Communicating with ADHD

[Le****]

For those who have ADHD or those who are with someone who does and wish to try and get a little deeper into their psyche.
I wish someone had given these pointers to me and those I was with years ago. Would have been helpful. If it helps you, comment. Or don't. Live your best life.


Patience is a virtue. It's also a very hard thing to have when one is adhd (Diagnosed for 36 years now). How does one overcome the hyperactive fixation of needing to talk to someone who needs a little time and not blast their phone or socials with nervous, often circular messages? I've tried a few techniques, some work better than others.

1. Total distraction. Texters only for the first one. Turning up music, turning on the TV. Walking on a treadmill or doing some other workout. This helps sometimes when you are on the excited and happy side of things and trying not to scare away a prospective relationship. 6/10 for utility, ease and effect. Not very useful when you are worried about something though. The adhd brain WILL fight through the extra and you know it.

2. Novellas. One of the big thing that bugs a non adhd person about us is the NUMBER of messages we send, especially when bothered or worried about something but we don't want to lose or alienate someone and instead are trying to have a general discussion. (X) We send our message, then we clarify the idea and the intended point after seeing it on screen and rushing through the 400 ways it could be interpreted. Then we apologize for clarifying because we know you aren't stupid and we didn't mean to insinuate that at all. Then we try and get immediate feedback and oftentimes will overthink a delayed reaction. We worry about if we upset you and how to make it better without seeming needy bc no one wants that so... *return to (X)*

As the texter, try sending a single message and don't care how long it is. You already know you will blow up there phone if given enough time without a response so try and send them as larger, less intrusive messages l. Try writing a message, dont hit send. Wait 10 seconds maybe a few more and allow the next word buffet to come out of you, trying to stay on original topic. Be aware that a bunch of these may come across as intimidating so try to hold to a minimum if you can. I can't. I also hate writing so it's like I'm punishing both of us during this time.
As the receiver of these texts, be aware that the long, possibly a little incoherent ramblings are hopefully coming from a good place and from someone who is trying. Tones of the messages is key. If it's abrasive, abusive, or angry, choose to either let the person know how it came across (if you believe they are honestly trying to communicate and not berate) or choose to block the person if it's abusive. Because there WILL be more messages. Also, if you prefer the shorter messages. Say so. We with adhd tend to also be people pleasers and would love to try and communicate with you in a way that works for you.

3. Triple check. This goes great with the novelas approach or on its own. The goal for this is to simply slow down the s***d at which you bombard the receiver. By reading each message in it's entirety, you get another chance to make sure you didn't accidentally word something a little wrong that can be blown up by anger or frustration. I often like to start at the end of my message and read each sentence as an entirely separate idea, proofing for tone and other grammatical errors at the same time.
As the receiver of the messages, This approach also helps to ensure you didn't miss any messages or intent that was attempting to be shared and by breaking sentences from the paragraph, you may notice something that got accidentally glossed over due to our eyes picking up specific keywords based on our emotional state at the time.

4. Put the phone down. Out of sight... out of mind...ish. this is again not a foolproof method as it is entirely a self management technique, but setting the phone down and not having it in exact proximity will often times allow me to use the first technique more efficiently. I find that a little physical space between me and the device helps slow down the onslaught of words sometimes. This gives the other person a chance to really absorb and react to your messages, more than a handful of times, my messages were received perfectly, intent was clear, and it was received positively in the manner it was meant to be taken, but the next message gets worded just a hair wrong. Those of you who know, know. This happens. And you can tell because often times their response may start out in a forgiving tone or even with "that's ok" and then it seems to get a little shorter and less friendly by the end of the response. That's because we aren't waiting to get their response and react accordingly. We are assuming how we think they will respond and feel and that's never good. Take the time to set the phone down. Let them reply. Tell them you are setting the phone down. As long as you have been respectful, they should get back to you.
To the receivers, if your person is telling you they are putting the phone down. Acknowledge this in your first response. This will reassure them that the approach is working and will calm the anxiety down a little. Might even help you to get a little more calm to really think about what needs to be communicated. Alternatively, feel free to tell the texter that you will be muting their messages or putting your phone down of you need a little break and let them know that you will respond when you return. This will probably cause more messages and faster messages for at least a few minutes but you have informed them of the situation and it is now their decision to try and respect your wishes or not.



