So what qualifies you as a dominant?

[DeviantInside]

I am curious… I have seen so many people that have read 50 shades of beige or watched the secretary and think it’s an easy way to bully, manipulate or excuse abusive behaviour… or thinking they can find an easy lay.

So what makes you think you can be a dominant?

I can only answer for myself. There is a natural element of who I am. It’s not a role for me just an aspect of who I am. I don’t need to shout or brag, you can ignore me entirely if you want to… so… self confidence?

I like to learn. I want to know how to do things safely (not properly as that’s subjective, but safely). I want to know how to not feck everything up. And if anyone tries to tell you they have never screwed things? For me that’s a red flag. Either they haven’t tried much or are covering something up (imo).

I like to think that I can recognise everyone is different. And just because my last sub/slave/slut/whatever could take/enjoyed x,y, or z the next person will be completely different.

I liked to think I am open to seeing what works (kinda tied into the previous).

However… those are some of the things I think make me a “good” Dom. And I am very biassed on that.

So… in your opinion, what makes a good Dom for you?

[DeviantInside]

Also there are many other things… communication, aftercare, sense of humour, having a personality and interests out of kink… again… in my opinion. But what is your opinion?

[Pe****]

I'm not sure I'd say there's such a thing as a good or bad Dom(me). The main point, in my opinion, is the differences between domming and dominating. I see those as coming down to respect and care. If you have true respect and care for somebody, then it's nearly impossible not to have domination become domming. You'll automatically feel the desire for all the things that people associate with being a good Dom(me).
.
For example, if a Dom(me) wants to have control over a sub, they'll want to communicate so they can provide a good experience for their sub. Merely dominating somebody only requires you to do what you want. Domming is about sharing the experience.
.
As such, there's no such thing as a "bad" Dom(me), just posers seeking to dominate others. A "good" Dom(me) is just one who is a good match for their sub. People are a variety of desires and styles. What one person dislikes is usually what another person craves. Just my opinion, of course.

[DeviantInside]

2 minutes ago, Pet_Mimic said:

I'm not sure I'd say there's such a thing as a good or bad Dom(me). The main point, in my opinion, is the differences between domming and dominating. I see those as coming down to respect and care. If you have true respect and care for somebody, then it's nearly impossible not to have domination become domming. You'll automatically feel the desire for all the things that people associate with being a good Dom(me).
.
For example, if a Dom(me) wants to have control over a sub, they'll want to communicate so they can provide a good experience for their sub. Merely dominating somebody only requires you to do what you want. Domming is about sharing the experience.
.
As such, there's no such thing as a "bad" Dom(me), just posers seeking to dominate others. A "good" Dom(me) is just one who is a good match for their sub. People are a variety of desires and styles. What one person dislikes is usually what another person craves. Just my opinion, of course.

I agree with a lot of this… I have often said being dominant isn’t about making someone submit… it’s about making someone WANT to submit… by being someone they want to submit to.

[Mike_22]

I’ve seen nothing but trust here. Unfortunately on here and probably on other apps there are a lot of posers who give us Dom’s a bad name. Every Dom and Sub is different so their dynamic will be different but the main thing is that you both take care of each other and look out for each other and practise safely

[DeviantInside]

13 minutes ago, Mike_22 said:

I’ve seen nothing but trust here. Unfortunately on here and probably on other apps there are a lot of posers who give us Dom’s a bad name. Every Dom and Sub is different so their dynamic will be different but the main thing is that you both take care of each other and look out for each other and practise safely

I definitely agree that trust is so important. In any relationship, but especially in kink where there is a greater potential for harm (physical and emotional). It opens up the potential for severe scarring (physical and mental). So yes, trust is essential… and you have to show you are worthy of that trust.

[ge****]

As someone who, until 8 months ago, was a dyed in the wool submissive who would have laughed at you if you'd have suggested I could be a dominant (and still am and do to an extent) - this is something I ask myself regularly.
.
However 8 months ago, I met someone at a Munch, we got on well, chatted for ages on-line and at no point did the subject of me domming her come up - in fact she regularly asserted she wasn't submissive but simply a masochist who liked *** - anyway, one November evening we'd been to the cinema and ended up back at hers, one thing led to another and we had what I shall call a "coming together" - it was only the day after that I was processing it that I came to realise I had taken on a dominant role, completely naturally and instinctively.
.
We discussed it, and she agreed that I had indeed been dominant, and that it had been good and things have developed from there - again totally naturally and instinctively to the point she considers me her dominant and she readily accepts she's a submissive.
.
Am I good? Not for me to say, but she thinks so. Do I do anything consciously to make me a good dominant for her? Mostly no, it's natural and instinctive, with a good dose of trust and respect thrown in - of course there are things I have had to learn in that time, and continue to learn.
.
Could I be dominant for another? I'm not sure if I'm honest, it's a very unique meeting of minds that just works.
.
I do however wonder regularly at the drive behind it and why it works so well, and do wonder if actually it's my submissive side and its desire to please that is behind it along with the fact I am not "trying" to be dominant worh her, I just am.
.
My submissive side is still there, and very strong, and she encourages me to explore it - because though I now call myself a switch, the dominant (pun completely intended) part of me is my submissive side.

