Communication Breakdown Vetting and Mental Health

[Di****]

Suppose you were trying to find that person by vetting each other (which vetting is a process of asking specific questions about the person, the specifics of their lifestyle kink experiences, and how they respond to you, etc), and just so you can see if it a dynamic can begin. Sometimes, it doesn't go well as communication styles may differ or the mental health of someone's experiences vetting is broken down by the person either by changing the pattern of responses to what the text was prior, or the slow down which turns into ghosting or blocking. The problem I found is that during this process nobody sticks around long enough to truly see the other person. We get so excited in the initial contact stage that the communication is heard but not listened too. This causes more walls to go up and mistrust mentally and emotionally. Games get played and it is so unnecessary to play them. Frustrating as it is....people are so afraid of tearing those walls down they run leaving questions for the person left behind. Its truly heartbreaking. To keep vetting someone is tiring, to start over with someone new time and time again can be exhausting, to have faith and believe there is someone for everyone with a sliver of hope is inspired by those who actually have a long term dynamic. Giving up is easy, challenging yourself to change your communication style that can be compromised with someone else's takes courage and gives you growth. Showing your heart is not weak, its a powerful tool. I have a disorder, which rejection after rejection or the fear of can trigger my self esteem. Therefore, if you ghost someone or stop communicating to them freshly into the vetting or months later its still wrong, and disgusting which leaves the person more damaged and considered mental abuse. I'm not saying red flags aren't important, but maybe, just maybe you are the yin to their yang in order to learn what they need too....its called balance. Don't dismiss questions, please set a time to video chat or call, and express your feelings even if they might not like it. This community should care about each other as we share a common struggle to be ourselves in a lifestyle most see taboo.  Did I make sense? Who can relate? Why is it so hard to communicate?

[Deleted Member]

Very well written, I could not agree with you more, this journey we are all on can be emotionally rough.

[ED****]

Well written valid and of value to all not only newcomers, I have my own policy of never ghosting and always saying an amicable goodbye even if differing with someone,

the exception to that is the repeat abuser though even then I shal be resolute and firm to make a valid point and differ in an adult way,

I commend the points made about leaving people hanging on ‘ a cliff edge ‘ not ever knowing the one positive thing from such negative experience is that one finds out if someone would have stayed the course or not in reality when physically together,

much to consider at emotional and mental health perspectives TY thank you author !

[fl****]

Sime very good points I am surprised by this but thats nice as well.

Only criticism or opposition I have is something that I know to be true and that some people just shouldn't be communicating with one anotger at all . Sometimes it is best that way.

People's views can be so different that the only thing that develops is negativity. With that said ghosting is truly rude and childish.

More I could say but I'm tired.

[Deleted Member]

Very well said. I met someone on here and thought it was going well and when I stood my ground they disappear. I’m starting to feel like I’m just an object at this point. I’m questioning whether or not romance can be involved or is this purely just physical. From the research I’ve done of the lifestyle it’s about more than sex but it just feels like it’s all about sex.

[Peonycharm]

I am sorry you are struggling. I would suggest you take some classes on starting a dynamic and finding a play partner.

Are you on FetLife? The group “Pragmatic Kink” have some truly wonderful online classes. Also check out “Wicked Grounds”. I also have found some wonderful informational classes on the “Bloom” app.

I have recently started deep diving on my attachment style. Have you researched yours? There are assessments online you can take. Lots of podcasts and books on attachment styles are available as well.
Best of luck to you. If you have other questions feel free to DM me.

[16****]

I think vetting is based on the flow of the two combined.... because essentially, that will be their dynamic. Good communication and making sure everyone is on the same page is essential. While I 100% agree there should be flexibility with each other, I also think there should be a learning phase BEFORE the vetting process.

For me, being demisexual, I need that deep emotional bond (and that won't happen with a list of interrogating q&a's. Sorry.) Also, having hardship in my past, anything that looks deceptive or like lying/sneaky.... I'm usually out. I need clear direction and intentions. Once I feel safe with someone THEN the vetting can begin. But everyone has their preferences/processes.

As for ghosting, I try not to do that without trying to attempt clear communication first. I usually leave if it feels like I'm doing all the work/initiating, there isn't a flow, or it's all about them. Great topic!

[ge****]

It can be hard and it can be frustrating but a lot comes down to personal expectations and how you choose to view sites like this along with an acceptance that you're talking to relative strangers who may have different approaches to all this.
.
Personally I don't view each and every interaction I have here as a potential person to meet, in fact meeting someone doesn't cross my mind until a level of connection and chemistry has been established.
.
Totally understand the initial excitement of talking to someone new, and even getting invested in them, but trying to guard yourself against it a little is not a bad thing at all and avoids the frustration to an extent when things don't work out for one reason or another.
.
It's also possible with on-line interactions for one person to get more invested than the other so when the other ceases communication it can be hard to take and understand.
.
Yes in an ideal world people would be open and honest and send a polite "you're not for me" type message, but the harsh reality is this isn't an ideal world - people lose interest or aren't as invested as you, or any number of other things and move on without a second thought and whilst it can be hard to take, you have to accept that to an extent - not saying it's right they do, but guarding yourself is the best tool to protect yourself when it happens.

