A list of partner requirements?

[Hezzair]

I was on another site, and a woman was expressing frustration over not being able to find a partner because she hasn't been able to find any one who kind of met her list of requirements. Now some of them were not all that much like daily communication, making her a priority, not an option, etc, having a steady income, you get the point.

Others however, were much more detailed and specific to her tastes and the list was rather extensive imho.

Now, this user is, admittedly, Austistic and has ADHD,  and being on the neurodiverse spectrum myself, I appreciate the need to want to delineate my specific needs in a partner. I have a similar, but much short list on my profile. However, I also realize how off-putting this can be for a lot of people. 

Do you think something like this is useful for people, or just offensive?

 

[DeviantInside]

For me it’s absolutely fine, if I don’t meet the requirements I just think, ok fine, and move on. But more importantly… if it makes things better for you it doesn’t matter if it’s off-putting for some. The ones you are putting off aren’t the ones for you anyway.

[pe****]

I think it sets an expectation nobody can live up to . Id rather just talk and figure out if two people are good for each other

[ta****]

Having a list of requirements or expectations and limits is totally acceptable and fine.

I would add though, that sometimes having those requirements can alienate OP from potentially partners that could "grow into" the role of what she needs her partner to be. Maybe some people don't know everything about autism and the social/partner expectations and requires that come with being on the spectrum. Does that mean they can't learn? Of course not.

Having the list of requirements is fine. Having it too in-depth puts yourself, and others, in a box that is really hard to get out of.

In a lesser example, someone's page said they can't stand Disney adults. But they kept viewing me multiple times so I finally said you know I'm a Disney adult 🙄🙄... But now we're like really good friends! But if we had adhered to that list of expectations and requirements, we would've never become friends.

[Ha****]

I’d love a better way to describe location. State your current location and then if you’re willing to travel for a connection; if so, how far?
It’s exhausting working up the courage to send a message, get a reply, banter a little and then get a response “if only but you’re too far away”. And I don’t do pen pals.

[ey****]

I feel that.

Everyone should have partner requirements.   Mentally if nothing else. Which could include the non-negotionable deal breakers, and anything which is desirable to different degrees

A problem one - mind - men often see these like job interviews and are likely to apply if they match around 60% - this can be frustrating for the receiver cos someone who is already not suitable is pushing their luck

could potential good matches be put off? Maybe. But they can already see the criteria they don't meet.

It is possibly worth re-evaluating what is important, but also - rather than just  a list of demands/requirements - what does she offer? 

Men do also tend to try to push this as women being "too demanding", but men can be just as bad - i..e the whole wanting a Domme who is the finished product, or a sub that subscribes to their way of thinking, etc.  

Likewise, for anyone - regardless of sex or gender - to compromise too much on their wants to try to fit a potential partner can lead to situations they're not happy with anyway 

[po****]

Delivery, it's all in the delivery and "tone". I don't mind a wanted list but the tone matters. If I feel like your being condescending or aggressive in the wording of those requirements then I'll just move right along.

[Br****]

I’m ADHD/autistic myself and do things like this to push the wrong type of people away from me. Anyone that can’t handle it I figure I’m better off without. That might be what she’s doing?

[jo****]

I think a thorough profile can be good. Let's you know a little quicker what's being looked for and if you wanna message someone

[Deleted Member]

It would appear to me that you've already answered your own question in your last status update.

[Ge****]

Lists are good.
There's a local woman who lists her requirements specifically says no if you don't have this list.
I've got 90% but not a single tattoo to the requirements of "fully tatted" so i skipped her.
More frustrating is when someone says they want someone like me then puts a filter up.
But at least 1/4 of the profiles that sign up will be transferred to kaufmich.com in a month (is a partner of this site for escorts).

