Our BDSM advice columnist Molly, assists a new Fetish.com member by helping him realise that being a BDSM switch isn't the real cause of not being able to find a kinky partner. 
  

Dear Molly
I'm very inexperienced and new to BDSM. I'm a BDSM switch and have found that many Dommes don't actually like me as a potential sub candidate and that some subs/slaves don't want me as their Dom either. Why is that? I do want to be in either relationship, and it's not like I'll betray them, but I feel like being a switch is the problem. Any advice you can give me?
Best, Switchy

 

A picture of Molly Moore. BDSM TipsDear Switchy, 
Being a BDSM switch means that sometimes you like to be the top and sometimes you like to be the bottom. You've said you're interested in a relationship, so I'm going to assume that you're looking for more than just casual play or bedroom only BDSM, but something more involved than that. 

I don't think that being a BDSM switch is the problem when it comes to finding a partner, but you seem to talk about your Dom and sub sides as being very distinct things that require different people to fulfill - maybe that isn't the case. 
 

Being a BDSM switch and knowing what you like

One of the key things when looking for a partner or partners is to have some idea of what you like. People wrongly assume that means they require experience to know the answers to that, but it's not necessarily true. 

I would also urge you to do is lots of reading and thinking about the different kinks you find yourself attracted to. Spend some time exploring in your mind how those might play out - are you drawn to them as a Dom, a sub or perhaps both? You might not even know the answer to those things, but the more you read and think about it, the better idea you'll have about yourself, in addition to giving you potential subjects for conversations with new partners. You don't need to have tried everything, and it's entirely OK to discover what you like with a new partner, but you need to have some idea of things that you'd want to try and be interested in exploring. 

 

Finding the right person - Dom or sub

It can be a very daunting prospect finding the right person, and it sounds like you've tried to some extent, but it hasn't gone well. That can be very disheartening for sure, and I feel like you believe the problems are because you're either inexperienced or because you're a BDSM switch. While that might be the case to some degree, I also think that maybe you've been looking at this the wrong way. 

You mention Dommes don't want you as a sub and subs don't want you as a Dom. For some people who identify as those things, they're very sure of what they're looking for in the other person, and the idea that they might potentially have to swap roles or share with another person doesn't work for them at all. One solution is to look for another BDSM switch like yourself who would be interested in swapping Dominant and submissive roles with you - rather than looking for multiple people to tick different boxes. 
 


Are you a switch or looking for one? Add BDSM switch to your profile and find other kinksters searching the same :smiling_imp: 
 

 

Be upfront about your kinks

One of the most important things when it comes to finding a partner(s) is to be upfront about what you want. As I said, that doesn't mean you need to know and experience all the things you do and don't like, but it does mean that you need to be honest about that. Be open about the fact that you want to learn and explore new things. Also, be open to listening and learning what other people want.

Finding a partner isn't like picking out your dinner from a menu, it involves being open to new and different possibilities and changing and evolving with someone and being surprised by what you might find as you go along. 

 

Never say never in BDSM

One of the most important lessons I've learned about kink and BDSM is 'never say never.' Don't be too closed off to exploring new things and new or different relationship dynamics. If you have a very fixed view of how it's going to be or the type person you believe will be right for you, I think you'll make it much harder to find something that'll work. 

The most important thing is to find a partner that you can be open, honest and trusting with - as well as have fun. It can be easy to focus on the kink side of things, but it's also important to find a partner who you fit with on multiple levels. So, sharing hobbies or interests in other areas is just as important as matching together in a kink setting. A relationship with someone that you have nothing in common with apart from kink is probably going to be fairly short-lived and unfulfilling. Who that person or people are, and what that relationship looks like is something you need to be open-minded about. 
Good luck!
Molly x
 


Join others who are new to BDSM in the forum - it's free to join!  For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum:gimp:

 Mollys BDSM Tips and Advice.  Ask Her!
Cover Image: model released from Shutterstock.com

 

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Looking for female switches as I want to build a large polycule, plus I cannot always be around (businesses to operate) a switch will enable me to meet the needs of my sub 24/7 whilst allowing me to make some cash! Great article.

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Anup544

Posted

Are you mistress?

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BerryBrighton

Posted

Being a switch doesn't necessarily mean it's harder to find a relationship, but I think explaining what you NEED as a switch can sometimes be the issue. Try to think about what you need out of your relationship and give clear and definitive answers. 

So for me, I'm sexually submissive and I'm also poly - so I need my sexual partner to be Dominant. Where I will play with submissives, it's not a sexual relationship, so as long as a potential Dominant knows that while I may be tying up or flogging subs at events, I won't be having sex with them. 

Being clear about it is the key, because people have vivid imaginations and if you're not clear they will be imagining you having sex with every Domme or sub that comes along.

But also some people do switch with the same person and are happy to vary the dynamic in that way. 

 

Don't be disheartened, keep trying x

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Momsashtray

Posted

I am a Sub have been all my life but if my owner asked me to switch i would do it because it's an order i would worry about getting it right for her she would still have to tell me what she wanted me to do to her ?
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Gizmo215

Posted

Realy like the imput
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DirtyLittleFuckbird

Posted

Not i. i am submissive, through and through. A large part of my pleasure comes from pleasing Him in all i do. Even playful brattiness feels disrespectful to me. Switching could be fun, i suppose, but i'd not risk it for fear of altering our dynamic. What He wants and needs, i provide and vice versa.
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Gizmo215

Posted

I think so some times
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