Is This What We Call Dominance Now?

[Ma****]

I have been scrolling Fet for years now, and I keep seeing the same pattern on repeat.

A woman makes a profile, throws up a few sexy pics on her knees, mouth slightly open, a bit of boob, a bit of ass, whatever.
And then her inbox and comments explode.

I have had a few matches show me screenshots of their inbox.
It is insane.

Hundreds of messages from “dominant” men that all look the same:

“Hey how are you?”

“You look so hot.”

“Good girl, daddy’s little slut.”

“I sent you a message, please reply.”

“I would destroy you, I would fuck your throat, I’d make you cry.”

Full porn scripts to a woman they do not know at all.


Then I go look at the comments under her pictures.
Huge, jacked, tattooed, “alpha-looking” guys literally begging for her attention in the same way.

No frame.
No self-respect.
No high standards
Just horny men worshipping a woman because she posted one horny picture.

These are the same men who proudly call themselves “Dominant”.

I honestly do not understand this.

How can you call yourself dominant when your whole energy towards her is basically:
“Please notice me, please talk to me, I will do anything if you just give me a scrap of attention”?

She does not have to prove anything.
She does not have to show character, loyalty, softness, care, nothing.
One sexy pic and she is instantly on a throne above their self-worth.

Meanwhile, in real life, when we talk about relationships, the man usually brings a lot more risk and weight to the table:

He is expected to lead and take responsibility.

He is usually the one who has to approach, take initiative and eat the rejection.

He often pays for most things or carries more financial weight.

He has to handle her chaos, shit tests, shields, moods.

He is expected to be the emotional container: the rock when she storms.

He is expected to protect her if there is danger, to stand in front when something goes wrong.

If they marry and divorce, he is often the one who loses more in court.

He usually risks more in terms of ***, assets, and time with *** if it all blows up.


The system is not exactly built in his favor.

Yet here we are, in the kink world, where one picture is enough for a thousand “Doms” to line up and worship like hungry puppies.

So my questions to the community are these:


1. What does dominance mean to you?

Is “dominant” for you just:

being the top in bed,

doing the spanking, the bondage, the rough sex, hair pulling, sadistic play,

putting on a role for a scene,


…basically, a bedroom costume you wear for a few hours?

Or is dominance for you:

a mindset,

a certain self-worth,

an energy that does not turn off when you close the app,

something that is there 24/7 (even if you also have softer, *** parts like any other human)?


Because for me, real dominance also shows outside the bedroom.

If she ignores you?
A dominant man does not chase and beg. He thinks: “Ok. She is not for me. Her loss.”
He keeps himself on his own throne and lets women prove they are worth his time, attention and protection – especially if she calls herself submissive.

A submissive woman who wants a strong man should not be the one on the throne from day one amd remain her position.
If a man truly leads, truly holds more risk, truly carries that weight, then she should be the one showing that she is worthy of his energy, not the other way around.




2. Do you see the same pattern on Fet, and how do you feel about it?

I am really curious how other people see this – both men and women.

If you are a Dom:
Do you feel the same confusion when you see “dominant” guys begging in comments and DMs?
Does that still look like dominance to you?

If you are a sub:
When you get flooded with messages and porn novels from men who know nothing about you…
Do you honestly experience that as dominance, or just as horny male hunger?


Outside of BDSM circles, when people talk about a “dominant personality”, they often mean calm, grounded, self-controlled, not easily impressed, not chasing.
But inside the BDSM world, it sometimes looks like “dominant” just means:
“I am very horny and I like to talk rough.”


---

3. The chat imbalance: who is actually submitting to whom?

There is one more pattern I keep seeing that I want to mention.

I have seen screenshots where a man sends an opening message and the woman replies very short and dry:

“Yes”

“No”

“Haha” / “hihi”

Or only an emoji


On its own, that is fine.
Low investment at the start can happen. Maybe she is shy, maybe busy, maybe she needs time to feel safe. No problem.

But what I see next is this:

She stays very low investment, giving one-word answers, emojis, or sometimes no reply at all…

…and he keeps writing giant paragraphs.

He keeps explaining how dominant he is, how big his dick is, how great he is with women, how much experience he has, what he would do to her, how special she is, how “different” she is from other girls – all that, while she barely gives him anything back.

