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Do Doms feel insecure at times?

da****

By da****
in Kink Academy

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da****

da****

Posted
I'm asking everyone if they believe that Doms feel insecure at times? What do you think could be their reasoning to feel that way? Do you think they have or will ever admit it? Why or why not?

My reasoning for asking is because I'm a Dominant female and yes I have felt insecure. Most of the time it's cause I'm always worried about if my sub is happy or if I'm treating him poorly but their afraid to say anything to me about it, etc. I've come to the realization that yes I'm insecure about that and then not trusting me or whatever but the only way I was going to get any knowledge or correct what they thought was out of line or whatever I had to actually sit down and talk to them and listen to what they were saying to me, to actually examine what they had said within myself. Granted I still am not the best Dom in the world but I'm willing and open to hear anything from others and their opinions as well as from my sub that could help me get another step closer to being perfect.
Seeknwifencucks

Seeknwifencucks

Posted
Communication with them freely will get rid of the happy treating poorly you have to remind them that trust is a two way street he trust you as his Domme but he also has to trust you to be honest with one time just sit him down at a table and talk remind him that honesty and trust and open communication are what will make everyone happy
un****

un****

Posted
everyone is insecure i am regularly insecure about my abilities and if they’re happy or if i’m doing XYZ correctly or a whole host of things but thats where the balance of communication to make sure they’re happy and lying to yourself come in handy because if you lie to yourself and act like you’re confident in your abilities that lie will eventually become the truth because of the work put in to make it reality
Co****

Co****

Posted
I'm a Dom. I've been a dom for a long time. Yes I do get insecure, more than I'd like to admit. The thing is that it's not easy to know for sure if you're doing things right and sometimes you just wonder if you're hurting them or if they're getting bored of you. Again one of the best solutions for this problem is proper communication
Ar****

Ar****

Posted
Absolutely they do - and that's a human thing, not a D/s thing.

No matter what the dynamic or whether it is kinky or vanilla, for most connections it takes a very special person and lots of communication to reassure us, and most people don't put that level of communication in. It isn't a catch-all rule and relationships without emotional entanglement or where arrogance is present are to obvious situations which are often exceptions. But typically, having doubts and ***s to some degree is an inescapable part of our biology.

Deleted Member

Posted
My sub and I journal together, I have my journaling section, she has hers. It allows us to communicate the feelings and thoughts that are hard to express with the mouth. It’s been a good tool to keep the self doubt away, on both sides.
MasterDarcy1979

MasterDarcy1979

Posted

It's nuanced.

The biggest part of being a Dominant is knowing yourself.

You have to have confidence in your methods:

It's about knowing what you want. Knowing your own mind. Knowing the boundaries that you want cross and ultimately knowing your own personal line between morality and immorality.

There'll be no existential crisis if you really believe in what you're doing.

Belief comes with introspection and thought. You must know your own mind. It comes with learning and keeping an open mind and leaving your ego at the door by admitting that you're still a work in progress.

In the thick of it, though, when you're in your Dom/me space, you must be in the moment. You must be resolved and you must be stern and be unwavering in your dominance.

Nothing will fester hesitancy and doubt from a sub mors than an indecisive Dominant.

Deleted Member

Posted
Oh absolutely, especially because I am a bit insecure naturally. However that being said with 19 years under my belt I am very confident in my attentiveness and ability to navigate my way successfully. I personally think one of the healthiest traits traits that I possess is my careful confidence.
Je****

Je****

Posted
I believe EVERYONE feels insecure at times. I tend to lean more Dom and my life feels like a giant insecurity. But that doesn’t mean someone can’t still be more dominant. It depends on how you react to your insecurities.
Mr****

Mr****

Posted
100% feel insecure sometimes, it’s human nature…but I usually snap out of it, by focusing on being honest with my sub, it’s weird not gonna lie…my sub helps a ton by reminding me what a good Dom I am, and giving here exactly what she needs and wants…a strong well balanced dynamic helps me with insecurities
ea****

ea****

Posted
In reading your post, ask yourself, is perfection truly the goal or is it unwavering trust from your sub? Try not to get caught up in the unattainable. Your empathy, insecurities, and vulnerability are what make you relatable and will help a sub open up. When I would try to be perfect my sub would try to be perfect also, but it put so much pressure on her she would freeze up because she was scared to disappoint and mess up. I never want a sub to be in ***. The talent is WHEN to show your *** side...It's usually during teachable moments when a sub has failed or not met expectations. It's not always about punishments. Use your insecurities to create a closer bond of understanding.
Ju****

Ju****

Posted
8 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

I'm asking everyone if they believe that Doms feel insecure at times? What do you think could be their reasoning to feel that way? Do you think they have or will ever admit it? Why or why not?