[DeviantInside]

19 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

As someone who, until 8 months ago, was a dyed in the wool submissive who would have laughed at you if you'd have suggested I could be a dominant (and still am and do to an extent) - this is something I ask myself regularly.
.
However 8 months ago, I met someone at a Munch, we got on well, chatted for ages on-line and at no point did the subject of me domming her come up - in fact she regularly asserted she wasn't submissive but simply a masochist who liked *** - anyway, one November evening we'd been to the cinema and ended up back at hers, one thing led to another and we had what I shall call a "coming together" - it was only the day after that I was processing it that I came to realise I had taken on a dominant role, completely naturally and instinctively.
.
We discussed it, and she agreed that I had indeed been dominant, and that it had been good and things have developed from there - again totally naturally and instinctively to the point she considers me her dominant and she readily accepts she's a submissive.
.
Am I good? Not for me to say, but she thinks so. Do I do anything consciously to make me a good dominant for her? Mostly no, it's natural and instinctive, with a good dose of trust and respect thrown in - of course there are things I have had to learn in that time, and continue to learn.
.
Could I be dominant for another? I'm not sure if I'm honest, it's a very unique meeting of minds that just works.
.
I do however wonder regularly at the drive behind it and why it works so well, and do wonder if actually it's my submissive side and its desire to please that is behind it along with the fact I am not "trying" to be dominant worh her, I just am.
.
My submissive side is still there, and very strong, and she encourages me to explore it - because though I now call myself a switch, the dominant (pun completely intended) part of me is my submissive side.

This… it’s very subjective. I could be a fantastic Dom for one person and completely awful for another. I could be alll the check box lists of a good Dom but if the connection isn’t there… then it’s just waving ***t brushes in the air without a canvas.

[ge****]

12 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

This… it’s very subjective. I could be a fantastic Dom for one person and completely awful for another. I could be alll the check box lists of a good Dom but if the connection isn’t there… then it’s just waving ***t brushes in the air without a canvas.

Exactly that, it's totally subjective and down to compatibility - something that many on both sides of the slash miss, and try and fit square pegs in round holes as a result - then wonder why things don't work out.

[DeviantInside]

18 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Exactly that, it's totally subjective and down to compatibility - something that many on both sides of the slash miss, and try and fit square pegs in round holes as a result - then wonder why things don't work out.

Agree 100%. Even if you share kinks with this person and the last (or a previous) person, it will be entirely different this time around. This is why I personally look for more long term things. (That’s not to denigrate those that seek short term things, it works for a lot of people but not for me)

[DeviantInside]

Also… I wrote this at 4am so was just writing from my perspective… I meant Dom or Domme… I didn’t mean it to not be inclusive.

[Deleted Member]

I just saw and read all of this. Excellent post. I need to stop saying improperly. I liked the distinction between doing things safely and the subjective understanding of doing things "properly." It's a nuance. As sometimes I am sure... I am being judged as being judgemental. Which flys in the face of kink. I want people to have fun but educate themselves in safety. Too much frenzy. Can blind people to the dangers. Be well have a great day.

[DeviantInside]

1 hour ago, SilverSorcerer said:

I just saw and read all of this. Excellent post. I need to stop saying improperly. I liked the distinction between doing things safely and the subjective understanding of doing things "properly." It's a nuance. As sometimes I am sure... I am being judged as being judgemental. Which flys in the face of kink. I want people to have fun but educate themselves in safety. Too much frenzy. Can blind people to the dangers. Be well have a great day.

Yes… although by nature there is an element on the unsafe inherent with a lot of kink… so maybe I should have said within accepted safety parameters.

[Deleted Member]

I can't figure how to reply lol. Valid point also. I understood what you meant. But clarification is always good.

[Ma****]

There is no definitive qualification for a dominant. A dominant could be many things..such as strict when you need to be, having self control, understanding yourself, your thoughts and feelings being able to communicate those thoughts and feelings effectively. Being able to have a clear vision, knowing what you want for you and your submissive. Respectful and caring. Wanting the best for your submissive and pushing them to reach their fullest potential in and outside of kink. Being kind and patient. All of those are good traits of a dominant, but there it is not as simple as what does qualify you as a Dominant and what doesn't.

[Th****]

2 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

Also… I wrote this at 4am so was just writing from my perspective… I meant Dom or Domme… I didn’t mean it to not be inclusive.