At that point I personally would have stopped.
If she does not invest back, if she is not curious, if she does not ask anything, I simply move on.
It should not be a privilege for her to receive my time and energy. It should be a mutual choice.

But many “Doms” do not stop.
Even when she ignores them completely, they keep sending walls of text into the void.

So I ask myself:

Who is actually submitting here?

Who is being put on the pedestal?

Who is chasing, and who is being chased?


Because in my view, real dominance also means knowing when to stop investing.
It means you do not beg for attention from someone who clearly is not meeting you halfway.
It means you are willing to walk away instead of performing like a clown in her inbox, hoping she will finally throw you a little “hihi” as a reward.



4. Why a rare man is actually the prize

There is something else I want to point out.

On apps like this it often looks like the sexy or kinky woman is “the prize” by default.
She posts a few hot photos and instantly has:

endless male attention,

endless validation,

endless options for sex.


You see the same guys under every picture.
You see the same names in every comment section.
These men would fuck almost anyone they find hot. They are not selective at all.

The woman, on the other hand, can afford to be picky.
She selects. She filters. She chooses.

She can easily say “no” to 98% of men and keep only the top 1–2% in her mind as “relationship material” or “serious Dom material”.

But if she is truly that selective, and she finally chooses one man from that tiny percentage…

Then by definition, he is the prize.

Because from that moment on, he usually brings far more to the table and has far more to lose than she does:

He is expected to lead and take responsibility over time, not just for one scene.

He often carries more of the financial and practical weight.

He is the emotional container for her moods, doubts, storms and chaos.

He is the one who is supposed to protect her if there is danger.

If they move in together, marry, have kids, he often takes the bigger hit if things go wrong:
court, ***, house, time with ***, reputation.


A woman can leave and, if she is attractive, she will still have male attention the next day.
A good man with integrity, backbone and real dominance is rare. If she loses him, she cannot just replace him with the same quality in 24 hours.

So when I see the dynamic on this app flipped where the woman is treated like a goddess just because she has a hot body, and the men are the ones begging for her crumbs I have to ask:

If a truly strong, grounded, rare man is the one who:

takes the risk,

carries the weight,

and has the most to lose,


…why is he acting like the consumer, and she like the prize, purely because of a few sexy photos?
Not even effort filling in her bio.

If he is really that top 1–2% man she claims to be looking for, then he is the prize.
She should be showing that she is worthy of his time, energy and protection not the other way around.


---

So I would really like some honest, unfiltered answers:

Subs: do you respect a man more when he keeps writing novels after your “haha” replies,
or when he calmly steps back and lets you decide whether you want to invest too?

Doms: where is your line? When does “being patient and understanding” turn into
chasing someone who clearly does not value you?


And finally:

What does dominance mean for you personally and do you think the way many men behave in womens inboxes on Fet actually reflects that?

I am not trying to purposely step on people's toes. but then again in this 20th victim era some will always feel offended.

[Ka****]

Facts... and well said. It does need to be addressed. "Dominant" men need to stop acting like little bitches.

[po****]

You mean it isn't dominant because "big strong man want to fuck hard?" That isn't what dominance is all about?

Whaaaaa? (Shocked pikachu meme)

Interestingly enough, you'd be surprised how many "women seeking dominant men" seem to view dominance that way now too. And if the man isn't just going out saying "I want to overpower you" as every message, the girl claims you aren't dominant. Which ... Is an odd dynamic to be craving 24/7, but to each their own I guess.

[Me****]

Submissive women are not consumers in this dating economy. Yes, a truly Dominant man does not come into anyone's inbox talking about how "alpha" or dominant he is. It starts with careful consideration and measured responses, but the man waiting for submissives to just fall upon him because he is dominant is equally challenged.

Dominance means I am what my submissive needs to feel secure. To be free in herself and be able to come to me for anything (within my boundaries of course) I am shelter and storm as needed, to protect or wash away.

Dominance is poisoned by the right wing manosphere and toxic Masculinity. A true Dominant man is emotionally intelligent and empathetic and able to focus and tune in on what is needed.

