Managing different lifestyles in marriage

[ye****]

I’ve been wondering how others deal with being married to a partner that doesn’t share the same interests as you kink wise. I’m a very kinky person and also like to include ddlg into my lifestyle. My husband on the other hand is a bit more..vanilla? He’ll dive into a bit of bdsm but not much. We decided to open the marriage so I can get my fill of ddlg but it’s extremely hard when there’s so many boundaries and times where i’m just not free. I’ve found myself struggling with finding a balance as I find myself stuck in the same cycle of finding someone, laying down alllll these boundaries, and then they ghost me because its too much (understandably lol). All this to ask, has anyone gone through this? How did you overcome it? Unfortunately talking to my husband and getting him to like what i like has already been tried and that’s a complete dead end. And leaving is not an option. I need help! lol

[za****]

I guess it depends on what the boundaries are

[Deleted Member]

You need more communication on the subject. You didn't say, are 'all those boundaries ' related to what your husband says you can and cannot do? It reads that way so clarification is necessary to be able to provide feedback.

[lo****]

The real difficulty is definitely finding the balance. It’s a very different situation when you’re already partnered and trying to navigate making time for everyone - and everything you want to do. I wish I had some advice, but I am in a similar boat (very new to enm) and working out the best way forward. I wish you the best of luck!

[za****]

My last sub has a husband and it was tough

[ge****]

My ex wife’s consistent desire for vanilla BEAN, IN PART, destroyed our marriage. after she read 50 Shades she experimented a little… I converted our small pool house to a dungeon… it was used maybe 10 times…

Please don’t think I’m blaming her… I was 50% at fault!

[Ma****]

Google calendar w/ repeated reminders

[DarkArts1066]

This is a really difficult situation - isn’t it ?

One of the issues of being in a relationship where the kinks aren’t aligned, are all the potential boundaries that are put in place (which of course, you agree with - and to) but are often largely determined by your partner rather than yourself.
That can be off putting for any prospective playmate. The more we limit and refine our desires and needs, the harder it is to find someone to satisfy them.

It is also very different trying to encourage a partner to step outside of their comfort zone and try something new with you.
Some people just don’t have the capacity for that.

I have experienced this myself - with a now ex-wife, who in the end couldn’t get to grips with my needs, although I worked hard to satisfy hers.

Can I ask, when you approach someone new about what you are seeking, do you lay everything out on the line right from the get-go ?
Is it that which is too much for most people ?….
Too many conditions ?
Have you managed to ask any of the people who have ghosted you what it was that sent them scurrying into the dark corners ?
Being able to identify - exactly, what the issues are might free up a bit of slack in your problem ?

I hope you find a path through this.

[Ma****]

Also, finding others that are attached. Bec then the free time is balanced–and they arent looking to you, to fill their free time, bec they have other demands on their time.

With that—it necessarily requires you to say no to your husband & family obligations, from time to time. To cut out time for you and your thing. Maybe once a week, maybe once very two weeks, maybe once every month—but you will need to say "no" to those other time/attention requests, if you want to make it happen.

[Ma****]

As in all things communication is the key. That you and your husband decided to open your relationship up so that you can find someone to match your needs is a big step and a good thing, in my opinion.

To often people can't or won't accommodate others needs or wants especially if their need or want isn't being met. Being married is a big step for someone to get through to begin with then adding in restrictions such as availability and things of that nature it can be daunting.

Can you break the things you seek up to make it easier to match with others? Not trying to say you should have multiple partners but maybe decide what is most important for your needs and go for those. You mentioned DDlg so I am assuming that that is important so look just for that without any additional kink. Revisit with your husband and see if he will add some of the other parts you seek into your dynamic.

It's about juggling needs, wants and desires with restrictions and stuff.

I have often had to forgo things to get other things that were more important to me. I fully understand where you stand and know from personal experience how difficult it can be.

Just my 2 cents though. Mileage may vary. Good luck on your search.

[Deleted Member]

I had the same situation with my wife. She would indulge my proclivities until I brought a guy into our sex life. He was naked and he and my wife tied me up. His dick waved in my face and I whispered to my wife I wanted to suck it. That was it she kicked us both out and I was divorced a few months later. We had talked about our fantasies and I thought it would be all right. I think you might find your vanilla husband has a point to not cross. Good luck with your marriage.

[Iwantcreampie]

I’ve been married since ‘09. We’ve been together since ‘03. In total 22 years together. I’m very much into kink and she is vanilla. Oh yeah, I wanted to challenge you on another post where you put what’s your darkest kink or something and that you can top it? I don’t think you can beat mine lol. Back to the original topic. You’re into the lifestyle and he’s not. #1 be true to yourself- you have one life don’t sell yourself short, embrace your freakiness and be happy. #2 communication - let him know what’s on your mind and that you want to explore with him, if he’s not down hopefully he will be okay with accepting you and allowing you to fulfill your kinks and still be with you.

