Ghosting VS Blocking

[Ba****]

7 hours ago, Draporeon said:

Only a man would say such a thing. You're not accounting for all the times conversations have quickly gone South and the woman has left the conversation more scared than when she entered it

Right
All those times the poor defenseless woman has been beaten over the phone for not picking her words carefully in chat

May i remind you that “over text” is so distant and impersonal(aka safe) that people used to frown on people breaking up over it, and now men are literally asking for it just for the “wait, what happened??” of it all

I mean sure for in person interactions you have a point but,
really?? “women are to scared to text now” is what you are going with??

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Barthold said:

May i remind you that “over text” is so distant and impersonal(aka safe

the courts disagree btw.

There's what's known as "The Malicious Communications Act" and every civilised country has some form of variation on it.  It acknowledge that messages/texts/DMs are NOT just words on a screen.

People have literally killed themselves over "online bullying/harassment" - but hey "words on a screen"

I don't get how anyone could say something so fucking ignorant.

Mind, aside - from any form of words, ***, harassment - even petty insults.... do you know why women block/ghost instead of giving a reason?  Cos the guy is not worth replying to.  As simple as that. Not worth the effort.

[Ne****]

1 hour ago, Barthold said:

Right
All those times the poor defenseless woman has been beaten over the phone for not picking her words carefully in chat

May i remind you that “over text” is so distant and impersonal(aka safe) that people used to frown on people breaking up over it, and now men are literally asking for it just for the “wait, what happened??” of it all

I mean sure for in person interactions you have a point but,
really?? “women are to scared to text now” is what you are going with??

Not attacking anyone/any responses but wanted this response to go in the correct spot:

The *** comes from ANY INTERACTION with MEN and if you need to know why/how and or think there isn't any reason for such a thing, Look anywhere in our world or better yet TALK to your Mothers, ***s, Aunts, Cousins, Nieces but then, if *YOU* aren't a Safe Man to speak with about such things you may not get accurate responses.
Of course, Women can stick up for themselves, have and hold power, not devoid of any defenses and so forth, but that isn't what any of this is about.

Being accosted in print isn't any less psychologically damaging than physical trauma - the nervous system interprets them and any threat in a similar manner.

The annoyance, frustration, fatigue of such things weighs people down and changes how they perceive and act (respond, in person and in text.)

[Ne****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

the courts disagree btw.

There's what's known as "The Malicious Communications Act" and every civilised country has some form of variation on it.  It acknowledge that messages/texts/DMs are NOT just words on a screen.

People have literally killed themselves over "online bullying/harassment" - but hey "words on a screen"

I don't get how anyone could say something so fucking ignorant.

Mind, aside - from any form of words, ***, harassment - even petty insults.... do you know why women block/ghost instead of giving a reason?  Cos the guy is not worth replying to.  As simple as that. Not worth the effort.

Thank You For this.

[Ba****]

@eyemblacksheepand @NexumSange

“If you are having a conversation with someone and it doesn’t go the way you want it to, a simple explanation letting them know you don’t want to talk anymore is sufficient”- @acoolguy123
That is where this started
Is a bit far from *** caused by online bullying, don’t you think??

Don’t worry i get it
I’m a kind of chauvinist too
But we are talking about interaction a few levels below “reasonable ***”or the need for legal council
Are there some extreme people out there who warrant a drastic/no response, for sure most definitely but not super relevant to this particular piece of the conversation

[ey****]

There was a good thread a while ago. A lady had an issue. She was talking to someone. She no longer wished to talk to him because he was boring and it wasn't getting any better. She'd read all the "don't ghost, don't block" kinda crap and so had elected not to but was struggling to find a way out of this conversation. (and not responding wouldn't have been ghosting, no matter how much overdramatic sensitive guys claim otherwise) 

On the thread, a lot of the women were "yeah, you can just stop replying or hit block if he persists" but the men were very... they weren't "tell him the truth". Cos it turns out that replying "hey, sorry, I'm not interested - you're boring, bye" is something they would find devestating.   What they suggested was LYING. To let him down gently. "It's not you it's me" all that type of crap that protects a fragile ego (and does nothing for someone's communication development)

So there's a no win situation.

Of course. There is the middle ground. "I don't want to talk any more" - it feels simple and to the point. Doesn't hurt any egos, but sets a boundary (hitting 'not interested' does exactly the same thing) but actually it doesn't give closure, it doesn't give reason - it's still empty.

