How to approach people on site

[SammyB]

5 minutes ago, UK_Knight said:

Often, people message in the way they ASSUME Doms should be.  Sadly, they are 'educated' by the same people who think that submission is given just because you SAY you are dom.  The reality is that submission is given when trust is earnt.  Most won't ever get to that point.

 

 

I think you are right 

I think as with any place people will gravitate towards those they know from here it’s the lobby or forums 

sadly many don’t use them for many reasons n that’s their choice 

yes there are cliques in any space but I think on a whole there is just poor etiquette and manners on both sides of the fence both sending n receiving messages 

sx 

[Cruxdom]

I don't like being PMed by people I haven't seen in rooms

[MissCrystal]

Just because im into BDSM does not mean I want to be approached by a stranger immediately assuming I want to put a diaper on them. I do not by the way. Im not into that. I like to be approached like a lady. Like you would approach me in real life. Greet me, respectfully ask me what my purpose is on here. Then state urs and if Im interested you wont get a NOT INTERESTED notification. Simple.

[MissCrystal]

People think because you are on this site ur just dying to get your holes played with by a stranger or vice versa. Not entirely true. Its hard in the real world to be like "hey do u enjoy sexual experiences that include ropes, and whips, and submission". We're all on here because we enjoy some type of sex thats out of the quote on quote norm. I am not a creep, dont approach me with disrespect or asking or offering sexual favors.

[Deleted Member]

It’s interesting that many people talk about other people evidently not having read their profile fully or properly. My experience is that there is a very large percentage of members of this site that either don’t write a profile at all, or else it is so brief as to be completely uninformative.

I would have thought that it would be basic courtesy to everyone else on the site to give at least a brief profile description of your likes, dislikes, aims and goals. I’ve messaged many people with absolutely no profile, but it’s hard to know if you’re going to have anything in common with someone who has written barely a word about themselves...

[Mz****]

I hate to say it because it bothers me a great deal that it's happened, but I've stopped approaching people on site, even for platonic reasons..Its just not worth the torrents of ***, and constantly having to defend myself because of the actions of a handful of others. I can send the most innocent 'hello, we share interests if you fancy a chat sometime' type message, and the reply can be downright nasty, (assuming I'm not instantly blocked that is)..almost always accusing me of being some sort of scammer...because a "real Domme" doesn't need to contact strangers, or wouldn't be on a dating site, or I'm being predatory, or I must be a Pro touting for business..it drives me insane..I know those types of people exist, but I'm not one of them and I'm fed up of being tarred with the same brush and penalised for it..in a similar way I'm sure  some s types feel the a few bad apples bad behaviour makes D types suspicious of their motives for contacting them.

Thank you @SammyB I feel better for getting that off my chest.

[SammyB]

31 minutes ago, MzJax said:

I hate to say it because it bothers me a great deal that it's happened, but I've stopped approaching people on site, even for platonic reasons..Its just not worth the torrents of ***, and constantly having to defend myself because of the actions of a handful of others. I can send the most innocent 'hello, we share interests if you fancy a chat sometime' type message, and the reply can be downright nasty, (assuming I'm not instantly blocked that is)..almost always accusing me of being some sort of scammer...because a "real Domme" doesn't need to contact strangers, or wouldn't be on a dating site, or I'm being predatory, or I must be a Pro touting for business..it drives me insane..I know those types of people exist, but I'm not one of them and I'm fed up of being tarred with the same brush and penalised for it..in a similar way I'm sure  some s types feel the a few bad apples bad behaviour makes D types suspicious of their motives for contacting them.

Thank you @SammyB I feel better for getting that off my chest.

