No aftercare/abandoned by Dom

[DarkArts1066]

Your story is unfortunate, but sadly not unique.
You mention ‘horrible’ sub drop.

Are you able to verbalise better how that manifested ?
It might help us to understand your Dom’s reaction to it ?

I feel personally in the absence of an acceptable explanation from your Dom (and I in no way support his behaviour whatsoever…) that you should try to compartmentalise that experience if you can, and try to refocus on the fact that no two experiences are ever quite the same.

With a new Dom, it would be important to find a way to describe and verbalise how that sub drop affected you, so that you could mutually discuss your needs - if should that happen again.

There is NO EXCUSE for a Dom walking away from you after sub drop.
Ever.

We have an obligation- and a duty of care, to make sure you recover and are in a good place after sub drop, which can have long term effects.
Thankfully they are manageable, and you WILL be able to move forward from this.

Be open and honest about this experience with any future Doms that you choose to engage with, and be sure they know and understand what you need before you engage in any kind of play.
Clearly that also means that you need to figure out what you need yourself.

I hope this helps.

[MasterLogus]

Realize it isnt you, its him. In the future, I highly siggest, talking about aftercare! I pride myself on my aftercare, it is so vital if you put a sub into subspace especially. I actually love those moments of just holding her, telling her how good she did, how wonderful she is. Stroking her face, massaging her scalp, getting her water or chocolates, tracing my fingers over her body as she laughs or cries. Shuddering with each touch, giggling uncontrollably. It is an honor for me. Some DOMs just dont do it and thats fine, I have had subs who dont want it. All are different but discussion, honesty is a great start to fix this 8n the future, learn and enjoy better dear, your worth it!

[Ze****]

Breathing exercises and conversations like this will help you.
First of all, it is not your fault. I want you to acknowledge that. Nothing you did was wrong.

From now on, before becoming someone’s sub, talk with them about the dynamic and its structure , what both of you can offer and what both of you need. Discuss boundaries, expectations, limits, communication, aftercare, etc.
Take your time getting to know people. A good Dom will not rush your submission, pressure your limits, or make you feel guilty for needing reassurance or clarity.

As Doms, we are responsible for our subs well-being, especially when sub drop happens. Care does not stop once the scene or conversation ends.

[il****]

After care is what helps sub have a better experience about his/her kinks

[tu****]

Aftercare is a must.

[Mr****]

Aftercare isnt only for subs. If the play is savage enough or dark enough, a dom with any kind of empathy/conscience is going to need to be reminded now and again that its consensual, that its wanted, and that they're not the monster they may need to embody to get folks where theyre lookin to be.

Doms f**k up sometimes and are also learning themselves in places. If you have the care and support of a community to fall back on, and your dom doesn't, then that could be an opportunity for grace and understanding before the mob gets all torches and pitchforks over it.

[ER****]

At the very least your Dom should cuddle you, give you praise, and make you feel valued. The D/S dynamic is all about service to one another.

[Th****]

The Dom is trusted to be playing under the foundation principles and I’m no dom just for reference but I’ve been in a dynamic relationship. I’m gifted with empathy and intuition to watch emotional state and within what her boundaries are and my capacity for dominance and the type of frame I’m in He doesn’t have the capacity for whatever play they did and bailed after sub drop. Aftercare is even important after sex of any kind. The detachment creates a feeling of being used and then discarded

I’ve done mild impact stuff to layer into a scene to relax the brain so pleasure is more receptive and the dominant energy from even impact lightly sets a tone. I’m pretty relaxed if I’m being top but less is more a lot of the time.

[DarkArts1066]

“Dom drop” is actually a very real thing too.
Although it is seldom talked about, or admitted to.

Many in our world see Doms discussing Dom drop as a form of weakness -which of course is absolute rubbish. We have feelings too, which sometimes manifest in a negative way.

A Dom has a duty of care to any sub that they engage with …… but who has a duty of care to us - the Dom?

