A Fetish.com member new to BDSM, asks our advice columnist Molly, for help on how to tackle the difficult issue of dating someone who only takes part in BDSM play to please the other, despite them not liking it. Discover what advice Molly gives.
 

Dear Molly
I am fairly new to BDSM and I have been reading up on the subject as I want to improve as a Dom and a sadist but I need some advice. The problem is that I'm dating a person who only endures the pain I cause because she likes me, and not because she gets any pleasure from it. I only bite and slap a little harder than the "normal", and she doesn't even handle that sometimes, and I want to do far worse. 

I know that she would try for me, but I also know that she wouldn't enjoy it at all. She loves the feeling of me being in control in our lives and in the bedroom, that part is all good, but the problem is that I want to indulge in more physical rough pain type play with her.  Although she gives her consent, she has made it clear that she doesn't really like it and despite consenting, will often change her mind during play. 

I really like her and care for her; we have an amazing relationship apart from this. But I find myself struggling to fuck her without wanting to do these things that I like, which is becoming a big issue for me to the point where I don't know if I can continue in this relationship this way. What should I do? 
Unfulfilled sadist

 

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Dear Unfulfilled sadist,
Being new to BDSM and a BDSM relationship can be both an exciting and daunting time. All the things that you'd like to explore, seem possible and naturally, you want to dive in and start enjoying it all. But within all that comes some issues, as you also need to learn what your partner likes. As the Dominant in the relationship, you need to take due care and attention of that person's needs, wellbeing and desires. 

When these two things don't match up perfectly, it can lead to frustration and cause problems. As you're new to BDSM, it's important to read up and learn as much as you can, but so is taking your time and encouraging your partner to learn too. It's not just the Dom who needs to understand their kinks and desires, but the submissive partner also.

The first thing I suggest you need to do is to encourage your partner to talk about what they do like. Get them to read more about BDSM relationships and how they see themselves fitting into such a role. I would encourage them to read widely about the subject and find a community like Fetish.com so that they can talk to other submissive types about being new to BDSM - as you have done already.
 

Consent, limits and how to be a good Dom

Everything you do with your partner needs to be mutually consensual; otherwise, it's no longer BDSM, but abuse. I'm concerned that you're continuing to do things to your partner that she has clearly stated she does not like - even though you say she is consenting. 

While you're definitely receiving a mixed message, it should also be a huge red flag.  As the Dominant person in the relationship, you should be the one putting a stop to any play until you have worked out together what she wants and needs - and how you can continue as a couple. 

There are many guides on how to be a good Dom out there, but probably the most important thing about being a Dominant is that everything is done within a negotiated consensual framework. I think you and your partner need to work on that before carrying on. 

Talk about what you both do and don't like. Agree on a set of Dom/sub rules for you both to work under, e.g. hard limits (those are things you never want to do) and soft limits (stuff you're not sure about but might be open to exploring).  Also, try to work out exactly where your kinks overlap and look at the things you both like - and get turned on by. Use those as a basis to develop other things together.
 


New to BDSM? Find other kinksters new to BDSM in the forum. Need questions answered? Ask Molly! 
 


Explore being new to BDSM - together

Once you've both spent some time talking and sharing, then you can move forward with exploring more together. Start with the things you both like and desire. You mention that your partner loves you taking control, so work on this and other things that you both find hot before starting to explore areas that are challenging for you both. 

It's possible with time and space that she will discover some things that she likes that match your sadistic kink, however (and I can't stress this enough) it may be that experiencing pain is just not something she will ever get enjoyment from. It's not for everyone, and if that's the case (and even at the moment while she's struggling), I think you need to stop what you're doing. Even with her consent, you know that she's not enjoying it and for this reason, I believe that you should stop doing it. Consent is only consent if given enthusiastically - and she's not doing that.  
 

Explore being new to BDSM - apart

If in fact, you discover that this is an area of kink that you don't match, then you need to discuss how you're going to deal with that going forward. You imply in your question that you're not sure you can continue without that element of play in your sex life, but you also say you have an amazing relationship. Perhaps one option would be to discuss opening up your relationship so that you can have another partner for you to explore your sadism. 

Likewise, she might also enjoy having additional partners in her life, but that's something you'll have to discuss and agree together. If that's not possible, then you're faced with deciding if this incompatible part of your kink is a deal breaker for your entire relationship. If it's a fundamental part of your kink identity and something you need to be happy, then I would suggest that this person is not the right person for you, and you're not the right person for them - especially if they're only doing it to keep you happy - which isn't healthy or sustainable.  
Good luck!
Molly x


Join others who are new to BDSM in the forum - it's free to join!  For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum:gimp:

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FabSeverus

Posted

bdsm is not a playground game. Learn about it, be gentle to start with and more important its both way. If one part doesnt enjoy it then its abuse. simple

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kingofheartz7

Posted

I saw BDSM on TV and now I'm very intrigued about it.

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