Dominance and submission is a dance. The push and pull of emotions and need. Both partners are equally important. And the prize is neither of them, but the dynamic itself. The illusion of 1-2% thinking leads men to think they are somehow of more value than their submissive and therefore deserve the submission, from everyone. Which leads to the behavior you are talking about. See everyone as people first, and act accordingly. If you are good at your craft good things will happen.

[my****]

I’ve been thinking this for a while. To be honest I read about the first third, so hopefully I’m not agreeing with you going off the rails at the end. I watch pictures go up and they get 70 likes in a day. Many of these are going to be men who believe dominance is about finding easy women who will do what they say. You should have some faith that the submissives you want to attract see through that. The ones looking to enjoy a 50 shades experience well they will get caught in that trap. They’ll probably only get caught once or twice though. Yes your work will be harder because they’re now jaded to the experience but once you get past the walls and show that girl what she actually wanted, she’ll be yours. If it turns my stomach to see men begging for sex it must be a turn off from the women they are begging.

[on****]

No for real I’m definitely the prize they know what up social media is trying hard to make us compete as men and women things get out of hand if you don’t remind them you know they forgetful

[Se****]

11 minutes ago, mythicalman said:

I’ve been thinking this for a while. To be honest I read about the first third, so hopefully I’m not agreeing with you going off the rails at the end. I watch pictures go up and they get 70 likes in a day. Many of these are going to be men who believe dominance is about finding easy women who will do what they say. You should have some faith that the submissives you want to attract see through that. The ones looking to enjoy a 50 shades experience well they will get caught in that trap. They’ll probably only get caught once or twice though. Yes your work will be harder because they’re now jaded to the experience but once you get past the walls and show that girl what she actually wanted, she’ll be yours. If it turns my stomach to see men begging for sex it must be a turn off from the women they are begging.

You should’ve read the whole thing 

[CopperKnob]

Newsflash, our inboxes blow up even before we've written our bio/upload photo's
.
I have both questions and observations in response to your OP
.
1. What risk or weight are you, any of you bring to to table?
2. What are you protecting?
.
1. Men carry more 'financial weight' because of the gender pay gap
2.' Risks more in terms of assets', relationships arent transactional
3. The 'system' is built by men for men. Of you have an issue with it maybe do something about it
4. Yes! If we ignore you please leave us alone.
5. Chat on Fet shouldn't involve a power 'imbalance' there's no D/s relationship unless negotiated and agreed. S types are not able to give power to a D when they didn't have it to start with. Chats here should be based on equality.
6. Your screenshot provide no context to the initial message which are often low effort. You also appear to lack awareness to the fact that many of us respond with equal low effort in case we receive anger in response.
.
And that's as far as I got with the diatribe.

[CopperKnob]

30 minutes ago, Mercutioh said:

Submissive women are not consumers in this dating economy. Yes, a truly Dominant man does not come into anyone's inbox talking about how "alpha" or dominant he is. It starts with careful consideration and measured responses, but the man waiting for submissives to just fall upon him because he is dominant is equally challenged.

Dominance means I am what my submissive needs to feel secure. To be free in herself and be able to come to me for anything (within my boundaries of course) I am shelter and storm as needed, to protect or wash away.

Dominance is poisoned by the right wing manosphere and toxic Masculinity. A true Dominant man is emotionally intelligent and empathetic and able to focus and tune in on what is needed.

Dominance and submission is a dance. The push and pull of emotions and need. Both partners are equally important. And the prize is neither of them, but the dynamic itself. The illusion of 1-2% thinking leads men to think they are somehow of more value than their submissive and therefore deserve the submission, from everyone. Which leads to the behavior you are talking about. See everyone as people first, and act accordingly. If you are good at your craft good things will happen.

Thank you for a reasoned response!!!

[my****]

29 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

You should’ve read the whole thing 

It’s fortunate I a. Clarified my position and b. Am not generally concerned with unpopular opinions.

[Me****]

14 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Thank you for a reasoned response!!!

I try to be useful twice a week whether I want to or not 😉

[Ar****]

2 hours ago, MasterMoksi said:

No frame.
No self-respect.
No high standards
Just horny men worshipping a woman because she posted one horny picture.

These are the same men who proudly call themselves “Dominant”.

I honestly do not understand this.

How can you call yourself dominant when your whole energy towards her is basically:
“Please notice me, please talk to me, I will do anything if you just give me a scrap of attention”?