And how often is that duty of care (if indeed it exists) observed ?

It’s an interesting question.

[NS****]

Without knowing the full story, aftercare is important for both parties. If aftercare is known beforehand it might not be possible, imo don't start a scene (I see it as part of it). Sub drop is a very real thing and should be taken care for.

Like others have said, dom drop is a very real thing too. I had a light one once and needed some aftercare for it.

Sometimes things pop up out of the sudden, and that sucks. I would still check in first moment possible, and talk about it if I struggle with not being able to give / be given aftercare.

[ch****]

Hey lovely neck. What does good aftercare look like to you?

[Th****]

2 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

“Dom drop” is actually a very real thing too.
Although it is seldom talked about, or admitted to.

Many in our world see Doms discussing Dom drop as a form of weakness -which of course is absolute rubbish. We have feelings too, which sometimes manifest in a negative way.

A Dom has a duty of care to any sub that they engage with …… but who has a duty of care to us - the Dom?

And how often is that duty of care (if indeed it exists) observed ?

It’s an interesting question.

I guess I may have had it when I lost frame and got caught off guard one was I’d never seen brat energy and I hadn’t run as an actual scenario so she tests me I let it slide and again then i feel the shame for not having my brain in a state of showing the energy and correcting her if she’s fidgeting or not in the do what I ask you and nothing more so I felt shit that I got beaten by that but i thought about how to win and it was like a month later and i basically owned the energy, gave a warning then she didn’t wait for something so took the lead and made her think id cut the scene but i just proved that not only did i absolutely blow your opinion that i could not get her arousal back which I laughed at her thinking fuck if you’re going in there to do tis properly then I’ll do the rest. That felt like a statement I’m not giving anyone what they ask for if it’s about what she wants now. I’ll ignore it and save the pointer in my head for another time.

[Deleted Member]

I’m sorry to hear that. I had the opposite happen to me. My sub went cold after our first time having sex. It was a little messy on my end because she rushed me with little foreplay. I wasn’t ready for that s***d and shut down. Instead of talking she just stayed silent and wouldn’t look at me.

I still massaged her. Cuddled her. Kissed her. Tried to talk. But she disconnected. I had to walk away after months of intense flirting and spending time together.

[Si****]

There’s a lot of good feedback being given, I’ll underscore the self care. Without any sort of feeback or closure on the other end its in them and their issue. You can’t fix that. Better to move on but wipe the experience off the board as you move forward, at the least file it under learning.

Replace the endorphins with an activity or interest. Keep learning about yourself and continue to be honest.

[Da****]

Best bet is to set boundaries before doing anything including what you need for your own mental health imho

[Sc****]

Sub drop is really hard but the best thing you can do is no sexual contact for now. Cuddling and comfort touch is best like massages, hair brushing and hugging. You need words of affirmation from those around you and lien on education instead of sexual play. If it’s bad, consider seeing a therapist who has BDSM lifestyle experience.

[an****]

You will need to be re-activated to complete the cycle.

Do something scary, something with a danger aspect (but be safe), something that matches the original activation intensity. Exercise can work, but it has to be so extreme it changes your state. The easiest way I find to do this is heights, I hate heights, but jumping off a cliff and having to trust my equipment puts a lot into perspective.

This applies to your situation, but also, any other events where closure isn't afforded. Getting yelled at, betrayal, sudden break up, abandon. Real danger also recalibrates a lot in our lives as to what we should be afraid of and what is less of a threat.

You can try a rock climbing place, or F1 racing, or horseback riding, whatever evokes your fight or flight, but in a safe and controlled environment.

Below is the copy/paste from Google for the book this is detailed within if you are interested.

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Dr. Peter A. Levine. It explores how wild ***s process stressful events—such as being hunted—by completing the "fight or flight" response, returning to a calm state. Humans, however, often get stuck in a state of high activation when traumatic events happen without closure, leaving the nervous system perpetually locked in stress.