[16****]

8 hours ago, gemini_man said:

It can be hard and it can be frustrating but a lot comes down to personal expectations and how you choose to view sites like this along with an acceptance that you're talking to relative strangers who may have different approaches to all this.
.
Personally I don't view each and every interaction I have here as a potential person to meet, in fact meeting someone doesn't cross my mind until a level of connection and chemistry has been established.
.
Totally understand the initial excitement of talking to someone new, and even getting invested in them, but trying to guard yourself against it a little is not a bad thing at all and avoids the frustration to an extent when things don't work out for one reason or another.
.
It's also possible with on-line interactions for one person to get more invested than the other so when the other ceases communication it can be hard to take and understand.
.
Yes in an ideal world people would be open and honest and send a polite "you're not for me" type message, but the harsh reality is this isn't an ideal world - people lose interest or aren't as invested as you, or any number of other things and move on without a second thought and whilst it can be hard to take, you have to accept that to an extent - not saying it's right they do, but guarding yourself is the best tool to protect yourself when it happens.

Love this!

I just want to add walking away isn't always the hardest rejection. Sometimes when the effort is one-sided, it's like having multiple rejections back to back. Putting yourself out there, extremely vulnerable and being dismissed multiple times is like, okay I get the message.

[Di****]

16 hours ago, EDY7 said:

Well written valid and of value to all not only newcomers, I have my own policy of never ghosting and always saying an amicable goodbye even if differing with someone,

the exception to that is the repeat abuser though even then I shal be resolute and firm to make a valid point and differ in an adult way,

I commend the points made about leaving people hanging on ‘ a cliff edge ‘ not ever knowing the one positive thing from such negative experience is that one finds out if someone would have stayed the course or not in reality when physically together,

much to consider at emotional and mental health perspectives TY thank you author !

I really appreciate you reading this forum and understanding it. I've heard them say they thought ghosting was the worst thing and would never do it, but they have done so. No integrity in my opinion. Even if you feel a small connection and the convoy is amazing. Leaves one baffled. Thanks for your insight.

 

[Di****]

13 hours ago, thedazedunicorn said:

Very well said. I met someone on here and thought it was going well and when I stood my ground they disappear. I’m starting to feel like I’m just an object at this point. I’m questioning whether or not romance can be involved or is this purely just physical. From the research I’ve done of the lifestyle it’s about more than sex but it just feels like it’s all about sex.

I'm sorry you've had to experience this is as well. Absolutely it makes a person feel like its just about physical connection after they've done that. I'm a hopeless romantic but to what sacrifices does one have to make to experience BDSM. Leave the heart out of it? Maybe. Being grounded in oneself and ones convictions is important too. 

[Di****]

13 hours ago, Peonycharm said:

I am sorry you are struggling. I would suggest you take some classes on starting a dynamic and finding a play partner.

Are you on FetLife? The group “Pragmatic Kink” have some truly wonderful online classes. Also check out “Wicked Grounds”. I also have found some wonderful informational classes on the “Bloom” app.

I have recently started deep diving on my attachment style. Have you researched yours? There are assessments online you can take. Lots of podcasts and books on attachment styles are available as well.
Best of luck to you. If you have other questions feel free to DM me.

Thank you for the suggestions. Not suppose to mention other forums in this app...btw...lol I will take it into consideration. I always bounce back eventually, so thanks for the thoughts.

 

[Di****]

Thank you for that great input Sweet. Vetting is a process that is different with each new person. Many different styles and sentence structures happen with a person depending on how they language the text. Some are very intellectual as some are plain and simple. How someone says something to you can vary. I really appreciate your thoughts on this topic. Thanks you.

[Di****]

10 hours ago, gemini_man said:

It can be hard and it can be frustrating but a lot comes down to personal expectations and how you choose to view sites like this along with an acceptance that you're talking to relative strangers who may have different approaches to all this.
.
Personally I don't view each and every interaction I have here as a potential person to meet, in fact meeting someone doesn't cross my mind until a level of connection and chemistry has been established.
.
Totally understand the initial excitement of talking to someone new, and even getting invested in them, but trying to guard yourself against it a little is not a bad thing at all and avoids the frustration to an extent when things don't work out for one reason or another.
.
It's also possible with on-line interactions for one person to get more invested than the other so when the other ceases communication it can be hard to take and understand.
.
Yes in an ideal world people would be open and honest and send a polite "you're not for me" type message, but the harsh reality is this isn't an ideal world - people lose interest or aren't as invested as you, or any number of other things and move on without a second thought and whilst it can be hard to take, you have to accept that to an extent - not saying it's right they do, but guarding yourself is the best tool to protect yourself when it happens.

Omg, expectations seems to be what gets us in trouble, especially after a long waiting and dragged out vetting period. How we perceive the silence between texts for someone with a disorder causes impatience if a question isn't answered. Waiting is torture for some people, but it is a necessary lesson to be learned. I really loved this insight you gave on the topic and thank you for your perspective.

[fl****]

Wow, I didn't realize our message history at first. All I can say is wow.

[Deleted Member]

Heya I 100% agree with your take on this, can I message you personally about it, if you don't mind?

[fl****]

If your talking to me, ya thats fine.