ADVICE FOR NEWBIES.

[YorkshireBiker]

Asks for advice no matter how brutal, receives some personal advice, gets offended.  
 

Don’t ask if you don’t want an honest answer. That’s solid advice for a newbie on here - lots of people won’t sugar coat things, especially if you ask a specific question. 

[SilverEyedSirian]

Thank you for this advice! Any other suggestions for improving response rates once we have our profile completed?

[Th****]

4 hours ago, Goddess_Fifi said:

Hi there, it is great that you are giving people advice, however you can do that without throwing shade and making a reference to what I have stated in my post, if you disagree with anything I have suggested make your own post.

This is a public forum post, which means anyone can respond. If you feel like you want to be able to determine who can and can't give commentary then you should make a status update on your own profile. It's also pretty uncool to invalidate other women's experiences with the men here. If you look around, you'll find that your experience is not the norm. 

[Le****]

I’d appreciate feedback.
I’d prefer it be via a private message.
Honest, open feedback is appreciated and respected.

[Th****]

3 hours ago, ***fulPleasures said:

disrespectful to me or others like that. It puts you in an entirely poor light.

It's not. She did exactly as you asked, just because a response might give you uncomfortable feelings doesn't make it automatically "disrespectful." 

 

I also fully agree that dick and breast measurements shouldn't even be a field in the profile. 

Edited February 9 by ThaliaV

[***fulPleasures]

The feed back was not the disrespectful part. The accusations and assumption that dick size was all I was sine I decided to fill out the field was.

[Ba****]

Irrational emotional regulation ruins fun every time. Thanks for trying to help the community. 👋

[CopperKnob]

5 hours ago, ***fulPleasures said:

The feed back was not the disrespectful part. The accusations and assumption that dick size was all I was sine I decided to fill out the field was.

The whole comment was feedback you specifically requested. You've chosen to label it as accusation/disrespectful and you did so because of your own feelings.
And yes, it's absolutely an assumption I make when I come across a profile that's chosen to share that information and very very little else about themselves because, newsflash, everyone here is judged upon the information contained in their profile and that's never truer than when it comes to women responding to messages from men. The whole point of this OP was to highlight that a poorly written profile will affect your engagement with others.
If you're proud of your dick so be it. But, I'm not the only individual judging or making assumptions when we scan profiles and I won't be the only person coming to that conclusion.

[ey****]

I think some extensions

Your profile evolution can be an ongoing thing.  You can put something/anything and then build on it over time

the questions at the bottom are optional, they are prompts to help people who struggle

Reading others profiles before reaching out is a must; if it's with a view to meet - are they *actually* what you're looking for - and - are they what you are looking for? Does your profile show this? 

Never underestimate passive connections.  DMing someone you've never interacted with is going in cold and is hard. DMing people you've exchanged similar views with on the forums is a little easier, you're not a stranger to them
 

Patience is a must.   This is true in every aspect of kink.  Anything you try with a partner you will not be an immediate expert at and vice versa - impatience gets you nowhere

and, crucially

you don't need a partner to boost your skills and knowledge, that's on you.  Take some time to do so - the people who are learning ongoing get further in the long term than those who return after 3 years "to give it another go" having changed or learned nothing

[Goddess_Fifi]

6 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

This is a public forum post, which means anyone can respond. If you feel like you want to be able to determine who can and can't give commentary then you should make a status update on your own profile. It's also pretty uncool to invalidate other women's experiences with the men here. If you look around, you'll find that your experience is not the norm. 

Where did I invalidate what anyone said, show exactly where I determined what should be said and how did I invalidate what anyone said? All I have stated is a person can give advice without referencing what I have said, I let shade slide the first two time's when I saw it for the third I let person know I am aware of it.

[CopperKnob]

47 minutes ago, Goddess_Fifi said:

Where did I invalidate what anyone said, show exactly where I determined what should be said and how did I invalidate what anyone said? All I have stated is a person can give advice without referencing what I have said, I let shade slide the first two time's when I saw it for the third I let person know I am aware of it.

