How do you express your needs irrespective of the role you assume?

[Deleted Member]

I’ve listened to many stories from Subs that have had less than satisfactory experiences from Dom’s, primarily because the Dom doesn’t know how to express his needs prior to interaction. My question to Dom’s is, “How do you let the sub know what your needs are, and how do you find out if you are the right Dom that can fulfill a sub? Do you ever pass over a sub because you feel she is better served by another Dom? If not, why not?

[Le****]

I think any Dom should be capable of serving different needs. It might take a moment of transition. But I think of a Dom is willing. It should be explored and given possibility? Effort means a lot.

[TJ****]

The biggest and most important key to success is complete, unfiltered open communication. That’s the biggest barrier I’ve seen.

[Le****]

Yea if you don't communicate well. You aren't getting anywhere. Period.

[JJ****]

Indeed, it all starts with knowing a bit of each other..
starts with likes and dislikes,
needs and urges,
and wenn you have a little more intimacy, ***s and joys..
actually, wenm i role as Dom, many subs get the initial idea of a weak Dom, but most of them gets it, after a session, wenn they have they needs and urges taken care of..
Hope it helps..

[Th****]

Yea, as others said, communication is key.. and before a scene is even discussed or agreed upon, not as it plays out. Better to sit down and make out your own list and compare notes if chatting is awkward for one of you. For any dynamic to work the first two things you need are communication and trust

[TJ****]

@ThatOneGuy1129 💯on point

[Ni****]

In dom and sub there needs to be high level of communication and open communication.

With yes' and no's.
Likes and dislikes
Bucket list
Fantasies
Kinks etc

[H0****]

I like to be given a subs fantasy, work out the scene and toss my needs into the scene play.

But communication about, planning, in and out items for consent, trust, and human barriers.

[C_****]

Being a Dom isn’t about taking pleasure at the expense of your sub. It’s about understanding their likes, dislikes, and limits, then creating a safe environment where they can explore those desires without ***. A Dom’s own pleasure matters, but it’s built around and often heightened by the sub’s experience.

[Deleted Member]

In a new d/s relationship communication is key. And with communication trust is built . When trust is built i feel like then you reach a point where you are familiar with eachothers needs and desires & also limits. Therefore less communication is needed later on . But in the beginning trust should definitely be built between both

[Da****]

Being an experienced Dom and Master, there are several key factors that are missing here. I see communication and trust have been mentioned, but what about honesty?? How about respect?? How about some knowledge of what your needs are as a Dom?? You have to be honest with yourself. You have to be *** as a Dom. Being *** doesn't mean your any less a Dom. You also have to keep your needs reslistic

[jj****]

For a brand new connection, once we have a rapport and have hashed out hard boundaries, I’ll go back and forth while flirting in a more lighthearted way.

After we actually bang it out, I give specific examples of what I liked, what I didn’t like, and I expect the same from my partner. I’m not going to jump into anything with someone I’m not comfortable communicating with.

[Deleted Member]

You lay out expectations to the submissive early on in what you want, they then agree to continue, choose to find someone else, or in best case scenario (how it should go) communicate what concerns them and you both find middle grounds / compromises.

[ey****]

Sometimes one of the issues is that folk are trying to figure out what their own needs/wants are - and sometimes the issue is having potentially found someone, they become too afraid to say anything that might put the other person off.   This isn't excludive to any role or dynamic. 

So in the case of the original post you end up with a situation no one is really happy with - a Dominant afraid to, well, take control who maybe tries to be flexible to make a relationship work they simply aren't right for.     There's always two questions to consider - are they right for me? Am I right for them?

And if you end up trying too much to fit that right, it ends up in a position which isn't that natural.     End up feeling unfulfilled because there is stuff you wanted you didn't even communicate, and this can come over in the stuff you end up doing

"Communication is key" is true, but also a meaningless phrase on it's own - communication is important, but what does that even mean? And regular chats and check ins to make sure you are both happy and to discuss what you'd like from it are important

And yeah, if it's obvious you're trying to fit a mold which isn't you, then no relationship is better than a one that will leave both unhappy.

[Fe****]

Taking your time when vetting is important, I feel. I think if the sub can't have in-depth convos about what they enjoy then that's a bit of a red flag.

I think asking open-ended questions about how the sub would feel if you, as the dom, did or said X thing can be good. After, you give your feedback about how what they said would make you feel. For example, if that would dissatisfy you then you can say that you'd feel disrespected or that you'd find it more enjoyable in X way.

It's good to ask questions about the sub's goals and intentions. How they'd like to be made to feel and what their worst case scenario would be. Then to share the same about yourself.

