Am I selfish?

[Fa****]

2 hours ago, Galactus82 said:

Really you think that's challenging. Haven't read how aggressive her response was and my first was casual opinion. Got no problems people challenging quotes or comments I make. I'm a successful nice man with good morals. I'm a man and if a lady says she wants to be licked out and says before hand I'm getting nothing back, I'm not bothered as I love doing it to a woman but I do think its selfish. 

I’m very pleased to hear that you are a “nice man with good morals”, it confirms my presumption that I had misinterpreted your initial comment and you did not mean that consent to one act implies (or ought to equate to) consent to another.

 Thank you for clarifying.

I don’t agree with your last sentence however, accepting or requesting an act without feeling the need to reciprocate is not selfish. In fact as @Aranhis said further below your comment I feel it is selfish that someone would feel that they ought to be entitled to anything simply because they’ve done something for their partner. One ought not give to receive, giving is pleasurably in and of itself. That said, everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just happen to disagree.

[Hy****]

11 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yeah, you know - I hadn't largely thought about that

because this then does become a case of being overly transactional : "I will only do this thing for you if you do something for me" 

I had a big long post that I wrote up that I deleted but it largely came down to “this relationship sounds transactional and it sounds like you’re trying to justify your response to his trans actual treatment by making a power move but denying that you’ve made one.” It sounded shittier than I meant it to so I deleted it, but I think that’s what might be happening.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Hyrrolar said:

I had a big long post that I wrote up that I deleted but it largely came down to “this relationship sounds transactional and it sounds like you’re trying to justify your response to his trans actual treatment by making a power move but denying that you’ve made one.” It sounded shittier than I meant it to so I deleted it, but I think that’s what might be happening.

it's possibly one for elsewhere - but men often have this bad habit.  Like, if someone is like "oh, I have these fetishes I wish to try/explore" and you say "well, why don't you pay someone" and there's coughing about "oh, I don't want things to be transactional" but then men often do this all the time.

"I gave you oral, you owe me penetration" - or "I bought you a drink, you owe me time", or "I did the housework you owe me play" so on

[Hy****]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

it's possibly one for elsewhere - but men often have this bad habit.  Like, if someone is like "oh, I have these fetishes I wish to try/explore" and you say "well, why don't you pay someone" and there's coughing about "oh, I don't want things to be transactional" but then men often do this all the time.

"I gave you oral, you owe me penetration" - or "I bought you a drink, you owe me time", or "I did the housework you owe me play" so on

What he did was definitely transactional. The point that I am making is that she is acting like she is confused or hurt that it played out this way (which she might be, and justifiably), When in fact I think she may have subconsciously made a bit of a power-play to point out a hypocrisy in her partner. Men are in the kind of shitty position where because they are so needy and because they don’t exist in communal groups where they have a social role, they have to over inflate their value to get intimacy or lose face (fragile ego).
.
She is correct in pointing out this hypocrisy, And he’s definitely being a sleazeball, but going to a forum and making the effort to claim confusion about setting a boundary sounds more powerless than I think she wants to come across. While she is young, something tells me that she knew that he was not going to be happy with this exchange. And if she didn’t then, then she obviously does now, and I think she can do better than hanging out with transactional people.

[Hy****]

TL:DR: He is being selfish, this does not preclude her from being selfish as well. It is okay if she is,  But it sounds like he is not a good partner to do it with.

[Bigdawg123]

No he is totally being selfish

[si****]

I was in no way trying to make any type of power play, I don’t dangle anything above his head the way he’s done to me. I’ve tired to please and it feels like no matter what it’s not enough anyways. I came here rather than anywhere else because talking about your sex life with relatives or friends can be difficult and just rather awkward. I wanted advice and to see from other peoples point of views since I, can only see from mine. I have personal reasons for limiting myself in that way as of late, which I will not be disclosing. But I have listed some of the other reasons in other comments of mine. I do not wish to hold myself away in some type of gilded cage as a means of control, or to be “petty” i just have not wanted to be intimate in that way, and he doesn’t really like any other forms of play, I can’t be useful in any other way to him. And that’s something I haven’t wanted to do, but that’s not a forever boundary , just a for now one.

[Th****]

4 hours ago, sinnamon_stix0 said:

he doesn’t really like any other forms of play, I can’t be useful in any other way to him

This along with some of the other things you've said are concerning for me to hear. I would consider if this is a relationship you want to continue. @FatefulDestinyhas offered her inbox to you and I will as well if you ever want someone to talk to. 

[CopperKnob]

5 hours ago, sinnamon_stix0 said:

I was in no way trying to make any type of power play, I don’t dangle anything above his head the way he’s done to me. I’ve tired to please and it feels like no matter what it’s not enough anyways. I came here rather than anywhere else because talking about your sex life with relatives or friends can be difficult and just rather awkward. I wanted advice and to see from other peoples point of views since I, can only see from mine. I have personal reasons for limiting myself in that way as of late, which I will not be disclosing. But I have listed some of the other reasons in other comments of mine. I do not wish to hold myself away in some type of gilded cage as a means of control, or to be “petty” i just have not wanted to be intimate in that way, and he doesn’t really like any other forms of play, I can’t be useful in any other way to him. And that’s something I haven’t wanted to do, but that’s not a forever boundary , just a for now one.

Favourite quote of mine from one of the most aspirational people
"A gilded cage is still a cage"
Glad someone else is familiar with it but nit in these circumstances