And if this wasn't sent alongside the 'no thanks' button - honestly, more often than not people will come back in with the "But why? Is it something I've done? What could I do differently? How can I improve?" and so honestly, most people who make a deliberate decision to not respond have been through that - and don't owe a stranger "good customer service" 

Anyone who thinks "I don't want to talk any more" is sufficient is extremely misguided. Even if that's how they FEEL they'd accept it - again, too many would not - so it's not worth the waste of words.

(I actually also feel a lot of ignoring is simply someone not got round to replying, or has gone through the slippage - oops, meant to get back to him and it's been a fortnight and it's been too long and arrgghhh. And then they notice the guy bitching about being ghosted and they just think "I was ***y busy") 

[wo****]

Yesterday at 02:32 PM, NexumSange said:

Not attacking anyone/any responses but wanted this response to go in the correct spot:

The *** comes from ANY INTERACTION with MEN and if you need to know why/how and or think there isn't any reason for such a thing, Look anywhere in our world or better yet TALK to your Mothers, ***s, Aunts, Cousins, Nieces but then, if *YOU* aren't a Safe Man to speak with about such things you may not get accurate responses.
Of course, Women can stick up for themselves, have and hold power, not devoid of any defenses and so forth, but that isn't what any of this is about.

Being accosted in print isn't any less psychologically damaging than physical trauma - the nervous system interprets them and any threat in a similar manner.

The annoyance, frustration, fatigue of such things weighs people down and changes how they perceive and act (respond, in person and in text.)

*** is an internal response: a physiological and cognitive reaction to perceived threat. You can feel *** even when no actual danger exists (e.g., watching a horror movie, imagining a scenario) — or fail to feel *** when danger is real (e.g., adrenaline suppressing *** in emergencies).

In other words, *** is about perception and anticipation, not reality. It’s adaptive: it helps you avoid threats, but it can also misfire.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think the typical woman would say it like you, the all caps on any interaction. If that’s your personal experience I can certainly understand but that’s not the same for everyone.

Danger is an external fact: a real, measurable threat in the environment. It exists whether you feel it or not. For example, standing on the edge of a cliff without a railing is objectively dangerous.

Past trauma can shift the way we react to perceived threats. We don’t just feel *** because of the situation we are in, the signal gets amplified because the body remembers the past trauma.

Sudden, unexpected, loud noises trigger a reaction within me and I show a startle type response when everyone around me responds differently. They take it in stride and don’t show any external signs that they were impacted like I was.

[Al****]

I connected with someone or thought that I had.
He has changed everything and it does sting..
But why can't these a**holes just man up and speak the truth.
What's funny is they call us women drama queens...
I CALL BULLSH*T
GROW A PAIR, GUESS
IM HERE FOR SOME ACTION
NOT SOME WHINING LITTLE THING

[Ba****]

14 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There was a good thread a while ago. A lady had an issue. She was talking to someone. She no longer wished to talk to him because he was boring and it wasn't getting any better. She'd read all the "don't ghost, don't block" kinda crap and so had elected not to but was struggling to find a way out of this conversation. (and not responding wouldn't have been ghosting, no matter how much overdramatic sensitive guys claim otherwise) 

On the thread, a lot of the women were "yeah, you can just stop replying or hit block if he persists" but the men were very... they weren't "tell him the truth". Cos it turns out that replying "hey, sorry, I'm not interested - you're boring, bye" is something they would find devestating.   What they suggested was LYING. To let him down gently. "It's not you it's me" all that type of crap that protects a fragile ego (and does nothing for someone's communication development)

So there's a no win situation.

Of course. There is the middle ground. "I don't want to talk any more" - it feels simple and to the point. Doesn't hurt any egos, but sets a boundary (hitting 'not interested' does exactly the same thing) but actually it doesn't give closure, it doesn't give reason - it's still empty.

And if this wasn't sent alongside the 'no thanks' button - honestly, more often than not people will come back in with the "But why? Is it something I've done? What could I do differently? How can I improve?" and so honestly, most people who make a deliberate decision to not respond have been through that - and don't owe a stranger "good customer service" 

Anyone who thinks "I don't want to talk any more" is sufficient is extremely misguided. Even if that's how they FEEL they'd accept it - again, too many would not - so it's not worth the waste of words.

