A question re play

[Se****]

This question is, I guess, a double edged sword. I’m interested to hear from a variety of people please.

As a Dom/top have you tried/experienced all of the things you “expect” to do with/to your sub/bottom? Do you know what the experiences feel like, do you understand the ***, have you taken the butt plug…?

Subs/bottoms do you have an expectation that your Dom/top not only knows what they’re doing (or has taken time to learn and gain knowledge) but that they’ve experienced what they want to do to/with you? Does it make someone more attractive to you if they’ve taken time to see/feel/experience things from your side? It does it make no difference?

Love,

X

[In****]

Well me being a top DOM first of all being in this lifestyle BDSM you gotta figure out what’s right for you now I knew immediately being a DOM was right for me and experiencing things that I want to experience and explore I pick to experience and explore with the bottom sub every sub is not gonna want or like everything that’s what we have limit limits we pick and choose what we want to experience and explore and having a dynamic between DOM and sub trust and safety is always foremost and respect. You have to respect each other’s limits and boundaries. So every server is not gonna like everything just like me as a DOM I’m not gonna like everything, you pick and choose what you wanna explore and experiment and there’s always room for improvement because later on you can come back and figure out if you do like what you don’t like just some things you’re not automatically not gonna like at all

[Pr****]

I think this is such a great question. I’ve been pondering something similar for the last few weeks.
I need a Dom to take the time to know me, see me, hear me, which in turns makes me feel safe and willing to open up more. I’m not sure if they need to experience everything but be willing to listen and have an open mind, and once in a while allow me to be on top. 😊
There is nothing sexier than a man who envelope me, dominate me and make me feel safe all at the same time.
I had it once and cannot seem to find it.

[Deleted Member]

In Germany we say that the proof of the pudding is in the eating - that's the best way to know what suits you and what doesn't.
Communication is very important and it's also important to state the boundaries you know at the time and to respect the boundaries of others.
However, you still have an ouffer regarding your preferences. You can try new things. For example, read what users have to say or what you like. Maybe you will discover something new

[Se****]

Commenting so I can come back later to read more informative comments from people who are very experienced in bdsm.

[ey****]

Generally - I find the whole concept of "to be a Dominant you must've first been a sub" or "you must try everything you wish to use" - etc - to, on the main - be bullshit.

I say that as a switch.

Also consider... I have played with a lot of people to different degrees - including some amazing people who have (shall we say) 'tried both' and those who haven't.  I've also been with those who maybe.... have flaws... some of whom have 'tried both' and some of which haven't.

 

The problem.  

Kink is not a one size scenario.  Everyone who enjoys 'activity a' doesn't necessarily enjoy it for the same reason.  Something that people who have 'tried both' sometimes fall foul of is assuming their subs have the same experiences they do/did.  This can include assumptions on aftercare.

Feeling every implement in the playroom might tell you what every physically feels like - but - doesn't help the mindset of... does the person like using certain things because it arouses them? Do they like the idea of 'doing it for their Dominant?' do they simply think they have to? 

To be honest, it's more important the person yielding learns how to mitigate risk. That on long term relationships they get into the psyche of what the other person enjoys.  That they learn what they enjoy as a Top/Dominant and so not just repeating a cycle of what they enjoyed as a sub.

 

I mean, besides... if a Dominant has to have something done to them first before they can do it to other - there'd be a shortage of Dommes versed in CBT and a shortage of Male Dominants versed in cuntbusting. 

[Se****]

2 hours ago, InTerNationalDOM70 said:

Well me being a top DOM first of all being in this lifestyle BDSM you gotta figure out what’s right for you now I knew immediately being a DOM was right for me and experiencing things that I want to experience and explore I pick to experience and explore with the bottom sub every sub is not gonna want or like everything that’s what we have limit limits we pick and choose what we want to experience and explore and having a dynamic between DOM and sub trust and safety is always foremost and respect. You have to respect each other’s limits and boundaries. So every server is not gonna like everything just like me as a DOM I’m not gonna like everything, you pick and choose what you wanna explore and experiment and there’s always room for improvement because later on you can come back and figure out if you do like what you don’t like just some things you’re not automatically not gonna like at all

Thanks for the reply.

