New Mistress in trouble

[MistressKanade]

My husband has wanted to be a part time Sissy for many years. I have always struggled with that but it got to a breaking point with us. He started doing some training online and I have been trying to be his mistress. We are at the point where I need to learn how to take over and turn him into my Sissy or we may no longer stay married. We love each other very much and it would completely crush both of us if that were to happen. But I am also beginning to realize how debilitated my ADHD has made me and I'm struggling to manage my symptoms. One is that I can be passionate about change and then a few days later completely forget why it even mattered. I have lost all trust from him, he doesn't even think I love him. Any help or advice I can get from anyone on how to fix my life would really be helpful. Thanks in advance.

[Ro****]

First thing to consider - are you getting any benefit from this? Your problem may be that it's all about his kink. So, you might benefit from a talk about what you both get out of it.

Relationships in BDSM do depend on communication. Before you even start you should talk limits and needs and so on and those discussions should be ongoing as things change.

At the very least he should, as a sissy, be involved in doing most of the housework and working in other ways to make your life easier. Would you want him to give you a massage when you get home and have dinner ready, for example?

Maybe also consider him actually helping with your ADHD. Like, I know from personal experience that a secretary/PA would help me a lot with mine...

So, instead of seeing it as something you have to do work to achieve, maybe consider how it can nake your life better and less stressful?

[subbbn]

First thing is go to couples therapy. Get someone that has an extensive back round in sexual matters.

[Pi****]

Maybe learning the reasons behind the reasons would help or find the aspects that would make it most interesting or fascinating for you or have him quiz you or something

[MistressKanade]

2 hours ago, subbbn said:

First thing is go to couples therapy. Get someone that has an extensive back round in sexual matters.

Understandable, I did see a counselor for a while but he just seemed to blame everything on my husband and didn't really help anything. We also don't have the *** to spend.

[MistressKanade]

1 hour ago, Piteris said:

Maybe learning the reasons behind the reasons would help or find the aspects that would make it most interesting or fascinating for you or have him quiz you or something

We have talked extensively. I understand clearly why he wants/needs this, it doesn't help me enjoy it any better. He also knows me better than I know myself. Communication has been a problem, but it's one that I think is being fixed very quickly. It's funny how when you have everything to loose you don't hold back anymore.

 

I have found a couple things I enjoy, but it's those nitty gritty details, and the boring times in-between the fun things that trip me up. I guess if I could stop it from being boring it could help, but we have other things that need to be done that don't involve our bedroom lives at all. Sometimes it's hard to mix bedroom and life.

[LadySusweca]

If you choose to try counseling again you may want to try this site which has kink aware professionals.

https://www.kapprofessionals.org/

[Jo****]

You're not alone. You can overcome this perceived obstacle. Kink-friendly therapy is out there!

[Re****]

Give it a break, step back, check your perspective, and you be you. You're happiness is your responsibility. No one else's.
This is driving you bipolar. There's your sign.

[Billy1013]

I'm not doctor, but I do know what you're experiencing. The easy road is to take classes or explore scenes together. Being with a pro can help you and him to grasp the roleplay and personal limitations. Look at it this way, would you feel comfortable trying to operate a construction crane(ok, I can see the reference) without any instructions. Baby step it dove. Might be a chance you do not enjoy the roleplay, but find out together first and appreciate he talks about his fantasies, most of us don't. GL

[li****]

What on earth are you getting out of this? How many men out there would tolerate that their wives wanted to adopt the appearance of the opposite sex? I really doubt he loves you or he wouldn't be making you do this.
Divorce him. Please.

[li****]

5 hours ago, MistressKanade said:

Understandable, I did see a counselor for a while but he just seemed to blame everything on my husband and didn't really help anything. We also don't have the *** to spend.

Your counselor was wise.

[ey****]

OK, so this is what he wants - but sounds like it's not something you're interested in.   That's a boundary he has to respect.

Of course, you can still acknowledge this means a lot to him.  But particularly if he is only really interested in being a sissy on a "part time" basis (though, this to me feels like it has potential for mission creep) I think there are two real options which doesn't end the relationship

The first is - he has to work out, and do this, in a way this benefits you.  Him offloading any form of work or labour from you is deeply unfair, so yeah - sure he can sissy, but this has to be in a way that benefits you or, at least, doesn't disadvantage you

option two

can he explore being a part time sissy with someone else? Either finding someone from the community or seeing a pro?  This means someone actually interested can play this with him and he still comes home to you.

[Da****]

Happens with my A.D.D. i started writing it down. So i can read the reasoning and stick to my guns.

[Deleted Member]

I read this and felt quite concerned for you. Where are you in all of this? Your needs, your mental and physical health? Can you read again what you've posted here and see that you are subjugating yourself for the sake of his kink. You don't want this, you say you don't enjoy it and it's affecting you negatively - it is ok to say you don't want to do it. And someone who cares for you should respect your wishes and boundaries. Please put yourself above his sexual desires.

