Advice on BDSM and what to expect

[Benetoft]

I think I want to go to a bdsm-event but I dont know what to expect. My experience is low and I dont know really what I like. I feel like I have nothing  to offer that someone else would want.
Can anyone tell me their journey in this bdsm world. Preferably men as women have ( I think ) a different experience through their journey in BDSM.

[ge****]

I'd suggest maybe taking a step back and doing some introspection and self-analysis first to understand your interest a little better.
.
Ask yourself questions like what do you think you might like? Are you dominant or submissive ? What specific interests drew you to an interest in BDSM?
.
Find books and blogs and even on-line questionnaires to complete to expand your knowledge and develop your interests.
.
Once you have an idea about the above, and more besides reflect it in your profile on sites like this - consider getting along to local munches (social events for kinksters) and chat to them as you would anyone else in a bar, not with a view to anything happening but to interact and increase your knowledge.
.
Going along to events is fine but don't expect anything to happen and don't do so until you have a better idea for yourself of where you might fit into this world - because that will be one of the first things people will ask.
.
Also if your interest is formed from watching BDSM porn, then put that aside, because mostly it's not a thing like the reality.

[ey****]

a lot depends specifically on the event

if we're talking munches, then these are socials in vanilla settings - a good way to make friends

if we're talking events at a dungeon, they're often quite laid back and again good for social and play

or some of the big fetish parties are very music heavy, about cool outfits - and of course a play space

for what you have to offer - this is something to work through. what makes you a good person to be with?

[gi****]

I think you received two excellent pieces of advice already here, so I won't try to recreate them.  I would add that each of our journeys is dramatically different.  What each of us has to do is find out who we are. How we do so is as individual as each of the people who are making the journey.  Both of the prior responses give good ideas for exploring in different ways.  Find what works for you.  I'd agree with gemini_man that porn does not give a good understanding of any of the roles, or any of the considerations around SSC, RACK, or PRICK.  Understanding what these mean is the cornerstone of BDSM in my opinion.  Good luck and have fun.

[Benetoft]

I am not quite sure if my reasons for getting interested in bdsm-world is for The right reason. 

[ey****]

17 minutes ago, Benetoft said:

I am not quite sure if my reasons for getting interested in bdsm-world is for The right reason. 

so.

what are your reasons?

[Benetoft]

Overall I feel lonely sometimes and I dont get any younger so I thought I could meet new people. Even though I am a introvert and shy person. In The long term I hope to meet someone for a relationship or a playmate. 

Why I even thought of Bdsm was because of a girl I met and she told stories of her meeting older men and have sex with them. Some were into bdsm and introduced her to it. I am not completely foreign of bdsm because I read info on how it works in general. 

Then I started thinking about dom/sub relations. I'm not overly dom in general because I am more cautious as a person. Especially in new settings and around new people. I wouldnt call me sub either. I have alot of integrity and want to have control over most situations. 

So bdsm is more sexual for me than I get pleasure of for example spanking someone. 

I am not sure if this is accepted in the community

[ey****]

So. OK. I can't speak entirely about your locality - but it's absolutely fine in the community.

Basically.  D/s is only a small part of the whole kinksphere (I mean, it's only two letters in the BDSM umbrella which has 6 permutations) 

So you don't have to be a Dominant. You don't have to be a submissive. But can still enjoy certain activities, fetishes, play, etc.

And this is one of the good things if you do go into the community, especially via munches, you meet all sorts of people with different stories and different backgrounds and that in itself can be good for enriching your knowledge.

 

[Benetoft]

I have very high demands of myself and its not often I can get out of my own head. 

Often I feel like most people have their niche and  because of that I get left out. I seek to belong somewhere but mostly I dont feel that. I'm seeking acceptance but maybe I cant find that because I dont accept me myself. Its really hard to not compare me to other people. I know I have value but compared to other people I dont feel that as much. 

[Benetoft]

18 hours ago, gemini_man said:

I'd suggest maybe taking a step back and doing some introspection and self-analysis first to understand your interest a little better.
.
Ask yourself questions like what do you think you might like? Are you dominant or submissive ? What specific interests drew you to an interest in BDSM?
.
Find books and blogs and even on-line questionnaires to complete to expand your knowledge and develop your interests.
.
Once you have an idea about the above, and more besides reflect it in your profile on sites like this - consider getting along to local munches (social events for kinksters) and chat to them as you would anyone else in a bar, not with a view to anything happening but to interact and increase your knowledge.
.
Going along to events is fine but don't expect anything to happen and don't do so until you have a better idea for yourself of where you might fit into this world - because that will be one of the first things people will ask.
.
Also if your interest is formed from watching BDSM porn, then put that aside, because mostly it's not a thing like the reality.

I've been to like a coffee meet-up, maybe it is like munches, and one person asked me what I was into. I had a hard time answering because I felt that my answer wouldnt be accepted. All I was able to get out was that I thought about dominance. Like you suggest I should ask myself what I might be interested in. I kind of know and one thing as I said was dominance. I didnt say this but I am curious about dom a girl/woman sexually. For me BDSM is mostly sexual, I dont know if this is accepted. I feel like if you say this, you are kind of looked down on. Like it has to be about something else. I am afraid that people will see me like I guy who only want to get into BDSM because I am only think about sex and meeting girls.

