FallenAngel3710 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Looking for guidance from other subs please. I am new to D/s and was lucky to find a Dom that I connected to early in my exploration. Our relationship is long distance but there was intense chemistry from the start, genuine connection, trust built easily, it was perfect. I have been owned by him for about 5 months. Those first months set a certain precedence that I came to expect - multiple messages a day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. several tasks daily etc. Now things have slowed quite a bit. Some days I don't hear from him until mid-day, or even evening, most days only once or twice. some days I don't even get a task. I have asked about this shift and he says nothing has changed regarding his feelings for me or interest in our relationship. But it feels different to me. The non-sub woman in me would treat this situation in a certain way, calling it out, confronting etc. But I am asking myself how a sub would move through this. One reason I wanted to enter a relationship as a sub was to learn how to surrender control, to go with the flow of someone else's direction. I understand that communication is important, - essential, and I do feel free to communicate my feelings, but I wonder if I am resisting my role and trying to direct our relationship too much - should I just chill and let him lead? or is this worth bringing up... again?
Deleted Member Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 First of all, communication. I am not a Submissive, but I hope my advice will help. You may be a Submissive, but you are also a person. If you have concerns, mention them. You might get punished, but if you have a good Dominant he will appreciate your honesty. As for what is happening, this is the "honeymoon period". In relationship, the first period is great. You constantly chat, always wanting to be with each other and do things. Once you get past this period, things settle down and you adjust into a more relaxed relationship. This is not a BDSM thing; it is something that happens with friends as much as lovers. Your feelings for each other have not necessarily changed, you have simply adjusted into a more realistic schedule of contact. I recommend voicing your thoughts, respectfully of course, but do not *** the potential answer.
ey**** Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 It can be quite fatiguing to keep setting tasks - it's a lot of emotional labour. Especially if it's tasks where he doesn't actually need anything. I think it's important to tell him you feel communication levels have dropped and that you can understand that him feeling he has to set tasks or has to keep communication frequent can be quite draining for him so perhaps shifting tasks to ad hoc in exchange for trying to keep communication levels consistent. One of the factors of failure in a relationship I had was that I found my Dominant wasn't giving me the attention she once was - but it was just life, really and me pushing for more of her time contributed to pushing her away. The situation is a lot more complicated than that, but it was something I was doing that contributed negatively. Likewise - I did briefly start a relationship with a sub who was extremely demanding on my time and regardless of any feelings or lack of we had to end because I just couldn't give her what she wanted. Not a sleight on her, we just weren't compatible.
Ergie Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Someone who just exploring but did see the same issue been raised I give my thoughts, what you will it's very much depends on you.. Long distance relationship, SM or Vanilla always has bitter taste of insecurity...and that why you want and need to know that that person still with you. It's normal. I do not think you are topping from bottom. You did mentioned you have a good level of trust between you two, so this is a first real hurdle to overcome! Talk and be honest with your partner. And for the tasks, in my point of view do not rely on Your Dom all the time, Doms are human being who needs a bit of time out as well. Create your own tasks share with Your Dom, I think good Dom would appreciate creativity and proactive approach :)
Wo**** Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 1 hour ago, DanteReign said: You might get punished Why would a submissive be punished for expressing her concerns?