I can honestly say I do not ever ever approach anyone I’ve not had interactions with in lobby or forum 

if I do it is generally a lifestyle question or a follow up to a conversation  

I would always ask permission to pm from the lobby or forum post 

I never contact anyone with a view to any kind of interactions with view to wanting more 

I suppose my post was similar to you getting things off my chest but also a way of checking the temperature in her real bout this topic 

 

thank you for taking the time to share from your personal perspective as a Domme 

Sx 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2020 by SammyB

[Mz****]

6 minutes ago, SammyB said:

I can honestly say I do not ever ever approach anyone I’ve not had interactions with in lobby or forum 

if I do it is generally a lifestyle question or a follow up to a conversation  

I would always ask permission to pm from the lobby or forum post 

I never contact anyone with a view to any kind of interactions with view to wanting more 

I suppose my post was similar to you getting things off my chest but also a way of checking the temperature in her real bout this topic 

 

thank you for taking the time to share from your personal perspective as a Domme 

Sx 

 

 

 

 

Its been an interesting thread, I think most who read it will feel the tangible frustrations a lot of us, whatever our role, are feeling. Of course as always, the ones who should read it and who'd benefit the most if they did, won't.

Sometimes just writing the words helps me process things more clearly, sometimes the opposite though, I often go off on tangents..I hope your thermometer has helped.

 

[CowgirlJesse]

I have the same conundrum- I want to meet, learn, and chat with people but have no idea how to actually "get myself out there"
I thought that online would be so much better since I have such bad social anxiety... but that seems to have transferred over anyway.
Maybe I'm presenting myself the wrong way.... ?
My attraction to the lifestyle is more seeking the psychological dynamic of D/s and the flow of trust and openness in the kink community.

[Deleted Member]

I have written a few times about this issue, the scourge of sites like this. Common human decency and respect for some strange reason seem to be forgotten by many when they step into this world. It's as if they think the rules of respect change, when in fact in my mind it's even more important.

[Ar****]

The bottom line is no, it should never be different because it is online. I've seen so many people on various platforms try to use that defence, and it is a weak excuse for being a poor human.

 

I don't use the chat as it moves too quickly for me and I simply can't keep up when it is busy. When I was more active here in the forums I would often reach out to people with whom there was a commonality, a shared perspective, something extra (perhaps a personal touch) to be added to a thread but which might be out of place if all should see it. In recent months I find it more likely that somebody is more likely to reach out to me after a forum interaction or comment. Having an outlook in common or something about another user's words which particularly resonates with you, that makes first contact easier, helps breed a loose feeling of familiarity. (I feel like I'm waffling and have gone off subject. It's not even 7.30am and I've already been up an hour. Where is the caffeine? Ah yes, I drink decaf... 🤦‍♂️)

 

If I'm being messaged by somebody who has looked at my profile, I don't expect them to ask me basic questions to which they should already know (if I'm looking for a Domme, for example). And I expect to be spoken to with a level of respect the same way I would in the street or if I were messaging somebody. It isn't acceptable to dive straight in, and when somebody approaches but isn't interested in actually getting to know me then I find it more tiresome than anything else.

 

For a long time now most of my first messages have been to new users. If I spot somebody who has only been on the site for up to a couple of days and I have the energy and inclination I will make the effort to welcome them, ask if they are settling in alright and how they are finding the site. I'm fully aware that that we have our sharks among us and oft get anxious as to how our community might come across to a new member whose inbox is suddenly spammed with demanding messages and unwelcome pictures. I'll not pretend that when I have contacted them I haven't wondered if it might lead somewhere (if they have been local), but that is never my motivation. And for the most part my efforts have been appreciated; replies tend to be positive and thankful. Sometimes the exchange lasts only a couple of messages before I wish them well on the site and we don't engage again. Sometimes the user disappears after a few days, and on some occasions I'm happy to say I've stayed in touch with some lovely people who I've helped adjust to the site. So I have to sit on the side of the fence of it being okay to PM somebody without interacting with them first - what is important is how you do it, why, your reasoning and your authenticity. 

[SammyB]

6 hours ago, CowgirlJesse said:

I have the same conundrum- I want to meet, learn, and chat with people but have no idea how to actually "get myself out there"
I thought that online would be so much better since I have such bad social anxiety... but that seems to have transferred over anyway.
Maybe I'm presenting myself the wrong way.... ?
My attraction to the lifestyle is more seeking the psychological dynamic of D/s and the flow of trust and openness in the kink community.