In summary. Communication with adhd can be difficult on both sides of the coin. Patience from both sides is necessary to build a proper relationship. Patience to try and understand where the person you may care about is coming from and Patience to realize that your message may not have been sent the best way so it's ok that they are a little frustrated. Control may be hard to accomplish, but with effort and support, it can be improved. If you care about your hyperactive partner, don't be scared to repeat what you need as long as they are making a true attempt at listening and doing what they can to follow your wishes. Everyone makes mistakes but it's the effort and intent that counts. If they make NO attempt or just seem to ignore you, then yes. It may be time to move on. Do not let yourself be used, manipulated, ***d or disrespected by anyone. Even if they try and say it's from the adhd. Adhd causes distractions, overthinking, knee jerk responses and hyperfixation but not disrespect. Relationships in this community MUST be built on mutual care and respect as a transfer of power and control, physical, mental, or emotional , is almost Always an element involved. This can only work with proper trust and that must be earned. Always ensure your own safety and wellbeing as well as the ones you care about. This is something I myself have issues with but I'm ok with it so... you know. Do as I say not as I do. Lol. I'd love to hear if this could help anyone out there or if everyone just thinks it is a load of nonsensical hooey from an anxiously waiting mind.

[Da****]

I'll be back

[tb****]

I understand this. I'm the same way sending long texts and either responding very quickly, or taking a long time to respond because I want to get it right or I forgot about it. I overthink, over share and over explain everything and often miss or misread social cues. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that does these things. I'm overly honest too when in relationships as well. I haven't had many and it's been 10 years since I had one.

[Ch****]

I also am diagnosed with ADHD and I wholeheartedly approve this message. It was spot on !

[Le****]

8 minutes ago, tbond007 said:

I understand this. I'm the same way sending long texts and either responding very quickly, or taking a long time to respond because I want to get it right or I forgot about it. I overthink, over share and over explain everything and often miss or misread social cues. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that does these things. I'm overly honest too when in relationships as well. I haven't had many and it's been 10 years since I had one.

This is an active learning experience for me and I will continue to try and improve my communication with those I care about through that which I've learned. If anyone feels like they have any more suggestions to help smooth these types of rocky situations I would greatly appreciate the input.

[tb****]

Me too. I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD, but self diagnosis has me very high or severe. I've done a lot of masking to seem normal, but it makes me seem less normal.

[Le****]

11 minutes ago, ChocBabyGirl said:

I also am diagnosed with ADHD and I wholeheartedly approve this message. It was spot on !

If you have any ideas or suggestions that seem to help you personally that haven't been mentioned, please list them. I am always trying to improve myself to be the best dom I can be. Training is not just for a sub. A dom must also continue to train themselves as well. Growth and improvement are the waters that flow towards perfection, they must never stop or one becomes stagnant in life

[Ch****]

@Leechumley85 I appreciate that. For me, you covered really the main points that I suffer from as well. But I will surely dive back in and add if I think of anything ..☺️

[tb****]

I understand that as I've become stagnant in life with no relationship or friends or intimacy with anyone. I want to grow and improve but don't know how to start or where, when or who with. I'm here mostly for the advice too and support.

[Le****]

9 minutes ago, tbond007 said:

Me too. I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD, but self diagnosis has me very high or severe. I've done a lot of masking to seem normal, but it makes me seem less normal.

Never mask. This is a block to communication as it doesn't allow pure honesty. Read my profile. I attempt to explain my worst attributes that I have noticed causing me issues and to forewarn those who decide to speak with me. This gives the person who may be interested in you an idea of how troublesome or extremely positive situations may affect you and them as well. This will allow them to come in with an understanding and often leads to more compassionate responses as they are aware and prepared somewhat. It may still end up being too much for them and if so, you may have to accept that this isn't your match. Regardless of just how well other things such as life goals and careers line up together. They say there's someone for everyone and sometimes the puzzle piece that may fit, just isn't the right one for that spot.

[Le****]

16 minutes ago, ChocBabyGirl said:

@leechumley85 I appreciate that. For me, you covered really the main points that I suffer from as well. But I will surely dive back in and add if I think of anything ..☺️

Yeah. It's amazing how even as indivuals with our own minds and thought processes and experiences, there are commonalities that affect us the same way. It is always exciting to find someone willing to be patient with and sometimes for you. I have always said codependency isn't a totally bad thing. I like to call it supporting eachother where the other falls short. I find that as an adhd'er, that I can offer the unique ability to try and see things from many angles at once. My problem is not listing them all and commenting on each one offering solutions or criticism as the situation calls for. This type of overthinking and extraneous commentary seems to be too intense in civilized society and often times can be scary to the person receiving it. I am working on trying to figure out how to streamline this instead and it seems that asking questions may help. But then where's the limit on questions? How much information should I try to get before allowing the mouse on the wheel to get back to work? All part of the growth and improvement I guess.