Being dismissive of another person's experiences or opinion is to invalidate. When responding to someone's thoughts on their (and others, well documented in the forums experiences) as they aren't you're own and suggesting that in doing so, that person is 'throwing shade' at you is undermine and to invalidate.
People don't have to agree on everything.
That's the point of the forum, for others to share their own perspective.
People can say, that's not my experience but, I acknowledge that you and others have had that experience and, perhaps I wasn't aware of that perspective because I've not yet, come across that behaviour. To respond in that way is to validate.
Here's another opinion that you'll not like. Yes, having a well thought out and we'll written profile is helpful here but, it's not the be all and end all. Primarily because people don't read or they read with their own agenda but also, because connections are made in the forums, the chat rooms and in real life.

[Goddess_Fifi]

50 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Being dismissive of another person's experiences or opinion is to invalidate. When responding to someone's thoughts on their (and others, well documented in the forums experiences) as they aren't you're own and suggesting that in doing so, that person is 'throwing shade' at you is undermine and to invalidate.
People don't have to agree on everything.
That's the point of the forum, for others to share their own perspective.
People can say, that's not my experience but, I acknowledge that you and others have had that experience and, perhaps I wasn't aware of that perspective because I've not yet, come across that behaviour. To respond in that way is to validate.
Here's another opinion that you'll not like. Yes, having a well thought out and we'll written profile is helpful here but, it's not the be all and end all. Primarily because people don't read or they read with their own agenda but also, because connections are made in the forums, the chat rooms and in real life.

I acknowledged your experience by apologising about it, you have done exactly what you are stating I have several time's on this post (invalidating my experiences).

Obviously all components are beneficial to making connections with people whether that is interacting on forum's or in person, the first point of contact is an individuals profile, I made this post as I have seen many people making comments about thr lack of interatction with others, looking at their profiles I made the connection, but I digress🤷🏾‍♀️.

[Goddess_Fifi]

Thank you to everyone who has made contributions to this post, it is much appreciated, there are suggestions that have been made that I will take on board myself, the information that was shared here can assist us all in our adventures 🤗💗.

[JeepGuyGTA]

Nailed it. The 'About You' let others relate you and is the base to start the conversation.
If I may add :
1. If you interested in som
eone let them know by sending a message, don't just 'Like' or 'Crash'.
2. If you limit your DM with 'Send a Gift', you are not accessible. Most people, although have interest in you, won't send a gift.
3. If your 'Limits ' part says - no limits - it is worrisome, it show that you don't know yourself and youe are reckless. Everyone has limits.

[Goddess_Fifi]

1 hour ago, JeepGuyGTA said:

Nailed it. The 'About You' let others relate you and is the base to start the conversation.
If I may add :
1. If you interested in som
eone let them know by sending a message, don't just 'Like' or 'Crash'.
2. If you limit your DM with 'Send a Gift', you are not accessible. Most people, although have interest in you, won't send a gift.
3. If your 'Limits ' part says - no limits - it is worrisome, it show that you don't know yourself and youe are reckless. Everyone has limits.

Great points 👍🏾.

[YorkshireBiker]

2 hours ago, JeepGuyGTA said:

Nailed it. The 'About You' let others relate you and is the base to start the conversation.
If I may add :
1. If you interested in som
eone let them know by sending a message, don't just 'Like' or 'Crash'.
2. If you limit your DM with 'Send a Gift', you are not accessible. Most people, although have interest in you, won't send a gift.
3. If your 'Limits ' part says - no limits - it is worrisome, it show that you don't know yourself and youe are reckless. Everyone has limits.

The whole ‘no limits’ was hashed out mayor style a while back in the forum. That one depends in some way what you’re here for. I’m in a monogamous marriage so my limits are set in large part by my partners wants and desires, and as I’m not planning on anything with anyone here, it’s kind of irrelevant. 

[CopperKnob]

I think, from some comments that we're verging on the, this is how everyone should fill out their profiles and, while in principle its fine to say a more detailed profile enhances your chances at connecting, dictating that or even how to fill it out forgets that were all here with different motives/agendas/looking for something personal to us as individuals.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having a partially completed profile. It may scupper your chances at connecting with someone, but not everyone is here for that.
To forget that we're individuals is no different than forgetting that people kink differently. There is no one true way. How I kink should no impact on how others kink.
Let people be.

[CopperKnob]

9 hours ago, Goddess_Fifi said:

I acknowledged your experience by apologising about it, you have done exactly what you are stating I have several time's on this post (invalidating my experiences).

Obviously all components are beneficial to making connections with people whether that is interacting on forum's or in person, the first point of contact is an individuals profile, I made this post as I have seen many people making comments about thr lack of interatction with others, looking at their profiles I made the connection, but I digress🤷🏾‍♀️.

