Casual guys vs serious relationship guys

[Mi****]

Question for the women here:
It feels like some guys women can be into for casual dating, hookups, FWB, and/or serious relationships while others they are only interested in serious relationships with. So, if guys who are among the latter their only chance to get with any women is if they are into/looking for serious longterm relationships.

Do women usually only go for casual stuff with a certain type of guy and expect more commitment from all others? TIA for sharing your thoughts on this

[La****]

I think a lot of ppl ended up settling for that method bcs ppl in general already afraid of commitment. Personally, I don’t do that. I only approach people with the exact preference I wanted. Any type of ‘leading someone’s on and let’s figure it out later’ is time consuming and it mostly would fail anyway. Go for the people with the same goals as you. It minimizes the risk of unnecessary heartbreak.

[JW****]

Yes. Women do all sorts of things for and with guys they would love to husband-up. But that quotient of men won't husband. Women look for sensible men who will husband-up when they want a husband. Deep down inside -for many- the latter is not their first choice for either.

[ca****]

9 hours ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

Question for the women here:
It feels like some guys women can be into for casual dating, hookups, FWB, and/or serious relationships while others they are only interested in serious relationships with. So, if guys who are among the latter their only chance to get with any women is if they are into/looking for serious longterm relationships.

Do women usually only go for casual stuff with a certain type of guy and expect more commitment from all others? TIA for sharing your thoughts on this

Or maybe it just isn't that polarized?  Although as you say, to you it seems so (at present).

[Go****]

Almost every woman will give likely you a different answer.

Answering for myself, I don’t do hookups/fwb/casual, nor do I look to ‘husband-up’ anyone.

When connecting with people I look for a certain ‘type’ (intellectual, emotionally intelligent, funny, consistent etc), but that type remains, regardless of the type of connection-friend or romantic.

There are so many different types of people, and all have different needs and desires. There may be some women that date in the way you described, but it’s highly unlikely that all women do.

[Sk****]

Guys do it, too.

If anyone is looking for more casual temporary instant gratification, then physique, style, and confidence matter more, while maturity/personality need only be tolerable for now, and career/hobbies/lifestyle are largely irrelevant.

However, those deficiencies are why those flings dont last long. people get bored of thots and fuckbois, (and their drama) so then prioritize level headed people with the LTR vibes, and settle in the other areas.

Best strategy: work on yourself in all areas. Invest in having disposable income (not to flaunt it, but just so finances arent a problem. Do the emotional work and growth. Hit the gym and start wearing pecs and biceps (also not to flaunt, but so its not an issue).

The hookup culture people keep coming back because you have it all. The LTR people find a very pleasant surprise when they get your clothes off in the bedroom and want to spend more time there. There is a label for most of these people, its "taken". They are hard to find. Its also a lot of work to become that person but it IS something you can deterministically do.

Maybe they are less rare and more available with the rise of poly/enm these days, though many still dont like sharing.

[Lo****]

As someone who makes it clear that im looking for LTR, I get dm's constantly from those expecting something instant and short-term. I want soul connection. Its their energy, their vibe, their spirituality that matters. Some even get angry, rude, and can't hold a conversation. Some will just lie. It's har.

[Mi****]

1 hour ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

Almost every woman will give likely you a different answer.

Answering for myself, I don’t do hookups/fwb/casual, nor do I look to ‘husband-up’ anyone.

When connecting with people I look for a certain ‘type’ (intellectual, emotionally intelligent, funny, consistent etc), but that type remains, regardless of the type of connection-friend or romantic.

There are so many different types of people, and all have different needs and desires. There may be some women that date in the way you described, but it’s highly unlikely that all women do.

Hmm. Well thank you for your reply. I guess I could share that for me women have almost always been interested in me only as the husband material. And my opinion is the same as JWillYtteralde that the husband material type are not women’s first choice, it’s more like a settling for something that gives them stability at the sacrifice of the guy being sexy or hot or desirable or even good looking. And, where this is especially a problem for me is that I am not interested in longterm serious monogamous relationships, so there’s this disconnect between what I want and what women seem to want me for. I so much wish I were a guy women looked at as, as SkipperVa points out, instantly gratifying type who has the physique, style, confidence, etc. that make women actually want me and not just want me for the stability and husband material stuff. It literally is on my mind so much that I can’t focus on other daily life things. Like all I can think about is how much I wish I were or even could be the sexy type rather than the bland responsible, stability type. It feels like my only hope is to cut the thought of having any relationships with women out of my mind, but I hesitate a lot to do that because that seems like it’d be a lonely, sexless life that’d be just as hard to live

[Sk****]

