No aftercare/abandoned by Dom

[la****]

I’m new to kink and struggling from an experience with my Dom.

We had an intense sexual experience, and (not his fault) he wasn’t able to provide adequate aftercare.

To make a very long story short, I got horrible sub drop and he broke up with me two days later.

Any advice for how to pull myself out of this funk? I’ve been having panic attacks and low mood. I want a new Dom but don’t want to bring this baggage to a new dynamic.

[JM****]

I’m sorry this happened to you. Would say find your comfort zone. Like taking walks or listening to music. Find what you like w/o the Dom .

[Tr****]

I'm so sorry. I was abandoned by my Dom for someone else

[Bl****]

Do something you enjoy.
Don't distract yourself, just look at this situation again later.
I'm saying this cause if you get yourself into a better headspace, you'll be able to look at shitty situations with a better thought pattern.
It's shitty when people just ditch you, especially when you think you got a connection. But just keep going, you'll find the right one when you least expect it

[Ic****]

That’s rough!! Take a deep breath & TRY to start fresh!! Get back on the saddle & gallop with care. Sorry for the rodeo reference. Lol

[FT****]

You may just need to find someone that will be patient with you as you carry that baggage into the relationship. I feel that’s probably the best way to work through it.

[ObidentlyMe]

Self care can come from
Inside too. Take a bubble bath. Tell yourself 10 affirmations and 10 things you do well. Massage your legs and arms. Remind yourself that a good dynamic was because of your willingness to submit. Listen to some good music. You can do this!

[Fa****]

Not too pry, but how was it not his fault not being able to provide decent aftercare?

[my****]

If you don’t have time for aftercare, you don’t have time for a session.

That’s not to say you can’t play, I’ve had a lot of fun with quickies over the years but the intensity is much lower it’s a real shame you got a dud out of the box. If you’ve had it the right way first, you can do it the wrong way and at least you know it’s not always that way. I’m around if you need to talk.

[Br****]

That’s poor:: in terms of emotion engagement, planning, and aftercare.

To give you an idea of what should be going on:

It’s my subs birthday this weekend. Grouo play and impact play will occur Saturday night.

I have the hotel booked for Saturday and Sunday night. Her sub drop usually occurs around 14 hours after play finishes (we’re nerospicy nerds: of course we timed it)I shall take her out for Sunday lunch at a British pub and then put her to bed. Long cuddles, sugary snacks and her favourite Coke will be to hand as she needs them. She sleeps as long as she needs to whilst I shall Terraform Mars whilst keeping a close eye on her.

The professional dom who is doing most of the impact play (I’m a pleasure dom: I outsourced some things because I know my limits) will be texting her and me throughout the day, having scheduled in some aftercare the previous evening.

Her girlfriend (who is also my girlfriend) will be calling in on Sunday to catch up on all the gossip (it’s kitchen table poly) and to check aftercare from a female perspective.

That I would suggest is one way of doing aftercare: it should be sub centred with the Don using it as a good opportunity for Feedback.

Note: I have a growth mindset so if we’ve missed anything, let me know.

To close: I am spiritual and can happily send some positive energy over, with your consent of course!

[in****]

First off, sorry to hear you had that experience. Do you have friends in the kink community who can help you process? Are you in therapy, and if so, is your therapist kink-informed? If so, processing with them might help.

Beyond that, keep in mind that like non-kink relationships, some kink relationships don’t work out and some partners end up being disappointing. Regard this as one of those disappointments but try to avoid framing it as the kink being what went wrong.

As to wanting to find a Dom and not bring baggage into a new situation, this is again where having kinky friends, being part of a kink community can be helpful. People who are good at aftercare tend to have positive reputations. Those who suck at it also tend go have that rep.

[le****]

The anxiety is your protection system . It’s opposite is vulnerability. Yes we know you have this wide open vulnerability, why it’s transmuting to anxiety is to protect you. Vulnerability is felt when it’s safe, anxiety is felt when it’s not safe and the vulnerability is still there. Try to get sexually aroused from it, move the anxiety feeling down from your chest and masturbate. Visualize this happening. Likely, there’s a dark part of you that does get aroused by being rejected - make this conscious.
Later on, in a few weeks, do whatever the f**k you want, text him a fake question..idk you know him best. There’s nothing to screw up, ego wants you to think you can’t text him, call, etc. You can. You can do whatever you need to. There will be a point where you don’t care about contact. It will come

[gy****]

Im also new to the D/S dynamic, curious what do you mean by its not his fault in not providing adequate after care? ....