[MistressKanade]

Thank you all for wanting my well being. I have a hard time completely expressing myself but here's trying. I will try to answer some of your questions but there's too much to quote. No it is not what I want or like necessary but I love him, I want him to be happy and I want him to feel loved and taken care of. For a long time he has tried to get rid of it. He has fought himself, but because I didn't show him love in other ways it just drove him further into it. Yes logically he could find someone else. In fact we have discussed it many times, he has even talked to the online community a bit and almost just done it a couple times. Our religious and moral beliefs are holding us back. Just recently I told him a hard limit was someone else in the bedroom. That's with or without me. I'm sure that makes him feel stuck. Last night he said I was like a toddler with a toy, I don't want to share, but I don't take care of him either, just pull him out every now and then to play with. I honestly agree with that statement. I don't want to share, but I do want to learn how to care for him, even if it's something I don't enjoy. For a long time I have not taken on the responsibility of my actions. I'm trying to now, but I'm not fully sure how. That's why I need help

[MistressKanade]

I also don't think I've said how much this man has taken care of me. Every time I wanted sex he gave it to me, every time I had a mental breakdown he held me while I cried, then did everything he could to help make it better. Honestly if anyone should have left it should have been him. He has taken care of me like I was his most precious child(in a good way) and received lies and manipulation in return. Every person has their own perspective, I've tried to give you mine, but I'm also trying to show you what I know of his. Please no more comments telling me to divorce him, I get enough of that irl from family and friends that cannot possibly understand what we are going through.

[li****]

1 hour ago, MistressKanade said:

I also don't think I've said how much this man has taken care of me. Every time I wanted sex he gave it to me, every time I had a mental breakdown he held me while I cried, then did everything he could to help make it better. Honestly if anyone should have left it should have been him. He has taken care of me like I was his most precious child(in a good way) and received lies and manipulation in return. Every person has their own perspective, I've tried to give you mine, but I'm also trying to show you what I know of his. Please no more comments telling me to divorce him, I get enough of that irl from family and friends that cannot possibly understand what we are going through.

To me it sounds like he's using manipulation and religion to make you believe you're a bad wife and that everyone around can see through him except yourself, since even friends and family are telling you to get a divorce. But if you don't want to see it, I can't do much about it.
In BDSM there's a strong emphasis on enthusiastic consent and nobody who's a good person will tell you to participate in kinks you're not convinced of. You probably deserve better than him but again... I can't convince you to divorce.
I recommend that you check Ute Heggen's book about a woman going through a similar experience. Might help somehow.

[mo****]

I think it’s time to seperate honestly, he’s crossing your boundaries by trying to *** you to be comfortable with something he only desires and that is not love. That is disrespecting boundaries and ruining the trust and comfort. It’s not easy especially because of the bond that was already formed but it seems like he wants you to be something you just simply aren’t. I can relate to this a lot and it was best to just seperate

[ka****]

Use being his mistress to your favour command him to wait for a good day for you when you feel passionate some people do this with chastity cage and unlock one day when they feel like

[MistressKanade]

1 hour ago, momo-momo said:

I think it’s time to seperate honestly, he’s crossing your boundaries by trying to *** you to be comfortable with something he only desires and that is not love. That is disrespecting boundaries and ruining the trust and comfort. It’s not easy especially because of the bond that was already formed but it seems like he wants you to be something you just simply aren’t. I can relate to this a lot and it was best to just seperate

If all you do is take from a relationship is it really a relationship? He's not forcing me to do anything, he's not manipulating me, he's telling me what he needs to have a full filling life. Yes it is difficult for me, but that's why I asked for help. Most of the rules we have set down are because of me. 

[MistressKanade]

2 minutes ago, kayfkay said:

Use being his mistress to your favour command him to wait for a good day for you when you feel passionate some people do this with chastity cage and unlock one day when they feel like

We did discuss this a couple times. There are two problems, 1 it would be so long in-between so many times that when I pulled him out he probably wouldn't even be able to get hard anymore because I can go a couple months and not want anything. 2 what he needs is a more emotional connection, if all I do is lock him up and ignore him he still doesn't get what he needs and things just get worse.

[Pl****]

Perhaps look for a mistress who can offer mentorship to you if you are open to it? The complexity of your struggles sounds like more than a simple silver bullet as it seems to be a mismatch in what you need and want and your husband complicated by your adhd.

[Pl****]

The other possibility if you and your husband are open to it are putting reminders based on how often per day or week he needs your attention and if you aren’t in the mood you put that moodiness in the mistress/domme role play and complain and degrade him for his inconvenient neediness and how his needs put demands on you and playfully demand he make your efforts worthwhile in ways you enjoy or that you know he enjoys depending what you feel like. Might be a way to stop him feeling neglected or forgotten and a way for you to remember and also get some carthatic release for going out your comfort zone for him and each other.

[LadySusweca]

Plagueis_wise has some wonderful ideas. Finding a mistress on Fet that has experience in this area may be a good mentor for you. She may also be able to help with any negotiations between your husband and yourself since she should be neutral and objective in this situation. This way both people get their needs met. A couple should be willing to make a compromise with each other. The idea that you should just separate is some of the problem that couples have today. They think separation is the only way and do not even bother with communicating with each other about the issues that are going on. Communication and trust are a big part of a BDSM relationship. A kink friendly therapist may also help you learn more about each other's needs.