a fellow autistic, I would ask you to not speak for others, write about *your* autism if you feel so inclined. While there absolutely are very common traits there is no "all of us" are like ____ , do____ ,or experience ____. Some and many but not all. 

10 hours ago, kree90 said:

As most of you know, ASD affects how people interact with other people, communication, how we learn, and behave. ASD does not automatically mean a learning disability or an intellectual disability, but it can be comorbid. Some of the biggest commonalities we all have are our social nativity, our trouble reading body language/non-verbal language, processing, and our trouble figuring out intentions.

There also is still an enormous lack of understanding from allistics on what autism really is and all that it can entail, I'd say we're quite far from any form of "as most of you know". There are also many of us who very quickly become excellent at "reading body language/non verbal language, processing, and figuring out intentions" because we have a well above average ability towards pattern recognition. 

 

I'm not at all telling you or even asking you to stop writing, but I do ask that you not speak for others and do please be mindful of the potential impacts regardless of what your intent may be. Impact > intent we don't have to intend to cause harm in order to do so. 

[kree90]

11 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said:

I've seen your other writings and have had the intent to get around to reading them eventually, I've just not yet had the spoons.

This is the first I've read the whole thing and as a fellow autistic, I would ask you to not speak for others, write about *your* autism if you feel so inclined. While there absolutely are very common traits there is no "all of us" are like ____ , do____ ,or experience ____. Some and many but not all. 

There also is still an enormous lack of understanding from allistics on what autism really is and all that it can entail, I'd say we're quite far from any form of "as most of you know". There are also many of us who very quickly become excellent at "reading body language/non verbal language, processing, and figuring out intentions" because we have a well above average ability towards pattern recognition. 

 

I'm not at all telling you or even asking you to stop writing, but I do ask that you not speak for others and do please be mindful of the potential impacts regardless of what your intent may be. Impact > intent we don't have to intend to cause harm in order to do so. 

I didn't speak for others? I have 3 whole posts that say I can only speak for myself.

[Char__]

32 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said:

I've seen your other writings and have had the intent to get around to reading them eventually, I've just not yet had the spoons.

This is the first I've read the whole thing and as a fellow autistic, I would ask you to not speak for others, write about *your* autism if you feel so inclined. While there absolutely are very common traits there is no "all of us" are like ____ , do____ ,or experience ____. Some and many but not all. 

There also is still an enormous lack of understanding from allistics on what autism really is and all that it can entail, I'd say we're quite far from any form of "as most of you know". There are also many of us who very quickly become excellent at "reading body language/non verbal language, processing, and figuring out intentions" because we have a well above average ability towards pattern recognition. 

 

I'm not at all telling you or even asking you to stop writing, but I do ask that you not speak for others and do please be mindful of the potential impacts regardless of what your intent may be. Impact > intent we don't have to intend to cause harm in order to do so. 

She literally says "my autism". Don't try to gatekeep others' experiences. Instead, how about you share your own?

[Th****]

20 minutes ago, Char__ said:

She literally says "my autism". Don't try to gatekeep others' experiences. Instead, how about you share your own?

In saying "we all" experience xyz that's definitely speaking for others and I'm not obligated to share my own experience some sort of proof of difference or whatever purpose you feel it would serve. 

Edited September 10 by ThaliaVirago

[Char__]

5 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said:

In saying "we all" experience xyz that's definitely speaking for others and I'm not obligated to share my own experience some sort of proof of difference or whatever purpose you feel it would serve. 

I fail to see how identifies commonalities is speaking for others. You'd be happy without the word "all"? For someone trying to navigate the minefield of a sensitive subject (and you admit yourself you didn't bother to read the lead up posts) that seems incredibly petty.

[kree90]

Are you freaking telling me that your whole comment, your ignoring my message (Literally, hitting the ignore button) has been over YOUR interpretation of the sentence "Some of the biggest commonalities we all have are our..." Goooo away, now, thanks.

[Th****]

14 minutes ago, kree90 said:

Are you freaking telling me that your whole comment, your ignoring my message (Literally, hitting the ignore button) has been over YOUR interpretation of the sentence "Some of the biggest commonalities we all have are our..." Goooo away, now, thanks.

I didn't hit the ignore button? And not responding immediately on on your preferred time-line also isn't ignoring. I'm not trying to start an argument.

But words have definitions and meaning, I'm not sure how all could possibly be misinterpreted. I'd intending on waiting until tomorrow to respond to your dm, I suppose I should have done the same before responding to other comments here as well and will pause here for now. 

 

*Eta... I just checked and it appears that you're the one who clicked ignore? Maybe double check that you didn't do so by accident? 