And you subsequently unvalidated it buly telling me i should do my own post simply because our opinions do not align.
.
Whilst that may be your experience, it's simply untrue that everyone's first point of contact is a profile. All of the people who are regularly in my inbox have been connections made in the forums. There are some people in my inbox whose profile I've never checked out purely because I've not needed to. I know they're solid people solely from our interactions in said forums.

[Ar****]

11 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think, from some comments that we're verging on the, this is how everyone should fill out their profiles and, while in principle its fine to say a more detailed profile enhances your chances at connecting, dictating that or even how to fill it out forgets that were all here with different motives/agendas/looking for something personal to us as individuals.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having a partially completed profile. It may scupper your chances at connecting with someone, but not everyone is here for that.
To forget that we're individuals is no different than forgetting that people kink differently. There is no one true way. How I kink should no impact on how others kink.
Let people be.

That's something I've been considering too, as this thread has taken its journey. People have made great points in the past about why they have partially complete or almost empty profiles. And if they're happy with the interactions they're having whilst doing that, that's all that matters.

[CopperKnob]

12 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

That's something I've been considering too, as this thread has taken its journey. People have made great points in the past about why they have partially complete or almost empty profiles. And if they're happy with the interactions they're having whilst doing that, that's all that matters.

Precisely. BTW, yours is a profile I'm pretty sure I've never visited and yet, we've a friendship spanning a particularly long time via messages and forum interactions 🤷‍♀️

[kok1069]

I'd message you CK but you have filters 😂

[CopperKnob]

20 minutes ago, kok1069 said:

I'd message you CK but you have filters 😂

I do, its part of the profile I happened to fill out I'm afraid. Can you not say what you want here?

[kok1069]

@CopperKnob
No it's not that you just came off as super experienced and was going to ask if you would be ok with like being a guide/mentor. I'm coming from a completely vanilla life style and I'm trying to learn all of these different terms, dynamics and things I would have never even dreamed of. Like I just dont know what I don't know and you seemed like a good person to help me with a starting place.

[CopperKnob]

9 minutes ago, kok1069 said:

@CopperKnob
No it's not that you just came off as super experienced and was going to ask if you would be ok with like being a guide/mentor. I'm coming from a completely vanilla life style and I'm trying to learn all of these different terms, dynamics and things I would have never even dreamed of. Like I just dont know what I don't know and you seemed like a good person to help me with a starting place.

I would simply read through the forums here. I would give recent posts a wide berth but, there are specific people that have posted here in the past often as well as those that comment frequently. You'll soon identify the but, in the meantime, read as much as you can and see whose thoughts align with your own as well as your feelings.
Then, ask questions either in the chat rooms or here in the forums. Forum threads can sometimes get a little difficult but the more rationale members will call them out, and if needed, Mods will tidy up the threads by removing comments that don't fall in the TOUs.
Terms/language/dynamics mean nothing. It's about what do those words (if you want to add labels) mean to you. What do you want from kink? As long as you can answer that, I wouldn't give a rats bump about labelling it tight now.
I'm not against 'mentors' as such but, there is no 'right' way to kink. You need to find your own path, and you'll find it harder to do that when only one person is offering you their 'advice'

[kok1069]

29 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I would simply read through the forums here. I would give recent posts a wide berth but, there are specific people that have posted here in the past often as well as those that comment frequently. You'll soon identify the but, in the meantime, read as much as you can and see whose thoughts align with your own as well as your feelings.
Then, ask questions either in the chat rooms or here in the forums. Forum threads can sometimes get a little difficult but the more rationale members will call them out, and if needed, Mods will tidy up the threads by removing comments that don't fall in the TOUs.
Terms/language/dynamics mean nothing. It's about what do those words (if you want to add labels) mean to you. What do you want from kink? As long as you can answer that, I wouldn't give a rats bump about labelling it tight now.
I'm not against 'mentors' as such but, there is no 'right' way to kink. You need to find your own path, and you'll find it harder to do that when only one person is offering you their 'advice'

Thank you I try to take in as much as I can on here but I dont have alot of time in my life right now to catch everything just catching what I can. Also thought about taking some of the classes on here. Any one have feed back in that regard? I guess I just thought this was something I could just jump into and had no idea how vast and contrasted it was.