I'm not on board with everything you mention in your OP, but this? Thank you, I'm glad somebody said it.

[PL****]

So, I have been sitting here debating in my head whether this deserves a response as most of what you have stated seems to be a very toxic viewpoint. Im not sure who jaded or hurt you, but maybe, look at your viewpoint from someone else's perspective. My viewpoint is yes, men drop in my dms and often are extremely unsolicited in the way they approach me. I agree in the fact that as such these men, need to mature as irl a man would n9t be so bold as to walk up to a stranger and behave that way. It is unacceptable behavior.
Now to refute the statements that are rather biased. First, Men pay more in the beginning most often, however, do you realize what most women pay in order to become the beautiful person most men want/expect to be seen with? Second, within 6 months of most relationships the *** tends to be close to equal and the reason not equal is most 9f the time due to gender pay gaps.
Emotionally, the dominant does take responsibility for a submissives emotions, however, I know in my relationships there are times my partner has needed me to be their port in the storm and I stepped up every time.
When I give up my control and my partner(s) take over it's not that i cannot be in control. Hell I thrive being in control. It's literally I trust you enough that I dont need to be and my partner prefers that role within our relationship.
Your argument that men loose more in court when divorcing, is actually false. Studies in the U.S. and other countries show women’s standard of living and household income often drop roughly twice as much as men’s after divorce, partly because women are more likely to have interrupted careers and to waive some financial rights like pensions. Which also invalidates your argument concerning assists.
Oh and let's talk about your rant on how women leave men on read. And low impact responses. 99% of my conversations are extremely engaging for the first few hrs to days. Then slowly it dies down becomes less and less. This is generally the attitude of most I meet. It's about the new shiny thing, the *** of missing out, (if I had to guess) or how about the fact that I communicate extremely well, am upfront about what I am looking for, and am not easy manipulated, which is most women on here.
Oh and one of course cannot forget to address that women are also doms and men are also subs, so the behaviors you describe are only dominant men wnd submissive women? If thats true, then your saying that this behavior could never possibly occur when roles are reversed, yet you imply and ascertain that women are the issue in all of this online dating lifestyle mess that we (the individuals who actually understand our community or at least myself and some of my girly submissives who get this post) call our happy place when it's done right?
One last point that I feel must be made from someone who truly understands that this is not just about someones kinks, but an actual lifestyle. When someone doesn't give me their time, I do not give them mine. It must be reciprocal. As should everything. That's why it's often called a partnership.

[Th****]

This is a lot to go on. I do see the chase from "Doms" going too far in the direction of/from pathetic desperation and its giving disrespect to their hopeful sub of interest. It gives a potential showed their sexual tastes and I want that please look at me. Like only the sex makes the whole connection. It's weak.

As much as you're saying the submissive earns their place, absolutely a dom does too. Harsh doms seem to display that consideration for their subs and deference is submission of the dom.

Picture comments trend in exactly the way you mention, with no substance, Simply commenting "I'm gonna lick that body" is not the dominant statement you think it is.

Some are of course for that most simplistic dynamic of just raw sex and on your way, but that happens organically in the right established dynamic but isn't the foundation of the entire dom/sub relationship.

I will not talk to myself in their DMs what I will do is read what they want, and wont even select that person if something i have to reconform myself to provide. NOT just for a pretty face. Ill explore but honestly she should already have what I need, ither stuff can be explored

Id rather crank one out with sock full of pins, than be waiting in the wings or begging for attention in this way.

There's a lot you're touching a big internal subject for many doms. Many have it down. New doms can stuggle with this and its possible its something they might not get a hold on, for others its natural and difficult to fully explain.

[PL****]

7 minutes ago, TheDadFather said:

This is a lot to go on. I do see the chase from "Doms" going too far in the direction of/from pathetic desperation and its giving disrespect to their hopeful sub of interest. It gives a potential showed their sexual tastes and I want that please look at me. Like only the sex makes the whole connection. It's weak.

As much as you're saying the submissive earns their place, absolutely a dom does too. Harsh doms seem to display that consideration for their subs and deference is submission of the dom.

Picture comments trend in exactly the way you mention, with no substance, Simply commenting "I'm gonna lick that body" is not the dominant statement you think it is.