(I actually also feel a lot of ignoring is simply someone not got round to replying, or has gone through the slippage - oops, meant to get back to him and it's been a fortnight and it's been too long and arrgghhh. And then they notice the guy bitching about being ghosted and they just think "I was ***y busy") 

Argh i always hated this “it’s not, it’s me”-deflection crap, it’s almost(in some rare cases it’s actually “i’m not sharing this with you”-level personal reasons) guaranteed to be a lie i personally find to be more insulting(but also vastly more understandable from a lone individual in person, for obvious safety reasons that don’t really exist the same way over text)
But then again i’m not really a ego and feelings kind of guy, so i’m honestly coming at this from “wait, what happened?? Did i do something??”-guys perspective, when an actually happening personal conversation just abruptly ends for no apparently reason
And yes “you boring/rude, don’t feel like this is’ll go anywhere or turned out to be not for me” are valid reasons, 2 of which i could work on if i knew about it and all can be simply a matter of preference but i understood the “block”-function to be precisely for everyone who would keep pushing, so i will keep leaning towards if you have a reason it’s “rude” to not state that reason(regardless how petty or minor it may be)
Such common courtesy being increasingly considered “not worth the waste of words” is part of the reason it’s not all that common anymore and there is also a problem with adjusting the treatment of the “inoffensive average guy”, regardless how nice, bland, polite and/or generally forgettable, to adapt to the “so bad you can’t afford to forget” minority of d**kheads, most people are just “normal” people after all
Ps: not sure if i said it anywhere but i too operate under the assumption that until there has officially been an agreement nobody owes anything to anyone so all of this is less meant as “you have to X” and more “it would be nice(-er) to…”

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Barthold said:

And yes “you boring/rude, don’t feel like this is’ll go anywhere or turned out to be not for me” are valid reasons, 2 of which i could work on if i knew about it and all can be simply a matter of preference b

I feel one of the other issues is kinda...

I think again conversations come to an end for multiple reasons.  Sometimes actually isn't something either have done wrong as such.  Last summer, for example, I was chatting with someone and I let her know I'd be away for a few days and when I came back I was *insanely* busy, she wasn't my top priority to get back to.  There's stuff I'd put as "hands up, that's on me" and I had this other issue as time past that the longer it went on, the harder it was to get back in touch.  On the flip, mind, she didn't message me either. And could at any time if twitchy ask if I'd had a good few days away.  I imagine the issue she also then had was the longer it went for her the worst it got; so comms broke down.

I think similar happens an awful lot that perhaps one person does get a little overly busy and means to get back to someone (maybe even thinks they did!) and the other person prompting could result in the convo picking back up.

But anyhow... I think when there's a genuine decision to end a conversation - do you let them down gently (i.e. lie) do you try something vague/open-ended ("I don't think we're right for each other") or just bluntly tell them the reason.  Mind, consider, what one person considers boring another might find sweet, so it's not even good feedback.

But this leads to the issue. Someone decides they've had enough of a conversation but is STILL expected to put in effort in feedback/mentoring/etc - which might be especially harsh if they weren't the one who opened comms in the first place. It does become "I messaged you therefore you owe me your time" - they do not. This is called entitlement.

Buuuut also. Fittingly a post came up earlier which I think rings true... "Recently heard 'it costs nothing to be nice' at a meeting. And I strongly disagree. Continuing to be nice to people with harmful/toxic behaviours only creates a reward feedback loop encouraging them. And that is a heavy cost indeed"

I think perhaps, if someone IS finding they are repeatedly getting blocked, or conversations dying, or so on - the person actually responsible for their own learning and growth is, well, them..... 

[wo****]

It’s simple. It’s emotional immaturity, and cowardice. It is sickening, and damaging for the person who is the target of such behavior, especially when they have time, effort and emotional attachment. People are just not responsible enough anymore. I’ve been blocked, ghosted and there is no reason for anyone to do this, to anyone. The people who do it have an avoidance issue, and they want to be responsible for the end of a relationship, situtionship, FWBship, whatever it may be. As for red flags, listen carefully, and watch actions. Things like communication failure, or lack of communication, grandiose behavior, excessive apathy, involvement with multiple partners(not a bad thing for short term, but it’s nothing more than enabling other options for the person to run when they need to) and the way they feel about themselves. Those are some red flags I have seen in my experience with being blocked, or ghosted. Bottom line is: if they wanted to they would, they would do it to anyone they get close with. They don’t know how to handle their own feelings and emotions, so they choose to deceive others, and they wait for their next opportunity. You got blocked and ghosted because they cant face their feelings without being triggered or hurt. You have to let them go because they are damaged, and they don’t have any reason to be in any type of relationship.