Did you read my post???? Because this doesn’t address any of the things I was questioning?

[Th****]

Most of the responses other than @fiend_13  and @eyemblacksheep  aren't actually addressing your specific questions much.

I started to respond with discussing the differences and separation of Dom/top and sub/bottom but I realized I was starting to really veer off the original topic posed by your OP and it should be a separate discussion for a separate post.* 

To me your questions, as posed, seem to mostly apply to Top/bottom things... specific actions and activities like bondage/rope, impact, breath play, etc. 

It's important for everyone to educate themselves on things from both the top/bottom perspective, even if they might not actually experience it from one perspective or the other. Being well and properly informed, is how you determine risks, whether or not the risks are within your risk profile, and mitigating against causing harm or being harmed as much as possible. Part of that is knowing enough to determine if a partner or potential partner has done their part to educate themselves or if what they say/believe is accurate. 

It's also important to learn about D/s dynamics *before* entering into one. Otherwise you're likely to have unrealistic expectations or worse, be *** to unhealthy or abusive situations. 

 

*I plan to make a post about this soon, since I've made a decent start with my original comment. 

Edited July 13 by ThaliaV

[Ar****]

3 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

As a Dom/top have you tried/experienced all of the things you “expect” to do with/to your sub/bottom? Do you know what the experiences feel like, do you understand the ***, have you taken the butt plug...?

All? No. Most? Yes.

 

I feel it's important for the understanding, as you mention. It helps with empathy, it enables me to have a baseline to gauge the effect something is going to have on a partner so I can select the appropriate tool/activity whether it be for what I want them to feel at a given time or for what they seek to feel, and I also think there is an element of morality to be raised - obviously the matter is deeper and more nuanced than this, but on a basic level if someone is not prepared to experience something for themselves it seems slightly off for them to claim or expect the right to do that to another human.

[Se****]

14 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

All? No. Most? Yes.

 

I feel it's important for the understanding, as you mention. It helps with empathy, it enables me to have a baseline to gauge the effect something is going to have on a partner so I can select the appropriate tool/activity whether it be for what I want them to feel at a given time or for what they seek to feel, and I also think there is an element of morality to be raised - obviously the matter is deeper and more nuanced than this, but on a basic level if someone is not prepared to experience something for themselves it seems slightly off for them to claim or expect the right to do that to another human.

Thank you. This is kind of what I was getting at and I appreciate your well thought out response x

[Qu****]

An afab individual will never know how it feels to experience cbt. Does that mean an afab individual can't be good at cbt? The question is preposterous, it doesn't require experience on the other side of the slash. It requires empathy, it requires being able to read the bottom's emotional state, and it requires deep observation of how the body is reacting. When I do violet wand play, every person will react differently with the same attachment. It is my job to observe and find the experience that is best for both the bottom & top.

[Se****]

16 minutes ago, Quixote_69 said:

An afab individual will never know how it feels to experience cbt. Does that mean an afab individual can't be good at cbt? The question is preposterous, it doesn't require experience on the other side of the slash. It requires empathy, it requires being able to read the bottom's emotional state, and it requires deep observation of how the body is reacting. When I do violet wand play, every person will react differently with the same attachment. It is my job to observe and find the experience that is best for both the bottom & top.

The question was a question looking for thoughts and opinions. Your thoughts and opinions are seen and heard - as is your unnecessary rude comment. Thank you. 

[Qu****]

16 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

The question was a question looking for thoughts and opinions. Your thoughts and opinions are seen and heard - as is your unnecessary rude comment. Thank you. 

