Question for all the subs/liitles out there!

[Ko****]

Those with experience, do you find it better to vet a Dom, or do you prefer to take the Doms lead when looking?

Personal experience I've learned more about myself as a Dom when a sub would TELL me no do it this way, or make sure you treat me like this.

In hindsight, she was the Dom leading me around, but she wasn't. She was a sub grooming her Dom, how she wanted him.
Now, that can be seen as you're teaching and giving your ***r the keys to control you, but for me personally, it makes sense.

As an inexperienced Dom I believe this way is better because a Doms role is to take care of their sub, so what better way than to have them show you how they like to be taken care of.
Or should a sub mold themselves to their Dom? Dom takes the lead and tells the sub what and how they want?

So am I wrong to think that a sub should take the lead on how they want to be told before they do what their Dom wants, or is it not something attractive to you because a subs nature isn't to tell anyone anything? Plus, the added risk of telling someone dangerous how to manipulate you. How do you as a sub vet safely?

[Fluffybunnybabe]

It should always be a patient journey as both parties discover how they mesh well together. A good kinky relationship should always involve talking about likes, dislikes, curiosities and hard limits. If those things are unknown then exploring them together is great. And then of course understanding that the dom has power but the sub should be recognized as having control because the consent of the scene ultimately lies with them(outside of the fact enthusiastic consent is required from all parties involved in or witnessing the scene). They can give the power and take away the power in a single moment.

[st****]

Always start with a wants/nots conversation. Consent is the top priority. Unless they consent to the opposite.

[vi****]

As an experienced sub, you’ve got it completely right. A sub who doesn’t/can’t communicate what they do and do not what is dangerous to both of you. Submission and domination is a conversation. Submission is about feeling safe enough to give control AND safe enough to speak up.
.
As important as it is for a sub to vet our dom/mes, it’s equally important to vet your subs. Stay away from subs with “no limits” or even “just the obvious ones.” Ask how they check in during a scene and how they want you to check in. Find out words they want to hear and words that make them uncomfortable. Ask about aftercare (for both of you).
.
If they can’t answer any of these, they are not ready and they are not safe

[Ma****]

You're not using the correct words and that can lead to confusion.

You're describing establishing a dynamic and play style within a relationship. Ultimately, it's a cooperative effort, and the way it works will be unique to each relationship. However, that is not vetting.

Vetting is the process of carefully exploring whether someone is suitable for whatever purpose, in this case to be a partner for BDS.. This is usually done via many, many conversations - such discussions about experience levels, boundaries, expectations, etc. Sometimes, even speaking to previous partners or a person's friends is part of the vetting process, like a background check. I strongly feel that both the D-type and the s-type should vet the other.

The responsibility for safety is equally important for each person. This includes learning how things are done in a safer manner is not just the responsibility of the D-type, because how else would an s-type be able to recognize someone doing something in a potentially unsafe manner if they don't educate themselves?

Also, your use of some words, such as "grooming" and "manipulate", is concerning when used in this context. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt that it's due to a misunderstanding and/or misuse of those words

[Ca****]

I'd prefer to be approached initially and then begin lots of conversations to see if it's a good fit worth exploring further.

[Ro****]

During my experience as a submissive for the last decade with varying degrees of expdynamics. Or inexperienced doms, it has always been both ways and a give and take on building the dynamic. I enjoy a dom that leads but I've also learned they are better if the sub can also have input and feel safe doing so.
There has been the unfortunate experience that when I offered my input for safety reasons, I was told to stop back talking. Needless to say, that ended right there. If I can not offer input, especially for safety reasons, then how would I feel safe in a *** situation.

[li****]

I do both.
I dont have a lot of experience yet but I read a LOT and have had a yrs worth of conversations in a short time.
So I feel like I have a good starting point for doing my own vetting up to a point
If for any reason i cant quite decide I have several contacts I can run our conversations by for an extra level of checking.
Beyond that, for me, part of being a sub - is not having to do a lot of thinking.
So as long as he continues to show that he respects my boundaries when we try something new or talk about trying something new, I will follow his lead

[va****]

There is no dynamic during vetting and I will take the lead for my safety. As trust and capability is proven he gets to lead. Submission is earned.

[Va****]

In my experience, whether the female is the sub or the Dom, apparently she always has all the control. It’s just whether men are allowed to have and feel any power or not..

But what kind of relationship is it where men have control?

Oh yeah, that’s called reality.

[Yi****]

58 minutes ago, Maygen said:

You're not using the correct words and that can lead to confusion.

You're describing establishing a dynamic and play style within a relationship. Ultimately, it's a cooperative effort, and the way it works will be unique to each relationship. However, that is not vetting.

Vetting is the process of carefully exploring whether someone is suitable for whatever purpose, in this case to be a partner for BDS.. This is usually done via many, many conversations - such discussions about experience levels, boundaries, expectations, etc. Sometimes, even speaking to previous partners or a person's friends is part of the vetting process, like a background check. I strongly feel that both the D-type and the s-type should vet the other.

The responsibility for safety is equally important for each person. This includes learning how things are done in a safer manner is not just the responsibility of the D-type, because how else would an s-type be able to recognize someone doing something in a potentially unsafe manner if they don't educate themselves?

