Managing intimacy differences

[Zi****]

I’m quite new into a dynamic (two-ish weeks in maybe more who knows🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️), and I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’m hitting a fundamental mismatch in experiences and expectations around intimacy.

I’ve set three clear boundaries in this dynamic: no cuddling/ intimacy, no kissing, and no associating with or f**king any Subs, just vanilla's. For me, structure around intimacy is very important because I separate emotional/physical intimacy very strongly from sex.

Where the difficulty is coming in is specifically around kissing, because we view it very differently.

When I say kissing, I am not talking about a peck or casual contact. I am referring specifically to deep, prolonged, passionate kissing with close physical proximity of course including tongue kissing. For me, that level of contact is highly intimate and exclusive.

In my experience, I do not engage in that kind of intimacy casually or across multiple people. So the idea of it happening in a sexual context, or potentially happening outside of me in other interactions, creates a strong emotional response for me. It doesn’t feel casual in any way—it feels like a significant emotional marker.

I am experienced in BDSM dynamics and have had multiple Doms before, whereas my current Dom, I'm he's first sub experience. From his perspective, kissing is something that IS casual and part of sexual interaction and foreplay, and it does not carry the same weight or exclusivity that it does for me.

This difference in interpretation is where I’m struggling, because I am realising we are not attaching the same meaning or boundaries to the same actions.

I also want to be honest about my own emotional responses: I know I can experience insecurity and jealousy, and I don’t like the headspace those feelings put me in. Because of that, I tend to structure my boundaries quite firmly so I can avoid situations that trigger those feelings where possible.

In terms of the wider dynamic, it is also an open arrangement where both of us are free to engage sexually with other people. My personal approach to that is very direct and simple if it’s sexual, I prefer it to be clear, minimal emotional build-up, and to the point. That is what feels safest and most comfortable for me.

Because of that, I find things like prolonged dating-style interaction, going for drinks, extended build-up, or/and romantic-style/ vanilla physical progression uncomfortable for me personally. But That is his natural way of engaging, and i under no circumstances would want to get in the way of the way he gets pussy!

Okay, so:
How do people navigate completely different definitions of intimacy in Dom/sub dynamics?
When one person experiences something as deeply exclusive and the other experiences it as casual, is that usually workable or a sign of incompatibility?
And how do I distinguish between adjusting expectations vs trying to fit into something that fundamentally doesn’t align?

Any insight would be appreciated, and I’d prefer to keep this thread constructive as I’m being quite open and *** sharing this.

[pa****]

I dont like kissing either. Thats for partners

[si****]

Communication. If you have concerns share. This is something that is important to you and requires communication. Just because something is important to you doesn't make you, or them, telepathic. If you can't talk about things you shouldn't be in a relationship. Just my opinion. Not every relationship works out. Talk about it and if it doesn't work move on. No harm, no foul.

[do****]

Me personally, I feel like this a great topic. I personally like the natural approach as well. It’s just something you have to get adapt to or cut ties with. I’m also the same way with kissing and oral(giving) but then i realized if we’ve deemed each other as safe,dealt with each other consistently,and we know where we stand I’d give someone grace on kissing me. After all,it could be worse 🤷🏿‍♂️ Plus after a while, you kinda can expect some type emotional feeling from a lady.

[ts****]

Communication! You need to communicate with your Dom what your wants needs and expectations are. If their stance is either: they don’t care or do what I say; then they need to grow up and learn what it means to be a Dom and take care of their submissive.

[ia****]

I got some unsatisfying advice for you. You're going to have to talk about it with your partners. A lot. Like writing down and establishing definitions and making intentional agreements. Because your lines in the sand are not the same as their lines in the sand then you need to actively define those areas. Test the comfort levels and re-evaluate to see if changes are necessary.

This is why BDSM contracts are a thing after all.

Best case scenario- clarification is taken well and boundaries are respected and we all live kinkily ever after. Worst case scenario- you can't agree to boundaries or definitions and in that case I would say it is actually a miss match.


The alternative is that you define loose boundaries and choose not to let the details bother you. Buuuut obviously the details are bothering you.

[wa****]

As in with all relationships, kink or not; communication is the key. Best to be upfront and forward than expect him or her to figure it out. Honesty and respect

[Jo****]

This can be both easy and tricky to navigate.
I would consider toxic to try and change how a partner handles intimacy and intimate acts (not that you are) so that leaves only a few options/solutions.
You gotta talk about intimacy and intimate acts n decide n figure out, is there compromise willing to be offered? If not, are you two willing to just accept differences in intimacy like that? Personally i think its possible for two people to be together while having differing views on the intimacy of kissing

[Ca****]

So if something is a true boundary, then it is a boundary full stop. If partners don’t respect each other’s boundaries it is time to move on. I feel like there is a lot unsaid in your post, like you discussed boundaries and agreed on them but now there is pressure for something different. I may be mistaken, but if you both clearly described your boundaries and mutually agreed and now someone is telling you that isn’t what it should be that isn’t a communication problem, it is someone going back on their word.

