Am I selfish?

[Th****]

9 minutes ago, Griot said:

Here's why I think that you should've repeated your statement of "there will be no penetrative sex" after they offered you oral sex: some people will not fully negotiate a trade at the time. Yes, even if the previous day they heard a "no" on the thing they wanted.

To my mind, you were put in a "too good to be true" situation. If someone is offering you something that seems oddly selfless in context of previous negotiations, it's wise to restate your position. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they could be trying to either seduce or guilt the off-limits sex act out of you by making you feel that you owe them.

Some people hold to negotiations as though karmic law was behind them, other people feel that silence or omission equals consent if such boundaries aren't constantly stated - no matter how recently they heard them. 

Was it selfish of you to assume that they would honor your boundaries the next day, no matter what they offered? No. Possibly naive, but not selfish. 

 

Strongly disagree. Their partner is a grown adult and unless they have legitimate cognitive issues where they can't remember things it's not the OP's responsibility the work so hard to get a partner to respect them. 

[Th****]

18 hours ago, sinnamon_stix0 said:

To make it clear, I’ve already been very clear in my intentions, for the last two days I’ve made it a clear boundary that I am not willing to cross. He offered and I accepted, but I never offered to do anything in return. I typically try to please him even when I don’t want to. But this one time I got mine and he didn’t and he was livid. I think my stance on it has been clear since he’s tried twice and my answers remained no.

No excuse or reason for him to "be livid" he needs to work on his emotional regulation. I'd revisit @Aranhis comment above as this sounds exactly like what you're dealing with, pure manipulation. 

[AKA_Copper]

17 minutes ago, Griot said:

Here's why I think that you should've repeated your statement of "there will be no penetrative sex" after they offered you oral sex: some people will not fully negotiate a trade at the time. Yes, even if the previous day they heard a "no" on the thing they wanted.

To my mind, you were put in a "too good to be true" situation. If someone is offering you something that seems oddly selfless in context of previous negotiations, it's wise to restate your position. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they could be trying to either seduce or guilt the off-limits sex act out of you by making you feel that you owe them.

Some people hold to negotiations as though karmic law was behind them, other people feel that silence or omission equals consent if such boundaries aren't constantly stated - no matter how recently they heard them. 

Was it selfish of you to assume that they would honor your boundaries the next day, no matter what they offered? No. Possibly naive, but not selfish. 

 

Naive to assume that someone would uphold another person's boundaries and/or limits?
.
Wow
.
No one should 'need' to reiterate boundaries either. Not to a someone you're in a relationship with.

[Th****]

34 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Naive to assume that someone would uphold another person's boundaries and/or limits?
.
Wow
.
No one should 'need' to reiterate boundaries either. Not to a someone you're in a relationship with.

Exactly 

[Se****]

On 4/13/2024 at 6:48 PM, Galactus82 said:

Yes it is to be fair, I know it's not give to receive, but the man will have loved giving you oral and would of been so turned on by seeing you satisfied and would of wanted to make you even more happy with full interiors and then he's been let down. 

Seriously. This is some of the worst advice I have read for quite some time. Are you actually saying you believe that because this person consented to oral sex they ought also to open their legs for further “pleasure”??? I’m sure this is NOT what you’re saying and I’m clearly misinterpreting you, unfortunately that likely means others will too, and that isn’t a good thing.

He has CATEGORICALLY NOT been “let down”. Consent to one at does not imply consent to ANY others. Furthermore, had the person been aware that the consent given made the other think penetration would be on the table they likely wouldn’t have consented in the first place.

I’m also sure that you’ll be aware there are many people who, for a variety of reasons for not enjoy/cannot have penetrative sex do you presume that this is required make someone “even more happy” is crass to say the least.

Please, let’s not forget, penetration through *** is ***. It is that simple.

Continuing (or beginning) ANY sexual act when consent has been withdrawn, which a person can do at ANY time, is ***.