My reasoning for asking is because I'm a Dominant female and yes I have felt insecure. Most of the time it's cause I'm always worried about if my sub is happy or if I'm treating him poorly but their afraid to say anything to me about it, etc. I've come to the realization that yes I'm insecure about that and then not trusting me or whatever but the only way I was going to get any knowledge or correct what they thought was out of line or whatever I had to actually sit down and talk to them and listen to what they were saying to me, to actually examine what they had said within myself. Granted I still am not the best Dom in the world but I'm willing and open to hear anything from others and their opinions as well as from my sub that could help me get another step closer to being perfect.

As in my last comment on a different thread, dominants are human beings. So yes. ANY one is capable of being insecure. This can be down to surroundings, backgrounds, past relationships and experiences and any way they view themselves emotionally or physically. Every single human being has felt insecure about something or another at one stage of their life. Some it is a rare occurrence, others it can be every day.

Their reasoning, could be down the the above issues I mentioned there. A lot of people will never admit it, as they think admitting a "flaw" makes them weak or lesser than, but in reality, being open and *** can be a very attractive trait. Someone who's capable of expressing themselves no matter what or how they feel. 

Anyone who puts on a big confident brave persona, is likely compensating, in some cases, (not all) and for me is a major turn off. I don't want a "perfect" partner. I want a real, genuine one. And those people have emotions.

 

If you are worried your Sub is not happy, then I would say within you, there is a reason this thought is crossing your mind. I would also say it can be a bit alarming to assume they are "afraid" to tell you about it.

Why would they be afraid? What has been done or said or happened?

Are you insecure about your level of dominance that you believe you don't satisfy them?

Are they insecure with their own worries that they maybe feel they cannot speak up?

Or is something else at play there?

With everything, communication is vital. You need the big bad conversations, just as much as the big happy ones.

 

No one is the best dominant or submissive in the world. We all have issues, flaws and traits about us, which we shine with or sink with. It is different for everyone. But yes feeling insecure is perfectly normal, and fine to admit. To sit down and "actually" talk to them about it, is exactly what you are meant to do! So don't fret there.

What works for you in your dynamic is great for you both, and if something isn't working, just talk about it and compromise! Try not to doubt yourself but don't be too sure of everything, and remain grounded. No matter the issue at hand, or feeling at heart, you should always be free and able to discuss how you feel, and so should your partner. If one or the other, or even both don't feel they can, there's an issue there.5

Nocturne-8767

Nocturne-8767

Posted

Of course we do.

Most of my concerns lie with wanting to ensure that any sub I am involved with is well and that communication is clear. If I feel like I have gotten too close to a boundary, especially during the time I am getting to know someone and thus might unknowingly say or do something that I don't know may be distressing to them I often will feel like I have failed them, even though in almost all instances these things have things I could not possibly know, and in all cases it was resolved if I was in the wrong in any way. I always work to become better, and have learned from the mistakes I've made, but somehow I still *** that I could somehow cause distress or harm.

co****

co****

Posted
Yes we do. We worry about our subs so much that we sometimes 2nd question ourselves.
Ae****

Ae****

Posted
There's a possible view that the entire reason a dom is a dom is because they have an unmet need to feel in control, ie they are insecure - and that's exactly what they love being a dom.
Meanwhile the sub soothes their own insecurity by giving up control so they can feel taken care of.
When viewed this way, they're both simply two sides of the same coin.
  • 2 weeks later...