Let’s talk about kissing. What was discussed before you became his sub. Explicitly. What was agreed to before you became his sub. What has now changed? If he agreed not to kiss other subs, then after talking he agreed no d ep passionate prolonged kissing, and now he says that he wants to engage in deep passionate prolonged kissing ‘because it is who he is’ that is, IMHO, utter BS and someone who is violating an agreed on boundary but who just doesn’t care because he wants what he wants with who he wants when he wants….. so if you have both agreed on that boundary he either needs to respect it (without constantly whining like a toddler who wants a cookie) or you need to give him the boot because he is too immature to be a respectful Dom.

However there are other possible scenarios and we would need more information to clearly understand, you left us trying to read between the lines with your post.

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, CasesAdobesDom said:

So if something is a true boundary, then it is a boundary full stop. If partners don’t respect each other’s boundaries it is time to move on. I feel like there is a lot unsaid in your post, like you discussed boundaries and agreed on them but now there is pressure for something different. I may be mistaken, but if you both clearly described your boundaries and mutually agreed and now someone is telling you that isn’t what it should be that isn’t a communication problem, it is someone going back on their word.

Let’s talk about kissing. What was discussed before you became his sub. Explicitly. What was agreed to before you became his sub. What has now changed? If he agreed not to kiss other subs, then after talking he agreed no d ep passionate prolonged kissing, and now he says that he wants to engage in deep passionate prolonged kissing ‘because it is who he is’ that is, IMHO, utter BS and someone who is violating an agreed on boundary but who just doesn’t care because he wants what he wants with who he wants when he wants….. so if you have both agreed on that boundary he either needs to respect it (without constantly whining like a toddler who wants a cookie) or you need to give him the boot because he is too immature to be a respectful Dom.

However there are other possible scenarios and we would need more information to clearly understand, you left us trying to read between the lines with your post.

I agree with this but want to add this. You can only set a boundary for yourself, not someone else. Saying that he can't kiss someone else is not a boundary its a rule. What he does outside of your dynamic is his life choice. A good boundary sets the expectation and states what you will do if that boundary can't be respected. For example, "I won't remain in this dynamic if you are passionately kissing other people." He can choose his own actions and you can choose to leave the dynamic if you don't like his choices.

[61****]

Y'all kill me, after care dynamics boundaries, it's so weird just go for it

[61****]

It's so cheesy,

[Zi****]

I hear what you’re saying about the distinction between boundaries and rules, and I do agree. For me, this was always more of a hard limit. That comes from knowing myself, jealousy and insecurity are triggers I really don’t function well in, and I don’t like the headspace they put me in. So rather than trying to manage those feelings after the fact, I’d rather remove situations that create them altogether. It’s not about controlling his behaviour, it’s about protecting my own emotional stability and keeping the dynamic healthy for both of us.
To clarify, this isn’t a lack of communication. We’ve actually been actively talking about this for the past couple of days. What I’m realising is that we’re just on opposite ends in how we define intimacy. I have no issue with him having sex with other people, I’m not trying to control that at all. He’s firm in how he naturally engages, and I’m firm in how I experience certain acts. From my perspective, what’s being framed as casual or foreplay, like deep kissing, holds a much more intimate weight.
I do agree that if something is clearly agreed upon and then shifts, that’s a separate issue. In this case, when I initially stated my hard limits (we called it "boundaries" at the time, wasn't  using perfect lingo if you know what I mean), he agreed, but later realised he hadn’t registered kissing as part of that. So when it did happen, it wasn’t intentional or malicious, it was a misunderstanding. Which is why I’m not approaching this from a place of blame, but more from trying to understand whether this is something that can be aligned moving forward.
At this point, I’m just trying to figure out whether this is something that can be worked through with clearer definitions and mutual understanding, or if it’s simply a case of incompatibility. I've had a good amount of doms now and have never been on such opposite ends on a situation like this, everything else in the dynamic is 10/10, it's just this hiccup. I appreciate everyone’s feedback and it’s definitely going to help me form a judgement.

Edited April 17 by ZiggyPie
Made some light changes to my response.

[Zi****]

2 hours ago, paradise344292 said:

I dont like kissing either. Thats for partners

That's fair enough

[ne****]

Boundaries and compatibility go hand in hand for me. I’m not spending time trying to figure out how to make a square fit into a hole, that’s how I approach these dynamics. That means I have less physical interaction but I can definitely live with that because my boundaries bring me peace and it’s gonna be that over anything else any day for me. Encouragement and ease in your discovery of what works for you.