*** and *** are criminal acts punishable by law.

[Se****]

22 hours ago, daddio99 said:

I think it’s selfish to withhold sex from your partner without given oral , for how long it takes to satisfy your partner’s needs and isn’t a hard task it should be done anyway

 

22 hours ago, Griot said:

I think you should’ve either reciprocated or turned them down.

At the very least, you should’ve been very clear upon accepting that this would not be reciprocated.

You guys need to read my prior comment.

*** that equals sexual acts or penetration = *** or ***.

This is not a difficult concept.

 It is not negotiable.

 It is not a business deal or a guarantee. It is not, unless expressly agreed and consented to, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.

 The levels of male entitlement in some of these comments astounds me but moreover terrifies me.

[Se****]

3 hours ago, Griot said:

Here's why I think that you should've repeated your statement of "there will be no penetrative sex" after they offered you oral sex: some people will not fully negotiate a trade at the time. Yes, even if the previous day they heard a "no" on the thing they wanted.

To my mind, you were put in a "too good to be true" situation. If someone is offering you something that seems oddly selfless in context of previous negotiations, it's wise to restate your position. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they could be trying to either seduce or guilt the off-limits sex act out of you by making you feel that you owe them.

Some people hold to negotiations as though karmic law was behind them, other people feel that silence or omission equals consent if such boundaries aren't constantly stated - no matter how recently they heard them. 

Was it selfish of you to assume that they would honor your boundaries the next day, no matter what they offered? No. Possibly naive, but not selfish. 

 

I kind of get what you’re saying but frankly she (apologies if not your appropriate pronoun) shouldn’t have to.

A no is a no indefinitely until it is an enthusiastic yes. 

[Sm****]

Both partners need to work on explaining their wants, desires, and needs with each other honestly. It sounds like the guy wasn’t clear about what he wanted here. In my view, if the two partners aren’t both interested in what the other wants to receive, making sure it’s not one-way (overall—there’s give and take), then it’s better for both that they part ways because they’re not looking for the same things.
If sex is important for the guy, he should make it explicit, IMO. And if the girl isn’t as sexually interested, finding solutions together is important. No guilt tripping, no subterfuge, no transactions. Good communication skills. In my view, a good partnership has the less-sexual-appetite person having more than they might ideally prefer, and the greater-sexual-appetite person having less, but also having solutions to get that energy out or use it in productive ways.

[ma****]

If you didn't want sex, why on Earth did you even said yes to oral (which, by the way,is also sex)? There's a lot of confusion there...

However, if you clearly said from the beginning that you didn't want "vaginal" or "anal" sex (that makes it much clearer that just saying "no sex" ) and they still offered you oral, then that's on them and they shouldn't *** you.

[ma****]

Yesterday at 05:32 PM, Griot said:

Here's why I think that you should've repeated your statement of "there will be no penetrative sex" after they offered you oral sex: some people will not fully negotiate a trade at the time. Yes, even if the previous day they heard a "no" on the thing they wanted.

To my mind, you were put in a "too good to be true" situation. If someone is offering you something that seems oddly selfless in context of previous negotiations, it's wise to restate your position. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they could be trying to either seduce or guilt the off-limits sex act out of you by making you feel that you owe them.

Some people hold to negotiations as though karmic law was behind them, other people feel that silence or omission equals consent if such boundaries aren't constantly stated - no matter how recently they heard them. 

Was it selfish of you to assume that they would honor your boundaries the next day, no matter what they offered? No. Possibly naive, but not selfish. 

 

Exactly that. Just because I say "no" to sex in one day due to illness or whatever other reason, it doesn't mean that I'll say "no" the next day. Just because I say "no" to something in one day, it doesn't automatically becomes a limit. When something becomes a limit, then I'll clearly state that it's my limit. That's why people should communicate...