I wasn't being rude, I was being blunt. See back in the days of the old guard this was the mentality. We've evolved beyond that, beyond the thinking that a sub/slave was property of the club, and where SA was the price of admittance to the world of bdsm. By keeping these myths alive we also keep the spirit of the old guard alive.

[Se****]

6 minutes ago, Quixote_69 said:

I wasn't being rude, I was being blunt. See back in the days of the old guard this was the mentality. We've evolved beyond that, beyond the thinking that a sub/slave was property of the club, and where SA was the price of admittance to the world of bdsm. By keeping these myths alive we also keep the spirit of the old guard alive.

I have zero idea what you are talking about. That said, if I’ve misinterpreted you thank you for clarifying. 

[Th****]

25 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

I have zero idea what you are talking about. That said, if I’ve misinterpreted you thank you for clarifying. 

You didn't misinterpret, he did. 

[Do****]

Personally I haven’t experienced the things I do to the sub as firstly I wouldn’t like them at all and secondly I would need to get someone to do them to me. Thirdly some cannot be done to a female body. But I do read up and research a lot before hand.
I like to understand why the sub wants it, what attracts them to it, what they want to experience / which buttons they want it to push. I watch videos of others doing it and see if there’s any forum chat in here of subs talking about it. A lot comes from talking to the actual sub. If they want to try something and they say what attracts them to it, and we explore it in discussion, then I know what I need it to be for them. Then I learn how others use it and there are lots of websites which give advice and guidance on pros and cons of different things. There’s a lot out there if you look properly.
I completely think a Domme should be in the know. Could you relax if someone was doing breath play, or sounding, or wrapping you from head to toe, and you didn’t feel 100% safe with them? The sub needs to be able to completely relax and let go with the experience, without having to worry if the Domme will do harm or push them too far or make mistakes.
I think we have a duty to find out what we are doing before we do it.

[Th****]

33 minutes ago, Quixote_69 said:

I wasn't being rude, I was being blunt. See back in the days of the old guard this was the mentality. We've evolved beyond that, beyond the thinking that a sub/slave was property of the club, and where SA was the price of admittance to the world of bdsm. By keeping these myths alive we also keep the spirit of the old guard alive.

You were. Saying the question asked is "preposterous" is rude and unnecessary as it's completely reasonable question. She was only asking generally, how do people feel about bottoming for some of the same things you want to top for? 

Why or how you made the leap to "old guard" nonsense, is what's in the realm of absurdity. 

[Do****]

1 hour ago, Quixote_69 said:

An afab individual will never know how it feels to experience cbt. Does that mean an afab individual can't be good at cbt? The question is preposterous, it doesn't require experience on the other side of the slash. It requires empathy, it requires being able to read the bottom's emotional state, and it requires deep observation of how the body is reacting. When I do violet wand play, every person will react differently with the same attachment. It is my job to observe and find the experience that is best for both the bottom & top.

This! Empathy is far more important than having experienced it personally. Reading how the sub is experiencing it against what they wanted to experience…… plus someone else mentioned about every sub responds differently and they all get different things out of the same activities - different motivations to wanting them. Knowing the sub is as important as knowing how to do the activity safely and with the best results for the person experiencing it. I also concur with the idea of having done it yourself bringing an assumption others might experience it the same. Again empathy is way more important than first hand experience in my experience / opinion.

[Th****]

Empathy is obviously vital.

Seperate from the differences in how one person feels about something from the next person, experiencing things from both directions has value from a technical aspect if nothing else. Knowing what different implements feel like at different intensity is useful, regardless of if you enjoy it or not. More knowledge and information is always useful. 

Edited July 13 by ThaliaV

[Se****]

1 hour ago, ThaliaV said:

You didn't misinterpret, he did. 