26 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

Hmm. Well thank you for your reply. I guess I could share that for me women have almost always been interested in me only as the husband material. And my opinion is the same as JWillYtteralde that the husband material type are not women’s first choice, it’s more like a settling for something that gives them stability at the sacrifice of the guy being sexy or hot or desirable or even good looking. And, where this is especially a problem for me is that I am not interested in longterm serious monogamous relationships, so there’s this disconnect between what I want and what women seem to want me for. I so much wish I were a guy women looked at as, as SkipperVa points out, instantly gratifying type who has the physique, style, confidence, etc. that make women actually want me and not just want me for the stability and husband material stuff. It literally is on my mind so much that I can’t focus on other daily life things. Like all I can think about is how much I wish I were or even could be the sexy type rather than the bland responsible, stability type. It feels like my only hope is to cut the thought of having any relationships with women out of my mind, but I hesitate a lot to do that because that seems like it’d be a lonely, sexless life that’d be just as hard to live

Bruh, you absolutely -can- do it.

[Mi****]

8 minutes ago, SkipperVa said:

Bruh, you absolutely -can- do it.

How?

[Mi****]

40 minutes ago, Justin555 said:

Women only care about themselves and what they want not what others want. Women are the selfish creatures of the world

Please keep your inconsiderate, ignorant, and misguided opinions to yourself. There’s no place for this type of mindset, especially on an app like this

[Sk****]

1 hour ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

How?

Eat clean, high protein, low cal. Lift MWF. Cardio TThS. Rest sunday. Prioritize good sleep. You arent obese, or overweight, you already have some muscle and tattoos, ffs, youre half there, way ahead of most guys. just chisel some more, ez. Muscles+tattoos to many women are basically what tits and ass are to many men. Hybrid Calisthenics youtube and free routine on website are a positive place to start.

[Ju****]

Females are the problem

[Mi****]

18 minutes ago, SkipperVa said:

Eat clean, high protein, low cal. Lift MWF. Cardio TThS. Rest sunday. Prioritize good sleep. You arent obese, or overweight, you already have some muscle and tattoos, ffs, youre half there, way ahead of most guys. just chisel some more, ez. Muscles+tattoos to many women are basically what tits and ass are to many men. Hybrid Calisthenics youtube and free routine on website are a positive place to start.

That’s good advice. Thank u. Truth is Ive been eating clean, high protein, low cal for years. Got back to working out last year. I do a little cardio and lift 5x a week. I greatly appreciate the enthusiasm and support—you’re the type of dude guys are lucky go have around 😎 Despite doing all these things and more they still don’t seem to translate much for me. Not gonna say no women are into me, that’d be demonstrably untrue; but definitely pretty rare and nowhere near what it’s like for other guys I envy. Like I said, I seem to attract women as the stable husband material type and almost never as the sexy turn-them-on type. There’s some disconnect and I have never understood it. Idk if it’s the freckles or the glasses or the dorky/nerdiness or the gingerish leaning hair and beard or the being empathetic and caring or the laidback attitude or the holding back and being more chill socially cause I’m not demonstrative type, I’m pretty soft spoken and deeply intellectual so I’m super self aware, or it could be a number of other things. Trying to figure out which it is to change it but usually I do hear what u are saying, that I’m pretty well off. It’s super confusing why that rarely seems to pay off for me though like ud expect or like i see it do for other guys. I put in way more effort than most guys I meet or know but have just as much or often less success and draw less interest from women than they do. That makes everything especially problematic then because then it seems to be more telling about there being some deficiency that’s just a bigger part of who i am at my core and basically to change that would need to give up who i am and just completely sell myself out and alter every part of my being to be wanted in a way that matches the qualities i do know for certain i have

[la****]

2 hours ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

Hmm. Well thank you for your reply. I guess I could share that for me women have almost always been interested in me only as the husband material. And my opinion is the same as JWillYtteralde that the husband material type are not women’s first choice, it’s more like a settling for something that gives them stability at the sacrifice of the guy being sexy or hot or desirable or even good looking. And, where this is especially a problem for me is that I am not interested in longterm serious monogamous relationships, so there’s this disconnect between what I want and what women seem to want me for. I so much wish I were a guy women looked at as, as SkipperVa points out, instantly gratifying type who has the physique, style, confidence, etc. that make women actually want me and not just want me for the stability and husband material stuff. It literally is on my mind so much that I can’t focus on other daily life things. Like all I can think about is how much I wish I were or even could be the sexy type rather than the bland responsible, stability type. It feels like my only hope is to cut the thought of having any relationships with women out of my mind, but I hesitate a lot to do that because that seems like it’d be a lonely, sexless life that’d be just as hard to live

I know this is hard to believe until you’ve experienced it, but it honestly is 90% mindset. Looking at your pictures, you are an attractive guy physically. But your posture and energy you are giving in the photos reads as submissive to me, so you may find an easier time attracting more dominant women.