Edited September 10 by ThaliaVirago

[BigPolly]

Much of the BDSM community (in the uk) are ND, we’re not in the minority as the freedom, sensory seeking aspect & also for some, naivety allows us all to be ourselves (ND & NT). We are also all accepted for our oddities outside of kinks as most things are accepted in our community.
We are not new to this community & personally I don’t see myself as anyone different on here, I’m just as amazing 😊

Edited September 10 by BigPolly

[jj****]

People with autism are often called machines or just cold hearted, not true were just miss understood😔
Hopefully plenty this post start to finish, never stop learning😊

[jj****]

Just now, jj11 said:

People with autism are often called machines or just cold hearted, not true were just miss understood😔
Hopefully plenty this post start to finish, never stop learning😊

*plenty of people read this post

[ga****]

This is the most insightful and heart felt message I’ve read in a while.

As you mentioned everybody wants to feel accepted and loved but it’s not that straightforward, we have to work for it and sharing our unique knowledge and experiences is the perfect way to start

[69****]

Well stated, people need to be aware and be empathetic. Which also means to allow themselves to understand how others interact, as everyone is different.

Whether it is a Windows computer, or a Mac computer. Both can be used for the same result, but the operating systems are different; this is how I think about Autism

When you meet one person with Autism, you have only met one person with Autism. Everyone is unique.

[kree90]

18 hours ago, giraut said:

Beautifully written. As someone in this community, who works with this community, this is an important message.

Thank you! Thank you for the support  

[kree90]

17 hours ago, ThaliaVirago said:

I didn't hit the ignore button? And not responding immediately on on your preferred time-line also isn't ignoring. I'm not trying to start an argument.

But words have definitions and meaning, I'm not sure how all could possibly be misinterpreted. I'd intending on waiting until tomorrow to respond to your dm, I suppose I should have done the same before responding to other comments here as well and will pause here for now. 

 

*Eta... I just checked and it appears that you're the one who clicked ignore? Maybe double check that you didn't do so by accident? 

@ThaliaVirago

 

My apologies, you're right. The word "all" is in there, and how could it possibly be misinterpreted when it's clear as day? This PSA was meant to be a part of my other articles, so I was writing it with the assumption that any readers would have already read the others. (I'm really good at assuming things and it being real until I catch myself--which I'm also getting really good at). With that assumption in mind, I responded more through a trigger (yay trauma) than with the thought that like…oh, shit, you’re right, the word is in there! And well, again, my apologies.  

So, I  have asked a mod to remove the word "all" because it's not what I think, and I will do better with making sure my writing has no extra personal filler words (all, that, just--can't promise that one--words like those.) Hopefully, they are able to, but if not, just know it isn't what I think or want other people to think soooooo everyone see this: When you have met one person with autism, you have met…one person with autism. We are all wonderfully different.  

If you notice something in any of the other ones, please do bring it to my attention. Sometimes you don't know something until you know, and I do love learning. And I know what to strengthen in the next piece! 

[kree90]

6 hours ago, 69loverfunforus said:

Well stated, people need to be aware and be empathetic. Which also means to allow themselves to understand how others interact, as everyone is different.

Whether it is a Windows computer, or a Mac computer. Both can be used for the same result, but the operating systems are different; this is how I think about Autism

When you meet one person with Autism, you have only met one person with Autism. Everyone is unique.

That is a very good analogy for how our brains work. I wish we could get rid of "Neurotypical" completely because Neurodiverse already says it all.

[kree90]

8 hours ago, gambitpss said:

This is the most insightful and heart felt message I’ve read in a while.

As you mentioned everybody wants to feel accepted and loved but it’s not that straightforward, we have to work for it and sharing our unique knowledge and experiences is the perfect way to start

When I can relate to other people, especially things I've felt for so long that no one around me would understand, it's like a weight off my chest. It impacts me much more than just reading the definition of what something is. Once we are able to remove it as a weight, we can examine it more closely, and we can fine-tune (or just toss out) our patterns and thoughts to work for our highest good.

Then it improves our quality of life once we have worked through it. I want that for other people. A lot of times people just don't know where to start.

[Th****]

9 hours ago, 69loverfunforus said:

Whether it is a Windows computer, or a Mac computer. Both can be used for the same result, but the operating systems are different; this is how I think about Autism

I very frequently use the analogy of different operating systems when discussing how autistic people process things differently than allistics (non autistics). When presented that way I find it's a bit easier for people to "get" it. Anyone who's used both windows and Mac or an ios and android know how different they are yet they both get the job done. 

[An****]

I respect you much in your using an offset as strength and promoting what life tools you can. Count me whatever the **** you want, but that is unfathomably attractive: confronting discrimination and hurdles. I speak little on many occasions, but my gears 100% turn that way. Silence is a peculiar thing....