It’s always tricky I think online no matter what the platform you use 

Clearly you’ve done some self reflection I’m sure at some point we have all wondered if how to present ourselves does impact the type of people we attract or message us 

I would say with regard to here probably very little 

I’m lucky enjoy to have a circle of friends from majority sub females and I would say we all look different,  our profile are different , our chat style and experience in this community all very different .........yet we all have very similar experiences with our inbox m type of messages we receive , so I wouldn’t look into that aspect when self reflecting  too much 

well I really do hope you find what you’re seeking and I’m sure you will find the right person who will intrigue your mind and make your body wait 

Sx 

 

[SammyB]

1 hour ago, Aranhis said:

The bottom line is no, it should never be different because it is online. I've seen so many people on various platforms try to use that defence, and it is a weak excuse for being a poor human.

 

I don't use the chat as it moves too quickly for me and I simply can't keep up when it is busy. When I was more active here in the forums I would often reach out to people with whom there was a commonality, a shared perspective, something extra (perhaps a personal touch) to be added to a thread but which might be out of place if all should see it. In recent months I find it more likely that somebody is more likely to reach out to me after a forum interaction or comment. Having an outlook in common or something about another user's words which particularly resonates with you, that makes first contact easier, helps breed a loose feeling of familiarity. (I feel like I'm waffling and have gone off subject. It's not even 7.30am and I've already been up an hour. Where is the caffeine? Ah yes, I drink decaf... 🤦‍♂️)

 

If I'm being messaged by somebody who has looked at my profile, I don't expect them to ask me basic questions to which they should already know (if I'm looking for a Domme, for example). And I expect to be spoken to with a level of respect the same way I would in the street or if I were messaging somebody. It isn't acceptable to dive straight in, and when somebody approaches but isn't interested in actually getting to know me then I find it more tiresome than anything else.

 

For a long time now most of my first messages have been to new users. If I spot somebody who has only been on the site for up to a couple of days and I have the energy and inclination I will make the effort to welcome them, ask if they are settling in alright and how they are finding the site. I'm fully aware that that we have our sharks among us and oft get anxious as to how our community might come across to a new member whose inbox is suddenly spammed with demanding messages and unwelcome pictures. I'll not pretend that when I have contacted them I haven't wondered if it might lead somewhere (if they have been local), but that is never my motivation. And for the most part my efforts have been appreciated; replies tend to be positive and thankful. Sometimes the exchange lasts only a couple of messages before I wish them well on the site and we don't engage again. Sometimes the user disappears after a few days, and on some occasions I'm happy to say I've stayed in touch with some lovely people who I've helped adjust to the site. So I have to sit on the side of the fence of it being okay to PM somebody without interacting with them first - what is important is how you do it, why, your reasoning and your authenticity. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your experiences it always interesting to hear how different people deal with  different situations 

it is especially good to get the perspective of both sides of the Ds coin 

because I’m sure dominants have their own experiences when it comes to poor  manners and etiquette when it comes to approach’s  

Sx 

 

[Deleted Member]

think it comes down to nature being yourself, you either make a new friend or crash and burn out, trying to be respectful, don't get me wrong i sent a spank out looking for clue 6 on the treasure hunt only to realise it wasn't that so i did send a sorry for the spank message, it comes down to manner's i personally think you're either going to get good banter or a polite no thanks or a block regardless of who you are, dominant, sub, etc,  be yourself and think how you would like to be spoken too if it was the other way around.

This is a great community love it, respect it and others too.

[Alistair1974]

I simply don't bother messaging anyone anymore. 

Chat appears to be run by a clique and as such it's pretty much pointless to drift through there and attempt interaction. 

Private messages invariably are never answered, unless of course with demands for ***.
 
I've been a member here well over a year this time. I log in occasionally on the off chance someone has passed by my profile. 

There was a thread which caused me huge amounts of giggles... espousing the idea that saying "hi" to someone was considered offensive! It constituted "lack of effort", and was therefore rude.  I found that hilarious. Especially here, where open-mindedness is supposed to abound. A "hi" in my opinion, serves more than adequately as an opening gambit. It denotes an interest in textual interlocutions after a profile visit, without being pushy. It allows the recipient the option to register the interest, visit the profile of the sender, and then decide as to whether to pursue it. As a guy on here, placing that option to engage, rather than *** upon someone a massive monologue which might not even be wanted (and thus an imposition upon A while a waste of time of B), is something that offers respect and courtesy. A returned "hi..." offers the chance for the original sender to expound what it is the contact has been initiated for, or a lack of it, gives out a clear "not interested".  It's the equivalent of a glance, a smile, and then a look down and back up again. A contact is initiated and signals are sent saying "ok... I see you..  now capture my interest!" 

