You hear a lot of nonsense about the world of dominants and submissives - and make up even more in our heads. Our writer Abi Brown looks at what she wishes she'd known as a new BDSM submissive.
 

1. That list of limits you just wrote is nonsense.

I was massively preoccupied with kink for months after my first few experiences. I read endless online forums, looked up every book I could, spent hours hunting for oblique references in mainstream media. At some point during all this, I decided that I was going to write my own lists of hard and soft limits as a LiveJournal post.

I still have those lists, and you know what? They are abject nonsense. Not only have I since done and enjoyed almost every single goddamn thing on them, but I have also - of course - since figured out what my limits actually are. They’re mostly things I hadn’t even heard of or considered as a new BDSM submissive.
 

2. Kink does not come with a uniform

Here’s a secret for you: I kind of hate latex. Plenty of people look amazing in it, of course, but I am not one of them. It mostly just makes me hot and uncomfortable. The texture of rubber makes my skin crawl a bit, and not in the good way many people describe. I never cared much for PVC, either. On the other hand, I look amazing in a pair of fully fashioned silk stockings and a bullet bra.

As a new BDSM submissive, it took me a while to be alright with this. I spent a few years feeling as though I needed to find a way to make traditional fetishwear work for me, just because everyone else seemed so into it. However, this is nonsense and thankfully in the intervening years, I’ve managed to do a decent job of embracing my own kinky look.
 

3. Be careful what you do with candle wax

In general, I’m a lot more into psychological BDSM than I am straightforward sensation play, but one of the few exceptions to that is candle wax. I’m not sure what it is about it, but I really like it. You know what I really don’t like, though? Dealing with all the fucking candle wax bits afterward. It gets everywhere; in the sheets; on the carpet, attached to bits of hair it’s no fun to pull them out of...I could have saved myself a lot of boring cleaning work if as a new BDSM submissive I'd learned sooner to put a goddamn towel down.


Submissive woman on the floor by her master
Ready and waiting...but how much does a new BDSM submissive really know?
 

4. You are not a switch; stop trying, it’s embarrassing

My friends are, by and large, all switches. While that’s less true now than it was then, back in the day I basically didn’t know anybody who didn’t turn the tables occasionally. I somehow got this idea in my head that that’s how it works. It’s a shame I came to this conclusion, really, because it’s bullshit, and I still wince a bit when I recall my clumsy new BDSM submissive attempts at making it happen.
 

 5. Masochism is not a competition

Submissives can be a surprisingly competitive bunch. It’s easy to fall into the trap of wondering how you measure up. Moreover, it’s easy for a new BDSM submissive to want to be the hardest on the block. Someone who thinks nothing of being caned till they bleed in the middle of a dungeon party while everyone looks on impressed.

But most of us aren’t that sub - or at least not all the time - and even the people who are, have things they can’t take much of or don’t enjoy. For example, they also have days they don’t cope well with that level of impact play. People’s pain thresholds vary on a daily basis, not to mention being drastically different for different kinds of pain. Any Dom who is more concerned with how much force they’re inflicting than they are with the effect it has on you can fuck off.
 

6. It’s basically all okay, and it’s never just you

I have a huge thing for being talked to a lot. A Dom who doesn’t tire of using their voice liberally and often is a really important thing for me. Indeed, I sometimes find it difficult to keep my head fully in the game without it, but done right a frequent stream of whispered filth does things to me almost too good to describe.

For some reason, this was the thing that brand 'new sub me' was worried would be too weird to admit to. I was getting comfortable with the idea of floggers and handcuffs and paddles and candles, hell yes, but telling someone that I’d like it if they called me a dirty slut while they did it all? Oh, god, whatever would they think of me!


Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. Find her at her website or @see_abi_write.

 

Whether you're a new BDSM submissive or not, you won’t be the only one. Find like-minded kinksters by joining Fetish.com for free.

 

New BDSM submissive?  Talk with others in the BDSM forum
Images by dracoexboreas via Flickr Creative Commons

 

 

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ShysubNE

Posted

Loved this article

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Kirstialee

Posted

Y spoke out of fear and out of turn I apologise I didn't mean to sound like I was shaming it. I shouldn't have voiced my concern. 

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BigPolly

Posted

4 hours ago, Kirstialee said:

One of my hard limits is scat play or golden showers. Anyone that likes it should be tooken straight to the hospital. There is diseases in both poop and pee

There’s no room for kink shaming or kink scaring on here. All aspects of BDSM can cause problems that require medical attention if play is not applied correctly but saying ‘anyone that likes it should be taken straight to hospital’ is a little extreme. If it’s not your area of kink then it’s not fair expressing such an opinion. I'm sure those that play within that area don’t do so without first looking into the safety aspects just like we all do with whatever fetishes we have. 