[TheZenCommander]

It doesn't need to be aligned as long as it's respected. If your boundary isn't respected, if there's push back, that's c@ercion, which is not consent. This is a much bigger issue and indicates not just incompatibility, but lack of safety. And it's better to walk away than to question your own boundaries.

[ey****]

10 hours ago, ZiggyPie said:

I’m quite new into a dynamic (two-ish weeks in maybe more who knows🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️), and I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’m hitting a fundamental mismatch in experiences and expectations around intimacy.

 

you're two-ish weeks in and there's already a lot of evidence the two of you are not on the same page.  Nothing necessarily wrong with either of your perspectives but it's unlikely that one of you will yield and be satisfied. 

[de****]

As a submissive, I see that you are the more experienced side to this dynamic. The fact you’re already meeting issues surrounding things that you feel strongly about, is a red flag. I would seriously discover if you like him enough to be able to continue with your boundaries or change them to see if feels ok.
All that said, for me, it looks like you are in the position of having to ‘teach’ him and I wouldn’t be able to do that. I hope you can come to some resolve. Feel free to message me directly if you need anything further xx

[Ba****]

5 hours ago, ZiggyPie said:

I hear what you’re saying about the distinction between boundaries and rules, and I do agree. For me, this was always more of a hard limit. That comes from knowing myself, jealousy and insecurity are triggers I really don’t function well in, and I don’t like the headspace they put me in. So rather than trying to manage those feelings after the fact, I’d rather remove situations that create them altogether. It’s not about controlling his behaviour, it’s about protecting my own emotional stability and keeping the dynamic healthy for both of us.
To clarify, this isn’t a lack of communication. We’ve actually been actively talking about this for the past couple of days. What I’m realising is that we’re just on opposite ends in how we define intimacy. I have no issue with him having sex with other people, I’m not trying to control that at all. He’s firm in how he naturally engages, and I’m firm in how I experience certain acts. From my perspective, what’s being framed as casual or foreplay, like deep kissing, holds a much more intimate weight.
I do agree that if something is clearly agreed upon and then shifts, that’s a separate issue. In this case, when I initially stated my hard limits (we called it "boundaries" at the time, wasn't  using perfect lingo if you know what I mean), he agreed, but later realised he hadn’t registered kissing as part of that. So when it did happen, it wasn’t intentional or malicious, it was a misunderstanding. Which is why I’m not approaching this from a place of blame, but more from trying to understand whether this is something that can be aligned moving forward.
At this point, I’m just trying to figure out whether this is something that can be worked through with clearer definitions and mutual understanding, or if it’s simply a case of incompatibility. I've had a good amount of doms now and have never been on such opposite ends on a situation like this, everything else in the dynamic is 10/10, it's just this hiccup. I appreciate everyone’s feedback and it’s definitely going to help me form a judgement.

Wait
Hold up
I hope i‘m misunderstanding things but to me it sounds like you are in a casual non-exclusive dynamic but somehow got your newbie dom to agree to be restricted and exclusive in the way they are allowed to express themselves concerning situations that have basically nothing to do with you under the pretense of your boundaries
Am i missing something??
If I didn’t, why are you trying to have a open relationship while actively trying to avoid dealing with your insecurities and jealousy problems in any sort of productive/constructive way??

But back to your original question;
Different people do people differently
So assuming communication is happening and negotiations are done,
two people having a different interpretation of the same thing is only at most a technical problem for you and also only if you think it is

[Zi****]

2 hours ago, Barthold said:

Wait
Hold up
I hope i‘m misunderstanding things but to me it sounds like you are in a casual non-exclusive dynamic but somehow got your newbie dom to agree to be restricted and exclusive in the way they are allowed to express themselves concerning situations that have basically nothing to do with you under the pretense of your boundaries
Am i missing something??
If I didn’t, why are you trying to have a open relationship while actively trying to avoid dealing with your insecurities and jealousy problems in any sort of productive/constructive way??