So.. I simply don't bother anymore. I'm a guy with a love of words and someone who enjoys giving and putting effort into anyone who sparks my interest, but in all honesty it's not worth the effort on here. And as it's a numbers game too, where the guys outnumber lasses probably 100-1 it's statistically unlikely I'll pique an interest just from a picture within the vast menagerie of others, and thus...  i return through habit rather than hope. 

Well.. habit and the occasional encounter with lasses in stockings (with suspenders.. because hold ups are simply cheating!)

In a "community" that considers itself outside the norm by very definition, there's a hell of a lot of negativity that radiates from it. I can't help but wonder if that propensity to superimpose such things upon another, might speak to the psychological state of those wishing to see themselves as different, even within said "community".  

But then as a rock and metal fan...  I see something similar in the music community whereby the thrash fan disparages the nu metal fan, who hates the classic rock fan... rather than embracing the love of the encompassing blanket genre governing them all. So I'm not surprised. Just... disappointed. 

[SammyB]

24 minutes ago, Alistair1974 said:

I simply don't bother messaging anyone anymore. 

Chat appears to be run by a clique and as such it's pretty much pointless to drift through there and attempt interaction. 

Private messages invariably are never answered, unless of course with demands for ***.
 
I've been a member here well over a year this time. I log in occasionally on the off chance someone has passed by my profile. 

There was a thread which caused me huge amounts of giggles... espousing the idea that saying "hi" to someone was considered offensive! It constituted "lack of effort", and was therefore rude.  I found that hilarious. Especially here, where open-mindedness is supposed to abound. A "hi" in my opinion, serves more than adequately as an opening gambit. It denotes an interest in textual interlocutions after a profile visit, without being pushy. It allows the recipient the option to register the interest, visit the profile of the sender, and then decide as to whether to pursue it. As a guy on here, placing that option to engage, rather than *** upon someone a massive monologue which might not even be wanted (and thus an imposition upon A while a waste of time of B), is something that offers respect and courtesy. A returned "hi..." offers the chance for the original sender to expound what it is the contact has been initiated for, or a lack of it, gives out a clear "not interested".  It's the equivalent of a glance, a smile, and then a look down and back up again. A contact is initiated and signals are sent saying "ok... I see you..  now capture my interest!" 

So.. I simply don't bother anymore. I'm a guy with a love of words and someone who enjoys giving and putting effort into anyone who sparks my interest, but in all honesty it's not worth the effort on here. And as it's a numbers game too, where the guys outnumber lasses probably 100-1 it's statistically unlikely I'll pique an interest just from a picture within the vast menagerie of others, and thus...  i return through habit rather than hope. 

Well.. habit and the occasional encounter with lasses in stockings (with suspenders.. because hold ups are simply cheating!)

In a "community" that considers itself outside the norm by very definition, there's a hell of a lot of negativity that radiates from it. I can't help but wonder if that propensity to superimpose such things upon another, might speak to the psychological state of those wishing to see themselves as different, even within said "community".  

But then as a rock and metal fan...  I see something similar in the music community whereby the thrash fan disparages the nu metal fan, who hates the classic rock fan... rather than embracing the love of the encompassing blanket genre governing them all. So I'm not surprised. Just... disappointed. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond and being so candid with your thoughts

I too often wonder bout the community ...it’s speaks of being nonjudgmental and open and yet I would say that those who are very judgmental and make assumptions

I think chat has changed with the introduction on newer platforms

I do agree with much of what you are saying but that is the same on both sides of the Ds coin and there are challenges as either Dominant or sub when trying to interact

dare I say we are dinosaurs in many respects and our expectations for chat probably differ

I do think it’s sad many people appear to have stopped chatting and messaging

I had come across your profile earlier today and it was very interesting to read and it made a change from many who do bother