silver779 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 10 hours ago, FallenAngel3710 said: Looking for guidance from other subs please. I am new to D/s and was lucky to find a Dom that I connected to early in my exploration. Our relationship is long distance but there was intense chemistry from the start, genuine connection, trust built easily, it was perfect. I have been owned by him for about 5 months. Those first months set a certain precedence that I came to expect - multiple messages a day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. several tasks daily etc. Now things have slowed quite a bit. Some days I don't hear from him until mid-day, or even evening, most days only once or twice. some days I don't even get a task. I have asked about this shift and he says nothing has changed regarding his feelings for me or interest in our relationship. But it feels different to me. The non-sub woman in me would treat this situation in a certain way, calling it out, confronting etc. But I am asking myself how a sub would move through this. One reason I wanted to enter a relationship as a sub was to learn how to surrender control, to go with the flow of someone else's direction. I understand that communication is important, - essential, and I do feel free to communicate my feelings, but I wonder if I am resisting my role and trying to direct our relationship too much - should I just chill and let him lead? or is this worth bringing up... again? You want to ""learn""to be a sub..then act like a sub. Learn to follow and let Him lead. If the need to confront and question is so great then maybe You have zero sub tendencies. This could be a test that you are flunking. How hard do you want this? How hard are You willing to work for it? However it is worth asking if you may speak frankly with Him meaning if You piss him off you wont get punished. Then bring up the things you have share and keep your shit together calmly while He does or does not explain Himself. Oh and be prepared for Him to tell you He has His reasons.
silver779 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 These relationships are NOT 50/50 arrangements. A submissive is generally not a partner in the sense of a vanilla marriage. The Dominant whether male or female is in charge. They make the decisions. They drive the train. The sub is NOT in charge. They do not make decisions unless directed to. And they don't drive the train. They RIDE IT. So buckle up and enjoy the ride and all the mind games that accompany it. It might be fun. If you can let yourself release and trust and follow ..you might find that it's a hell of a ride.
DaisyMae Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 You absolutely should call him out. Being a sub doesn't mean allowing yourself to be walked all over. You deserve attention, and him not communicating regularly is not acceptable. At least not without some discussion or explanation. You definitely need to talk to him. And remember, as the sub you hold the control. You decide who to submit to and equally when to walk away. If you want to talk further feel free to message me.
Deleted Member Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 "If the need to confront and question is so great then maybe You have zero sub tendencies" @silver779 I don't agree with this at all. I am a sub, and have been with my Dom for 2 years. In certain circumstances a sub may need to question and possibly voice concerns. A sub is not a doormat, they have the same rights as the Dom to voice their opinion. It depends on each individual dynamic, but communication is key, a sub needs to know that they can voice any concerns to their Dom, if he agrees with them, then maybe things can be changed.....Dom still makes decision, if he thinks the sub is being silly about something, he should explain to them his reasoning. I agree that a Dom makes the decisions, but discussions can be had and to tell someone they may have zero sub tendencies, I believe is very wrong, each sub is different and will submit in different ways
DaisyMae Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I completely agree Myrtz. I'm so shocked by your comments Silver779. Being a sub does not mean you simply accept anything and everything. If someone is treating you like shit then you absolutely don't stand for that. And mind games are not remotely acceptable. That's ***. Please don't give such terrible advice to newbies.
Deleted Member Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 (edited) 2 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said: Why would a submissive be punished for expressing her concerns? I think, having looked back at my comment, I would like to partially retract myself. Punishing a Submissive for communicating is in fact not something I would do, as this gives the wrong impression. Having thought about it, I would say it is the idea of using negative rein***ment to train a lack of confidence out of my submissive; drilling into her that if I am less interested I would say so, but until then she should not doubt my love for her. As well as that, I think I would just use it as a sadistic excuse to punish her for "questioning" me. I **think** that is a clarification of my thoughts Edited November 17, 2019 by Deleted Member
DaisyMae Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Punishing a sub for communicating her anxieties and concerns?!?! Wow!!!
Deleted Member Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 43 minutes ago, silver779 said: maybe You have zero sub tendencies 37 minutes ago, silver779 said: These relationships are NOT 50/50 arrangements Having doubts about the emotional connection of a relationship, as far as I am concerned, has nothing to do with BDSM (within this context). This is not the same as questioning a Dominant's instruction to do something, this is self doubt about the Submissive's connection to her partner; therefore communicating, as I always say, is key. As for the fifty-fifty. That is EXACTLY what it is. A Dominant has all the power; because the Submissive *allows* it. If a Submissive genuinely does not want something (a hard limit), they have full control to say no and take away the Dominant's power. At least that is what should happen with a good Dominant. A relationship, BDSM or not, requires equal respect and effort from both participants. Fifty-fifty.
