Fear of Intimacy

[Deleted Member]

I wanted to ask whether people may fear intimacy due to being self-conscious about their body. Some people maybe obese, or overly self-conscious as they may have a skewed view of how they see themselves and beliefs about how people view them and if they will be accepting of them. I have not had a great deal of sexual experience for someone of my age and due to my perceived flaws and body shame leading to fear of rejection. In my case, I have a type of intersex condition, which is a broad term, but basically means, if people don't know, someone who has a combination of male and female characteristics which could be internal (sexual anatomy, genetic), external (genitalia). There is a broad spectrum with many different conditions, but people tend to think it is strictly involves genitals,I don't have that problem. Mine is genetic and involved delayed puberty, which basically affected lack of facial and body hair development and muscle tone which can be treated with testosterone but not all people respond to this. Anyway, I have been attracted to bdsm for quite a while but never ventured into engaging with other people as I felt unacceptable and probably still feel that I will be rejected because I feel kind of freakish and so my fear of intimacy has left me alone. I wanted an honest response from people that may have had issues pertaining to their own self image and fear of intimacy. I just want to meet someone and have fun and experience some aspects of bdsm. I'd welcome any comments or advice.

[VictoriaBlisse]

Thank you for your honesty and openess here. I think the BDSM community is one of the most accepting communities out there. I hope you'll find someone or some people you can have fun trying out some BDSM with.  

 

 

[Hexy]

I think a a lot, if not then everyone has something that they dont like about their body. but try not to let it get you down because everyone is unique. I like to think that the BDSM Comunity is very accepting as we all are from all kinds of walks of life. i know how hard it is to find that strength to accept oneself from my own personal experiance but you are the best person to be you and no one can else do it better. there are always people here to talk to about anything and honestly, BDSM is all about respect, honesty, trust and comunication

[BigPolly]

I’m fat, people can see I’m fat, they can choose to like it or not like it. I love being big. I’m big & voluptuous & sexy in my eyes. I used to hate it but now I’m so comfortable in my own skin, if someone else doesn’t like how I look then they’re entitled to that opinion & they don’t have to touch me it doesn’t offend me but equally some people love it & that’s fine by me...that means we both like me hahaha. Seriously though you have to take a step back, think ‘this is who I am’ & people are either going to accept that or not & that’s ok, we’re human & we can’t all be attracted to the same thing. If someone doesn’t like us there’s nothing wrong with that as long as we love ourselves. With that self love comes confidence & confidence is very sexy!

[Deleted Member]

Love for ourselves will help others too! 

[VictoriaBlisse]

Aww, you guys. I'm loving all the positivity and love in here <3 

[ca****]

I think what BigPolly above says is a great take on it.

From my experience  body image and self confidence is quite common amongst members of Fet communities (purely from my experience i aint no sage!) - as well as in life in general.

Much of it I believe exists in the mind - and can come form a variety of circumstances - upbringing, family history, personal experience etc.  I went thru quite a bit of individual counselling which led to me understanding a lot more about myself - which over time also made me more aware and accepting / confident of myself and myself around others.  

re: Terry's original post - echoing what others have said there are many people within the Fet 'community' (and the wider world) who are quite accepting and would listen and probably accept.  Ignorance and fear is probably what would hold them back. I'd had to read your post a number of time to understand it (my ignorance but google i can be a big help!!) - I hope and expect that you will find people on here who you can discuss this with and maybe realsie hey some people dont get me, some think I am weird - but that is OK.   

A strong belief of mine of that we are all - viable and worthy - capable of good stuff and bad.

Waffling now so I shall shut  up

[Robustlove]

Kudos to HexThePup, BigPolly and callipygian, those were some great posts and very helpful no doubt to more people than just TerryinSuffolk.

 

In our media and selfie obsessed western world there is an epidemic of people out there especially young kids who are growing up with the most horrific self esteem and body confidence issues. The main driver behind this lack of self-confidence about our bodies is because we look at other people and their bodies and we tend to think that these other people are "perfect" or "the given norm", but nothing could be further from the truth. Most of those people whom we compare ourselves to feel exactly the same way about their own bodies and have a whole host of their own issues with the way they look or certain parts of their bodies. Many of these people are just as body conscious and nervous about their bodies as anyone else. It comes naturally to so many of us to compare ourselves to others, but cutting out this type of comparing can be really beneficial to our well being and help us to find more self-acceptance of ourselves, how we look, how we feel and what we think of ourselves.