[JeepGuyGTA]

Not long ago, people were meeting in person, and starting an in person exploration journey. While not all interactions ended in partnership, still it was interesting and intriguing. Then came the internet, which should have made it a bit easier, but turn to be a list of requirements and demands and short patience, which decreased the excitement of exploration. There is no 100% match, you connect, talk, negotiate and adjust. I would rather see a well written bio about who the person is and what they want, with  few fundamental points, and let the exploration do the rest. I consider it as time invested, not as time wasted.

[ey****]

To be fair. People still are meeting in person and despite the rise of the internet for meeting people - folk still are more likely to meet serious/long-term partners elsewhere.  But then sometimes the internet can be a supplement to it.

One of the big isses - a couple of years ago it was reported how much debt both men and women were getting into going on dates - that it was deemed the best way to "get to know" someone but not always working.   But then of course a lot of the complications this bringing between people feeling they had to pay, or contribute, despite it being costly - or - feeling like they had to put out, or offer a follow-up date if the other person had taken on financial weight (which may have meant someone paying for, or towards, a second date they couldn't afford with someone who felt they had to offer it) 

It makes sense there's some pushback - that yes folk want to go on dates to "get to know" the other person - but there has to be at least basic evidence there's some form of compatiblity otherwise it is needless spending.    But then also, they can meet people and spend time getting to know people in other circles, from a kink perspective - munches or fetish events, or in wider general hobby groups so on.  But I guess if someone does have a profile and you read through a few bits, you can quickly learn if this is likely to be a non-starter

 

[gi****]

If it takes more than 10 seconds to read I lose interest and just move along. It's a potential date, not a job interview.

[BD****]

2 hours ago, giffordge said:

If it takes more than 10 seconds to read I lose interest and just move along. It's a potential date, not a job interview.

Personally I usually date women that are looking to men with more than 10 seconds attention lifespan. It’s about target, probably your target is different.

[gi****]

59 minutes ago, PwrX said:

Personally I usually date women that are looking to men with more than 10 seconds attention lifespan. It’s about target, probably your target is different.

I dont need a while book. A paragraph will suffice.

[BD****]

59 minutes ago, giffordge said:

I dont need a while book. A paragraph will suffice.

You didn’t get me. I meant that women who date me can not date you.

[kinkymasterandrew]

I love knowing what someone wants before I contact them. If people list things I have, they go to the top of the list; if I don't meet their criteria, I know not to bother them.

[la****]

It's just the way some people are internet works nowadays. There's a group of people that will list every mental illness and pronoun like the opening crawl to Star wars. They're looking to find somebody that's compatible. They're not looking for a relationship that is successful. They're 100% driven/control off their feelings and to manipulate you and play a victim you justify their behavior.

[my****]

The more information I get in a profile the faster I can determine if I’m interested. If I see three red flags, I don’t waste our time.

[Vulkan69]

I think apart from age/location/gender/roles - a lot of it is dependant on things like type of relationship, dynamic. For some some kinks are mandatory to a fulfilling relationship for others they are optional spice, other kinks are 'maybe' others are hard limits. Only by talking about stuff will people find out as this site only shows 'interested' and 'hard limits' without much delimitation. 

For your friend they need to figure out what stuff is important what stuff is 'nice to have' so to speak. The most important thing is the whole 'vibes' thing - do you get on with them generally, do you trust them to have your safety and wellbeing at heart etc. 

[Salacious67]

I think we have to understand that not everyone is perfect and to find someone who will tick every criteria such as height, weight, looks, body style, lifestyle and all our specific kinks..and so on and so on is a difficult task. Not saying that we shouldn’t find common ground and be aware of red flags, but sometimes is about connection and understanding we are all different. We may not all agree to the same kinks and agreed boundaries should be respected. However if we stay rigid on some requirements we may be missing out on what could be a potentially great relationship…it’s a bit like buying a house you may never find your perfect house unless you’re mega rich and can build one to your own specifications, but sometimes that little two up and two down can hold the happiness years of your life…so sometimes we have to look pass perfection to understand non of us are perfect to accept happiness as connection is what important.

[pe****]

Well said thank you!!