Incywincy Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 I've been with my Dom for nearly 4 years and finally found the courage to end things today. Its been a crappy onesided relationship and I finally woke up to the fact things would only get worse because you cannot fix a person who does not want to be fixed. But it still kind of leaves one at a loss. Realising that you are valued so little by someone you would give everything to seriously sucks . I don't have anyone I can talk to about it at the minute so I am unashamedly sympathy hunting x
Invisible71 Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 "leaves one at loss" ....... Yep, it's possible to feel that with any relationship, especially when you're around them 24/7 and they have zero interest in anything physical. Be strong. X
Goldenrich Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 Yes but you had the courage to leave and who knows it may have been for the better
Deleted Member Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 I made that same decision at the begining of this yr. It hurt me beyond belief and honestly thought the *** would never end but after talking to others I have realised, looking back it was the right decision to make for all it was so very ***ful at the time. In the long run it was the best desicion for me and my mental health. I hope you turn that corner soon and realise what you have done is for the best. Feel free to PM if you need anyone to talk to xxx
Vandalslut Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 5 hours ago, Incywincy said: I've been with my Dom for nearly 4 years and finally found the courage to end things today. Its been a crappy onesided relationship and I finally woke up to the fact things would only get worse because you cannot fix a person who does not want to be fixed. But it still kind of leaves one at a loss. Realising that you are valued so little by someone you would give everything to seriously sucks . I don't have anyone I can talk to about it at the minute so I am unashamedly sympathy hunting x Well done you, for being courageous. Never allow anyone to devalue you. But bear in mind - you can't fix other people at any time. Your Dom is obviously satisfied with his behaviour, as he hasn't changed it. He doesn't see any reason to change. And staying around hoping he would make changes just confirms his belief that he didn't need to make any changes. He'll change when he no longer gets what he wants and possibly, not even then. He may just continue through life doing the same damage and blaming 'other people' when things don't work. And....that's not your problem any more. Just bear it in mind - you cannot change other people unless they want to change. If they don't - walk away.
Mo**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Vandaslut is so spot on. Well done to you, and to you also MuffSparkle. This is the time to show that submissives have strength, and are not something to be walked over and/or be disrespected. Yes there is going to be *** and hurt, and for a time, emptiness, but you will bounce back and face the world head on again. A break-up in this life seems to hurt that little bit more than in vanilla, because we have been so open and honest with our other halves about life, but, unless you let it, LIFE does not come to an end when the relationship does. LIFE is like a book, in that we have chapters and some of those chapters are light, fun, informative and interesting, but some are just a filler. In the chapters of our life we have friends come and go, plots change, partners come and go, and interests change, along with priorities. So you have just come to the end of one of those 'filler' chapters, and it is time to take the story of YOUR life on to the next milestone. The other thing that we each need to remember is that it is each trial and tribulation that we encounter, that makes us what we are, strong and resilient. A final thing to remember is, WE, as individuals, are all SPECIAL in our own ways, and there will be others who see that in us, and want to be part of that. So girl, have a short break to clear the mind, dust yourself off, and put yourself back into the game of life - kinky version!
Vandalslut Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 1 hour ago, MossyBoy said: LIFE is like a book, Excellent - 'tis true.
Mo**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 10 minutes ago, Kymi said: like a book, aye but which one? Well Kymi, it certainly isn't the Bible. That one is full of great stories but plenty of untruths.
Ky**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 1 minute ago, MossyBoy said: Well Kymi, it certainly isn't the Bible. That one is full of great stories but plenty of untruths. oh I don't know it has its good points, I really fancy trying out being in bondage in Egypt and as for a pre-disaster visit to Sodom and Gomorrah, well a tgirl can dream a little levity can often help in times of breakup
ey**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 sometimes the right decisions can still hurt there's multiple different stages in a break-up, but you have to accept as much as it hurts; this was the right thing to do if you weren't getting what you wanted from the relationship.
Deleted Member Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Affairs of the heart can take a long time to heal and some leave wounds that never fully close sadly.Sometimes we have to take steps that cause us *** but deep down we know it's the right move in as you say the long term.Im far from an expert and have made mistakes myself which has caused *** for others and myself.Looking forwards and learning is the key and you seem to be doing just that.
Incywincy Posted April 14, 2020 Author Posted April 14, 2020 Thank you x it is so nice to have a supportive community to turn to. I've never really gone through a proper grown up breakup. Been through plenty of tough times but always made I through. ( long term married, Dom was an additional partner fully supported by hubby) I don't want to show my husband how upset i am because i feel like that would not be fair. It's very hard to let go of something that always had potential and not have any answers as to why someone did not value what you had to offer? I mean he could have had almost anything he wanted, but chose to focus on breaking hard limits, setting tasks he cared nothing about and just being a miserable sod who thought he could drop me anytime he felt like it. I just don't understand.
