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Fimus

Is Honesty The Worst Policy?

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Posted

Can anyone help me here? Every time I give the "honest" reply I seem to drive people away. Is this just me? I want to tell people exactly what I want, but they seem to be afraid of the unvarnished truth

  • Like 2
Posted

I don’t think it’s a case of ‘driving people away’ it’s simply a case of searching until we find the right one who matches our kinks perfectly.
Even though our world is very open & beautiful it’s also very complex & what works for one doesn’t always work for others & that’s ok it’s all horses for courses, people are entitled to not be turned on by the same things we are & vice verse. 
I’m fat & im gorgeous but that doesn’t mean to say anyone else has to find me gorgeous, some people do & some people don’t, throw kinks into the mix & that adds on extra hurdles & thats perfectly ok, it doesn’t mean I have to change who I am or lie about what I am or what I want. 
On one site I was on I met several Doms who matched me yet on here I’ve only found 1 who I match with yet on here I’ve made loads of friends along the way. It’s just a case of keep talking, socialising & having fun until you find what you’re looking for. 
You also may find that as you’re talking to folk you’re kinks or outlooks change along the way which is also exciting. If someone doesn’t get turned on by you or your kinks then don’t take it personally.
As BillyJoel once said ‘don’t go changing....’

  • Like 7
Posted
Oh, my own kinks have virtually done a 180 since I came on here! It is sites like this that make us probe our "inner weird"
  • Like 2
Posted
Nothing wrong with ‘weird’, it’s what makes us all wonderfully unique & very beautiful 😁 as long as ‘you’ know how amazing you are, the rest will follow in time
  • Like 4
eyemblacksheep
Posted

Honesty is the BEST policy, because otherwise you get the meet ups or the message exchange on false pretences

However, there is context missing from this - are you a little too quick/forward in telling people what you want? Your profile implies that you're pushy for a meet and some people like to build rapport before doing a strangers fetishes for them.  

Context is pretty important. 

  • Like 2
Posted
I am increasingly concerned that I am too "pushy" - which is kind of odd for a "sub"
eyemblacksheep
Posted

yep, a lot of people are off-put by pushyness in general.  

Tying in with other conversations there's no "true" path - but certainly when presenting as sub, it's usually traditional to try to impress those you wish to serve - but even aside from that, the golden rule is always what does the other person get out of it?   

  • Like 2
Posted
And did you know that I have only just learned that! All I want is to please and yet I have only just discovered that what I want is not always what will please the other! It seems odd, yet it appears to be a truism that I need to embrace
eyemblacksheep
Posted

making all the pieces fit is a challenge.  I'm just reading your profile and it does give me a few points also.

I'm not suggesting a re-write, but this is some things I take out of it.

When you say "you're not into pain for pains sake - but understand some things will involve pain" 

Pain is totally non-compulsory in BDSM.  Granted, you find particularly the big pain sluts get a bit more fuss made of them : but, I've seen people step into pain situations they didn't enjoy (I've even done it myself) because they thought it was expected.  It's not.

Of course, if something like spanking is an interest, you could be "I'm not into pain, but appreciate a spanking" - I dunno.

A lot of your talk : sessions, repeat meetings, etc.   this is kind of a lot more talk towards Pro-Domme circles.  Unless of course, that's what you're after - in which case it's a little easier to find someone you like and offer to pay.  

When you say "not into chat, unless it is to talk about how we will hook-up" - this is something I touched on above, but, there is a lot of common place of guys who like to talk about doing things and have a quick wank, without actually doing anything.  Obviously I'm not saying that's what you are like, but it can put people cautious.

There's also a bit "I love crossdressing but it's not essential" whilst also having a gender listed as TV.  When we're on about honesty, if you are a cross-dresser this nothing to be ashamed of, plant the flag proudly. Even if it isn't essential, it does sound a little like shying away.

And also a little bit heading into the "I'll do anything" territory - play to your likes.  

Of course some of my assumptions I may be wrong on, but, take it as thoughts.

Posted

Needs and desires morph and evolve all the time, but to deliberately lie..to even contemplate doing so to get what you want..nah, that stinks...nothing frustrates me more than catching someone in a lie , and when I do, their excuses and reasons hold no sway..I loathe deception and I'm sure I'm not the only one..D/s is about trust and honesty coming from your true self and to begin a relationship, be it merely correspondence, friendship, a casual hookup or a more serious connection , knowing it's based on a lie undermines everything else..

  • Like 1
Posted
I am a little astonished here. I genuinely pride myself on my honesty and any suggestion that I have been deceptive is extremely disturbing to me. Perhaps I need to find a new way to phrase things, but all I have tried to do is leave the door open for whatever anyone wants, while placing a limit on how far I will go
3SumQueen
Posted
53 minutes ago, Fimus said:

And did you know that I have only just learned that! All I want is to please and yet I have only just discovered that what I want is not always what will please the other! It seems odd, yet it appears to be a truism that I need to embrace

I'm dominant yet what i want is for my submissive to be happy too and the way he pleases me will please him. All relationships tend to be about compatibility and i don't see why BDSM should be any different.

  • Like 2
Posted
17 minutes ago, Fimus said:

I am a little astonished here. I genuinely pride myself on my honesty and any suggestion that I have been deceptive is extremely disturbing to me. Perhaps I need to find a new way to phrase things, but all I have tried to do is leave the door open for whatever anyone wants, while placing a limit on how far I will go

I was referring to your original post, not any replies to it..in particular the title.

  • Like 1
Posted

I have now discovered that - outside of here - I actually scare people. This is quite weird. I kind of thought that everyone would want fun, but sometimes even the slightest hint of "weird" has made people close accounts in fear of me. I think i will just stay here, where all the normal people are

Mrkonnekshunface
Posted

Honesty is without a doubt the best policy, If it's "Driven away" it's clearly not what you're looking for ✌

  • Like 1
Posted

I found it I by cabbot continent when I think it. But apparently that make me a creepy old man.  Guess some don't have the self esteem to let other express. It's sad.

Posted
7 hours ago, Shaggygrey said:

I found it I by cabbot continent when I think it. But apparently that make me a creepy old man.  Guess some don't have the self esteem to let other express. It's sad.

If you're having trouble with first messages, check this out:

 

 

Expressing yourself is good, but only if the other person wants you too. Any first contact should be respectful and questioning. 


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