Molly’s BDSM Tips | Did I Poison My D/s Relationship?

Our BDSM advice columnist Molly, helps out one Fetish.com member on matters of consent and communication after being left confused and blaming himself when his Dominant ends their D/s relationship.
  

Dear Molly,
For a few years, I was involved with a Dominant woman who made me go to gay masseurs and tease them. The goal was to try and get them to become aggressive with me. If they did, I'd have to submit to them and return with photo and video proof of the encounter. She enjoyed putting me in those situations where I'd have to orally service random men and often bottom for them. She would then humiliate me. After a while, she stopped sending me, because she felt I was enjoying the sex with men too much. The relationship then fell apart. Did I poison the Dom/sub relationship by becoming too eager to please her?
A Wondering
 

Dear A Wondering, 
The straightforward and short answer to your question is no - because I believe it takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to break it.  So, I suspect that other problems caused the breakup and that those center around communication and consent issues.
 

Pleasing your Dominant woman

Pleasing your partner sounds like a good thing, and no matter your relationship dynamic, I think we can all agree on that fact, but what that looks like varies from relationship to relationship.

The key to getting it right is communication. If your partner is asking you to do something they like and you're comfortable doing it, how can you possibly be messing things up?  The answer is you can't if someone doesn't tell you.

If the Dominant woman in your life felt you were enjoying something too much or the enjoyment she was getting from you completing tasks was waning, then she needed to communicate that to you so you both could work out a way forward. It sounds like she failed to do this and tried to control the situation with rules and power and missed out on talking with you so you could be on board with what was happening and why.

Involving others in your kink

Some of the behaviors you've described give me pause for concern though for two reasons.

First, is that I feel like the Dominant woman was putting you in a vulnerable, possibly dangerous situation with these men. At the very least you could've found yourself being thrown out, getting on a list of clients to avoid (which many sex workers share with one other), or the worst possibility, putting you in physical danger. Imagine for a moment that you were a woman and your Dom asked you to do such a thing, you'd immediately think it was reckless behavior that put her in a risky situation. Why is that different for you because you're a man? I don't believe it is, and I think it shows a worrying lack of care on her part for your safety.
 

Secondly, involving others unknowingly in your kink is a massive breach of consent. The men you went to see where offering you a service, but that didn't mean they were consenting to be drawn into a shared sexual fantasy with your partner.

Additionally, you don't state whether the men were aware of you taking pictures or videos - if they weren't, that's an additional breach of their consent. However, even if they were, I feel like this is still overstepping a boundary with people who haven't given the option to decide if they want to be involved or not. They might be sex workers, but they should still be treated just like anyone else and not be used unknowingly in other people's sex lives.

I feel that your Dominant woman was happy to send you into these situations risking both your safety and violating these other men's consent showed a worrying lack of judgment on her part.
 

Discovering what you like

Discovering that you like something doesn't mean you poisoned the relationship. One of the beautiful things about a kink relationship is learning, evolving and finding out what you do and don't like. It seems that maybe you discovered something new about yourself, and that's great. But, in my opinion, that's something a good dominant should embrace and enjoy too, after all, they led you to the discovery.  

Again, it's worrying that your enjoyment of what you were doing potentially soured your relationship with your Dominant woman. If it didn't work for her or she was uncomfortable with what was happening, then she absolutely should have had a conversation with you so that you both could have worked out the best solutions.
 

Finding a new Dominant woman

Now you find yourself without that relationship, and I'm sorry that's the case. I can understand why that's sad for you and why you're questioning your role in that breakup. But ultimately, I truly believe that not only did your Dominant woman put you in a risky position; she also failed to communicate with you properly about what she enjoyed and talk to you openly when things stopped working. In the end, I don't think that is your fault at all.

What the future holds for you I can't say, but at least you've discovered a new part of your kink that you like and enjoy. Maybe finding a Dominant woman who'd be willing to explore that with you in a consensual and safe way, is the solution.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you want and desire - you only need to find the right person to share it with.
Good luck!
Molly x

Join others who are new to BDSM in the forum - it's free to join!  For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum. 

 
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