The OP didn't feel like he wanted sex, yet he is happy receiving it (because oral is still sex) and getting satisfied while he doesn't give a damn shit about their partners' needs.

If he cannot for whatever reason meet his partner's needs, then he should at least be willing to either open his relationship so his partner finds somewhere else who can meet their needs or to end the dynamic. It's not only the OP's needs that matters, but is his partner's as well.

[ma****]

Yesterday at 05:50 PM, CopperKnob said:

Naive to assume that someone would uphold another person's boundaries and/or limits?
.
Wow
.
No one should 'need' to reiterate boundaries either. Not to a someone you're in a relationship with.

Just because someone says "no" in one day, it doesn't automatically becomes a limit. Limits are clearly stated as limits. If I love anal today and I want to add it on my limits list, then I don't say "not today", but I'll say "this is a limit from now on". However, If I love anal and in one day I say "no" for today, then it's very likely that I'll do it tomorrow. It's obvious that the OP is as guilty as his partner.

[AKA_Copper]

4 minutes ago, maryioni said:

Just because someone says "no" in one day, it doesn't automatically becomes a limit. Limits are clearly stated as limits. If I love anal today and I want to add it on my limits list, then I don't say "not today", but I'll say "this is a limit from now on". However, If I love anal and in one day I say "no" for today, then it's very likely that I'll do it tomorrow. It's obvious that the OP is as guilty as his partner.

That's not what my comment says, though, is it?
.
I'm also of the view that you've misgendered the OP.

[si****]

I think I’ve come to the conclusion, through my own opinion and through others that I am not a selfish person inherently for now wanting to have penetrative sex. There’s been many occasions where he’s gotten off and I haven’t, times where I’ve wanted to stop and he didn’t want to so we kept going. Many times I’ve said no and some how still managed to end up having sex with him. I made my self clear this time and held my ground. I said no and I meant no. And I do have needs, like anyone else of course, but once we finished I didn’t want to go any further. And if that makes me selfish so be it. I haven’t been wanting to have sex with him as of late because it’s been causing *** when he does some how mange to penetrate, it’s sore and uncomfortable and sometimes leaves me with *** for hours or even days. I’ve been checked and I’m fine, and I’ve been with other people and never experienced anything like this. He’s rough and he’ll go in dry, he doesn’t believe in foreplay, and told me he wouldn’t do more for my pleasure. So I feel my stance and my relief was well deserved

[AKA_Copper]

3 minutes ago, sinnamon_stix0 said:

I think I’ve come to the conclusion, through my own opinion and through others that I am not a selfish person inherently for now wanting to have penetrative sex. There’s been many occasions where he’s gotten off and I haven’t, times where I’ve wanted to stop and he didn’t want to so we kept going. Many times I’ve said no and some how still managed to end up having sex with him. I made my self clear this time and held my ground. I said no and I meant no. And I do have needs, like anyone else of course, but once we finished I didn’t want to go any further. And if that makes me selfish so be it. I haven’t been wanting to have sex with him as of late because it’s been causing *** when he does some how mange to penetrate, it’s sore and uncomfortable and sometimes leaves me with *** for hours or even days. I’ve been checked and I’m fine, and I’ve been with other people and never experienced anything like this. He’s rough and he’ll go in dry, he doesn’t believe in foreplay, and told me he wouldn’t do more for my pleasure. So I feel my stance and my relief was well deserved

Agreed, you are not selfish. Well done for holding your own both at home and here

[ma****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

That's not what my comment says, though, is it?
.
I'm also of the view that you've misgendered the OP.

I apologise... I misinterpreted your comment.

You're correct, I've misgendered the OP as well. Thank you for letting me know.

My apology to the OP for misgendering them (I also apologise if this isn't the correct pronoun either) .

