Beez Posted January 7 Posted January 7 Hi All, My partner and I have been discussing BDSM for a while now, I have tired to do research but have a hard time trying to understand it. I am the kind of person that likes to get all the information before proceeding but I know this won't be the case for BDSM, I have tried to watch videos on it and do some research about it with my partner so I can ask her questions to help me understand and see how she views it to better understand her and her kinks, but as she has been into BDSM alot longer than I have she get annoyed as it is going over the same information that she already knows and I understand that it would be annoying for her to keep repeating herself. I have tried reading and watching videos but when it comes to trying things I always get in my own head that I won't be able to meet her needs as I am so new to this and am scared that it won't be enjoyable and make her not like me. I feel like I should be able to by now but can't get out of my own head that I suck at this and I am just going to keep letting my partner down. Sorry for the big message, but any advice would be appreciated so much.
Du**** Posted January 7 Posted January 7 If your partner is “getting annoyed” at “having to go over it all again”, then she knows a good deal less than she thinks she does - not just about bdsm, but about relationships in general. I’m sorry you have low self-esteem, and I would be concerned that (particularly in the kink world) it makes you ***. You need to be built up with encouragement and support, not made to feel worse. Please talk to your partner, as everything begins with great communication. A lot of what you describe seems to be your own ***s and expectations, not necessarily her reactions, so she may be more supportive than you think. However don’t rule out couples therapy.
Ch**** Posted January 7 Posted January 7 If you do not have a natural inclination for this it's like trying to learn another language, very difficult! I think the first question you need to ask yourself is do you even feel comfortable with the idea of BDSM. To do things you don't feel comfortable with and doubting yourself can lead to you doing it wrong. Kink is all about communication and being confident with your actions. Safety takes paramount position so communicate with detail because some of the things we get up to can be life ending. If you are new to this your partner needs to be patient with you and be willing to teach you the things you need to know. Just watching videos is not a good way to learn because you only get to see the edited outcome. Films like 50 shades did the kink scene an injustice and is nothing like the reality of BDSM
Deleted Member Posted January 7 Posted January 7 I don't think that this is a low self-esteem. This is just something new. I understand that you try to satisfy your partner but sometimes this is Impossible. It's like you are trying to he totally different person. Moreover, if she doesn't understand your problems and "get annoyed", sorry mate, basically this means that she is not for you. Soon or later, she will cheat to get what she wants.
TheBookCollector Posted January 7 Posted January 7 From your post it seems your partner has more experience, and their attitude seems a little strange as most people with experience will know how to explain their needs especially to someone just stepping into the kink world. . Being nervous and over thinking is a natural thing, my advice is to start small you dont mention if.you are a Top/bottom or.Dom/Sub and what type of videos you have been watching. Can you provide a little more information.
va**** Posted January 7 Posted January 7 I’m in the same boat I feel nervous but it’s something I want to explore more
Matttster Posted January 7 Posted January 7 In my opinion, BDSM does not have “rules” to comply with. There is no right or wrong, there is what is right or wrong for the people involved. Rather then watching videos, have a discussion with your partner to learn what their kinks are (in general) and more importantly establish limits. With an understanding of your partners and your mutual kinks, you should research to be sure to be safe. Be sure to understand safety involved with kinks. Once you are comfortable with being sure you can play safely, play and explore. After playing (not immediately) have conversations about the session. Learn from each other and explore more.
Du**** Posted January 7 Posted January 7 24 minutes ago, vancouver71791 said: I’m in the same boat I feel nervous but it’s something I want to explore more Nervous is fine, but your partner should help you to be less nervous. If they’re making it worse, something is wrong and it’s possible they’re not the right one. The right one will suggest something and you’ll go, “Ooh I did not know I was into *that*!” - it’s happened to me once or twice 🤭
Ann-32 Posted January 7 Posted January 7 If your partner has been into ‘this’ a lot longer than you. They should be aware that communication is key. We are not mind readers. I have a fwb that we both took the time to message a list/rules/limit to each other. It worked really well as it wasn’t rushed and we added things when we thought of them, The next time we saw each other we had loads of fun. It depends also what dynamic they are after ? If she wants you in a dom role and you feel uncomfortable and it’s not in your nature, or if it’s not a turn on for you. That is when it will probably not work. The whole point is that you need to make each other happy and to enjoy it. It’s not one sided.