Deleted Member Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 6 minutes ago, DaisyMae said: Punishing a sub for communicating her anxieties and concerns?!?! Wow!!! I have just noticed your comment, so please do have a read of my response to Bounty, who also shared your concern. I hope my clarification sets the record straight
De**** Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I’ve been watching this thread as I personally do need a high level of contact, at least in a morning and evening although I accept that real life can sometimes interfere with contact during the day. If you Dom has set a precedent for that level of contact I don’t feel it is unreasonable to call him out on it. Well said DaisyMae and Myrtz, I don’t think there is anything further to be said to that
Ergie Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Wow what responses! At last we have a decent discussion about something, and what said .. Please people it is ONLY your opinion (its not right or wrong) it's Fallen Angel who is dealing with it and it's her choice what she will do.
Deleted Member Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 @Demi_Seraphina, very well said. I need a lot of contact as well, I send a Good morning and Goodnight text to Daddy at the very least and more if we're not busy. @FallenAngel3710, what @Demi_Seraphina says is very true I think. Maybe go back to him and ask what his expectations of you are and explain how much the contact means to you. Tasks and such are hard to set each day, maybe accept that you will get less, but I would say to him that you maybe need a task once or twice a month? I hope things work out for you x
Wo**** Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Communication is vital to any relationship. Expressing your concerns is important. If any potential problems are way easier to address as they arise as opposed to letting them fester. As the relationship develops it's common for messaging to slow a little but if either party feels neglected resentment can build. I disagree with silver779.. a Dominant is in control only because the submissive allows it. That's why we have safe words, boundaries and limits. Questioning your Dominant and/or confronting an issue doesn't conflict with submission.
Little_Lonewolf Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 As a sub I have been going through the same 'pull back' from my Dom. It's always worth bringing up how you feel and are affected by the situation. The sub has a right to constantly know where they stand with their Dom/Domme. You don't give up your right to security and, from what you describe, your sense of security is shaken.
FallenAngel3710 Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 Thank you so much to everyone that has given input. I really appreciate everyone’s perspectives. You have basically confirmed the nuances of what I kinda already knew: that my insecurities where making me doubtful, that the honeymoon phase may be settling into a more manageable rhythm to both of us, that being a Dom can be demanding and I certainly don’t want to over step my position nor become burdensome and needy, yet at the same time my needs are important and worthy of communication. It was just very helpful and comforting to receive the thoughts of those with more experience. On a side note: no I don’t have strong sub tendencies - hence the reason I sought it out. I recognized That my tendencies were a detriment and I needed training in the opposite experience. I have found in 5 short months the absolute freedom that can be experienced by surrendering to someone I trust. The letting go of my tendencies to control are the reason I’m here. I am being healed, brought into balance, and empowered by my experience so far. It’s simply only the beginning and I still have much to learn thanks again!
Wo**** Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I *** losing control which is precisely why I want it. For me I can only lose control with someone I trust and who is strong enough to both let me shatter and help me put the pieces together.
silver779 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 so sorry for all of you who may have thrown your shoulders out getting your pitchforks to stab at me with. When I...yes I read the original post....my attention was caught on the following quote.."One reason I wanted to enter a relationship as a sub was to learn now to surrender control...... well operative phrase being .....ready??? as a sub.....led me to consider that this is not the first BDSM relationship for the author and so it was UNNECESSARY for me to go over ground that was prolly well known. After some of you put away the pitchforks and really get some experience YOU will learn that these relationships go much deeper than ...whose the Dom and whose the Sub. and the Sub wants control. Things can go a whole lot deeper and it depends on whose in the relationship. So thank You for darting in all the comments about safety and such which are valid points. And i promise i will remember not to post anything too deep ....i would hate to see anyone else throw out their shoulders reaching for their pitchfoks. Enjoy! And good luck Lady Pirate.