I digress as ever
Once again thank you for taking the time and sharing
Sx

[DevilsDoLL]

I would love to comment here if I may... if this is inappropriate please remove it and dm me

[DevilsDoLL]

So as a new person also after the hello 👋 when you ask honey honest what are you interested in or what’s your kink... do not then berate the person and soap box about how their particular tastes disgust you... that’s all ty

— Sincerely had hoped better!!
Dame

[SammyB]

25 minutes ago, DevilsDoLL said:

So as a new person also after the hello 👋 when you ask honey honest what are you interested in or what’s your kink... do not then berate the person and soap box about how their particular tastes disgust you... that’s all ty

— Sincerely had hoped better!!
Dame

Everyone is very welcome to share their views and opinions it a joy within the forum
Thank you for taking the time to share

[DevilsDoLL]

Ty

[Su****]

As you would communicate face to face.

[ey****]

In general I've so many thoughts.

There's a lot is hard, especially when you lack the face-to-face, the body language, the approach.  That you might make assumptions someone has a busy inbox and either doesn't want to hear from you or doesn't want a long-wielded message (nobody wants a lengthily opening message; make it brief but make it count) or send a message having no idea what assumptions will be made.

Because of that I often feel people get a bit disheartened putting 'effort' into a message to get no response or a rejection, so end up making these bog standard messages so that if they don't get a response they at least went to no trouble (ha!) 

On another site I messaged someone once who I knew socially. She didn't reply and I felt disheartened, however, the next time we saw each other socially she grabbed me and apologised for not replying that she'd just not had a good chance and anyway the answer was yes.  In that case it probably mattered less because we were people who knew each other socially.

So, no matter how good your approach is, there are 100 reasons why you might not get a response ranging from the other person just not being interested through to their own circumstances.

-

That said, I think there are too many who slack to the minimum effort.  Or come with assumptions that their heads can't cope with when their fantasy is shattered by reality.

It's a very simple logic.  Guys in particular assume their fetishes/fantasies are recipical and that if they want to do something, and there's a lady who likes that, then they will automatically want to do it with them.

But this generally comes over that they're more interested in the fetish/fantasy than the person and this is telling in their approach and why it's likely to fail.

-

I think there's also this thing in the head that they somehow turn people on sending overly sexual messages or stories about what they'd like to do.  I mean, it might be a touch sweeter if the same story wasn't sent to multiple people - but - still... you never impress people talking about your desires from the bat.

-

People often talk about how difficult it is for men, but I imagine moreso it's more difficult for women because reaching out either gets assumptions you're a scammer, or that you're absolutely ready to meet, like, immediately and will put out on the first date (be it dropping fetishes, knickers or to knees)

-

I very rarely reach out actually.  There's folk who, over time, I've looked at and then found multiple reasons why I am (probably) not what they are looking for - though sometimes I bite the bullet in a "hey, you're cool" kinda way - but I haven't done that in a wee while.

But, in itself, keeping it rare keeps it sincere also.

-

Similarly, it's very rare I get messages haha.  I have had people in the past say they thought I was famous (I'm not ;) ) or overly in demand (I wish!) but, y'know.

[Deleted Member]

With respect and a pinch of salt until you get to know them more.

[Deleted Member]

Having just swum the shark-infested waters that face the newbie member and emerged into the relative calm on the other side, I agree that it can be difficult knowing how to respond.


I am a mature, reasonably assertive person, but it took me a couple of days to get a feel for what was acceptable in this environment (same as any other) and to start telling the creeps where to go. God knows how a young or *** person would deal with it.


I don’t like blocking people, and prefer to deter those ejaculating unwelcome, lewd messages all over my screen by other means. One recent guy who was hammer-messaging me had to go though. If someone has replied nothing but the word ‘stop’ to your stream of bollocks and you still carry on, there’s something wrong in your head.

[Loverboiii_t0y]

I mean this one may have tripped a Lil with wording things but have never been derogatory by any means. (Also very awkward and discouraged as of late, so dont try as much anymore)

Only fakes have messaged me (besides some peoples helping with hunts)

I've tried to say hello in forums but the regulars just continue to chat with each other lol (not trying to attack, simply stating my experiences)