Some are of course for that most simplistic dynamic of just raw sex and on your way, but that happens organically in the right established dynamic but isn't the foundation of the entire dom/sub relationship.

I will not talk to myself in their DMs what I will do is read what they want, and wont even select that person if something i have to reconform myself to provide. NOT just for a pretty face. Ill explore but honestly she should already have what I need, ither stuff can be explored

Id rather crank one out with sock full of pins, than be waiting in the wings or begging for attention in this way.

There's a lot you're touching a big internal subject for many doms. Many have it down. New doms can stuggle with this and its possible its something they might not get a hold on, for others its natural and difficult to fully explain.

This was very eloquently put. All submissives are not what is being portrayed in the original post, hence my rant...but you are right is an equality and why try for someone/something less then you are comfortable with? I dont want my partner to do things they do want me to do and I don't want to do things im not comfortable with. If that is expressed clearly why waste time for a 1 time thing if you want more? And if you want less that is okay too, but know what you want set boundaries and respect the individuals you communicate with. I personally do not need a 24/7 dynamic in the sense of a LTR but I also can enjoy the benefits of a FWB relationship that provides many of the LTR dynamic because of communication and the desire to meet the needs of my partner with their desire to reciprocate to my needs.

[Je****]

@PLEASEandTEASEme I think sometimes as women we're taught not to make waves. I will create a whole damn tsunami if it means being treated the way I deserve. These men need to show us we matter to them for more than sex and their own gratification, and I'm quite sick of these self-proclaimed "alphas" whining like *** when things aren't the way *they* want them to be. Life and relationships don't work that way, and I'm kind of over being nice to people who think they're better simply because they possess a penis. GTFO with that grossness. I'm in my 40s and I'm not playing these games anymore. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove that I'm tougher than any of these so-called Doms whose egos can't fit in the room with anyone else.

Thanks for reading my rant! I guess I'm tired of all the "real Dom" lip service. Behavior speaks for itself. 💜

[PL****]

6 minutes ago, JenJen84 said:

@PLEASEandTEASEme I think sometimes as women we're taught not to make waves. I will create a whole damn tsunami if it means being treated the way I deserve. These men need to show us we matter to them for more than sex and their own gratification, and I'm quite sick of these self-proclaimed "alphas" whining like *** when things aren't the way *they* want them to be. Life and relationships don't work that way, and I'm kind of over being nice to people who think they're better simply because they possess a penis. GTFO with that grossness. I'm in my 40s and I'm not playing these games anymore. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove that I'm tougher than any of these so-called Doms whose egos can't fit in the room with anyone else.

Thanks for reading my rant! I guess I'm tired of all the "real Dom" lip service. Behavior speaks for itself. 💜

Yes! Yes! Yes! And it holds true for both doms and subs, male, female, Trans, les, bit, gay, straight. All of us experience negatives in online dating. All of us experience this horrible cycle. To say that this is female submissive behavior is insane to me. If u want to be a true dom, im taking applications. If not stay out of my dms! Read what I'm about my profile is there for a reason, but don't project your trauma/issues as my own or that of a sub group in which I rside within the community!

[PL****]

Just now, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

Yes! Yes! Yes! And it holds true for both doms and subs, male, female, Trans, les, bit, gay, straight. All of us experience negatives in online dating. All of us experience this horrible cycle. To say that this is female submissive behavior is insane to me. If u want to be a true dom, im taking applications. If not stay out of my dms! Read what I'm about my profile is there for a reason, but don't project your trauma/issues as my own or that of a sub group in which I rside within the community!

*Bi

[Je****]

Exactly!!!

[Ki****]

3 hours ago, Mercutioh said:

Submissive women are not consumers in this dating economy. Yes, a truly Dominant man does not come into anyone's inbox talking about how "alpha" or dominant he is. It starts with careful consideration and measured responses, but the man waiting for submissives to just fall upon him because he is dominant is equally challenged.

Dominance means I am what my submissive needs to feel secure. To be free in herself and be able to come to me for anything (within my boundaries of course) I am shelter and storm as needed, to protect or wash away.

Dominance is poisoned by the right wing manosphere and toxic Masculinity. A true Dominant man is emotionally intelligent and empathetic and able to focus and tune in on what is needed.