[Se****]

1 hour ago, sinnamon_stix0 said:

I think I’ve come to the conclusion, through my own opinion and through others that I am not a selfish person inherently for now wanting to have penetrative sex. There’s been many occasions where he’s gotten off and I haven’t, times where I’ve wanted to stop and he didn’t want to so we kept going. Many times I’ve said no and some how still managed to end up having sex with him. I made my self clear this time and held my ground. I said no and I meant no. And I do have needs, like anyone else of course, but once we finished I didn’t want to go any further. And if that makes me selfish so be it. I haven’t been wanting to have sex with him as of late because it’s been causing *** when he does some how mange to penetrate, it’s sore and uncomfortable and sometimes leaves me with *** for hours or even days. I’ve been checked and I’m fine, and I’ve been with other people and never experienced anything like this. He’s rough and he’ll go in dry, he doesn’t believe in foreplay, and told me he wouldn’t do more for my pleasure. So I feel my stance and my relief was well deserved

There is an awful lot to unpack in this comment. Suffice to say the overwhelming feeling I have from it is one of huge concern for you.

1/ your never selfish got saying no to anyone about anything. It took me a LONG time and a therapist to realise this. How “no” makes someone else feel is totally on them and not you.

2/ times where you’ve wanted to stop but he hasn’t so it continued, I genuinely don’t mean to be offensive but I think you need to be aware that this is ***. Acquiescence is not consent, stopping saying no is not consent, relenting and continuing is not consent, and your vagina becoming “wet” is not consent (it’s a biological response).

3/ said no but still ended up having sex, again this isn’t ok. It is with simply ***. I know how hard this probably is to hear because I have been and am in a very similar situation, I know it’s difficult to believe that this is what’s happening but a relationship does not take away your bodily autonomy.

4/ stopping anything “further” is NOT selfish.

5/ I’d suggest (although I won’t give medical advice) that if a physical cause of the *** has been ruled out that it is likely to be psychological which can be worse. Also lack of foreplay and penetration when you are not sufficiently turned on or ready is bound to be ***ful. IF you decide you want to continue (at some point) to have penetrative sex with this guy then gallons of lube May will be helpful. However him pulling his head out of his a*se and realising that his actions are NOT ok would be preferable, better still I would genuinely encourage you to seriously consider your relationship and whether you wish to continue it (there are lots of helpful resources available for free online should you need them).

My sincere apologies if any of my words appear offensive, rude, patronising or have any other negative implications. They are genuinely said with care and compassion and empathy (and, unfortunately, an understanding of what you’re experiencing).

If you’d like to talk privately I’m happy to do so. 

[Th****]

OP, I'm going to echo what @FatefulDestinyhas said. She's also a lovely human so don't be shy about messaging her if you feel you'd like to. 

[Galactus82]

On 4/14/2024 at 9:25 PM, FatefulDestiny said:

Seriously. This is some of the worst advice I have read for quite some time. Are you actually saying you believe that because this person consented to oral sex they ought also to open their legs for further “pleasure”??? I’m sure this is NOT what you’re saying and I’m clearly misinterpreting you, unfortunately that likely means others will too, and that isn’t a good thing.

He has CATEGORICALLY NOT been “let down”. Consent to one at does not imply consent to ANY others. Furthermore, had the person been aware that the consent given made the other think penetration would be on the table they likely wouldn’t have consented in the first place.

I’m also sure that you’ll be aware there are many people who, for a variety of reasons for not enjoy/cannot have penetrative sex do you presume that this is required make someone “even more happy” is crass to say the least.

Please, let’s not forget, penetration through *** is ***. It is that simple.

Continuing (or beginning) ANY sexual act when consent has been withdrawn, which a person can do at ANY time, is ***.

*** and *** are criminal acts punishable by law.

I bet your a barrel of laughs to be around. Don't ask for an opinion if you don't think you'll like the answer. Wow

[AKA_Copper]

23 minutes ago, Galactus82 said:

I bet your a barrel of laughs to be around. Don't ask for an opinion if you don't think you'll like the answer. Wow

You're opinion was challenged in a non personal way. You don't appreciate it and so you take cheap shots at someones personality/character. Someone I hasten to add you do not know.
FD didn't ask for your opinion. She did however share hers and it's one that I agree with.
It's madness in this day and age that people still do not understand the simplicity around consent.

