New sub looking for some advice

[To****]

Go with your gut

[di****]

💖 Not something I necessarily would tell my younger self, but just a strong message overall: your submission is a gift and don't compromise your comfort, gut feelings, or safety for someone who is trying to get you to bend to THEIR will and not actually work with what **you're** looking for.

Any dude can call himself a Dom and tell you to get on your knees and suck his c**k. Doesn't make him one.

Find someone whose idea of "Dominance" ISN'T just making you do what THEY want. What do YOU want? How are they accommodating and working towards this goal? It's not just someone making you do whatever they want, and anyone who pulls any shit about 100% obedience / no questions asked / "no limits or safe words" is a fucking idiot.

You are the desired commodity (young subby women are swarmed for a reason), you are the one whose needs should be prioritized.

[di****]

Friday at 02:14 AM, GingerStaru said:

Sub here🖐️ I would tell my younger self don't just take anyone calling themselves a Dom. A real dom wants to hear your fantasies and desires. They want to world build with you. Don't be shy because you think 'nobody would be into that' because if there is one thing you can take away from this community is someone is definitely into it. Don't settle for any jackass, find your unicorn!

💖 1,000%

[Re****]

Agreeing to let someone be your Dom doesn't mean they suddenly get to do whatever they want to you no matter what. Even if you have explicitly agreed to such an arrangement, even in writing, it is always okay to revoke consent if you're not happy with what's happening. You are still a person with needs, don't let your role take importance over yourself and your needs as a person. Run away from any Dom that can't or won't understand this.

[Od****]

On 8/25/2025 at 5:18 AM, distress_addict said:

💖 Not something I necessarily would tell my younger self, but just a strong message overall: your submission is a gift and don't compromise your comfort, gut feelings, or safety for someone who is trying to get you to bend to THEIR will and not actually work with what **you're** looking for.

Any dude can call himself a Dom and tell you to get on your knees and suck his c**k. Doesn't make him one.

Find someone whose idea of "Dominance" ISN'T just making you do what THEY want. What do YOU want? How are they accommodating and working towards this goal? It's not just someone making you do whatever they want, and anyone who pulls any shit about 100% obedience / no questions asked / "no limits or safe words" is a fucking idiot.

You are the desired commodity (young subby women are swarmed for a reason), you are the one whose needs should be prioritized.

Any subs viewing the thread, read and re-read this.

Hey you! Yeah you, the one who just reflexively rolled their eyes? Stop being a *** for 15 seconds and read distress' post. You can go back to bratting after.

Anyway.....

One thing I tell every sub I play with is they can stop at any time, whether it's in negotiations, or or mid scene.

Neither myself, nor anyone else, is entitled to their submission. Like @distress_addict said, it's an intimate and precious gift, and not everyone is worthy of it.

[FOX-UKDD]

The first and most important thing that’s ever told to anyone new to the submissive role is that

“No Dom should dictate what YOUR dynamic should look like, regardless of experience, any kind of dictation of rules based solely on what they require or have previously done should not exist. The very idea of that concept terrifies me to the core and destroys the entire premise of our beautiful world. All true dynamic relationships are BUILT TOGETHER and never dictated”

Never feel pressure or responsibility to be right in their eyes at the expense of your own needs! You are ENTITLED to have a foundation that you can discuss and build on with your Dominant together and not just blindly follow.

[Ma****]

August 21, Tori97 said:

As a sub: not everyone who calls themselves a Dom is a real Dom, and the fake ones are very dangerous

I need to see if I can find a current location for DrSpankenstein's definitive "Acid Tests for Finding Real Dominants", which I have referred subs and slaves to for at least two decades.

The estimate back then was 95% of supposed Dominants, really aren't - and I've seen nothing since then to make Me doubt it's accuracy. I saved a copy long ago, and posted it once on FL, I should check on it, and see if anyone claiming permission has reposted it again...

I tend to refer to them collectively as pretenders, players, and predators.

[Mn****]

I have a vetting list I go through. Any Dom that can get through it or gets angry about it, I know they aren’t going to be a better Dom. They hit the max of their capacity.
For me:
What is your martial arts experience
-What is you military experience
- How many scenes have you run
-What is the munches you attend
- How often are you tested?
-Do you have the paper work on your testing to show me if we met?
-Tell me about a time where you had to take complete accountability
-What is prep for a scene look like?
Additionally, I have rules like
- mister pays for all my gear but I don’t own any of it. It’s his but I don’t use cheap gear either.
-I have a three month mandatory no sex policy, mister has to be a proper match and we have to talk through out dynamic in detail
-mister has to NEVER flip the script on me. He can ever blame for or make me feel like I am being demanding for speaking up for myself. I am demanding. That’s mister’s job.
-mister has to willingly apologize and recognize if he breaks ANY basic BDSM prep, scene or aftercare principles.
These are just basic stuff. Hold potential misters/mistress to a standard of honor.