Ri**** Posted January 9 Posted January 9 As a rule of thumb to me, bdsm is supposed to come with a great deal of pairience for the uninitiated. If you don't know, you're to be taught with respect and guidance. If she's top, then she should probably learn to explain herself without putting you off, and if she's bottom, then she should be able to explain what she wants specifically, especially if she initiated it. ( Not saying, just assuming) In my personal opinion, experience leads until everyone knows their roles. If she's not willing to educate or help you understand what she wants from you, it's not really a route I'd pursue. That sort of play ends in everyone being unsatisfied and at least one person getting hurt either physically or emotionally, and that's not fun for anyone. Unless, of course, you're into that, which is a whole other topic. I would suggest that you sit her down and explain if you're uncomfortable. Explain that you need help and as the person with the most experience that it would help to have guidance without judgment or anger. It's bad enough that you're made to feel the way you do, and to be demoralized further feels wrong. Ask her to help you better understand your role without the attitude. Also, sorry, I get upset when it comes to experienced people getting upset at inexperienced people for not knowing things. It's like yelling at a blind person for not seeing the rake they stepped on to me.
Beez Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 Thank you for the responses and all the information, it has been very helpful :)
earthyangel Posted January 12 Posted January 12 well.. it sound like you are doing your best to fit yourself to her likings. what about yours? you said that your partner is into BDSM longer then you. I think that your partner need to be your teacher. I wouldn't do that if I was you. I would find myself a tutor and do the process of learning elsewhere. its not easy when your partner is more advanced and have expectations, and more then that when she is not supportive while you do an effort for her. I would suggest you to first figure out what you want for yourself. it might be that you cannot understand BDSM because you are not in the right mind set. or its not that working for you. partners should be able to communicate in a positive way. maybe you should send your partner to google a bit about "Compassionate communication". I don't know if your BDSM learning ability is your issue. its seems that before anything your communication need to work better. and yes.. your communication with yourself first.
DivineG0ddess Posted January 12 Posted January 12 Take your time darling don't rush yourself. It's just new discovery jitters and it can be ALOT to take in all at once. Try building up the trust you have invested in yourself in pursuit of BDSM knowledge. I don't think you put in all that hard work for nothing, so why speed through what took you TIME to learn. You're going to need TIME to adjust and implement what you learned. Can you try adjusting as you can with your duties to go along with the new dynamic you have set for yourself, and communicate that with your Person? Give yourself some grace. Exhale and remember WHY you're doing this in the first place. As others have said, build up your communication with self and try to be compassionate with your person, so you can work together to receive the results you've worked so hard for. Good luck and remember you got this
sh**** Posted March 19 Posted March 19 Not sure if this will help but it did for me while I was learning the type of dom I wanted to Be and quite feel comfortable. Ya fake it. You can create an alter ego, doesn’t even need a name but when your in that space your are X not “Beez” X my not have all the knowledge but is one confident motherfucker. I did something of this nature until my alter ego and myself morphed together, taking the best from us both . May not be conventional but none of us here seem to be
Alucard255 Posted March 26 Posted March 26 0 self confidence and these apps dont help, no one replies, no one cares, what is even the point
TheBookCollector Posted March 26 Posted March 26 6 hours ago, Alucard255 said: 0 self confidence and these apps dont help, no one replies, no one cares, what is even the point Or maybe youre approaching people wrong. I get replies from people and have good chats.
Alucard255 Posted March 26 Posted March 26 I used to, when this app first came out, now nothing, and i can communicate decently, least i think so since i do have friends im close to oursidez
Deleted Member Posted March 27 Posted March 27 Is your partner happy? Have you thought of asking someone to mentor you?
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