But back to your original question;
Different people do people differently
So assuming communication is happening and negotiations are done,
two people having a different interpretation of the same thing is only at most a technical problem for you and also only if you think it is

I think there may be a bit of a misunderstanding in how I’ve explained things, so I’ll clarify the best I can lool. This dynamic didn’t come out of nowhere. We’ve had a foundation/ friendships for a few years prior to this, and conversations around dynamics, BDSM just the whole kink space in general. This isn’t about me trying to control how he expresses himself or avoid doing any internal work. I’m very aware of my own triggers, especially around jealousy and insecurity, and the way I manage that is by setting clear limits around what I can comfortably engage in. That’s not about avoiding growth, it’s about knowing where I function best and being honest about that.
The boundaries weren’t one sided either. The conversation was mutual, we both discussed what we wanted and what we were comfortable with, and it evolved from there. So this isn’t a case of me restricting him under false pretences x .
The dynamic itself is open, but like many open or kink dynamics, there are still specific agreements around certain types of thing's. For me, certain acts carry more emotional weight, and that’s where my limits sit.
But as always I appreciate your perspective, you've given me a few things to think about for sure lol.
Thank you. xx

[br****]

Understanding

[Mi****]

An interesting thing to consider…..boundaries are about what you will do if xyz happens. For example, “I can’t have a BDSM dynamic with you if XYZ happens” and ways you want other people to behave or not behave are expectations not boundaries. Expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration. I’m not exactly sure what’s happing in your situation, but remembering this clarification often helps me know how to move forward.

[Ba****]

Yesterday at 08:39 AM, ZiggyPie said:

I think there may be a bit of a misunderstanding in how I’ve explained things, so I’ll clarify the best I can lool. This dynamic didn’t come out of nowhere. We’ve had a foundation/ friendships for a few years prior to this, and conversations around dynamics, BDSM just the whole kink space in general. This isn’t about me trying to control how he expresses himself or avoid doing any internal work. I’m very aware of my own triggers, especially around jealousy and insecurity, and the way I manage that is by setting clear limits around what I can comfortably engage in. That’s not about avoiding growth, it’s about knowing where I function best and being honest about that.
The boundaries weren’t one sided either. The conversation was mutual, we both discussed what we wanted and what we were comfortable with, and it evolved from there. So this isn’t a case of me restricting him under false pretences x .
The dynamic itself is open, but like many open or kink dynamics, there are still specific agreements around certain types of thing's. For me, certain acts carry more emotional weight, and that’s where my limits sit.
But as always I appreciate your perspective, you've given me a few things to think about for sure lol.
Thank you. xx

Thanks for clarifying

Just looking at the original post i would have assumed that you didn’t want to have the kinds emotionally intimate contact with the dom this is about and they started doing it anyway
Then in the comment i relied to the situation seemed to flip hard in the other direction

But as i see it you should be more than able to work around or at least compromise on what seems to be just a relatively minor case of miscommunication, just „kissing“ can mean a lot of different things with a variety of perceived levels of intimacy/intensity depending on the individual(for example to me someone just dry lip kissing the inside of my hands is more intimate than having direct contact with each others tongues) so you probably need to be more extensive and way more specific in your communication
You may even wanna try a threesome for educational purposes(no joke, actual recommendation^^), that way you can directly show each other what which part means to you, additionally having that as a sort of semi-regular thing could help you with your insecurities and jealousy issues if the „being left out“ part is the most triggering for you

If you can’t reach any compromise and none of the work around attempts work for both of you then i would say you should end things before either of you gets bitter about it
Good friends are rare and valuable

[Ba****]

Yesterday at 08:39 AM, ZiggyPie said:

I think there may be a bit of a misunderstanding in how I’ve explained things, so I’ll clarify the best I can lool. This dynamic didn’t come out of nowhere. We’ve had a foundation/ friendships for a few years prior to this, and conversations around dynamics, BDSM just the whole kink space in general. This isn’t about me trying to control how he expresses himself or avoid doing any internal work. I’m very aware of my own triggers, especially around jealousy and insecurity, and the way I manage that is by setting clear limits around what I can comfortably engage in. That’s not about avoiding growth, it’s about knowing where I function best and being honest about that.
The boundaries weren’t one sided either. The conversation was mutual, we both discussed what we wanted and what we were comfortable with, and it evolved from there. So this isn’t a case of me restricting him under false pretences x .
The dynamic itself is open, but like many open or kink dynamics, there are still specific agreements around certain types of thing's. For me, certain acts carry more emotional weight, and that’s where my limits sit.
But as always I appreciate your perspective, you've given me a few things to think about for sure lol.
Thank you. xx

Oh and on the „mutual not one-sided boundaries“ part, to me the way you described it sounds similar to how a man and a woman living together „mutually“ agree to not use the toilet while standing
You know because of the two people agreeing to not do something one of them already doesn’t do
Granted I don’t know what else you have had as part of the negotiation that would even things out

Also the moment your boundaries extend outside of your dynamic/relationship you technically already stepped into exclusive territory
Not saying it isn’t possible to have a fully or partially exclusive relationship and a open dynamic but you may need to reevaluate what exactly you are to each other and/or readjust your expectations accordingly, at the very least to prevent further misunderstandings