[la****]

26 minutes ago, gypsyraven said:

Im also new to the D/S dynamic, curious what do you mean by its not his fault in not providing adequate after care? ....

Oh, he got very sick and wasn’t able to be there with me.

[Zo****]

I'm sorry thst happened to you. You didn't deserve that.

[Zo****]

A couple of things you can try. Eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. That will replace the nutrients your body consumed, producing and metabolizing the happy *** from play. If you can, call up a friend and ask them to hang out and cuddle.

[Do****]

Sorry to hear that. Aftercare is important.

[Deleted Member]

I'm sorry this happened. While I can appreciate that you want to defend him saying it wasn't his fault, but I'm going to politely disagree. Ok, he got sick. It happens, but it is his fault that he didn't check in later and he broke up with you. That's 100% completely on him and not ok. He should have checked in with you, and he should have made sure you were ok. If he wanted to break things off,he should have made sure you were in a good headspace first.

I agree with the others about taking care of yourself. If you can, go get a good massage, get your nails done. Do something positive for you that makes you feel good about you.

[cu****]

Everyone “has baggage” but there are people who can help with the process. I’ve had to do so myself after my ex “Dom”ghosted and I was left in pieces, I needed the care and guidance from someone I trusted not to take advantage and it was the best thing for me.

My best advice is to focus on taking care of you, rebuilding yourself and coming back stronger, whatever that looks like for you can differ from everyone else but progress is important. Don’t stay stuck for long. Best wishes to you through this difficult time, been there done that and it wasn’t easy.

[Se****]

That's rough. There's always time for aftercare. As a Dom, they should have made time for you. I would say moving forward, be proactive in expressing your own needs in negotiations and even when vetting for a new Dom. Not everyone is deserving of your trust. It is a gift they have to earn

[Deleted Member]

I say for now best option is to maybe focus a bit on yourself, it’s a bummer that he just up and dipped. He should’ve definitely made time for you and ask what’s up and how you’re feeling. Being a Dom in any kinda dynamic I feel doesn’t mean just sex and then leave immediately afterwards or leaving due to things becoming tough mental and health wise. You’re supposed to support and be there for them, so I’m sorry for what happened but maybe at this point focus on yourself. Can still talk to people if you feel you’re able to but I wouldn’t rush into anything.

[Th****]

Since being sick and breaking off were very close events, I call bluff … I am sorry you had to go through this .

Whoever the dom was, managing time, process and potentially trouble shooting with alternatives should be a given .

Try to schedule quality time with people who are dear to your heart, take yourself out on a date, try something new, etc be good to yourself.

With some distance, reflect on if there were signs before, if so, memorize them. Write a list on what you need in terms of aftercare . Update regularly.

If someone slides the first time : remind them. Second time : Boy bye 🙃🤷🏽‍♀️💅🏾

[Ba****]

Wait
what do you mean „(not his fault)“??
The dom can be at fault when a sub ignores clear warnings and ends up hurting themselves
The responsibility that comes with the control of a dom basically means being at fault for everything that can, could and will go wrong is the default
This one appears to have been reckless incompetence and/or careless disregard
If not „him“ who else could be responsible for this situation??

As for advice on how to deal with the aftermath
Nurture some platonic friendships, do some self-reflection and form some decent standards, in that order before you even think about a new dom

[Hezzair]

I would say it was still his fault for not providing any after care, because he didn´t bother to support you in the sub drop after the fact, he just ditched you completely.

I have only ever had sub drop like that one time, and it was after I was with a sadist who did not provide adequate after care as well. It was just ¨not his thing.¨ My recommendation would be maybe finding things that bring you comfort, whether that be weighted blankets, music, massage oils, scented candles etc. Sensory things to relax you. I would not venture into a new d/s situation just yet, and the next one make sure you find one who can tell you how they like to see a session run.

[un****]

Find a bdsm contract template to guide discussions. I find it helps get a clearer picture of both parties wants and expectations. I’d also consider a therapist with trauma and sex specialties.