As much as lists can be tedious, the D/s lists about BDSM interests are really helpful. If you both fill them in and compare notes. They're basically check boxes about what you enjoy and about soft/hard limits, with added notes.

There's a great book about how to truly listen to what someone is trying to say even if they're poor communicators. It's also about how to communicate your needs instead of just communicating your feelings. It's called 'Just Listen' by Mark Goulston. I'd recommend it.

Other than this, I'd say the Dom would just need to take scenes really slowly and to prioritise after-care which can involve talking about how the scene made you feel. For example, you could say:

"Thank you for giving so much of yourself and trusting me to take care of you. I loved the way you'd look up at me with your big pretty eyes and when you said 'Yes, Sir', and I felt unheard and rejected when you didn't follow my requests. Was something happening for you today which made it hard to let me fully take the lead?"

That way, what you're asking assumes that they're just in need of support rather than a mismatch. Like if they love being a brat but you love full obedience, these kinds of questions will reveal that.

I also feel it's the Dom's job to give a lot of reassurance to the sub. It can initially be a long talk about it (I'll give an example below) and later just frequent reminders of small parts of it. Example:

"You can always come to me at any moment if you feel unsure, upset, or have an unmet need. You'll never be a bad girl for that. It makes you a good girl. If you're have even the tiniest doubt about whether you feel okay with something then that means you aren't, so I'd really like it if you protect yourself by telling me. If you can promise to be responsible for your emotional wellbeing then that really helps me because my main goal is to keep you safe. I promise I'll always try my best to keep you safe."

I don't think the Dom needs to hand a sub over to another Dom if there is a mismatch. They should prioritise the emotional wellbeing of both people in the relationship though and letting someone go is important.

Being possessive over someone when you know you can't fulfil their needs (I'm not talking about imposter syndrome) isn't fair. Neither should we live with severely unmet needs. This would only lead to resentment and possibly even taking a scene too far or ignoring subtle signs that the sub is unhappy during a scene.

The main issue with passing a sub over to another Dom is that you will feel responsible if that turns out badly. If you deeply know a Dom then you could consider it, or simply introducing them.

We only have one precious life and shouldn't settle for crumbs when we need the whole cake.

[DarkArts1066]

I have done exactly that - with a sub who is on here.
It became clear that I couldn’t meet her needs at the time, and I had encouraged her to seek out someone else. She found someone she liked, and introduced us. We chatted, and I realised that He was the one who could take her further on her journey, whether just in the short term - or permanently.

As Doms, we HAVE to put the needs of our sub first. They often rely on us for direction, and require trust. We have to be able to be honest with them at all times.

Putting our own needs across can sometines be more difficult. We usually focus so much on our sub that sometimes, our own needs can become lost -or obfu***ed in the maelstrom of emotions.

Simply sitting down at the start, before any real interaction has taken place, and being honest about our own expectations, and needs is the ONLY way forward.

We always talk about ‘sub drop’… but ‘Dom drop’ is a very real thing also, and this can be exacerbated if our own needs are not being met.
Honesty, and openness is always the best policy.

[fc****]

I don't express my needs because I am naturally submissive and it has left me in a catch 22. A master turned me down the other day because Im trapped in a loveless situation with a manipulative 'partner'. He said I made my bed and I had to change the sheets. This was after saying he could see that I was so naturally submissive that it was never in me to rebel. My head hurts thinking about it

[on****]

Because most people that are naturally dominant not someone who’s been taught or trained to be a dom most of the time wants to be in control. Their needs are met first, then cums the rewarding part of being a sub being able to please your dom if she full of herself bratty as hell and has no self control she might not be a sub submissive is the word as a dom’How would you accept anything less I was choking bitches before I even knew what dom or sub meant meaning it came natural

[Gh****]

I still havent found my Domme or Mistress that isn't a scam. Has me even wondering if any really existed

[fc****]

It might be why I ended up on top so many times

[Gh****]

I'll keep looking but I doubt I'll find that person

[Deleted Member]

Simple communication. If you can articulate your needs/wants, you can articulate your own expectations truthfully and honestly. If your partner can do the same then you'll work well together. If not and one of you is lying you'll know by talking to them. Problem is I feel most people have lost the art of negotiation, articulation. If one really doesn't know what one enjoys then experiment safely.

[fc****]

A naturally submissive is str8 up uncomfortable talking about their own needs. It goes against the people pleasing nature right from the get.it probably sounds weird,but in my case I was raised by a maglignant narcissist,so training happened for me in my formative years and is ingrained.

[Ho****]

Communication is paramount, it’s perfectly healthy to have an “out of character” review every once in a while to ensure alignment is in place & see if any adjustments are merited.