But if you’re not actually submissive at all and feel like you want to cultivate a more charismatic dominant presence, that’s all internal. It’s not about any particular fashion or style, it’s about you *having* a personal style and authentic confidence that comes from knowing yourself deeply.

When you love yourself and can look at yourself in the mirror and be like “Damn I look good” or “Aint nothing wrong with that *finger guns to yourself*” and genuinely feel that way and believe it, that energy radiates outward and other people are influenced by it. A lot of what people perceive as sexy is energy and confidence, but it has to be authentic. Are you comfortable with yourself and your sexuality? Do you know your values and beliefs? What you’re really good at and where you want to grow? Are you comfortable expressing what you want without apology? If not, why not? Work on these things. Surround yourself with people who see the best in you and believe in you. Stay away from toxic negative spaces and people who put you down or make you feel hopeless bc they want company in their own misery.

[Mi****]

1 hour ago, ladivina said:

I know this is hard to believe until you’ve experienced it, but it honestly is 90% mindset. Looking at your pictures, you are an attractive guy physically. But your posture and energy you are giving in the photos reads as submissive to me, so you may find an easier time attracting more dominant women.

But if you’re not actually submissive at all and feel like you want to cultivate a more charismatic dominant presence, that’s all internal. It’s not about any particular fashion or style, it’s about you *having* a personal style and authentic confidence that comes from knowing yourself deeply.

When you love yourself and can look at yourself in the mirror and be like “Damn I look good” or “Aint nothing wrong with that *finger guns to yourself*” and genuinely feel that way and believe it, that energy radiates outward and other people are influenced by it. A lot of what people perceive as sexy is energy and confidence, but it has to be authentic. Are you comfortable with yourself and your sexuality? Do you know your values and beliefs? What you’re really good at and where you want to grow? Are you comfortable expressing what you want without apology? If not, why not? Work on these things. Surround yourself with people who see the best in you and believe in you. Stay away from toxic negative spaces and people who put you down or make you feel hopeless bc they want company in their own misery.

You would make an amazing psychologist if you aren’t one already! This is amazing feedback, and so clearly and pointedly written. I really appreciate it—thank you!

That really sucks that I come off as submissive. In terms of kink I’ve been submissive almost all of my sexual life and women always tell me I’m the most dominant guy in bed they’ve been with. In terms of confidence I hold back for *** of being narcissistic or coming off as too arrogant or egotistical. But maybe that has something to do with what you said about toxic people in misery. Most people I’m around have no problem talking about themselves and also self promoting and vying for attention. That’s just never been me, but maybe I should be this way…either that or keep trying to keep away from these people and continue to be humble (I’m naturally the more quiet greatness type).

To be frank, I do think deep down I am badass, look hot, am desirable to most women, and on and on. I actually have so many qualities that it feels like I’m bragging anytime I bring them up. In terms if childhood traumas, I was a very good athlete when I was young and I loved the feeling of being admired and impressing people with my skills. I was even a bit of a show off at times and basked in the attention, sometimes even doing things to draw more attention my way. My mother, I think afraid of me becoming a narcissist (she had her own narcissism issues) would get on me or roll her eyes and criticize me for being too cocky, as she saw it. I’ve been wondering if maybe I internalized cutting myself down whenever I feel confident about something on account of being made to feel like my confidence was a bad thing when I was just a kid 🤷🏼‍♂️

No one owes me any help fixing or improving myself, but if you’re open to discussing all of this further it would mean a lot to me. DM me if you are. But either way, thank you a ton for sharing this valuable input.

[Ma****]

I don't want casual with anyone

[an****]

I think it depends. In my background lots of women are raised to be more relationship oriented, so it is difficult to leave this mindset. But there are others that can and enjoy hookups, even more than serious relationships

[Mi****]

26 minutes ago, anyabr32 said:

I think it depends. In my background lots of women are raised to be more relationship oriented, so it is difficult to leave this mindset. But there are others that can and enjoy hookups, even more than serious relationships

That’s a really good point I hadn’t considered. Thank you. Women have been conditioned to think of noncommittal relationships as a negative.

