The Best (or Worst) Halloween Sex Toys

Kinksters just love Halloween. Writer Abi Brown gives her rundown of the creepiest, most spook-themed Halloween sex toys out there. Buckle up for some terrifyingly scary goodies.

1: Fleshlight Freaks

Did you know there was a Fleshlight Freaks range? I’ve always found Fleshlights a bit creepy-looking in general, myself, but these really take that feeling and run with it. With a little shopping, you can fuck an alien with horrifyingly blue skin. Or how about getting a blowjob from a sexy fanged vampire mouth in a fake beer can? Not sure about that - then why not dabble in a bit of deep penetration from a completely horrific zombie dick?

Interestingly, you can now only buy these Halloween sex toys from third-party retailers. Fleshlight’s own website has scrubbed away all traces of the range and seems determined to pretend it never existed. I can see why. At least it’s equal-opportunity offence, I guess?

Fleshlight vampire edition - a great example of a Halloween sex toy. Image via: Shutterstock.com

2: Dastardly dildos

Many of our Halloween traditions - including costuming - stem from our ancestor’s attempts to keep the Devil and his compatriots at bay. I’m glad to discover that manufacturers of sex toys are keeping up their end of the bargain. After all, who wouldn’t be frightened off by this collection of unilaterally inappropriate dildos from Divine Interventions?

If you feel like you need a bit of a telling-off after a fun night in with Jesus, both his crucifix and his manger, I’m sure the Mother Interior dildo from Hole Punch is up to the task. Ranking as one of the most offensive Halloween sex toys on this list.

3: Luminous lube

Glow in the dark condoms have been around since time immemorial, of course, but there are plenty of other ways to light up the autumnal nights. How about this cheeky bear-shaped bottle of glow in the dark lube from naturelabsbrands.com? You could use it to smooth the way when you’ve finished making a glow in the dark replica of your favourite penis. A must-have addition to any Halloween sex toys. 
 

4: Bad-ass bondage

If kink is more your thing, never fear: how about this glow in the dark bondage kit from bedtimetoys. It comes with several Halloween sex toys; handcuffs, ankle cuffs, and a ball gag. All the better to help your partner see what they’re doing with their new arsenal of glow in the dark canes, spanking paddles, and floggers.

NB: I do not actually advise that you indulge in impact play in an environment lit only by glow in the dark Halloween sex toys. Especially not a flogger. You could have someone’s eye out with that thing if you can't see properly.

5: YKINMKBYKIOK

That’s a useful acronym, that is: “your kink is not my kink (but your kink is okay)”. Because your kink is okay. I genuinely do believe that your kink is okay. Whatever your choice in Halloween sex toys.

Yes, I promise it's ok. Even if your kink is getting an alien-looking dildo to deposit a squishy egg thing made of boiled-up animal trotters inside you so that it then melts and sort of oozes out. Such delight is available from primalhardwere.com. I just don’t really want to think about it too hard. Oh my god.

That's all, for now, kinksters and remember patience will always be rewarded.

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. 

Have you come across any freakish Halloween sex toys we've missed? Share your experiences in the Fetish.com forum.

Cover image: Masuimi Max via Badmax.com