Also, your use of some words, such as "grooming" and "manipulate", is concerning when used in this context. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt that it's due to a misunderstanding and/or misuse of those words

And don't forget their state court and criminal records. So get their proper full name if possible.

[Yi****]

Since I believe most of us are role playing (notice all the furries , littles, brats, cosplay costumes, dressing like vampires etc) figure out what makes you both turned on.

[Yi****]

Thanks no Thanks fet can't edit replies... but if your psyche is truly submissive personality and they truly a domme. It might not be all textbook rules.

[Deleted Member]

58 minutes ago, VagAnalCleaner69 said:

In my experience, whether the female is the sub or the Dom, apparently she always has all the control. It’s just whether men are allowed to have and feel any power or not..

But what kind of relationship is it where men have control?

Oh yeah, that’s called reality.

Wow, the blatant misogyny is real. Glad I know who to block

[Va****]

KittenCurses…You just want control and power 24/7 don’t you? Sounds exhausting.

If I have power and if you have control…what’s the issue? If I have control and you have power…What’s the difference?
None, because power is control.

I’m in control of myself, nobody else.
And you…Unless you don’t want to control yourself or have the power to do so, aren’t.
Something most Dominant women don’t seem to be understanding of.
It’s the same thing.

Not being in control is giving somebody else power. Being powerless. Being submissive.

You are a Dom I wouldn’t trust in a million years.
You don’t care about your subs at all.
You only care how they make you feel.

[Au****]

Me personally, I’m referred to as a pleasure dom, I ultimately dom for my partner’s enjoyment not mine.

[Va****]

Women are always in control.
Power comes in walking away. Disobedience.
Not listening.

I find most people want to dominate before they even know what the truth is.

And you only find out the truth face to face.
Using all of your senses.
I don’t believe anything through a screen.

Usually not even me. But not always.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, VagAnalCleaner69 said:

KittenCurses…You just want control and power 24/7 don’t you? Sounds exhausting.

If I have power and if you have control…what’s the issue? If I have control and you have power…What’s the difference?
None, because power is control.

I’m in control of myself, nobody else.
And you…Unless you don’t want to control yourself or have the power to do so, aren’t.
Something most Dominant women don’t seem to be understanding of.
It’s the same thing.

Not being in control is giving somebody else power. Being powerless. Being submissive.

You are a Dom I wouldn’t trust in a million years.
You don’t care about your subs at all.
You only care how they make you feel.

😂😂 I'm not a Dom, but whatever makes you feel better about your inferiority complex, pumpkin.

[Ve****]

4 hours ago, KittenCurses said:

Wow, the blatant misogyny is real. Glad I know who to block

I do love it when they tell themselves

[gs****]

Lead to tell them how to hurt me lol

[T-****]

Vetting is ALWAYS the correct answer. That way, you are matched correctly, you build trust, you get to know each other’s needs, so you can agree TOGETHER, what works for your particular dynamic. That gets to renegotiated, as needs may change. Often a contract is drawn, which is also renegotiable. The 4 pillars of a Ds relationship are

Honesty
Communication
Trust
Respect

It happens in that order.
So yes, you seem to have a gut sense of being a good Dom. There is a difference between Control and being controlling. Those that think they should control everything with no negotiation, no safe words and no consent are fake . Consent is truly key to this life.
There are great books that you can read to learn your craft.

[Do****]

Some of these answers I am so confused by. I dont have a formal dom and havent had one really ..I have had dom encounters..id love a formal dom. I am extremely submissive.. obedient. This doesnt mean I have no limits or preferences. This means for me..I have to choose very carefully who is my Dom.

I am a pleaser. So it's best for me to find a Dom who is a good fit. The little obvious things like a dom who isnt looking for a brat, because I am not one so I cant please him. But also finding someone who's kinks are not limits for me. Who will honor safe words. Whose dom style aligns with me.

Because when I submit..I submit with my whole self. I am ***. I do not hold power aside from a safe word. I give up my control. I dont just submit.. I often feel like its like floating.. just being adrift..giving myself to the current. I give myself completely. I fully submit.

The safe word..it my fail safe. It is my emergency life jacket. I shouldn't have to use it. But its there if I need it.

So I have to find someone I can trust with this level of submission..someone I can trust to give me aftercare and honor ny safe word and to recognize rhe gift my submission is.

The conversation prior is critical

[Ko****]

@Dollface_41 you are confused because no one really understands the question, but this topic is good to discuss regardless.

My question was simply in a formal D/s relationship, shouldn't the sub go against their nature and take the lead ?

From what I've seen, it's been nothing but " I'm a Dom/Mistress fall in line!" And the sub getting mistreated because they didn't speak up and the potential of a perfect dynamic is lost.
Instead, I believe the Dom should ask questions, and the sub should tell Dom how they like to be treated.
My experience sub leaning persons never like answering questions. "What movies do you like?"I don't know. Tell me what you like." So sub does whatever it takes to please Dom and ends up doing something they didn't like, and now the Dom is the bad one? Even if it was only once.

Or am I crazy for thinking that will work because someone who doesn't care for their sub will use the instructions of the sub to do those bad words I said before?

A lot of subs are closed off because they were mistreated, and a lot of Doms are set in their ways because they believe a sub is just supposed to obey and mold themselves to them.

[jw****]

Ty for posting this its makes me think

[Deleted Member]

I want my dom tell me what to do.