Ky**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 15 minutes ago, Incywincy said: Thank you x it is so nice to have a supportive community to turn to. I've never really gone through a proper grown up breakup. Been through plenty of tough times but always made I through. ( long term married, Dom was an additional partner fully supported by hubby) I don't want to show my husband how upset i am because i feel like that would not be fair. It's very hard to let go of something that always had potential and not have any answers as to why someone did not value what you had to offer? I mean he could have had almost anything he wanted, but chose to focus on breaking hard limits, setting tasks he cared nothing about and just being a miserable sod who thought he could drop me anytime he felt like it. I just don't understand. been there, honey, in fact I still am, again, your courage in posting may have given me courage to tell mine to stop behaving this way or I'm walking, thank you for that. You'll get over it, just keep telling yourself that, and try not to do what I did-fall for the same type again. Now we've got this community for advice hopefully we'll all learn things we need such as the difference between a caring D and a b*****d
Mo**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Incywincy, I think I speak for all those that have commented. Girl, none of us are paying you lip service or just trying to lighten the load you are carrying. WE all feel the same way towards that type of Dom, and have deep feelings of regret, that you have had to go through that. We would not put our own subs through that, and the thought that a supposed Dom would, annoys us ALL. ALL of us wish you well with your recovery and encourage you to not give up on this life, as it has so much enjoyment, excitement and fulfillment attached to it. And as a footnote, your respect and feelings towards hubby about this is something to be applauded, but I am guessing, he has seen your moods slide as this kinky relationship has progressed towards failure. Failure that in NO way can be contributed or loaded on you. Girl, just brush yourself off, and start looking again, and enjoy what this kinky life brings your way (within limits of course).
Wo**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 25 minutes ago, Kymi said: been there, honey, in fact I still am, again, your courage in posting may have given me courage to tell mine to stop behaving this way or I'm walking, thank you for that. You'll get over it, just keep telling yourself that, and try not to do what I did-fall for the same type again. Now we've got this community for advice hopefully we'll all learn things we need such as the difference between a caring D and a b*****d Just a thought... is it because we are submissive we find it difficult to walk away? Like it's not a submissive thing? Idk, I'm just pondering...
Ky**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Just now, LazyPiratesBounty said: Just a thought... is it because we are submissive we find it difficult to walk away? Like it's not a submissive thing? Idk, I'm just pondering... I think so, maybe we have a little of the slave in us even those who are not in a 24/7 relationship, and a slave can't walk away, or maybe we are subconsciously confusing slave and sub, I know I have
Wo**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 50 minutes ago, Incywincy said: Thank you x it is so nice to have a supportive community to turn to. I've never really gone through a proper grown up breakup. Been through plenty of tough times but always made I through. ( long term married, Dom was an additional partner fully supported by hubby) I don't want to show my husband how upset i am because i feel like that would not be fair. It's very hard to let go of something that always had potential and not have any answers as to why someone did not value what you had to offer? I mean he could have had almost anything he wanted, but chose to focus on breaking hard limits, setting tasks he cared nothing about and just being a miserable sod who thought he could drop me anytime he felt like it. I just don't understand. Just a thought, could you share this with your hubby? It sounds like he'd understand and he's obviously gonna know something's up. Maybe he can comfort you, be there for you... You absolutely did the right thing. Sounds like this particular Dom was a control freak. Stay strong. Am around in pm if you ever wanna vent xxx
Wo**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 5 minutes ago, Kymi said: I think so, maybe we have a little of the slave in us even those who are not in a 24/7 relationship, and a slave can't walk away, or maybe we are subconsciously confusing slave and sub, I know I have Hm, maybe.. Could be a mindset thing. Like breaking things off, is that a "dominant" thing?
Si**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Just my opinion so take it as you wish. I as a Dom consider honesty and openness as the foundation of any relationship. That Includes with my sub. I consider it my job and responsibility to encourage and promote open discussions about how my sub feels and what she desires. She gives me the gift of her submission and in return I fulfil her desires, keep things fun, fresh and exciting. I don't understand how anyone can lie about what they want and who they are in order to get the other person to like them or to enter a relationship. Its destined to fail as its based on a lie and people seldom want to change. Its best to be honest and show the true self and let the other person decide if you are what they are looking for. I think people underestimate the power the sub or slave has. They can walk away any time and they chose who is their Dom. They can and should tell their Dom what they want and the Dom should strive to meet the challenge to make it happen. If the Dom cannot meet it, they should say so long before any play happens. I'm always seeing messages sent to my sub, where the so called Dom cannot even put in the smallest amount of effort in their messages. In my book, they failed at the first hurdle. Like I said, just my opinion.
MNKIND Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Kudos on making and following through on that decision.
Ky**** Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 3 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said: Hm, maybe.. Could be a mindset thing. Like breaking things off, is that a "dominant" thing? probably not, but we feel guilty and agonise over the decision as subs largely I think because we think it is a dominant thing, that's why @Incywincy's post is so eye opening and important for us to take on board, in my opinion that is
Phoenyx Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 5 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said: Just a thought... is it because we are submissive we find it difficult to walk away? Like it's not a submissive thing? Idk, I'm just pondering... Perhaps, it's more a case of not knowing (or realizing) that something better is out there. Depression and trauma tend to make us look down at our feet, rather than up, at the road ahead. Plus, an overbearing Dom has a way of blocking the view.
cautiousswitch Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 5 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said: Just a thought... is it because we are submissive we find it difficult to walk away? Like it's not a submissive thing? Idk, I'm just pondering... If it's someone's first D/s relationship then they may just assume that whatever they don't like about the relationship is the way it's supposed to be.
Incywincy Posted April 14, 2020 Author Posted April 14, 2020 9 hours ago, Kymi said: been there, honey, in fact I still am, again, your courage in posting may have given me courage to tell mine to stop behaving this way or I'm walking, thank you for that. You'll get over it, just keep telling yourself that, and try not to do what I did-fall for the same type again. Now we've got this community for advice hopefully we'll all learn things we need such as the difference between a caring D and a b*****d I hope it does. We are subs... worth our weight in gold :) these are relationships like any other. I think we go deeper into possibly unhealthy dependency on our Doms than we would in another relationship but ultimately we deserve more not less in exchange for that. If he isn't treating you like the gift you are then you have to put a stop to that. Two way street I think. I will give everything I have but I expect it to be handled with utmost care and respect xx
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