% kinky sex with vanilla partner?

[topo]

I keep wondering if my personal situation is rather strange or not. Of course there is no thing such as "the norm", but...

My long-time partner is vanilla but sometimes agrees with to play along with me without really feeling it. I love her to bits, but the whole begging and cajoling her into putting on the stuff I like feels almost like pulling teeth 😓

Some years ago we had a crisis and during a couple of months I had sex with other women, and one of them always wanted me to spank her. I didn't get any enjoyment out of it at all...the tables were turned on me so to speak.

I'd like to ask those of you in a committed long term relationship if this is what one simply has to adapt to? Is it extremely rare that the person you find you can live with for many years also shares your kinks?

[Wo****]

I'm currently living with Fen, been living with him 4 months now and it's absolutely magickal.

We're exploring exactly what our dynamic is it we've found, so far, that our kinks match. Personally I've tried things with him that before I'd hesitate at but with him I love.

I always said I don't want a partner, I still don't, never thought I'd live this easily with anybody. It wasn't planned, at all, or even thought about, it evolved out of circumstances but we are both the happiest we've been. Sharing kinks.... he had his own hard limits that he willingly surpassed and embraced because they were my kinks and vice versa. We have cast iron limits that we agree on, anything else is up for exploration.

 

Is it rare? Possibly. 

That said, it's down to communication and radical honesty.

[Iceangel]

Ultimately the answer is this.

Can you honestly live with only what you get?

I thought I could, it lead to resentment on both our behalf, he knew I wasn’t going to be fully satisfied and of course I wasn’t.

I was happy and I was satisfied, but not the way I desired.
Which ultimately lead to no sex altogether, not even basic vanilla missionary.

It took years to get there, but it happened slowly every day.

sometimes love alone will not be enough.

Please really think about it.

[kikmozz666]

From personal experience. I’ve left relationships. Because of it. Lucky that my long term ones. Were submissive. You can’t hide what makes you tick. Or it’ll eat you up. And cause arguments

[Deleted Member]

I was in a vanilla relationship for a long time, there was some kink at the beginning but it faded when she decided it meant something was wrong with her... I managed to survive but I realise now how much of my personality was being neglected. I don’t think I can go back to vanilla... It’s very hard though.

[Algolagnic]

I’ve always found it’s like the old saying... You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, submissive women are born that way not made or trained so if the submissive gene is not there to begin with.

[Deleted Member]

In my limited experience this is (one reason) why kinky people are often poly or non-mono. Because it’s tough to find that. Would your partner consider opening up the relationship? Does she realise it’s not just sex for you? Do you acknowledge that it’s an important part of you?

[Deleted Member]

Couldn’t agree more with iceangel. I lasted 17years with my other half. And at the end we had to get super drunk to do anything together. Although every now and then she would turn kinky and make me want more. Vanilla just wasn’t enough.

[ey****]

whatever happens going forward, something you will have to accept is she isn't into it

even as and when she puts on something or does something with you; she isn't enjoying it

So, what to do about it

Option 1

Accept this - and work with your relationship as it is

Option 2

Leave them - in the search for someone more accommodating to what makes you tick

Option 3

The conversation that you understand they don't like things you like - would they object to you seeking a casual relationship with someone who might

-

1 and 2 are the obvious polars and one to sit and think about which is more important

3.  If the answer is yes, don't expect people to immediately drop at your feet, it's still seeking and nurturing an extra relationship - and - if no, you're back to 1 and 2.

I guess there's also options 4 and 5

Option 4 

Cheat

Again like number 3, has the problem on finding someone to cheat with and the extra need for cloak and dagger and the consequences of being found out

Option 5

Pay a pro

Easier to find and more discreet. But obviously costs ***, you need to be careful on movement and, of course, the consequences of being found out.

[Eu****]

Dominant female submissive male by Sophia James, is an interesting read and outlines a strategic guide to bringing a partner to enjoy and want to participate in your scope sexually. It’s geared to submissive men obviously but the book is very generalized, all men should read it :)

[AL****]

I had a similar situation. The relationship dissolved fast. Craving kink and only getting vanilla sucks.

[Fe****]

Everything here hit so close to home for me. 
I have been in my current relationship for 14 years, after a bad experience with a dynamic I figured it was best to leave everything behind.
But now, it's killing me.
I need something he can't give me and I've tried to get him to 'explore' more. He's not into it.

[Ke****]

The biggest part of this is open communication. Patiently ask and share. You have to learn what each other likes through honesty. And trust takes a while, and both/all partners.

Lick their brain before you lick their body.

[topo]

Thank you all for your thoughts on this.

On 1/9/2021 at 3:38 PM, Iceangel said:

Can you honestly live with only what you get?

I had to think a while about that. If we're talking strictly sex, about fif*** years ago at 40 I never would have settled for 95% vanilla. I don't religiously believe in monogamy, but I gradually came to the conclusion that it's damn convenient when you find someone you can get along with, and it frees up time for a lot for stuff that’s even more important than satisfying fetishes (gasp). I’ve become flawed through trauma both physically and mentally, so just having some emotional stability has become more important than the atrezzo. If things fall apart (and often I feel we're not far from it) it will be because of other issues.

Edited January 10, 2021 by topo

[uk****]

Everyone here seems to agree communication is key and it is no matter what the situation. Ultimately it’s a choice for you in priorities.

As you have said you love her, she provides and emotional stability which you have prioritised to this point over other areas. Now you are maybe getting used to the stability you are starting to want more.

You know it’s not for her and that won’t change, you have those ideas and desires or you don’t, it’s not something you can teach it’s something naturally there or not. Communicate with her and where her desires and thoughts are on how to improve that side of things and then it’s back to your choice as to what’s important and right for you, 100 people on here will give you a 100 different answers because no one ever sees or thinks exactly the same.

Personally I have never had a partner 100% in line with everything, even in the best relationships there is something not aligned, but if you both have the same view on the priorities and what you can compromise on them you got a winner

[WillPutInWork]

My partner and I started our relationship in the last 2 months. She 8s/was super into kink/bdsm and I was/am "vanilla". We discussed what commonalities I had, when she asked me to sign up for a profile on Fetlife to look into the things she likes. I checked the "boxes" of things I was into and we found so much common ground that we now can play in those areas and satisfy needs for us both!

[topo]

On 1/14/2021 at 5:26 PM, WillPutInWork said:

We discussed what commonalities I had,

Glad you two did; I wasn't so smart. Having that kind of discussion very early on is very mature and practical. It gives both partners the chance to assess priorities before going deeper.

[fa****]

My hb is 100% vanilla, he does try every so often to indulge me in my fantasies but as you say when you know their heart isnt in to it, it takes the fun out of it x

[Deleted Member]

^^same. 1000% vanilla husband. Will indulge once in a blue moon. Then I end up with blue ovaries for months. It honestly takes the happy out of me.