[Deleted Member]

You need to firstly stop chasing the high for now with a new dynamic and look after yourself/get yourself back to a stable baseline. Do not play with that dom again - that is not a good person. Make sure you vet your doms properly and that they know what aftercare to provide you as well as how much and how often you require it after an intense session.

[Go****]

Friday at 03:26 AM, anotherusername said:

You will need to be re-activated to complete the cycle.

Do something scary, something with a danger aspect (but be safe), something that matches the original activation intensity. Exercise can work, but it has to be so extreme it changes your state. The easiest way I find to do this is heights, I hate heights, but jumping off a cliff and having to trust my equipment puts a lot into perspective.

This applies to your situation, but also, any other events where closure isn't afforded. Getting yelled at, betrayal, sudden break up, abandon. Real danger also recalibrates a lot in our lives as to what we should be afraid of and what is less of a threat.

You can try a rock climbing place, or F1 racing, or horseback riding, whatever evokes your fight or flight, but in a safe and controlled environment.

Below is the copy/paste from Google for the book this is detailed within if you are interested.

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Dr. Peter A. Levine. It explores how wild ***s process stressful events—such as being hunted—by completing the "fight or flight" response, returning to a calm state. Humans, however, often get stuck in a state of high activation when traumatic events happen without closure, leaving the nervous system perpetually locked in stress.

Roller coaster ride might do the trick.

This is an interesting take and I tend to agree that having an experience of exposing oneself to “danger” may be very useful. Might not be the thing to do immediately after such an experience…

Like come back to some sort of baseline as much as possible, but maybe don’t wait too long either.

There are also a lot of other great ways to reset the nervous system that don’t involve an extreme trigger.

Saunas, yoga (especially yoga Nidra, which is designed specifically to clear imprints of old experiences from the nervous system), ice swimming… okay ice swimming may be an extreme trigger lol, but it works wonders.

[Go****]

Most people don’t realize this but experiences like this can also very easily effect a Dom in a similar fashion.

Both Doms and Subs need aftercare, need regular communication, need to know that when they engage in extreme or possibly triggering play that they have trust and a safe container to work through things that may come up together.

I remember having a very similar experience with Sub who ghosted me after a scene and it fucked me up and took me right out of the lifestyle for years.

BDSM is some powerful magic, and has the potential to create powerful healing and empowerment. But with great power comes great responsibility.

Sending prayers your way for a s***dy recovery and partners who can meet your needs and stay true to you in the future ❤️🙏🏼❤️

[Ro****]

Had a similar experience unfortunately. Thought I vetted well. Clarified all my needs only to never have proper aftercare. Was publicly discarded after a while as well.

I was labeled too needy and talked too much in the end.

It’s been 15 months and the experience has finally left me.

Learned some lessons I didn’t know I needed as a result.

Boundaries being the biggest one of all.

Putting myself back out there again so there’s that 😁

[be****]

I suppose I should take the time to read more of these threads. Still fairly new to the lifestyle. Sub drop. That hit me hard, as I recently experienced this. I am learning quite a bit about myself, dynamics, specific terminology. I don't feel alone or as emotionally "unhinged" as I think i am.

[wo****]

I can only speak for myself. Sub drop is something that separates a Dom from a poser. It sounds like he wasnt really a Dom. Though it does effect both ways. As a Dom sometimes I really struggled. Seeing her hurting the way she did and know I caused it hurt me. Though she saw it and we were able to work through it. Aftercare, love, support, understanding it all goes both ways as in any relationship.

[Di****]

If you prefer aftercare then either put it in your bio of what “adequate aftercare” looks like or bring it up during text. If you say nothing you get nothing ijs

[Ba****]

11 hours ago, Dixoncyder1 said:

If you prefer aftercare then either put it in your bio of what “adequate aftercare” looks like or bring it up during text. If you say nothing you get nothing ijs

With that philosophy i see only dry ONS in your past

What other obviously to be expected things do people have to specifically ask for with you??