[Ch****]

@Leechumley85, my friend ex was the only person that understood and knew how to help manage my adhd and it was a very codependent relationship. I am not sure if I would function well outside of that and I’m done masking. It’s like you said it really boils down to being as transparent as you can be with or without being on the spectrum, but ESPECIALLY with. If they don’t understand or can’t deal then yes, that is not your person and it’s no one’s fault. Therapy hasn’t helped much with the hyper fixation thought. That’s the hardest thing for me to manage. I read your profile and it was really amazing to read how transparent you are. I know that it can only help someone in their expectations of you.

[Le****]

30 minutes ago, tbond007 said:

I understand that as I've become stagnant in life with no relationship or friends or intimacy with anyone. I want to grow and improve but don't know how to start or where, when or who with. I'm here mostly for the advice too and support.

Being stagnant in life is an issue. However if you have become stagnant, you are the only one that can get that water flowing again. Before focusing on another person, do a quick inventory. Are you doing what makes you happy in life? Are you making progress in other areas that you can give credit to yourself for? Are there any specific goals you may have as far as future accomplishments. Once you are truly honest with yourself, you may find that one or more of those are lacking. I myself had a period of time where I wasn't living. I was surviving. I had topped out and was well respected at a dead end job, had started trying to accomplish my primary goal of the time of having a family without putting down any of the foundation to do so such as guaranteed security of a home or career, had no personal goals to try and work towards that I could get a sense of pride from. What is your primary goal? What foundation have you laid to support this goal? Often times we as adhd'ers we want to fast forward to the itlnteresting part. It works well on an action movie and u get it done in 20 minutes. It falls apart in real time action. Think of a personal, small to medium goal and work that goal. Once that accomplished feeling enters you, focus on the extras. It will boost your confidence and that will be noticed. Try the open book honesty route. It is normally accepted with open arms. Like. Update your profile bud. Reword what you have said and the support you feel may be helpful into a positive light. Instead of the I've become stagnant and don't feel like there's much to hope for angle try....

After realizing things weren't going the direction I wanted I am starting a new journey with bright hopes of reaching my new goals!

It's all mindset. I see you wanting to improve but you are crushing that attempt by focusing on what you don't have. Focus on what you do and what you want to achieve or how you plan on achieving it. You text a lot.. say that! I'm straight forward and brutally honest in every encounter that affords me the opportunity. It's more likely that someone who has chosen to give you the chance after accepting the terms that you present up front, will try to meet you where u are at and work together to solve an issue that may arise

[Le****]

17 minutes ago, ChocBabyGirl said:

@leechumley85, my friend ex was the only person that understood and knew how to help manage my adhd and it was a very codependent relationship. I am not sure if I would function well outside of that and I’m done masking. It’s like you said it really boils down to being as transparent as you can be with or without being on the spectrum, but ESPECIALLY with. If they don’t understand or can’t deal then yes, that is not your person and it’s no one’s fault. Therapy hasn’t helped much with the hyper fixation thought. That’s the hardest thing for me to manage. I read your profile and it was really amazing to read how transparent you are. I know that it can only help someone in their expectations of you.

Even so. I still haven't been transparent enough sometimes. But there's a line where you have transparency and honesty and they turn into scare tactics. I haven't yet found the perfect combination but I feel as if I'm getting closer. And no. I never found a therapist to be efficient at helping with most of my issues. One did teach me how to control impulsive anger reactions as a child and that in and of itself helped me become closer to those around me. I couldn't tell you how because I didn't pay exact attention. But I can tell you it worked. The last occasion where I struck a person in anger or destroyed something of sentimental value was over 25 years ago. I can say that when I feel extreme emotions coming to a boil, I am generally able to focus and calm myself. However not all emotions can be handled this way. Anger, depression, and exuberance tend to be able to be controlled in this manner but *** of loss, longing, and premature emotional connections tend to be a bit harder to control. Focusing only seems to cause more thought to be directed towards these emotions, thereby intensifying them. And compartmentalizing them is just as bad. It is a temporary dam but as the frequency of those emotions increase, the damage begins to crack. Instead of easing out and being manageable, they rush out all at once, getting banged and jumbled together until the root cause of the matter is unrecognizable and one is left to try and reassemble the mess so as to try and get a handle on emotional tidal waves.