I know. But you know me 😘

[ge****]

As a recently uncovered switch, I have indeed experienced many of the things I now employ when in dominant mode - but I don't think it's vital that I have done - likewise there are some things which due to gender I can't possibly experience - then there's the point others have made about just because something feels a specific way to me, it may not feel the same for another.
.
The key here is knowledge and understanding of what you are doing, coupled with a level of knowing a submissive well enough to be able to read them - whether you've experienced it or not is irrelevant in my view.
.
That said I'm not saying it's not helpful to have experienced something, BUT it's not essential so long as you have the relevant knowledge, understanding and awareness.

[Pe****]

It matters to a degree. Knowing your position is understood by your partner goes a long way in forming the trust that makes relationships feel so special.
.
For the mental side, that doesn't mean a dominant has to actually submit or that a submissive has to be in charge but a conversation where you both share how your part in the relationship makes you feel is always a good idea.
.
The physical side, to me, seems more like a dominant only issue. As a top, I've bottomed for a wide variety of play. Bondage, impact, penetration, fire, electricity, etc. I don't necessarily expect to use them, but knowing what sensation accompanies each form of play you offer is important.
That said, each person is unique in the degree and duration which they enjoy and/or are willing to accept, so you can't use your own levels as a standard.

[DarkArts1066]

As always from you, an interesting and well thought out question - and topic.

‘Expectation’.

I never ‘expect’ to be able to experience the things I wish to with any submissive.

Every sub I have ever met has been different, with different ideas about what being a true submissive is, and where their soft and hard limits lie….
So I don’t believe it is possible to start a D/s relationship with a full set of requirements -especially if -as a Dominant, you have complex and varied interests.
I have never found the ‘one size fits all’ submissive, and I don’t ever expect to.

I prefer to think of a D/s arrangement as an exploration of desires and interests,

Trust - as always, plays a key part here.

It is possible to, and I have suggested at times, explore ideas and practices which I know will test my submissive. Will stretch and perhaps bend their perception of where her limits lie, but I won’t ever break them.

Without that trust, it simply isn’t possible.
And trust takes time -and regular contact to build, -we all know that.

I have experienced most of the practices which I enjoy doing to others, yes.

I think it is important to fully understand what one is asking of another person.
To understand what they are feeling, both physically and emotionally.

I am naturally drawn to adventurous people.
Perhaps that is because I am adventurous myself, and there are a wide range of kinks and fetishes which interest me (as you well know.)

I have, in the past worked with more than one submissive at a time.
This is not uncommon. Many subs find that difficult, preferring all of a Dom’s attention -but is that truly practical ?

I believe in many ‘partnerships’ it is.

I have not found that though… thus far.

There is a fine line between ‘exploration’, and ‘forcing one’s fetishes upon another, under the guise of a D/s relationship.

I have witnessed that at times.
A submissive, under the control and direction of a Dom, clearly not enjoying what is happening to her, but perhaps feeling that she ‘needs’ to comply with his wishes, in order to have his complete attention.
It’s not pretty when that happens.
In fact, it’s disgusting watching someone ***d in that way.

I don’t explore a particular fetish or practice with someone, without fully understanding the physical - and psychological impact that it may have on them.
And I believe it is my responsibility to manage that.

That’s my personal perspective.

[ey****]

As a different spin on what I said earlier.

Folk in general learn in different ways.  If someone feels that being on the receiving end of some activities would help them learn, that's totally valid.   However, of course, remembering the limitations to that method as well as possible benefits.   Like, if this was wholly true then the 'best' Dominants would actually be submissives.

But, like. If you are blindfolded, cuffed, over a bench - and someone is beating you.  Then sure you know what that feels like, but you're not going to really learn how they are reading you (if they even are) or what they're getting out of it (if anything) - and some subs in that position, it hurts - but they enjoy that - so want to be pushed far.  Some subs in that position, it hurts, but they want to go through it for their Dominant and feel like stopping early is letting their Dominant down.  Some subs in that position it hurts, and they want it to stop.

And on the latter, you'd think "well, safeword - duh" but you then have to understand why they're not using the safeword and this is something you yourself might not understand from that process.  Especially if you're only doing it to "see what it's like"