Obedience or Self-Abandonment?

[Bo****]

Where do you draw the line between obedience and self-abandonment? For me, true surrender feels expansive, but if I give in at the cost of my own needs or well-being, it starts to feel like erasing myself instead of submitting. I’d love to hear how others navigate this balance.

[sa****]

Self identity, confidence, communication, trust, and reasoning


Wanting to submit and release all should come with trust in who you submit too, and self trust. The submissive holds the true power. A dominant should understand to ask what limits are


Explore where your limits lie as well

[sa****]

Ask your reasoning to submit. Is it play? Is it fun? Is it because…. You feel you must?

The line of whether it is play or self sacrifice is a important key

Usually a ask in submission should not lead to the feeling of you not being truthful to yourself. When it does begin to feel as such, the line between consent and obedience is crossed and no longer fun

[Ba****]

That’s not submitting. A True Dom/domme would never require that of you, nor should you ask that of yourself. Both parties should equally be themselves if someone feels like they’re losing themselves in my opinion that submission/domination is no longer healthy or safe. If you feel like you’re losing yourself reevaluate. If it was I would go back and have a conversation with my partner and reflect on myself as-well. I’d ask my self how do I really feel? What’s making me feel like this? Do I feel safe? What can I change?

[Ci****]

I think that’s why establishing clear boundaries before being invoked-whether sexually or romantically is really important. Especially in this community where just because you’re submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean your submissive in all aspects of life. For me, anytime someone tries to tell me I’ll like something that’s a hard no for me/I know I have no interest in, that’s when I stay firm. If they become pushy then it’s time to red flag them and generally cut things off if you’re not in a long term or committed relationship. If it is long term and committed then an honest sit down conversation has to be had. There’s a fine line sometimes between *** and a BdSM relationship but completely losing yourself is a sign of trauma and *** not BDSM

[ma****]

You talk about your limits with your dom and what you are comfortable doing. Nothing should feel ***d

[Deleted Member]

From the Dominant’s Chair:

This is the razor’s edge where D/s either becomes a sanctuary or a slow erosion of self.

True surrender, in my world, never asks a submissive to disappear. It asks her to expand inside the container we create together. Obedience, when it’s healthy, is not blind compliance it’s a choice that feels safe because she knows her mind, heart, and well-being are honored in my hands.

When I lead, I’m not looking for a ghost of a woman who has erased her voice to keep the peace. I want the whole, breathing, feeling creature the fire and the softness because that’s where her surrender becomes real.

If what I’m asking costs her the core of who she is, then I’ve stopped leading and started consuming and that’s not dominance, that’s control. My job is to build a space where she doesn’t have to choose between obedience and herself.

When a submissive feels seen, cherished, and protected, obedience stops feeling like “giving up.” It becomes the most natural offering she can make. Not because she ***s losing me but because she knows she won’t lose herself.

[ob****]

Wait you’re supposed to have boundaries? Like I’m mostly joking but honestly most of why I’m a sub is cause I get validation from bringing others pleasure and so submission is like the epitome of that, prob (almost definitely) not a healthy way to think about it but that’s what I do

[Da****]

Know yourself (keep learning yourself), communicate and keep using your consent power. Be aware of whether you feel a split (what thoughts or acts of obedience start to bring about seeds of self-abandonment?) Review those.

I think you're right that true surrender feels expansive. But don't let that stop you from experimenting wirh it. And use all of you in the experimentation. Don't keep it in the head. It will surely split rhen.

A good Dom will honour your awareness journey, even be enthralled by it, and will help you get wonder from it, as @KYRIOSDominant702explains, so very eloquently.

[si****]

So this is an M/s perspective. I’m owned and I’ve been his for over 15 years. My contract has one term: until he says otherwise. I don’t have limits, he does.

This isn’t self abandonment. If anything this is the perfect self care. I care far more about taking good care of his property than I do of looking after myself at times.

He takes better care of me that I would myself.

I give everything but in return I get more than I could ever dream of.

Now this isn’t going to work out for everyone in every relationship. Keep in mind I’d known him for over 2 years before I became his. Entering this sort of agreement takes trust, knowledge of that person and knowledge of yourself.

M/s is not better than D/s is not better than SM. It’s about doing what is right for you, learning about yourself and working on improving yourself to the best version of you that you can be.

[Re****]

"...I give in at the cost of my own needs or well-being"

That hurts to read. No one should be compromising that in any aspect of their life. Full stop. There is no "balancing" the compromising of one's self.

In my opinion, that's a mismatch between the D/s or the D is clueless. Finding the right Domme is hard, I know cause I've been looking. The woman who can earn my yield is out there, somewhere.