[tb****]

I want a family and my own home. I'm in the process of aquiring my mom's home since she passed away last December. Dating is something I want to do, but I don't get any matches online and in person I overthink and take too long reading or misreading social cues.

[Le****]

So instead of that attitude, try...

Soon to be homeowner looking for live in partner and friend. I'm healthy, strong, and own the best suspenders this side of the rockies... no don't ask about the other side of the rockies. I'll say the wrong thing and I'll probably miss the point if I am distracted but I love a little direction and I'm always willing to listen to direct communication. Always down to learn something new and I'd love to learn how to communicate with YOU better so that we can see if we are a good fit! I don't mind a little push if you think it's necessary, but don't worry. Once this big rock starts rolling, it gets down the hill. Ill keep you warm in the winter and carry the beach umbrellas in the summer. Can't wait to experience something new together with you!

It offers a little comedy, removes the deceased family member (condolences) and explains that deep down you are a loveable lug who just wants a turn at the big wheel. It offers a semi date idea and puts the image of a fun time at the beach in their head.
It communicates gently, the desire to get a little assistance and patience in communication while letting them know you will be trying to get better. Saying I overthink and take too long to read or misread things sends the message that you don't know how to handle that problematic you don't want help for some reason. It smacks of desperation. U have to walk with your head held high, even if your the first to get rained on

[Deleted Member]

If you figure it out, let me know, lol. It physically feels almost ***ful for me when I have to wait long amounts of time between communication. 3 hours between texts is normal for many people, but for me it feels like twice as long. Then I spiral into the "I don't think they are that into me because they don't reply often." Thank goodness I can't have my phone on me at work, lol. I develope feelings too fast and if I try to stop it, I will just end up thinking about it 24/7.

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, Sleepy-Princess said:

If you figure it out, let me know, lol. It physically feels almost ***ful for me when I have to wait long amounts of time between communication. 3 hours between texts is normal for many people, but for me it feels like twice as long. Then I spiral into the "I don't think they are that into me because they don't reply often." Thank goodness I can't have my phone on me at work, lol. I develope feelings too fast and if I try to stop it, I will just end up thinking about it 24/7.

Facts

[ko****]

lol I hate it I overthink so much

[Le****]

IN MEMORIUM- if your attempts at trying to communicate have ever lost you a chance at a strong connection because it was "too much" or "too intense" oŕ equivalent, use the like button below to lay a coin on this headstone

[Pu****]

I just read a trippy book or complex game after running 10 miles

[tb****]

I can't see new comments for some reason. My last post in this chat got me a point for being a bad boy and I'm not sure what I said wrong.

[fl****]

Adhd sucks

[fl****]

Born and raised with it

[Ry****]

Yesterday at 12:59 AM, Leechumley85 said:

So instead of that attitude, try...

Soon to be homeowner looking for live in partner and friend. I'm healthy, strong, and own the best suspenders this side of the rockies... no don't ask about the other side of the rockies. I'll say the wrong thing and I'll probably miss the point if I am distracted but I love a little direction and I'm always willing to listen to direct communication. Always down to learn something new and I'd love to learn how to communicate with YOU better so that we can see if we are a good fit! I don't mind a little push if you think it's necessary, but don't worry. Once this big rock starts rolling, it gets down the hill. Ill keep you warm in the winter and carry the beach umbrellas in the summer. Can't wait to experience something new together with you!

It offers a little comedy, removes the deceased family member (condolences) and explains that deep down you are a loveable lug who just wants a turn at the big wheel. It offers a semi date idea and puts the image of a fun time at the beach in their head.
It communicates gently, the desire to get a little assistance and patience in communication while letting them know you will be trying to get better. Saying I overthink and take too long to read or misread things sends the message that you don't know how to handle that problematic you don't want help for some reason. It smacks of desperation. U have to walk with your head held high, even if your the first to get rained on

I relate & sometimes I think my communication gets taken wrong. Especially in dating things when I try to communicate & fix things. At times in the past I would come off all over the place but that’s not there when I’m getting the same respect back I just try to understand.