A Dominant’s Dilemma: How Do *You* Want to Be Approached?

[wo****]

1 hour ago, FETMod-RG said:

It's picked up by the software as it contains the word p e e.  Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger :-)

No worries, good to know!

[ki****]

Re the in person question - being confident (but not cocky) is one thing, but 'exuding dominance' will generally make anyone seem like a creep. Until you have a negotiated dynamic with someone, you are on equal footing with them. Approaching someone like you already have an existing power imbalance is icky at best...

[Deleted Member]

I find its a big spectrum, ive gotten responses on each, read their profile and go from there, if nothing helpful shoot your shot in whatever direction you think and hope 🤷‍♂️

[Pr****]

Like Kit said, the confidence for sure. That with a good bit of charisma is pretty much all you need. Add a large dose of respecting consent and I melt instantly.

[Vi****]

I personally don't really want respect from a dom or domme. I want control.
Aggressive and disrespectful make me melt. I guess I'm abnormal.

[lu****]

Online: I like an opening line that demonstrates that somebody took the time to read my profile. But mainly it's respect. I tend to move exceedingly slow as far as any sexual interaction goes, part of that is to test their interest in me as a person and not just a plaything.

[ki****]

I agree with many others. I respond to plenty, even if it seems I don't. It is about energy, respect, and checking out their profile. If they've shown that they've read my profile, I'm more likely to respond. I don't initiate because I'm shy. I won't get over that. Having someone say 'get over it' and do it first, in fact doesn't make me get over it or approach anyone. So I do need the approach.
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I will check your profile for photos, to see if you're in a relationship, to see your bio. Share who you are, post photos. They don't have to be all you, or all "extra". Read who I am. Prove that you're capable of being different from another, and that you're seeking something besides a casual quickie. I take all this very seriously, it's not a game for me.
.
If you wish me to take you seriously, you will approach me seriously. That doesn't mean no personality. It means I am not a thing to demand stuff of. I do not owe others my time, or a response. I have yet to feel trust toward you, and I default to the assumption you'll disappear on me quickly, or have messaged a ton of women, and are. At which point why would I bother to respond? Give me a reason. I am not a number, a place to stick it, a thing to demand of. I have wants and needs like any other. You have not earned any submission from me, and not just anyone will.
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Prove you're different. It is not too much, to ask for effort.

[wh****]

I personally need more time and connection to ease into sexual and kinky things than most people seem to need, like weeks of established friendship, more than one meeting, etc. So I get immediately turned off if someone tries to be super sexual right away, a little flirtation is okay but overtly sexual messages just feels like this person isn't respecting my boundaries that I put in my profile. I also get turned off if a Dom is trying to be controlling or assert that dominance before we reach that point or without talking to me about that first. To be fair, I'm a switch with trust issues so getting into that comfortable space and navigating my own dominant side is tricky. What does work is when Doms take their time with me, when they show me that they see me as a whole person rather than a sexual object. It doesnt mean we have to be in love or super committed, but the respect and communication has to be there. Like for me, I'd like for them to see my submission as a gift or a privilege rather than something they're entitled to. I know that's not the same for everyone and more power to other people who have a different experience and preferences and kink identities.

[FR****]

Confidence. I like a confident (not cocky) Dom. It is all in the delivery, but if you seem meek or shy it won't awaken my submission. Not to say that after getting to know them that things won't change, they could but I'm more responsive towards a man that not only makes me feel comfortable but is confident without being arrogant and rude.

Online- Say hello, introduce yourself, ask a question, state your intentions, leave it open ended. Bonus points if you genuinly make me laugh, but not with some crampy dad or knock knock joke.

In person- walk up confidently, state why you're interrupting my day, ask questions then feel the vibe, if the vibe is right don't ask for my number, tell me to put it into your phone. Don't waiver on your intentions, it's definitely a vibe that is given off rather than specific words or phrases. But make your point, don't small talk me, I don't know you.

Instant turn offs- People who say they partake in kink yet know nothing about it.
Saying you have no limits, you do, you should, and I won't touch you without knowing them. No limits = not interested.
People who say "im going to make you say red" uhmm you're not, goodbye. If you think that's something to aspire to, I dunno what to tell you.

Inability to answer basic kink questions to review boundaries, limits and establish consent. If the only thing you know about FRIES is that they are derived from potato, do not message me, you will fail the vet process and waste each others time.

Insisting on honorifics (outside of a respectful Sir) or expecting submission without bond is crazy to me. If I am not your submissive, you don't get submission.