Deleted Member

Posted
Sometimes it seems to me that there are more doubts about me and how I do something than the domination itself, so yes, definitely. I would not say that I have a problem with stating this. I just know that my emotions are not an objective reality, and the main thing is how I act. This is what evaluates my "dominant" quality, not that I feel that I'm doing something wrong. But to be honest, there are good-sized ***s that my insecurity will be noticed and considered a vulnerability. And in the end, who wants to be *** around a *** person? Yeah.
Nocturne-8767

Nocturne-8767

Posted
6 hours ago, 1MissAnn said:

But to be honest, there are good-sized ***s that my insecurity will be noticed and considered a vulnerability. And in the end, who wants to be *** around a *** person? Yeah.

This statement is interesting to me. While I cannot speak for subs, I can speak for myself and how I experience trust in others and how I see others experience trust in me. While I agree that if a Dom, or any person for that matter, is insecure about their ability to do something it will diminish my trust in them, I wouldn't equate that with not wanting to be *** around a *** person.

It's important for a Dom to be knowledgeable enough to trust themselves to earn the trust of others, but no one is in***, every person will experience some sort of insecurity, whether regarding Dominance or other things, it's a part of how we become better as people. If we never question ourselves, allow not even a minuscule amount of those insecurities, we have no direction when seeking to grow better.

But back to not wanting to be *** around a *** person, if a Dom is *** in the scene itself, within their role, within their abilities, I agree with you. It wouldn't inspire trust. But the capability itself to be *** and allow oneself to feel that, in my opinion, could inspire more trust. If I only ever talk to subs I engage with about their feelings, what they need, what they want etc then the conversation will sound more like a therapy session or a business exchange than a deeper connection. That can be fine for some, especially if it's not a long-term dynamic. But I do notice that when I do let myself be *** around a sub that I'd like to see again, if I do talk about my emotions and needs to the extent that I'm able to, they have often then found it easier to seek more depth in the conversation about not just my needs but also their own.

I honestly didn't expect to type this much, but I hope that hearing my thoughts is interesting. Have a great rest of your day/night!

Co****

Co****

Posted

Of course a Dom can feel insecurity. We are people after all. And as much as the sub says otherwise, you can always have something bothering you while in this type of dynamic.
That doesn't make you a bad Dom or anything. Relax, breathe and do talk outside of the dynamic with your sub, so you can feel more secured. (And before being eaten alive...being a Dom doesn't mean you should be a c*nt about it)

  • 1 month later...
Ca****

Ca****

Posted
My old Dom was rlly a switch, but she definitely had insecurities, including the fact that she was possessive and afraid her subs would abandon her if she didn't do the right things, or flirt with us enough.

Deleted Member

Posted
I think Doms are subject to insecurities only because as in life unless they have had excellent encounters or a life long submissive They can still have bad relationships or other relationships(vanilla) or other wise it can effect a Dom just as easily as a Sub Us Doms are not in*** to feelings or life lessons and to me unless you've explored the lifestyle or were brought in it(most times unlikely) from the get go They may start out as vanilla and until they are exposed or introduced to it.Because I myself lived my early years not knowing anything about the lifestyle but always knew I wanted more in a relationship and as a complete surprise to me I was introduced to it and even my first session beong awkward due to the way I was raised the session was over all success, her being experienced was very understanding and just took our time and the more I started relaxing and forgetting what I was taught and went with my own feelings it was great but because I had a marriage and a couple of relationships prior to finding the missing parts of myself. I have a couple of issues as a Dom but because I have not just gradually over came most of the issues I still have a habit of (appearing to be submissive) I have proven many times to Subs I'm far from submissive But also a insecurity is as I've noticed if approaching a woman in this lifestyle almost appearing vanilla (kindness observance paying close attention being subtle and causious) it isn't very Dom like but make no mistake I am a Dom and used to be a DD BUT over the last 15years I have evolved And no matter what Us Doms o wr all are still human and can be subject to prior relationships So yes Doms can be many things insecure paranoid and at times lol childlike
LadyV

LadyV

Posted

Dominants experience the full range of human emotions and experiences like every other human. Insecurity, anxiety, depression, vulnerability, and weakness are all included in that. 

 

Picking up a flogger and self-identifying as "Dominant" doesn't make the human reality go away. 

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