[Ar****]

12 minutes ago, Galactus82 said:

I bet your a barrel of laughs to be around. Don't ask for an opinion if you don't think you'll like the answer. Wow

Well done for reinforcing the point being made.

But for anybody else whose head it is going over, let's remind ourselves and be quite clear that the OP's partner i) was not giving oral out of any act of love but instead as an act of manipulative deception to try to get his end away, and ii) didn't give a rat's arse about making the OP "happy" else he would have listened to her, and known that "full interiors" (as you refer to it) would make her anything but happy, then actually respected the boundaries his partner had laid down.

I'm not even going to touch your implication that a man penetrating a women is automatically going to delight her and be something she should be grateful for.

[Galactus82]

5 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

You're opinion was challenged in a non personal way. You don't appreciate it and so you take cheap shots at someones personality/character. Someone I hasten to add you do not know.
FD didn't ask for your opinion. She did however share hers and it's one that I agree with.
It's madness in this day and age that people still do not understand the simplicity around consent.

Really you think that's challenging. Haven't read how aggressive her response was and my first was casual opinion. Got no problems people challenging quotes or comments I make. I'm a successful nice man with good morals. I'm a man and if a lady says she wants to be licked out and says before hand I'm getting nothing back, I'm not bothered as I love doing it to a woman but I do think its selfish. 

[Ar****]

Just now, Galactus82 said:

I'm a man and if a lady says she wants to be licked out and says before hand I'm getting nothing back, I'm not bothered as I love doing it to a woman but I do think its selfish. 

Brilliant. And a lot of the time in THAT circumstance, it could be a valid point.

It is entirely different to what happened here where a man OFFERED oral to a lady after she gave an explicit no to penetrative sex. There is no other way you can dress it up.

And for what it's worth/on a bit of a tangent, I find it bizarre that more people don't find him selfish. Why would you not want to please your partner just because they aren't in a position to reciprocate at that time? 

[ey****]

8 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

And for what it's worth/on a bit of a tangent, I find it bizarre that more people don't find him selfish. Why would you not want to please your partner just because they aren't in a position to reciprocate at that time? 

yeah, you know - I hadn't largely thought about that

because this then does become a case of being overly transactional : "I will only do this thing for you if you do something for me" 

[AKA_Copper]

10 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Brilliant. And a lot of the time in THAT circumstance, it could be a valid point.

It is entirely different to what happened here where a man OFFERED oral to a lady after she gave an explicit no to penetrative sex. There is no other way you can dress it up.

And for what it's worth/on a bit of a tangent, I find it bizarre that more people don't find him selfish. Why would you not want to please your partner just because they aren't in a position to reciprocate at that time? 

Because everything is transactional of course 🤷‍♀️🙄

[AKA_Copper]

23 minutes ago, Galactus82 said:

Really you think that's challenging. Haven't read how aggressive her response was and my first was casual opinion. Got no problems people challenging quotes or comments I make. I'm a successful nice man with good morals. I'm a man and if a lady says she wants to be licked out and says before hand I'm getting nothing back, I'm not bothered as I love doing it to a woman but I do think its selfish. 

Nope, your first comment made many inappropriate assumptions about the OPs situation including
1. The partner was so adept at oral that she would have enjoyed herself.
That that enjoyment would have spurred the partner on and she would have enjoyed penetrative sex despite that she states this is not the case.
3. That she let her partner down.
4. That she was selfish.
.
The OP said no to penetrative sex. That's it. That's the whole story.
.
You've changed your tune because your attitude was challenged as being poor towards someone elses comment. It's one thing to have a differing opinion. It's another to be rude.