Vanilla relationship crumbling, seeking validation

[Vandalslut]

4 hours ago, Fylgja93 said:

I love you for this, lol! Thank you, you're so right. I've been stuck in the wrong headspace for too long

It's scarily easy to get stuck in an erroneous belief, or headspace if you like, and can be ***y difficult to rid yourself of it.  Sometimes it's a belief we're brought up with, other times we've been manipulated into it as you've been by his reactions to your wish to discuss obvious problems. We start to believe that it 'must be me' especially when our sense of 'wrongness' is coming from someone we see as traditionally being 'in authority';  in this case,  a man who 'took over' and helped you when it was needed. He did the 'right thing' - it doesn't make him right all the time. Your instinct's been speaking up for quite some time - listen to it. It's our inbuilt security/safety mechanism, it's in our DNA, it's been there for millions of years and it will never let us down.

 

On 6/2/2020 at 12:22 PM, Fylgja93 said:

but I feel like an absolute ass for feeling like being kinky is justification for hurting someone like this, though I know my own happiness has to be worth something.

At present, he's hurting you and in effect, is sending the message that HIS happiness, satisfaction and peace of mind are worth more than yours and that your concerns for the future of you both is trivial, and something to be brushed aside. He provided stability when you needed it, and that doesn't mean you that you 'owe' him for the rest of your life and pay by squashing your own needs down. And...a thought comes to mind....if he is going to turn from this, hoping it goes away if he ignores it long enough - what else will he 'pretend isn't happening' in other areas of his life, and refuse to address? Finances? Health? Employment? Family issues? (and yes, we all have those from time to time) Have a think about it, and see if you have any memories of other possible 'confrontations' he may have turned away from. You may find anything from possibly refusing to return to a shop where he got short-changed to a friend who caused him a lot of hurt, but who he still smiles at and acts as if nothing's wrong, to taking the blame at work for something a colleague has done (and that colleague allows him to take the blame) to 'keeping the peace' in a family dispute by allowing unacceptable behaviour. (Been there, done that - it does not work...)

We're all wishing you well - not just in this case, but as you battle your way out of 'this is wrong and it must be me that's wrong' belief. Blessings and best.

Edited June 5, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

My longest relationship was one of those on again/off again kinds. It was a vanilla relationship that was unfulfilling (and at times, abusive and manipulative). I found myself sacrificing bits and pieces of who I was to satisfy someone who needed way more help than I could ever offer. I even tried- in vain- to share parts of this beautify kinky lifestyle that I thought would help our relationship.

Unfortunately, it did not end well. I divorced him, saving what was left of our family and myself.

It took a couple of years, meditation, reflection, and lots of research, before I felt remotely comfortable coming back to this lifestyle. I've had to make adjustments as a parent, and I have a lot trauma/triggers that Master and I repeatedly go over for my safety and our mutual pleasure & growth.

It's not perfect. I can't say where this new relationship is going. But I am much more at peace with who I am- all parts of me- and how I am being treated.

It's a big step. And not always clear. In my case, I refused to allow my ex to make me his doormat, to manipulate and scare me. I refused to let another person take what they wanted with no thought to my needs, physically and emotionally. And I absolutely refused to put my child through the same.

You are valued as a human being. You have needs that should always be considered and fulfilled to the best extent possible. You are worth the time and effort you put into the relationship, and at times more.

 

****

 

 

[Invisible71]

On 6/2/2020 at 8:49 PM, Justcurious said:

I'm on the same boat but I'm married, have a house and a kid 😞 difficult decision to make and I understand your struggle. If you need to talk, I'm here x

Yep, know that all to well.... 

It's reached the point that I don't even try to engage anything any more asgetting turned down or ignored etc has caused too much ***. 

[Invisible71]

On 6/2/2020 at 9:34 PM, Curvykate said:

just curious, I had a house and more than 1 kid. I still walked, and I don’t regret it for a second. It is possible to walk away.

I think for men walking can be difficult especially if they can't stand the thought of being just a weekend dad. 

[Deleted Member]

June 7, Invisible71 said:

I think for men walking can be difficult especially if they can't stand the thought of being just a weekend dad. 

It’s difficult for everyone. But I don’t think being in a toxic relationship is a good example for kids. I know several men who make 50-50 work, you don’t have to be a weekend dad.

[Invisible71]

On 10/29/2020 at 11:31 AM, Curvykate said:

It’s difficult for everyone. But I don’t think being in a toxic relationship is a good example for kids. I know several men who make 50-50 work, you don’t have to be a weekend dad.

A relationship is only truely toxic when it's both sides unhappy. 

When one side is lost in it, it is very possible for the outside world to think all is OK.