My advice, if communicating what you are experiencing isn't met with an open heart and mind, just walk away. It's trying to weigh ourselves on ambiguous scales that makes us throw parts of ourselves overboard hoping that each one of the items jettisoned will be the final one needed to stay afloat.

We all have intrinsic value, don't allow yourself to be trampled upon.

[Co****]

If you are talking about a long term committed relationship, the most important thing is who you are submitting to. You have to build trust and be able to rely on your partner to keep your needs and well-being in mind. A dominant is responsible not only for their own desires, but for the ultimate wellbeing of those they are in charge of. If they can do that, you can surrender completely without *** that you will be damaged. If you don’t have that kind of trust, you can’t turn over control completely.

[Co****]

If you are talking about short term play, you need to discuss expectations and boundaries so that your needs are met and your well-being is maintained.

[Bo****]

14 hours ago, satyricalsatire said:

Ask your reasoning to submit. Is it play? Is it fun? Is it because…. You feel you must?

The line of whether it is play or self sacrifice is a important key

Usually a ask in submission should not lead to the feeling of you not being truthful to yourself. When it does begin to feel as such, the line between consent and obedience is crossed and no longer fun

I really appreciate how you framed it around self-identity and self-trust. That’s exactly where I’ve been struggling — knowing if my submission is coming from a place of trust and play, or if it’s tipping into sacrifice. I really like the reminder that when it stops feeling truthful to myself, that’s a sign the line has been crossed. Thank you for putting it so clearly.

[Bo****]

14 hours ago, BabyBunniiee said:

That’s not submitting. A True Dom/domme would never require that of you, nor should you ask that of yourself. Both parties should equally be themselves if someone feels like they’re losing themselves in my opinion that submission/domination is no longer healthy or safe. If you feel like you’re losing yourself reevaluate. If it was I would go back and have a conversation with my partner and reflect on myself as-well. I’d ask my self how do I really feel? What’s making me feel like this? Do I feel safe? What can I change?

This really resonated with me. The idea that a true Dom wouldn’t want me to lose myself, and that if I start to feel like I am, it’s a signal to re-evaluate — that hit home.

[Bo****]

14 hours ago, CityBrat633 said:

I think that’s why establishing clear boundaries before being invoked-whether sexually or romantically is really important. Especially in this community where just because you’re submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean your submissive in all aspects of life. For me, anytime someone tries to tell me I’ll like something that’s a hard no for me/I know I have no interest in, that’s when I stay firm. If they become pushy then it’s time to red flag them and generally cut things off if you’re not in a long term or committed relationship. If it is long term and committed then an honest sit down conversation has to be had. There’s a fine line sometimes between *** and a BdSM relationship but completely losing yourself is a sign of trauma and *** not BDSM

I loved what you said about boundaries — especially that being submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean being submissive in every aspect of life.

[Bo****]

14 hours ago, madison311155 said:

You talk about your limits with your dom and what you are comfortable doing. Nothing should feel ***d

Yes — talking limits openly. That’s the piece we can sometimes avoid because we *** it won’t be received well. But your comment is such a reminder that nothing should ever feel ***d.

[Bo****]

14 hours ago, KYRIOSDominant702 said:

From the Dominant’s Chair:

This is the razor’s edge where D/s either becomes a sanctuary or a slow erosion of self.

True surrender, in my world, never asks a submissive to disappear. It asks her to expand inside the container we create together. Obedience, when it’s healthy, is not blind compliance it’s a choice that feels safe because she knows her mind, heart, and well-being are honored in my hands.

When I lead, I’m not looking for a ghost of a woman who has erased her voice to keep the peace. I want the whole, breathing, feeling creature the fire and the softness because that’s where her surrender becomes real.

If what I’m asking costs her the core of who she is, then I’ve stopped leading and started consuming and that’s not dominance, that’s control. My job is to build a space where she doesn’t have to choose between obedience and herself.

When a submissive feels seen, cherished, and protected, obedience stops feeling like “giving up.” It becomes the most natural offering she can make. Not because she ***s losing me but because she knows she won’t lose herself.

The image of not wanting a “ghost of a woman” but her whole self — that’s exactly what I want to feel in surrender.

[Bo****]

12 hours ago, obsessedej said:

Wait you’re supposed to have boundaries? Like I’m mostly joking but honestly most of why I’m a sub is cause I get validation from bringing others pleasure and so submission is like the epitome of that, prob (almost definitely) not a healthy way to think about it but that’s what I do

You’re right, it’s not always the healthiest dynamic, but it’s also honest and human.

[ju****]

I think what we are talking about here is the difference between compliance and submission. compliance is born out of ***, but submission is born out of the need to belong to and be guided by someone.

[al****]

A good Dom should respect their sub enough to be able to balance life so you can submit without stripping you of your soul. Submittion shouldn't feel abusive.