li**** Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Communication is key in any relationship but more so in a D/s one. I hate not having any with my Sir but in the beginning of our relationship we talked all day and night but we have now been together 7 months yes we still communicate every day but it's not so full on as it use to be. Yes I still have doubts and questions and I ask Sir all the time I never feel *** of asking him anything it's how we learn and how we grow to know and understand what we want and what we don't like. I believe that it's always 50/50 in a D/s relationship yes sub hold all the power to begin with ect ect but....... Then as a sub you still have your limits your safe words once the connection is there and you have given that gift of your submission to your Dom, you still have that power to say stop at any time to say that you don't like something to say I don't want to do that again, me and Sir have had experiences when it's been too much for me but I've told him that and we have talked about why I didn't like it ect and then we work around it and yes he's still my Dom and yes he still has power and yes I respect him but if you don't like something or have concerns then you should be able to tell him and not be in *** of what he will say or do, we all have an opinion and a say even us subs.
DaisyMae Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 18 minutes ago, silver779 said: so sorry for all of you who may have thrown your shoulders out getting your pitchforks to stab at me with. When I...yes I read the original post....my attention was caught on the following quote.."One reason I wanted to enter a relationship as a sub was to learn now to surrender control...... well operative phrase being .....ready??? as a sub.....led me to consider that this is not the first BDSM relationship for the author and so it was UNNECESSARY for me to go over ground that was prolly well known. After some of you put away the pitchforks and really get some experience YOU will learn that these relationships go much deeper than ...whose the Dom and whose the Sub. and the Sub wants control. Things can go a whole lot deeper and it depends on whose in the relationship. So thank You for darting in all the comments about safety and such which are valid points. And i promise i will remember not to post anything too deep ....i would hate to see anyone else throw out their shoulders reaching for their pitchfoks. Enjoy! And good luck Lady Pirate. Really?! 6 years in the lifestyle does not make you an expert. Nor does it give you the right to throw a toddler tantrum because people disliked your "advice". And you have no right to assume those of us who disagree don't have experience. I've been in the lifestyle for 15+ years, and am currently in the most amazing dynamic I've ever had. It's deeper than anything I've ever had before - and believe me, I've experienced a lot. No one is an expert. I certainly am not, but I will not accept your toddler tantrum as an excuse to be so disrespectful to the rest of us.
Deleted Member Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I am pretty new to this site. But I’ve been deviant and non-vanilla for over 30 years, long before the internet was even heard of by most people and before a lot of members on this site were even born. I’ve enjoyed seeing others’ views and opinions on a wide variety of issues. I’ve learned a lot too. And I’ve pretty quickly noticed that there are some members of this site that consistently give measured, balanced, sensible and non-emotionally-charged advice, usually based on their own experiences. They never get personal in their comments and are always respectful of others. This makes for good reading and one is inclined to take such comments seriously, with deserved respect being garnered by the poster of the comments. On the other hand, sadly, I’ve also noticed that there are a small minority of over-opinionated, disrespectful and intolerant bigots who do not like their opinions challenged, with a smaller minority still who apparently seem to think it is fine to be abusive. And then there are the paddywacks: the tantrumers and shouters, the feet-stomping, dummy-spitting, rattle-throwing-out-of-the-pram hissy-fitters whose comments quite frankly, we could all well do without. The BDSM and non-vanilla community has always been, in my experience, very tolerant, caring and respectful of others’ views. We would all be well served by being a bit nicer to one another. By all means question others’ posts, in a bid to seek to understand another viewpoint, but please, can we avoid the vitriol? There are usually many valid views and opinions and sometimes we need to agree to disagree. That is my opinion, though I accept that some may disagree with me... I can agree to that!
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