I meet a lot of women like this who kind of hint that they are still interested and curious about being casual but just need a little support and boost. But I usually feel like a bad influence and like I am corrupting or manipulating them if I push at all or try to lead them in exploring their curiosity around possible casual relationships. It’s like I can’t tell for sure they are hinting at this and then if they’re not and I lead towards this that feels pretty messed up. Also I am very much against guys who manipulate situations like when guys will fake being interested in longterm just to get laid and that would feel a bit like this to me if I were to interpret they want to be led when really there was a misunderstanding and they thought it was going some other way

[be****]

Omgosh I just got in here but after hearing the negative comments I don’t know if I’ll stay. I’m not on here to compete with anyone. I’m too old for childish games. I thought I had finally found a group that thought about sexuality the same way I do. I was so relieved. My whole life along with a few others thought we were the only ones and I was ecstatic to find this. Now after I look around a bit I may just get off. I also don’t have a Pollyanna attitude about this. I have had men try to scam me all the time but I realize they aren’t all that way. This man seems to dislike women on here so why are you still on?

[an****]

53 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

That’s a really good point I hadn’t considered. Thank you. Women have been conditioned to think of noncommittal relationships as a negative.

I meet a lot of women like this who kind of hint that they are still interested and curious about being casual but just need a little support and boost. But I usually feel like a bad influence and like I am corrupting or manipulating them if I push at all or try to lead them in exploring their curiosity around possible casual relationships. It’s like I can’t tell for sure they are hinting at this and then if they’re not and I lead towards this that feels pretty messed up. Also I am very much against guys who manipulate situations like when guys will fake being interested in longterm just to get laid and that would feel a bit like this to me if I were to interpret they want to be led when really there was a misunderstanding and they thought it was going some other way

I know what you mean and it is really commendable that you are aware of these problems! But I think if everyone could communicate in the first place, like set all the expectations from the start, right? If feelings do develop or the interest change, I.e. someone is more interested in long term relationships, then another conversation should be had in order to set what would happen - do you end things? Do you try? You know what I mean? I am not saying it is easy but it would be better if it was like that

[Mi****]

23 minutes ago, bethel-park850546 said:

Omgosh I just got in here but after hearing the negative comments I don’t know if I’ll stay. I’m not on here to compete with anyone. I’m too old for childish games. I thought I had finally found a group that thought about sexuality the same way I do. I was so relieved. My whole life along with a few others thought we were the only ones and I was ecstatic to find this. Now after I look around a bit I may just get off. I also don’t have a Pollyanna attitude about this. I have had men try to scam me all the time but I realize they aren’t all that way. This man seems to dislike women on here so why are you still on?

That moron is an outlier. You can report him, I’m sure others are too

[la****]

1 hour ago, anyabr32 said:

I know what you mean and it is really commendable that you are aware of these problems! But I think if everyone could communicate in the first place, like set all the expectations from the start, right? If feelings do develop or the interest change, I.e. someone is more interested in long term relationships, then another conversation should be had in order to set what would happen - do you end things? Do you try? You know what I mean? I am not saying it is easy but it would be better if it was like that

There is actually a tool called Smorgasbord that helps to have direct conversations that help people get really specific about what they want in any relationship. Search up “relationship smorgasbord.”

Short-term vs long-term or casual vs committed are pretty unhelpful as categories. The vagueness leads to miscommunication, missed opportunities, and disappointment for all parties. Precision is an act of care.

[Mi****]

1 hour ago, anyabr32 said:

I know what you mean and it is really commendable that you are aware of these problems! But I think if everyone could communicate in the first place, like set all the expectations from the start, right? If feelings do develop or the interest change, I.e. someone is more interested in long term relationships, then another conversation should be had in order to set what would happen - do you end things? Do you try? You know what I mean? I am not saying it is easy but it would be better if it was like that

I really appreciate the commending! My questions on topics like this is fully driven by wanting to improve as a person so it means a lot to be recognized in this, thank you.

I hear what you’re saying. I have to admit I’m pretty guilty of this still. Ive always wondered what is the cutoff. Like do we tell people “Yeah, I’m probably about a 7 into you” or is it just 10 or 0. Like we talk about communication but it’s always in terms of the extremes: “I love you with all my heart and soul”, “I’m no longer in love with you”. No in between along the way. I wish we could talk out the in between areas, like the “I’m not really feeling you at this time” kind of spaces. I feel like that’s a state we actively try to ignore as reality, you know? Do you tell people things in between the extremes for communication purposes or lie or withhold that kind of stuff? Like if you were dating a guy and he asked where he ranked among guys you’d been with would you rank him below #1 or lower if that were the case just in the name of communication?

[Mi****]

23 minutes ago, ladivina said:

There is actually a tool called Smorgasbord that helps to have direct conversations that help people get really specific about what they want in any relationship. Search up “relationship smorgasbord.”

Short-term vs long-term or casual vs committed are pretty unhelpful as categories. The vagueness leads to miscommunication, missed opportunities, and disappointment for all parties. Precision is an act of care.

You…are…awesome! Thank you so much for all the info and insight 😎