A Dominant’s Dilemma: How Do *You* Want to Be Approached?

[cr****]

We all know the dance: too forward, and it’s aggression. Too polite, and it’s… *yawn*. So let’s cut the guesswork.

**The Question:**
As a submissive, what makes you *lean in* when a dominant approaches you—**online or in person**? What signals respect *and* intrigue from the first message or glance?

**Be Brutally Honest:**
- **Online:** What opening line doesn’t make you roll your eyes? (Bonus points if it’s not “hey.”)
- **In Person:** How can a stranger exude dominance without being a creep? A look? A tone? A specific kind of confidence?
- **Instant Turn-Offs:** What makes you shut it down immediately?

**Note:** This isn’t a debate—submissives, this is your mic. Doms, take notes. *No derailing.*

*(And yes, brats can answer too. We see you.)*

[Deleted Member]

I have been wondering these same questions. Well put, Sir!

[Ta****]

There is not fit for all. Seeing a message go in, most of us will look at your profile , some might even read it. Looks matter. A decent picture, preferably not one where you look surprised by the wizardry of our modern world. Not looking meak or desperate. Not 20 photos of presenting grim dominance.

I usually forget the first links, it's smalltalk. A question based on her interests, not one of those "ice-breakers".
More than a hey, less than a whole page with 20 questions, your cv or those awful writing attempts how you'll knead "my" peach bottom.

Kindred spirits recognize each other. If it feels right, it's easy. Don't do way to much. Show interest, but do not overdo it.

Flirting is an artform, no matter what preferences one has. It's a dance.

[Sa****]

Fish doesn't tell the fisherman how to catch it. Every reply you get will be a lie.

[Deleted Member]

The bad part is there is no correct answer or single answer to this question.

[An****]

Dom here. I don't take "too forward" as aggressive. I take it as desperate, and desperation is submission. The more attracted to me she seems to be, the more in charge I feel, and being very forward clearly conveying attraction maximizes this effect.

[si****]

Well for me personally. As one who is also very introverted and I would describe as socially awkward. Plus submissive who feels that it is not my place to approach a D type like that. I really need any contact to be instigated by others. Even if just initial communication and pleasantries. I can easily follow from that.
What does give the ick is the guys that use opening lines such as “come and suck my @&$” slut”.

[wo****]

I think for me, as an introverted sub (I feel most of us probably are 😅) I prefer the D to make the first move.

I like a message that shows they've read my profile, or are at least interested in me as a person or how I'm doing. We can get round to kink talk and such later on; for now, I need to know I can communicate openly and clearly with you without hesitation on both light and heavy topics. I also need to know you as a person, your likes and dislikes, funny anecdotes etc.
For me, that fluffy chat about everyday stuff builds up that essential trust with you, trust I need to have to even think about meeting up.

And please don't start your messages with 'would you let me #@!£& your #@!£&...' otherwise you will instantly get shut down and blocked.

The thing that exudes dominance to me is a quiet but confident tone and demeanor. Calm, collected, in control of themselves and can read body language very well. They are able to pick up on changes in behaviour and s***ch and read a room. Setting a tone for meeting like that can help me relax my mind and feel at ease.

[wo****]

Not sure why it censored the word s p e e c h...

[Ra****]

There's a lot of nuance here. Add to that, that I'm on the neuro spicy side. And it's a fine but blurry line. Be direct, be honest, and be a person before diving in. Give it a bit of time, encouragement, and consent before we go fully feral, degenerate, and hedonistic.

Even if you want 24/7 slave status, I'm still going to want to converse and communicate and do things that require "normal" interaction...

[ShockingSass]

Online, an opening message that clearly indicates they've ignored/not even looked at the contents of my bio is an instant nope.

[su****]

For myself, its about command comfort in felt safety but not demanding, u set those parameters in how you control the invitation the environment the negotiations. U lead but do not *** the conversations so they flow naturally pulling my will and teaching you who the subwith in is.
Turn offs not being true to yourself, Dont share you are totally Dominant then not lead or ask me to domme, if thats your needs cool but dnt represent then be mismatched and disappointed.
Submissive men are a big turn off for me, but someone elses yum
Lead in bs
Dont say you've read your profile then not know a thing about that person, intention and time show investment
For me i would swoon if that respect is requested then sought then proved in your leadership
Ex: first dinner,
D: do u mind if i lead n order?

Eventually i will do this naturally but for now give me 3 items you'd enjoy eating.
S: gives choices, not not saying then feeling disappointed in a wrong choice, they do not know us untill we share ourselves.
Thank you sir( not capitalize untill a established dynamic) Mr ....
Our world is so very savage and difficult to navigate but if you ever reach that place and surrender it is something unforgettable and wonderous.

[ac****]

When in doubt: just be polite. Everyone deserves basic respect and I get that icebreakers are awkward (mine are legendarily bad) but saying 'Hi nice to meet you' never hurt anyone and gives her/him a chance to check you out/respond/swipe left without any feeling of expectation. You may get a response, you may get left on read. Such is life, best of luck everyone.

