Non-Monogamy and the Endless Audition: When the Freedom Feels Like a Chore

[Deleted Member]

No one tells you that nonmonogamy often feels like Groundhog Day with worse writing. Nonmonogamy, in theory, is about abundance. More freedom, more connection, more possibility. But in practice? It’s often emotional s***d dating soaked in existential dread.

You're not drowning in love -- you’re drowning in introductions. New people. New conversations. New performances. “So, what are you into?” “What does nonmonogamy mean to you?” “Do you believe in primary partners?” Cue the softcore philosophy, recycled consent language, and the awkward dance of trying to be charming without being creepy.

It’s less about openness and more about the churn -- that soul numbing cycle of explaining yourself for the 100th time, only to realize they don’t even have a sense of humor, let alone a sense of depth. At some point, you stop feeling adventurous and start feeling like a LinkedIn recruiter for your own intimacy.

And the worst part? The “freedom” can make you feel like you’re failing if you want something consistent -- someone who just gets nuance, jokes that land, and what you mean when you say “I don’t do shallow.” You’re not asking for monogamy. You’re asking for relief from the reruns. You’re not closed. You’re just tired of auditioning.

Then, if you're lucky, you meet someone different. Someone who doesn't flinch when you're quiet. Who prefers presence over performance. Suddenly, you remember why you opened up to this lifestyle in the first place -- not for more people, but for better ones (if there are better ones anymore).

Nonmonogamy doesn’t have to feel like a full time casting call. But you’ve got to start showing up as the reality and stop mistaking the churn for connection.

1. When did nonmonogamy feel most fulfilling to you and when did it start to feel like work?

2. How do you differentiate between genuine connection and just another “performance”?

3. What does "freedom" actually mean to you in relationships and has that definition changed over time?

[Ro****]

Ya, sounds similar to being single and dating.

[Bo****]

You're an excellent writer. One has to ask though, what's with all of the downers man? Like, what makes you happy? I get being cynical but damn. I'm not into non-monogamy so nothing to add there.

[LustAndLogic]

Isn't online dating for men in general like LinkedIn recruiting for a job nobody wants to do? If you want to maintain your mental sanity, you need to have a systematic approach devoid of any emotional involvement to eventually get the position filled.

[gy****]

I completely agree with this. I’ve only recently opened up my marriage and I’m finding all of my time is vetting people to see if they’re on the same page.

[thehourofchaos]

1 hour ago, LustAndLogic said:

Isn't online dating for men in general like LinkedIn recruiting for a job nobody wants to do? If you want to maintain your mental sanity, you need to have a systematic approach devoid of any emotional involvement to eventually get the position filled.

Bleh. That doesn't sound like a good time.

[Bi****]

For me, the freedom isnt to date date date multiple people…it’s to allow all of my connections to evolve how they would naturally evolve without being stifled by a hetero normative box. If I make a friend, and we vibe, we can explore that vibe. We don’t have to pretend it doesn’t exist just because I have a “partner” already.

[Pr****]

It's all the same dyadic experience, just with a different set of constraints. Polies call the box social conditioning and usually harp on the same anthropolical case studies of non-manogamy across time and culture.

They bond over being different and typically share a lot of feelings if repression, the same way monogamists often find the poly scene or dating culture at large to be stifling and fatiguing.

At some point, all forms of external love fall flat, and you realize the subject and the object of love share only one thing in common: you. You can only love on your own behalf, may as well be exclusive. Any form of external bond, dyadic or poly, is just chemical high.

1. Social context and people tend to change rapidly, and often, when I realized all this, I began to enjoy the game. But relating will always be work. It's just more purposeful for me now.

2. I read the vibes and gauge my intuition a) when I'm with them, b) when I think about them, and c) when we communicate. I also look for reciprocal escalation and consider attentiveness over time the hallmark features of an authentic bond when I'm interpreting the signals. Things I feel consistently I consider more, like behaviors.

3. Freedom is trust. Trust in God/universe/Spirit/yourself. Consistent behavior, like regular texting, says a lot. What about their tone? Their eyes? Where are they placing their attention when we're together? Freedom is to know that no matter what, you're accepted by the ones that matter most and that you won't be betrayed for being you. That your connection to yourself and by extension the external is rooted in authentic appreciation md acceptance.

Too many people confuse freedom for 'freedom to do..." because they feel repressed. Freedom has absolutely nothing to do with which paradigm you follow or which series of papers you like to cite for the theories you subscribe to. I've seen my opinion slowly evolve throughout relationships for sure, I used to think it was about limits, rules, and perspectives. Now I know better it's a state of being and not a state of affairs.

[Ki****]

3 hours ago, LustAndLogic said:

Isn't online dating for men in general like LinkedIn recruiting for a job nobody wants to do? If you want to maintain your mental sanity, you need to have a systematic approach devoid of any emotional involvement to eventually get the position filled.

Wow that’s bleak. My experience couldn’t be more different, and wonder how much of this experience men have with dating is because they play a numbers game. I generally only message people I think I would match well with and that would probably be interested in me based on their profile. I take time to craft a personalised message just for them, and I tend to have a fairly high “success” rate in responses. I’ve met two partners online that I’m still with, and some play partners too. I tend to be a big believer in the idea that if something isn’t working, it’s because I’m doing the same thing over and over again, and so I change my approach. Keep evolving new strategies to how I approach situations. But if you’re not enjoying something, just stop doing it and do something else. For example, stop doing online dating and meet people at munches instead.