[su****]

I am bipolar, I've written my profile to enable people to approach me as I have social anxiety disorder. I believe that by being as honest about yourself, you are more likely to attract the right person. But if a Dom can't lead a conversation, it's a no go for me as communication is imperative. I also believe showing you interested is 1 thing, but as a submissive I don't chase. 

[Deleted Member]

I find this a very interesting question. Finding a Dom in RL is not an easy thing. I find asking a simple but still kink style question helps. You can see in the eyes if the link is there. But beyond that. ???? What does a dom need to hear to let them know . You have a link.

[AsianChicklet]

I’m new to this, but I’m looking for that balance between a Dominant being confident and moving too quickly. Someone who will make it clear he is claiming me but not moving immediately to giving commands. Someone who makes me feel safe but pulls me out of my comfort zone.

[Pl****]

This is something I've struggled with. I'm dominant in the bedroom; but her pleasure is my main joy, so my Dominance is secondary to who I am. Trying to find that line between sexy, flirty and just interested in you outside the bedroom as a person has been tricky, and not something that comes easily.

[Ma****]

I like to be approached first. If I tease u or pick on u I'm into it. I seldom message or approach first but sometime I get tired of waiting so I'll shoot my shot.

[pu****]

Someone that understands that submission is EARNED. Approach as one human to another. Don’t get into the energy of Dom/sub right away. Imo it isn’t respectful.

[De****]

I’d say for me it’s the energy they bring. Yes I want a Dom who knows when to tell me to get on my knees but I also want someone who comes off as laid back when in public as to not draw attention to the punishment I’m probably about to get. Eye contact that’s engaged in what ever is being talked about is huge too. I enjoy when a guy has a nice smelling cologne that’s not over powering but just slight where you have to be closer to sent. Hugeee turn on. Look at me like you want me naked but respectfully 🥰 good way to gauge your sub is to lean over slightly or reach for something near them and watch their body language. I always move my body according to how interested I am in someone. But all this is just my personal experience and preference. Watch where they look and if it’s not at you then politely excuse yourself. Hope this helps someone who’s unsure.

[ki****]

I don’t like dominant people first to tell me what to do online and tribute before getting session. I don’t like being paypig not a turn on it’s not my fetish kink .
My kink fetish is to obey mistress that enjoys my pleasure to my kinks and desires to humiliate ***d in worship .

[ri****]

I have a flashing approach with caution light on my forehead. Not many people. Approach me or have approached me but of I am come to me and tell me your name and strike a conversation. Don't just assume I wanna hop into bed with u.

[de****]

For me, it's all about kindness and respect, including respecting (and being interested in) that I am a full person.

Online: I love when someone comes into my DMs with something that shows they read my profile/looked past my first picture and are genuinely interested in me as a person.

In person: I don't necessarily want someone who "exudes dominance" as a default, actually. (My most recent dom, on meeting, hesitated to even ask for a hug because he didn't want to seem too forward and it was charming as fuck.) I love a good flash of dominance if we get into flirting/have escalated that way (a flirty description of what you'd do if you were domming me is a great thing for this), but my best doms have truly been the most gentle, non-dominant humans when not domming.

Turn offs: don't dom me on sight/before I've consented. (Also, it really makes you feel like a pickup artist.) Submission is earned. Don't turn it on before you've shown yourself to be someone I can submit to safely. Also... If we're in public (vibes check at a coffee shop, dungeon, etc), don't be rude to the staff. If you're rude to the staff, I will absolutely say no, even if you might make me cum hard.

[Wi****]

Respect!!

Yes, it is a dance. The submissive leads quietly, subtly. Your job is to pay attention and follow. Try not to step on their toes.
Do it right and there will come a time to get naughty. If that time is in your intro message, you won't get far (maybe with some).

READ THE FRIGGEN PROFILE! If their interest is NSA, Kinky encounters, ONS... probably don't lead with convo about marriage and commitment. If they are looking for LTR play the long game. Get to know them. They want more than a few nights with you. Maybe see if you're even interested before asking for naughty pics.
The best way to exude confidence is to be genuine and honest.

Remember that the goal isn't to get 100 chats that lead nowhere, it's to get 5 convos that lead to something good and maybe even one that leads to something magical!

Personally the best opening for me is a greeting and a mention of something from MY profile. Don't copy and paste that one you used on 7 other people. Come on... Effort counts. Instead of "Hey" try "Hey, I noticed (something not naughty about them that caught your eye). I'd love to learn more about you!" ... Hits different. And some brats like to be teased a little tiny bit. Like a tv show cliffhanger (not about your penis!).