[Pr****]

1 hour ago, sissysubbttm said:

Well for me personally. As one who is also very introverted and I would describe as socially awkward. Plus submissive who feels that it is not my place to approach a D type like that. I really need any contact to be instigated by others. Even if just initial communication and pleasantries. I can easily follow from that.
What does give the ick is the guys that use opening lines such as “come and suck my @&$” slut”.

I'm similar. I find it hard to initiate contact. I've had a few people who message asking for videos and to be called Master/Mistress straight away. I can be very submissive but I'm looking for a deeper D/s connection so patience and understanding are key. Take you time, get to know a person- likes, dislikes...what makes them tick. Make them feel seen, heard and safe.

[Vi****]

Depends on what you mean by “aggression”

[Deleted Member]

For me I need to be able to have trust and respect for you in order to submit. A cold opening line about what and how you want to do it to me isn’t showing me what you think it is. It’s showing me that you don’t respect me or yourself. It certainly doesn’t make me hot and bothered it shows me that you don’t have any patience to stoke the fire. It also shows me that you aren’t the kind of “dom” I need, one that demands submission without putting in the work that is required for true submission, with trust being built. It screams insecurity. With all that being said I want to be talked to like I’m a person who has a brain and not just a pussy. I need open, honest communication without manipulation. If I feel like if I can’t trust what is coming out of your mouth there will be no way I will trust you to tie my ass up.

[Li****]

4 hours ago, Massagedude1 said:

The bad part is there is no correct answer or single answer to this question.

that's bad? o.O

[Deleted Member]

Nobody is a dominant without consent. You can be the most domly dom that ever dommed.  As soon as you come into my inbox giving me demands you are blocked. I can't stand those who feel the need to have to be in control of everything and everyone 

[Te****]

Well I’ll also comment from the D side:
Just be yourself. You’re going to come across as yourself at some point anyway. If you’re a bit of an aggressive type, then fine, come across as aggressive. You will eventually anyway and you save yourself and everyone time and possibly frustration when you and the other person became more invested be just being you. You will need to find the person that fits you. That’s frustrating if that person isn’t easy to find. You may find comfort though in the knowledge that while the grass might be presented as greener for some other people, it really isn’t. We all D and s go through the same thing. Maybe most importantly don’t sell yourself as someone you’re not. Even if you „catch“ someone that way it will go downhill eventually and usually fairly soon. Remember that person was interested in the person you were portraying and not you as you are. Very frustrating for everyone at that point.

Many subs I met can tell long stories about meeting men here and elsewhere who seemed so perfect, so attuned to their need only to completely let them down by turning out to be someone else. These experiences make them very suspicious and that makes it harder for everyone including yourself if they don’t trust how you show yourself.

Admittedly it doesn’t help that also subs many times prefer a good fairytale over the boring truth. Kind of bringing that deception also partly upon themselves.

However in the end it’s the responsibility of the person approaching the other one to convey themselves truthfully and not give in to wishful thinking from the other side. If we wouldn’t do it, it wouldn’t be expected anymore eventually. Which coincidentally might lead to much better experiences and outcomes for subs as well.

[Deleted Member]

Ask a question about something on their profile. It shows respect and it’s not too forward. It shows genuine interest and that something about them caught your attention.
Don’t assume everyone wants a sexual comment thrown at them in the first message. And don’t demand they call you an honorific. Personally an honorific comes with trust especially if it’s associated with a specific dynamic (mummy/daddy/master/mistress)

[Deleted Member]

I like someone who's read my profile and understands where I'm at. Cuz I explain it well
.and acknowledges it.. polite is nice. And don't try to cyber. I got bored with it..

[Ad****]

Being someone’s dom is definitely given but drawing someone in with your dominant energy is an achievement not everyone can accomplish.

Online is more difficult for obvious reasons but sending a respectful message asking to communicate and then leaving it with a nice closer in case the person decides against messaging.

In person it’s how they approach the situation. Having a calm, quiet, respectful presence while not shrinking into the background. Having the confidence that comes with knowing how to carry yourself for whatever situation may be happening.

Immediate shut down is when the toxic masculinity shows up and tries to run the show. It becomes all about what the submissive can do for them and not about a mutually beneficial interaction.

[Deleted Member]

I personally prefer people who approach 'too politely' but still possess suaveness. I don't need extravagant showmanship.

[Ta****]

19 hours ago, worcester901954 said:

Not sure why it censored the word s p e e c h...

Isn't free s p e e c h a kind of controversial thing today, in politics and on social platforms? 1984 mixed with Brave New World, what a time to be alive

[FE****]

19 hours ago, worcester901954 said:

Not sure why it censored the word s p e e c h...

It's picked up by the software as it contains the word p e e.  Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger :-)