[Ki****]

But all of that said, yeah, online dating is grim. Whoever invented it has a lot to answer for 😂

[lo****]

Omg I felt this post so much .

After what felt like forever of socials and hi how are yous , we have finally found two couples we play with a lot and I have two guys who I solo meet with . But getting to that stage seemed to take an age as we are very much a quality over quantity couple. I don’t have the head space to try and find more , what with the chaos of day to day life x

[Sw****]

I have never been in an ENM dynamic before... unless you want to consider my situationships. 😆 Therefore, I can not speak on #1.

2. Genuine Connection = Performance

I believe that every Connection starts as a Performance. The performance strengthens the Connection. The connection continues the performance.

❗️PERFORMANCE DOESN'T MEAN FAKE.❗️
N
We are naturally wired to put ourselves in the spotlight. For me, it truly depends on my interactions individually with said person to determine if it becomes a lasting connection.

❗️CONNECTION TAKES TWO, EVEN IF THE SECOND IS YOUR EGO. ❗️

#3. FREEDOM= 🦅

2010- 2013: FIR meant allowing my partner to do anything he wanted with no complaints from me. #boysnightout

2013- 2016: FIR meant we both had separate lives, and our merged life. #HisandHers

2016- 2019: FIR: It doesn't exist!!

2019- 2023: FIR: Situationship, because being "tied down" meant putting your life on hold. #SLIDETOGETHER #CLIMBTOGETHER

2023-Present: FIR: Sharing a mutually beneficial and supportive space, according to our sculpted dynamic. #fromthegroundup

[Deleted Member]

This is absolutely written in Chatgpt.

[Sw****]

This is not written in ChatGPT. I sat down wrote it out, reread, proofread, edited, and then posted

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Switchamaya said:

This is not written in ChatGPT. I sat down wrote it out, reread, proofread, edited, and then posted

I didn't quote your comment. I think you misunderstood what I was calling AI. ALL of Mk's posts have been written with Chatgpt. You can tell by the placements of em dashes.

[Deleted Member]

Chatgpt everyone...

Topic: When Non-Monogamy Feels Like a Chore

Non-monogamy was supposed to be freeing. More sex, more connection, more yes. And at first, it was. Exploring different dynamics, chasing chemistry, living outside the box—it was hot.

But somewhere along the way, it started feeling like work. Emotional check-ins, scheduling conflicts, partner jealousy, unread messages, endless communication. Suddenly my libido had a calendar and a to-do list.

I’m not anti-poly. I still believe it can work. But I’m burned out. Managing multiple dynamics in kink/fetish spaces takes energy—and lately, it feels like there’s nothing left for me.

Anyone else hit this wall?
How do you recharge when emotional labor outweighs the fun?
What keeps non-monogamy from becoming just another obligation?

[ey****]

I guess it depends on your approach (to Non-Mono, or relationships in general) and how you see things.

Like, if you are actively attempting to grow your polycule or relationship network - then yes this is going to happen and it's part of the territory.

I guess it's also a potential good sign if you are going through these conversations a lot in the sense that there are more folk potentially interested.
I think I'd cite all the guys who moan they can't even get a response

For me. I dunno, I find it exciting getting to know new people especially when it's someone with a realistic chance of some form of play or relationship - yeah, sometimes there is a little dance as you circle back round the basics and stuff - but folk are interesting.

I guess if it is getting too much to the point it's exhausting - then I guess temporary pausing is one option
Another is to look at more passive approaches (which is what I tend to do) and of course - being more selective earlier on who you even get that far with.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, bfury said:

I didn't quote your comment. I think you misunderstood what I was calling AI. ALL of Mk's posts have been written with Chatgpt. You can tell by the placements of em dashes.

good spot

I had a few moments where I did feel there was contradictions between some of the posts - and GPT would explain tit. 

[Deleted Member]

58 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

good spot

I had a few moments where I did feel there was contradictions between some of the posts - and GPT would explain tit. 

To me it is no different than bots using AI generated images to prey on desperate men. He is using AI to garner attention from people who would otherwise pay him no mind. It's icky to do on a fetish site.

Further more, he trained his bot to be super morose and downward punching. Everything just seems backhanded and judgmental.

[ey****]

32 minutes ago, bfury said:

Further more, he trained his bot to be super morose and downward punching. Everything just seems backhanded and judgmental.

A lot does, yep

I think if nothing else that perhaps what is being produced isn't being checked

there was a rise of this a while ago - a bunch of people posting blogs AI had written and they also had exactly the same structure which was one of the tells 

I did end up posting a post, made by AI, warning of the issues using AI on stuff like this - but buggered if I can find it. 

[Mo****]

1. The idea of Non-mon...was exciting when I pictured consenting, sexually responsible partners with a focus on each others pleasure and exploration. However, I grew disdain when I discovered a bunch of selfish individuals, unaware of their own sexual health, and pretty much said anything to increasing their body count. 2. This has caused me to deny my drive. Deny the churns, the excitement of the new, and hoped for. But rather, stretch out the process substantially . This is hard because I thrive off the passion of spontaneity. 3. I think freedom is to be free of the worry, distrust, self-serving interest, and superficial insecurities. Instead, it is to be desired, focused, and totally free of apprehension with the one or ones you have selected. If you're not creating mind-blowing experiences, what's the point of any of this. Simply to scratch an itch?