[Wi****]

3 hours ago, demislut said:

For me, it's all about kindness and respect, including respecting (and being interested in) that I am a full person.

Online: I love when someone comes into my DMs with something that shows they read my profile/looked past my first picture and are genuinely interested in me as a person.

In person: I don't necessarily want someone who "exudes dominance" as a default, actually. (My most recent dom, on meeting, hesitated to even ask for a hug because he didn't want to seem too forward and it was charming as fuck.) I love a good flash of dominance if we get into flirting/have escalated that way (a flirty description of what you'd do if you were domming me is a great thing for this), but my best doms have truly been the most gentle, non-dominant humans when not domming.

Turn offs: don't dom me on sight/before I've consented. (Also, it really makes you feel like a pickup artist.) Submission is earned. Don't turn it on before you've shown yourself to be someone I can submit to safely. Also... If we're in public (vibes check at a coffee shop, dungeon, etc), don't be rude to the staff. If you're rude to the staff, I will absolutely say no, even if you might make me cum hard.

100%

[ki****]

On 5/28/2025 at 3:11 PM, WildflowerBrat said:

Respect!!

Yes, it is a dance. The submissive leads quietly, subtly. Your job is to pay attention and follow. Try not to step on their toes.
Do it right and there will come a time to get naughty. If that time is in your intro message, you won't get far (maybe with some).

READ THE FRIGGEN PROFILE! If their interest is NSA, Kinky encounters, ONS... probably don't lead with convo about marriage and commitment. If they are looking for LTR play the long game. Get to know them. They want more than a few nights with you. Maybe see if you're even interested before asking for naughty pics.
The best way to exude confidence is to be genuine and honest.

Remember that the goal isn't to get 100 chats that lead nowhere, it's to get 5 convos that lead to something good and maybe even one that leads to something magical!

Personally the best opening for me is a greeting and a mention of something from MY profile. Don't copy and paste that one you used on 7 other people. Come on... Effort counts. Instead of "Hey" try "Hey, I noticed (something not naughty about them that caught your eye). I'd love to learn more about you!" ... Hits different. And some brats like to be teased a little tiny bit. Like a tv show cliffhanger (not about your penis!).

Agree as a brat that is new I prefer when guys don’t ask if I’m ok with d**k pics in the first 5 mins then when I say no there like yeah I’m not into that. Then why did you ask if your not into that?

[Lexaas]

As a writer and a dominant, I like to "make an entrance" with my first message. First impressions are important, so I try my best and probably spend a few minutes on each message.

Sometimes I'm attracted to a woman, but she has barely filled in her profile, has no description, and I'm left scratching my head thinking of something unique and interesting to say to such a profile. I would like to tailor my message to their profile, but if there's no information from which I can create an engaging approach, how do I proceed?

I've spent months messaging women as respectfully but confidently as possible, but apart from those who haven't logged in for a long time, I've received no responses except "this kinkster has passed on you"

I'm still trying, but not really sure what else I can try

[Pl****]

I’m also a writer in the dominant and had started doing a lot of the same things. I definitely think that’s the way to go about it. But I definitely think also there’s such a thing as writing too much of an intro. It’s a fine line that I’m still trying to figure out. I figure, just be engaging, talk about something in their profile that makes them realize. Hey, this person is actually interested in me and not just my body. That’s a good place to start. I realize most of the people on here I’ve ever reached out to simply have not seen my messages at all because they’re no longer on the app. But I built a few meaningful connections with this method so far. Not a lot, but I don’t need a lot. Just a few.

[Deleted Member]

Be authentic, come out of the gate as you see fit. Dominance is a masculine energy with its own pull. Anything creative. Not Hey beautiful, I will break you. Talk like you would to a new friend. If your a full on freak let your freak fly ! Online, Hi your profile intrigued me. Would you be willing to tell me more? How’s your day, don’t step on a lego! Be confident, not arrogant or egotistical. Just be authentic it’s the only way to make a real connection… Eye roll, What are you looking for? My reply I’m just a traveler searching for purity. What do you search for. Look and tone if there is a connection it should pull it’s own weight. Shut-downs. Inconsistency, trying to hard to indemnify who you are. Hey, my dicks the Dragon King🤢

I won’t reveal my submssive side until I feel your can earn the right to make me yours. By being who you are! Its the best sexy flex.