[ye****]

4 hours ago, long-beach545202 said:

The real difficulty is definitely finding the balance. It’s a very different situation when you’re already partnered and trying to navigate making time for everyone - and everything you want to do. I wish I had some advice, but I am in a similar boat (very new to enm) and working out the best way forward. I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you! I’m hoping I can find a nice balance soon and i hope the same for you!

[ye****]

3 hours ago, gentle-old-man said:

My ex wife’s consistent desire for vanilla BEAN, IN PART, destroyed our marriage. after she read 50 Shades she experimented a little… I converted our small pool house to a dungeon… it was used maybe 10 times…

Please don’t think I’m blaming her… I was 50% at fault!

Yes, i understand the ***! He wanted to be more into bdsm and we now have a full chest of different toys, rope etc that collects dust and some of the stuff hasn’t even been open. It sucks but it is what it is

[ye****]

3 hours ago, Marshal83 said:

Google calendar w/ repeated reminders

My issue isn’t necessarily blocking out time, it’s more about the things i’m restricted with in both the boundaries set and the dynamic being more than just sex and how hard that is to fit into my current life with a husband. Thank you for the suggestion though!

[ho****]

That a tough one

[Lu****]

Then you should seek out what you need and leave him at home.

[Ad****]

There are only 3 choices unfortunately.
1) you're happy with him and willing to sacrifice what you want.
2) he's happy with you and willing to sacrifice what he wants/boundaries
3) you're not feeling fulfilled, and are actually unhappy but don't want to admit it, and so it's time to leave.

In my personal opinion a relationship is about each other, AND also being individually happy. If someone feels like they're not happy with their circumstance/relationship, one must choose which they want more. Sacrifice their desires and be happy with a vanilla partner, or sacrifice a vanilla partner because they want more in life.

[ns****]

Unfortunately have to keep looking thr6the sea of assholes tell you actually find some one

[90****]

47 minutes ago, AdventureRyder said:

There are only 3 choices unfortunately.
1) you're happy with him and willing to sacrifice what you want.
2) he's happy with you and willing to sacrifice what he wants/boundaries
3) you're not feeling fulfilled, and are actually unhappy but don't want to admit it, and so it's time to leave.

In my personal opinion a relationship is about each other, AND also being individually happy. If someone feels like they're not happy with their circumstance/relationship, one must choose which they want more. Sacrifice their desires and be happy with a vanilla partner, or sacrifice a vanilla partner because they want more in life.

Nailed it with the very last sentence. It took me years to finally leave & sacrifice the vanilla partner. It has been HARD af and SO worth. And you feed that when you get to BE your authentic self in the bedroom. And then life shines.

[Mr****]

Your marriage is first and necessary. If you can't have both but can nibble and dabble here and there and keep your partner happy, then take that. At the end of the day, it's all about sustaining vs a few hours of pleasure ( if it's even that ).

[pa****]

I am basically in the same predicament. I know all of my options, they have been gone over a thousand times, I keep my kink in check by cyber sexing with people i know but it's hard i know this

[Vulkan69]

Could he not learn at least to Top you if he's not into it?

[Ru****]

My partner and I are literally going through this right now. We opened up to the idea of ENM so I can get my kink itch scratched and she can find those who also share her own passions. New territory for us but we have a strong relationship and we are keeping communication open between us.

[jS****]

Leave the marriage or honor the sanctity of it. Sounds like your husband acquiesced cuz he doesn’t wanna lose you, but I’d be surprised if most married folks are truly “ok” when their partner says they wanna f**k others. Being new in the lifestyle, I remember thinking “holy sh*t, tons of people live like this! We can too if I just explain it to her right!” -fact of the matter, whether anyone around here wants to admit it or not, is that a huge majority of people DO NOT live like this, nor can they make it work. I’ve known A LOT of couples that break into the “ENM” world as a precursor to a full-blown divorce, they just didn’t see it coming at the time. The overwhelming majority of those were from one person wanting to bang others and the partner just finally caving cuz they don’t wanna lose them. So the less agreeable one tries, without much gusto, to find another person to fuck, but they’re not really into it anyway, and so it just kinda falls flat…while the instigating partner is out banging four different people in the first month. Things get strained. There’s lots of fights. Eventually, the marriage just falls apart. I know it’ll be unpopular around here, but in my opinion and experience, there’s two choices: monogamy or be single. There’s nothing ethical about dishonoring the sanctity of marriage which you made your vows upon