Dominance and submission is a dance. The push and pull of emotions and need. Both partners are equally important. And the prize is neither of them, but the dynamic itself. The illusion of 1-2% thinking leads men to think they are somehow of more value than their submissive and therefore deserve the submission, from everyone. Which leads to the behavior you are talking about. See everyone as people first, and act accordingly. If you are good at your craft good things will happen.

Well said from a "true dom". As a switch, I understand the desire for complete surrender. To feel safe with my male dom. But he has to gain my trust to surrender and deserve the service I provide him.
--
What you're describing "MasterMoksi" of yourself already shows that you're part of the toxic masculinity, masking as being a dom. Subs don't expect anything from a "dom" who isn't already a natural provider of CARE. If you can't provide a safe space for a sub to be completely free, then we simply don't come (or cum) to you at all.

[Er****]

I really enjoyed reading this.

Thank you very much

Very refreshing.

I agree xx

[Mi****]

Walking & talking 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I shall leave it at that.

[LadySusweca]

Some of these concepts are so simple that it baffles me how people just don't get it.
As a transgender woman I get some disgusting messages also. Men treating me like a fetish and forgetting that I am a person who deserves some dignity and respect.

[Th****]

2 hours ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

This was very eloquently put. All submissives are not what is being portrayed in the original post, hence my rant...but you are right is an equality and why try for someone/something less then you are comfortable with? I dont want my partner to do things they do want me to do and I don't want to do things im not comfortable with. If that is expressed clearly why waste time for a 1 time thing if you want more? And if you want less that is okay too, but know what you want set boundaries and respect the individuals you communicate with. I personally do not need a 24/7 dynamic in the sense of a LTR but I also can enjoy the benefits of a FWB relationship that provides many of the LTR dynamic because of communication and the desire to meet the needs of my partner with their desire to reciprocate to my needs.

It sounds like a you have your head on straight. Nice.

[wo****]

2 hours ago, JenJen84 said:

This post reeks of bitterness and red flags. Who hurt you? A few lines in, and all I felt was disgust towards someone who exhibits blatant chauvinism and contempt for anyone different from them. If you're not getting the effort you think you deserve from total strangers in an online chat, maybe what you're putting out there simply isn't attractive.

Or maybe it's just me, and I'm the only one who sees this rant as childish, immature, laying the blame of your own shortcomings on others, and - frankly - boring after the first few complaining paragraphs.

You want to know why a female submissive might not put effort in? Because they see through your BS. We are still our own people, and we don't owe you anything. We don't know you. Why should we interact with someone who sets off alarm bells or takes us to snoresville? If someone doesn't show the interest you hope for, wish them well and move on. You seem like a walking alarm.

I got about a paragraph in and see that you are making things up about me. It’s ridiculous.

I am responsible for what I say, not what you think I mean.

Your personal attacks are childish and not actual arguments. Men use fists to attack and harm. Women use words, words designed to attack a person’s character and to cause reputation destruction. It’s in no short supply here.

Grow up. If you want to argue with what I said I am happy to engage. Quote me then argue against the quote. When you conjure up things I didn’t say, or things you imagine about me you are arguing against an image of men in your mind.

You don’t know me. Yet you move in with personal character attacks immediately. At the same time you don’t even make an effort to argue with what I actually said. If you’re unsure what I meant by something it’s YOUR obligation as a grown up to put on your listening ears and ASK.

Instead you see words that put women in a negative light (which I actually referenced in my post) and you immediately go into attack mode in an effort to harm my reputation (which I also referenced in my post). You also make an effort to rally support around your personal attack against me.

Are you even capable of making rational arguments against ideas when they speak negatively about women? Or do you just see red and instantly go for the jugular while avoiding the actual ideas put forth?

Say negative thing about women- launch a ferocious personal attack against the man who had the nerve to say it. Anyone who engages gives credence to what you say doesn’t understand or care about rational arguments or debate.

And even if 100% of what I say is factually wrong, you use your words to point out how. Your character attack is something most people grow out of in childhood. It’s not a refutation of what I said.

As a grown up it’s incumbent upon us to treat people with respect even when we disagree with them. I guess you disagree with that too. Pleasurable exchange. Thanks