@Pet_Mimic Dom/Dominant is inclusive as it's neutral and can be applied to someone of any gender. Domme is specific and othering, there are a lot of Dominant women, myself included, who'd like the separation to end. 

[Th****]

6 hours ago, Pet_Mimic said:

I'm not sure I'd say there's such a thing as a good or bad Dom(me). The main point, in my opinion, is the differences between domming and dominating. I see those as coming down to respect and care. If you have true respect and care for somebody, then it's nearly impossible not to have domination become domming. You'll automatically feel the desire for all the things that people associate with being a good Dom(me).
.
For example, if a Dom(me) wants to have control over a sub, they'll want to communicate so they can provide a good experience for their sub. Merely dominating somebody only requires you to do what you want. Domming is about sharing the experience.
.
As such, there's no such thing as a "bad" Dom(me), just posers seeking to dominate others. A "good" Dom(me) is just one who is a good match for their sub. People are a variety of desires and styles. What one person dislikes is usually what another person craves. Just my opinion, of course.

When/where did "domming" become a thing I wonder, instead of saying topping or being a top. BDSM isn't all or nothing, D/s isn't inherently part of all aspects anymore than sex is. To tie in the recent post about "when did vanilla become a four letter word" sadomasochism and other elements of BDSM without D/s is an acceptable option. It's not less than, just different. The idea that everyone must be either Dominant or submissive or every activity means that one person is "dominating" and the other "submitting" removes clarity and can lead to frustration in communicating what you're wanting or looking for.   

7 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

I have often said being dominant isn’t about making someone submit… it’s about making someone WANT to submit… by being someone they want to submit to

I completely agree and know many others who do as well.  Being a Dominant is a responsibility. At it's core, D/s is intentional imbalance of power, that's it. Beyond that, what it looks like is nearly infinite, depending on the individuals involved. 

I won't say that there's never a place for "making" someone submit, some people might be into that I guess. I personally have no interest and can't offhand think of anyone I know who is outside of a play scenario. I think it should be a negotiated opt in, rather than something viewed as the default. 

 

[Th****]

1 hour ago, SilverSorcerer said:

I can't figure how to reply lol. Valid point also. I understood what you meant. But clarification is always good.

You hit the purple + square that says "quote" at the bottom of the comment box. 

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

You hit the purple + square that says "quote" at the bottom of the comment box. 

Thank you lol it was right there saying quote 🤦‍♂️... now I see it. Have a great day.

[Th****]

@SilverSorcerer you can also @name then click the user when it pops up to reply like this 👆

Or... If you only want to select a portion of a comment to speak on it specifically instead of the whole thing, highlight it, and a box should pop up that says "quote selection" then tap it. It can sometimes be finicky getting it to appear. 

Edited July 17, 2025 by ThaliaV

[He****]

A true Dom understands that, above anything else, the role is a serious responsibility where the onus falls largely on him. He recognizes that communication is critical but can be complicated and nuanced, and as such, a high degree of emotional intelligence is required. I wish there was a certification that was required before you could self-title as a Dom. This would save time and be effective i. supporting consent/safety protocols. Real Doms would do this without question while all of the BDSM tourists and posers would just fuck off like they should have done in the first place.

[Fi****]

5 hours ago, HelenAtl said:

A true Dom understands that, above anything else, the role is a serious responsibility where the onus falls largely on him. He recognizes that communication is critical but can be complicated and nuanced, and as such, a high degree of emotional intelligence is required. I wish there was a certification that was required before you could self-title as a Dom. This would save time and be effective i. supporting consent/safety protocols. Real Doms would do this without question while all of the BDSM tourists and posers would just fuck off like they should have done in the first place.

💯

[pw****]

It's like vanity license plates. If you have to shout to the world "I'm this..", then it's what you want to be rather than what you are. I've been naturally dominant in all aspects of my life for as long as I remember. So I don't proclaim that I'm a Dom. So many just want to cosplay this and maybe that's okay. Different strokes and all.

[Mike_22]

I’ve skimmed through this post as when I posted my comment I didn’t expect such feedback so I will inject more of my perspective and hopefully it’s helpful. I also find it instinctive. Whatever dynamic I’m in I’m flexible as a Dominant which is funny as my personality is also flexible 😂

Whether my soft dom/primal side is in the Daddy Dom or Master role it feels instinctive when I’m with a partner 🙂 as others said it’s different from everyone we are all different we can’t expect being dominant to be defined. Just like sexuality it evolves and grows with us as human beings so we can’t expect something like being a Dominant or Submissive to be defined by just words alone.

Apologies for the rant, hopefully I made sense to some people…

[Deleted Member]

I think if you think about it. The word dynamic means constant change, activity, and progress. What is enjoyed one day might become a limit the next. Just as consent can be revoked at any point. So you as a Dom/me or however you define yourself as has to be willing to evolve with your sub/s. Ever learning and evolving.