 

Most people in the BDSM community are what I would call "Body Positive", and when you have body confidence issues surrounding yourself with body positive and non-judgmental people is a key part of getting over and dealing with those issues. Reading some good books can also help to start to change the way we perceive ourselves and knowing that there are others out there who go through similar trials and tribulations not only comforts us but makes us feel more connected to a larger community. If you haven't read them before books like The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, Losing It by Laura Fraser are very informative and insightful.

 

Remember to have compassion for yourself and instead of blaming yourself or allowing any guilt over how you feel about your own body to overwhelm you, try to be kinder to yourself and tell yourself each day that you were born perfect for you, that you are the best version of you there is and nobody could be a better you in any way.

 

So many young men and women seek to rectify these issues nowadays with pretty horrific cosmetic surgery that there is also an epidemic of body-dysmorphia, as the original issues are usually always psychological and not physical and so one surgery does not quell the issue and more often than not leads to more surgeries. So I am very glad to hear you haven't taken this option and you should be proud of yourself for that. Remember there is no such thing as "Normal". "Normal", is just a social construct that we convince ourselves of from time to time actually exists, but we are all so varied, different, and special that none of us are actually normal. We are, each of us a beautiful and unique being who make up the beautiful mosaics of life on the big blue marble and for any good mosaic that diversity is key for it all to work in harmony.

 

You seem like a very grounded, open, honest and genuine person TerryinSuffolk, so I have no doubts at all that if you continue to chat to people on the site, get to know them and become  active in the BDSM community, that you will soon find someone who not only respects and cares about you, but worships and adores you for exactly who and what you are. 

[sc****]

I struggled when I hit puberty because I was expecting to be male. When my body began to change into a very feminine form I felt completely disgusted with my body, hated anyone touching me and had to cope with a constant rage and self-hatred that made even daily tasks difficult let alone indulging in intimate situations. I waited to have my first intimate experiences with someone who understood and had gender issues himself. The experience helped me to be less afraid of my body but the feeling of disgust still clung to me and every sexual experience I had.

Still to this day I have only had a handful of partners, and it will always stay that way, because that is what I am comfortable with. I have come to realise now I am both a mix of male and female, and after having my daughter I have somewhat accepted and made friends with my female form and feminine aspects of my personality. As far as I've been told, no one has ever looked at me and experienced the feelings of disgust that I have had towards myself. My friends and lovers have always loved the dual aspects of my personality, explaining that these things are what make me who I am, and in many cases the thing that drew them to me. More often than not, the negative feelings we have about ourselves are not in line with how the world perceives us. And the sad reality is, we are the only ones stopping ourselves from going after (and getting) what we want. 

One of the best things I learnt to do was to trust and accept the compliments, comments and opinions I received from the people that love me. By doing this I gradually learnt to see myself in a very different light, and for the most part, a few bad days aside, I live without the rage and disgust that stunted my wellbeing for so long. 

[Carnelian2]

Love yourself. We all have imperfections and as much as body image can be important, the more important things are how you are and how you feel and behave around other people.
I have met beautiful and picture-perfect people who were absolute bores as they were so self-absorbed. I have also met very attractive women who had complexes about themselves and their appearance, so it is not how you look in reality that matters. It is how you feel about yourself. As others on this site already stated, this is a very diverse community with people from all sorts of backgrounds, so you are sure to find acceptance here.

I hope that helps.

[Deleted Member]

I feel where you're coming from. I'm not a "fit" attractive male. I spent years not only being afraid to date, but afraid to be honest about how I felt. I am too old to use the modern terms, but if I saw a person I was attracted to, I was. Period. I never stopped to think about their gender, but I was very conscious of mine and my appearance. Weird thing is, when I finally stopped giving a shit and just started acting like myself, I had many dates. I have been lucky enough to somehow end up with partners that were also very open. But, fuck man. People think you meet someone that shares an interest and on the first date she/he says spread butter all over your back while I masturbate to power rangers while nailing you and ripping your hair out. Nah. BDSM comes with a level of intimacy. You meet someone you care about and share those moments. I'm not going to tell stories on a first date that I would with my wife/husband. What's great is that level of intimacy comes with not caring about looks. If I am comfortable enough to ask you put a finger in my ass and slap me and call me a good boy when I cum, I certainly don't care about your weight or hair color or that you have a scar or are missing some toes from an accident. When the lights are off and my tongue is in your ass all that matters is how much I care about you and want to please you.