Zombies

[Se****]

No, this is not a Halloween special, although I think I’d prefer if it was.

I’m sure pretty much everyone who has had an online presence has heard of the term ghosting but what about when those people return from the dead.

Zombies. That’s what they are.

They’re the people who have either ghosted you or exited from your life only to reappear out of the blue when you least expect it - usually (at least in my case) when you’re moving on and finding happiness elsewhere.

They reappear and make a huge deal of their return being because of you, hoping you’d find them again, missing you, realising their mistake etc etc despite very obvious signs to the contrary  

They assume that things will be able to revert back to their pre death state or try to bring you back to their level. And, unlike real life zombies (😝), they know weak spots and how to utilise these to their best advantage.

One could possibly argue (not I of course) that they have many narcissistic personality traits; from the disappearance and causing hurt to the return and the love bombing to the assumption that you’re better with them and that because they have decided they want you back it must be so.

It leads me to question myself and what I know to be real. It reminds me of things that made me happy once upon a time but also things that hurt me.

Part of me always wants to give a person a second, third and fourth chance. However, my “sensible” brain tells me how stupid that is and for now she is in control.

I’m not sure I understand the mindset behind becoming a zombie in someone’s life. I don’t know that I want to understand it. It scares me and worries me that people can be so callous and have such an air of self importance.

On the flip side, am I judging too harshly, do I forgive - that is rhetorical, I already know my answer.

Love,

X

[FreddieJobbs]

I have been zombeing a lot of times in the past, and I learned in the end it’s not worth it. If they haven’t respond to any of your messages in the last 4 days, it’s time to move on. That person doesn’t care about you anymore. 

[MasterDarcy1979]

The thing with me Is you only get one chance with me (if you're lucky).

This has happened to me a couple of times. I've always been "No. But thank you" and leave them as they left me.

I've had one or two return to be friends. That's a hard limit for me. I don't have the time or desire to have friends.

[Do****]

I think you nailed it by definition.
By writing it down, it often helps to work it out.

[Deleted Member]

I’m on your side, until you find the person you want to relinquish control to, keep the control. You know what you need, and where you want to be. But you could zombie them back, if it would help you feel better. I’ve always said that equality is what makes a relationship work.

[Deleted Member]

As someone who experienced one of these recurring Zombies who knew exactly how to get me to forgive and give in each time.... don't. They WILL ghost again, you are only an option when they are in a dry spell or just had a fling and ended it or after they keep meeting lesser quality matches and it makes them miss you.

I believe the zombie genuinely likes and wants you, they just aren't capable of committing or giving you what you require (and also aren't able to let you go). Until they grow as a person you cannot rely on them to stay and are only setting yourself up to hurt.

I am glad your logical and self loving brain is in control right now and hope she stays there. :)

[In****]

Did you just coin a new catch word!?!  Love it by the way.  Zombies are unfortunately comfortable with their slow gate and emotional appeal.  In my experience they've never been a good idea if looking for a relationship.   Sexual desires and needs sure, but not for long term partnership.  Sounds like you already know the answer for yourself, however it never hurts to have others relay their experiences for comparison. 

Cheers 🍻 

[Pe****]

I had a pre-internet zombie who really damaged me emotionally and affected my ability to trust in all relationships for the last 20 years. She used me in gaps during her LTR when I was hopeful it was their final breakup (every time) and it lasted 3 or 4 years. I still believe we were perfect for each other (at the time), the connection we had was incredible. After her actual final breakup with him we did try again but my trust had been so damaged that the spark we had wasn’t enough. I think my emotional issues from that relationship are a part of why my marriage failed many years later.

[Deleted Member]

There are as many circumstances surrounding zombie returns as there are people. A lot are just a-holes who failed to find someone else to put up with their crap and come back to see if we are still stupid. Some were genuine at some point and life got in the way and maybe they want to carry on where they left off now that things have changed for them. But regardless of the reason, ghosting someone after making them invest the time and effort to build a connection is immature and unattractive and bar very special cases the ghost should be met with their very own weapon of choice:  silence. 

[Se****]

A little update on the zombie in my life.

They turned back into the person they were when we ended previously ie I was always in the wrong. I withdrew because of this and they went silent.

Eventually a message today to alert me to “bad news”. They’ve met someone else.

Now actually this isn’t bad news for me, it is entirely what I expected and it is why I a) didn’t trust him fully again and b) knew nothing would progress between us. It also takes away the onus for me to need to be nice and polite and friendly in case I was indeed incorrect about this person.

I have some amazing people in my life and honestly this new revelation has made me feel lighter and happier and confident in my gut feelings.