Help with Knowing My Sexual Identity

[Ambient22]

Hello everyone,

First-time poster here. I'd really like to get some perspectives on clarifying my sexual identity, since I feel a bit unique and lost. I'll talk a little bit of what I fantasize about, and hopefully you all can help me find some labels for it. I know language is just words, but it is important for me to have labels for my own clarity and to communicate to my future partners. I'm a straight male, by the way:

 

1. physically, I like being both gentle and firm. I sometimes like spanking, pinning, or grabbing my partner's ass, but I'm not into super hardcore things. In this sense, I guess I'm a dominant as well. 

2. mentally, in terms of who is in charge, I tend to like being the leader or director. I don't like being told what to do. I like telling her to get on the floor, or get on her knees, etc. In this sense, I guess I'm a dominant. However,

3. mentally, in terms of dirty talking in a purely descriptive sense (not commanding sense), I often times fantasize when I'm masturbating about saying things like, "dominate me" or "own me" or "I love how strong you are" or "you're such a stud."  Or I may ask her to spank me or squeeze my ass. Keep in mind that, if I say something like dominate me, I don't want her to tell me what to do or to bind me or anything. 

What am I? I mean I've heard the terms Dominant, Submissive, and Switch. I've also heard topping from the bottom. Switch may sound about right, but I always thought a switch would be both dominant and submissive in all types of play. I'm purely dominant some places, and somewhat submissive in others. It's almost like I'm a dominant in reality, submissive in fantasy? 

Any help would be very much appreciated.

PS I should add that I think some parts of me likes worshipping girls. I also feel a lot of conflict about being submissive at all. It turns me on in a sense yet it also makes me angry in a sense and makes me want to re-assert my dominance.

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I think you're a soft Dom. With certain limits which you can accept, but that may only be until u start experiencing more, then you're desires may change, no one had always had one specific id. At the moment I say a soft Dom.

[Ky****]

as a first time poster, don't worry about labels, like you i felt confused for years, just let things grow and develop- just call yourself a member of the kinkster community who's still developing until you find a label your really comfortable with

[Deleted Member]

You’re getting angry about the submissive feelings? Maybe it would help to just examine why and sit with them for a while. And examine why you need to label yourself or how you play. I’ve been trying to do this and it helps me feel more at peace with who I am and what I need.

[Wo****]

Sensual domination.

 

 

[Carnelian2]

I like a Dominant woman (submissive) and I am a rigger (Top). I have given up finding a label

[Ambient22]

I appreciate the responses. I may have misspoke a bit. I know labels are not super important in and of themselves. I am more just trying to figure out my style and how to communicate it to others. Since there are people on here who are more experienced and knowledgeable about the subject, I thought maybe I could get some feedback. Maybe what I described is not that uncommon and so I can read into it more and learn about it.

[Deleted Member]

I think labels are important. I also think the word ‘label’ has become toxic because of discussions surrounding neurodiversity and children. Label is just another word for noun and without nouns, we couldn’t communicate. I completely understand your need to find the labels that will help you to talk about your kink because finding my labels changed my life. 

[Ambient22]

On 1/30/2021 at 6:52 PM, Lockfairy said:

I think labels are important. I also think the word ‘label’ has become toxic because of discussions surrounding neurodiversity and children. Label is just another word for noun and without nouns, we couldn’t communicate. I completely understand your need to find the labels that will help you to talk about your kink because finding my labels changed my life. 

Thanks, so do you have any ideas?

Edited February 1, 2021 by Ambient22

[Ambient22]

On 1/30/2021 at 3:24 AM, Curvykate said:

You’re getting angry about the submissive feelings? Maybe it would help to just examine why and sit with them for a while. And examine why you need to label yourself or how you play. I’ve been trying to do this and it helps me feel more at peace with who I am and what I need.

Good point. Well how would most doms react to being or imagining being submissive?

In my case, it might be that I'm a dom, or maybe I'm mostly dom with some sub desires but being sub feels weak. I'm sure growing up around some traditional masculine influences has to do with some of the anger. So maybe there is a sub part of me that wants to play. But I also think I am somewhat authentically dom. Also, can't anger just be a normal part of some people's turn ons? Or do you think anger is never really helpful, while power can be?

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Ambient22 said:

Good point. Well how would most doms react to being or imagining being submissive?

In my case, it might be that I'm a dom, or maybe I'm mostly dom with some sub desires but being sub feels weak. I'm sure growing up around some traditional masculine influences has to do with some of the anger. So maybe there is a sub part of me that wants to play. But I also think I am somewhat authentically dom. Also, can't anger just be a normal part of some people's turn ons? Or do you think anger is never really helpful, while power can be?

Doms who get angry easily are IMO not good doms. There’s no place for anger when a sub has put their trust in you. I can see that you’re trying to express your feelings and work through this - “being sub feels weak” - have you really spent any time thinking about d/s and what the power exchange really means? It might be worth doing some reading.

[Deleted Member]

I find it interesting that you seem to crave submission somewhat whilst recoiling from it because you feel it’s weak. I think you need to confront the idea that submission is weak. Where does it come from? Is it based in reality or has it been imposed on you?

To my mind, a confident man/Dom embraces everything about himself and accepts it as part of who he is. He doesn’t allow societal norms to influence how he feels about himself or to stop him acting as he needs to to feel fulfilled.

If I might make a suggestion, I think you would benefit from experiencing what it feels like to submit to another person. You might discover it’s not something for the weak-at-heart, after all. It might change your attitude to submission and allow you to embrace that part of you that clearly is trying to make itself heard.