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Kirstialee

Posted

4 minutes ago, Strawslut said:

Kirstialee you are right about bacteria existing in excrement but not in urine. Infections are only present in urine if the person has an infectoon or disease. Please hold back on your "send people to hospital" statements. Rememember My Kink Is Not Your Kink And That's OK

I understand that i do but I work closely with health department i found out a lot of stuff. One little scratch and you could be infected. I not going to say don't enjoy just saying get screened after. For safety precautions.

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Strawslut

Posted

Kirstialee you are right about bacteria existing in excrement but not in urine. Infections are only present in urine if the person has an infectoon or disease. Please hold back on your "send people to hospital" statements. Rememember My Kink Is Not Your Kink And That's OK
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Kirstialee

Posted

One of my hard limits is scat play or golden showers. Anyone that likes it should be tooken straight to the hospital. There is diseases in both poop and pee

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KinkyBrat19

Posted

I didnt like the limits is nonsense bit in my opinion hard limit should always be respected they're there for a reason if anyone I was with ever decided to go against that they would never be seen again
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brabrawdy

Posted

This really make sense to me and i will love to learn more from my master,hope i have one soon

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Posted (edited)

I quite liked this article, what I personally got from it is that you need to know yourself and explore on your own pace.. which is what I plan on doing. There’s a lot of stuff out there (specifically within forums) about pushing your limits and what BDSM/Kink should be! But isn’t it by definition what you want it to be? On a deeper level it’s about a journey to deeper understanding of oneself. I am quite new to actually pursuing this journey (1st day really but have been a lurker in forums for sometime) but by going on gut feeling I can tell I’m more of a sub and I figure I’ll be more into psychological submission rather than physical, so I’m planning on treading lightly and finding my own niche.  

Edited by u-5c2b3b3eda07e
Spelling mistakes :P
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Redrider

Posted

Thanks QuiteConfident and CDKinkyJen, I also agree that limits should be set and that hard limits should never be explored. I love the concept and will apply it rather than to avoid limits at all. It is indeed quite dangerous for new submissives to think that there should be no limits. Thanks guys!
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LittleBratsub

Posted

Very helpful, I'm eager to learn and try what my Daddy/Dom/Master wants.
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subm0nKay

Posted

As a newbie it is good to be open minded and not put limits on everything... I only hard limited what I knew I wouldn’t handle and what didn’t interest me... everything else I am open to trying and exploring after trying something, have I added it to my hard limit list. But I agree to say that limits nonsense when u first start out is dangerous, especially as I see so many posts stating someone is new and has no limits.... everyone has limits u just need to find them
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CDKinkyJen

Posted

I have to agree with QuietConfident, I knew my hard limits before I first subbed (I’m a switch) because I’d taken my time to research what interested me and what definitely didn’t and formed my hard limits (pain that leaves scars/marks for a long while, faeces and vomit have never and will never interest me). That’s not to say I’ve not had stuff that I’ve put a ‘pin in’ as a soft limit that changed to being part of play after investigation/trust building with the dom (I still have bondage as a soft limit with any new partner as although I like it I need to trust the individual fully)

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rk39109

Posted

Bdsm bdsm.bdsm.bdsm.bdsm lover jise saree or dupatta se tease hona or badhna oasand hai vo mujhe inbox kree jise bdsm pasand hoBdsm bdsm.bdsm.bdsm.bdsm lover jise saree or dupatta se tease hona or badhna oasand hai vo mujhe inbox kree jise bdsm pasand ho

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QuietConfident

Posted

Redrider.. What you decribe is the concept behind the point in the article. However it is not how it reads. Soft limits should be pushed and explored, and hard limits left well alone, but calling limits nonsense is a worrying thing to write to new and inexperienced subs.
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Redrider

Posted

I think that the whole concept of BDSM is to push the limits a bit. For a beginner, it might be a bit difficult to know where ones limits lie. Maybe taboos could be written down that the Dom could carefully push so that the Sub can experience it for itself. Sometimes, they actually end up liking it. But I cannot stress enough on being careful with a listed taboo. If they dont like it, then black list the activity completely. At least that is what I think.

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QuietConfident

Posted

Im not sure an article for new subs should start with a point stating your limits are abject nonsense .... Seems like poor advice, even though the underlying idea is correct. Suggesting that limits should be disregarded as nonsense is pretty bad and dangerous. 

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