[ol****]

To the OP, this requires 2 things. The first is to be totally honest with yourself. If you can't admit to yourself things you'd like to try then you will never be able to talk to anybody else about it. BDSM is a wide topic, try to narrow it down. The second thing is how well you can control yourself. In BDSM consent is esential as are safewords /safe signs. You need to be sure you can adhere to the limits agreed.

There is nothing worng with BDSM as a way of meeting people who share your interests. BDSM is sexual for a lot of people but not everybody. For some it is sexual in a context you might not recognise as sexual at first sight.

[Benetoft]

1 hour ago, oldfellow said:

To the OP, this requires 2 things. The first is to be totally honest with yourself. If you can't admit to yourself things you'd like to try then you will never be able to talk to anybody else about it. BDSM is a wide topic, try to narrow it down. The second thing is how well you can control yourself. In BDSM consent is esential as are safewords /safe signs. You need to be sure you can adhere to the limits agreed.

There is nothing worng with BDSM as a way of meeting people who share your interests. BDSM is sexual for a lot of people but not everybody. For some it is sexual in a context you might not recognise as sexual at first sight.

I know what I'm interested in. But I dont know if it is acceptable in the bdsm community. 

[Benetoft]

So I am kind hesitant to share stuff with new people. I feel I might be judged or something 

[ol****]

22 hours ago, Benetoft said:

I know what I'm interested in. But I dont know if it is acceptable in the bdsm community. 

Until you are prepared to vocalise or write it down it's stuck in your head. You will not get a more open minded audience than you have here. I take it you've made a careful study of all the various kinks listed on this site and you can't find yours?

If you have an interest in something that is illegal or will cause permanent damage then perhaps this place is not your you. Everything in BDSM is based on consent between adult people able to think about and consent to certain things. These things might (e.g. spanking) involve physical pain. The key word is consent. If you are fantasising about something non-consentual then you need to seek proffesional help. Same if you think that in a scene you would not have the mental discipline to control yourself and  you would "go too far".  I put that in quotes as, it's often a problem and has no place in BDSM. If you think you are a D you need a very strong mind, self discipline  and a strong will.

[Benetoft]

3 hours ago, oldfellow said:

Until you are prepared to vocalise or write it down it's stuck in your head. You will not get a more open minded audience than you have here. I take it you've made a careful study of all the various kinks listed on this site and you can't find yours?

If you have an interest in something that is illegal or will cause permanent damage then perhaps this place is not your you. Everything in BDSM is based on consent between adult people able to think about and consent to certain things. These things might (e.g. spanking) involve physical pain. The key word is consent. If you are fantasising about something non-consentual then you need to seek proffesional help. Same if you think that in a scene you would not have the mental discipline to control yourself and  you would "go too far".  I put that in quotes as, it's often a problem and has no place in BDSM. If you think you are a D you need a very strong mind, self discipline  and a strong will.

I dont doubt that many people here wouldnt look down on me. My situation is that I just entered a local community from a site called Darkside. It is based on fetlife I think that site is called. It is a more tight knit group and I also live in a smaller northern city in Sweden. It is in this group I am afraid that they perhaps judge me. I dont think that really but it might not be the same as many others in that group.

Maybe because my way of writing it sounds like I have some "disturbing" kink. But it might be ordinary but I am not used to a community like the bdsm community is. I know bdsm is more sexual for me than it is something I enjoy/ get satisfaction of  like enjoying spanking someone because I like to inflict pain to someone (with consent of course). I do know that I get turned on when I know the other person gets turned on. I dont know if its the same thing but I dont feel like it is but I can be wrong.

 

I am interested in bondage for example. The thing I am afraid of as said many times already  if it is common for people in the community to see bdsm as sexual or if its more like "game" that you enjoy. I dont for example that i am a sadist because 

[Benetoft]

I am fairly certain that I am not a sadist because I dont get pleasure by inflicting pain. But I can get enjoyment from knowing my oartner get pleasure from it. Maybe its the same thing but that is how I think

[ol****]

15 hours ago, Benetoft said:

I am fairly certain that I am not a sadist because I dont get pleasure by inflicting pain. But I can get enjoyment from knowing my oartner get pleasure from it. Maybe its the same thing but that is how I think

No it is not the same thing. Doing something in a BDSM scene that your partner enjoys is normal if you enjoy it as well. There is a huge amount of info on this site, read it and I am sure you will find your kink is mentioned. 

You keep mentioning sex, by this you probably mean penatrative sex. That is also normal in BDSM. However it is important to understand that some people can derive sexual satisfaction without conventional penatrative sex being involved at all. 

[Benetoft]

I mean if you get sexually aroused by doing bdsm things. I suppose some just enjoy it as you might enjoying a really really Good meal or something 🤷