Collar etiquette

[FE****]

MODERATOR NOTE:

The site can be different things to different people.  Some come to find a partner, some come for education and community.  Just because 'you' come for meeting new partners doesn't mean that everybody has, or has to tolerate your expectations.  Even if you come to the site to meet people, you should still respect their boundaries and the etiquette of community norms.  If a profile makes it clear that they are 'taken', then why would you think it's OK to breach their stated boundaries with inappropriate messages?  In a similar way, if a profile says they are just looking for friends and events, why would you message them expecting to hook up?

[wa****]

14 minutes ago, TJGlass said:

You're not MY dom, I don't have to ask you anything 😂 if somebody's dms are open, and their profile doesn't say they're not interested, I'm going to message them. If they respond with anything other than some variation of "no" I'm going to pursue further. This is how the majority of people are going to treat a dating platform because it's FOR FINDING DATES.

That’s right I am not your dom but you want to talk to my sub you have to ask my permission to do so. I think you have some major learning to do about proper etiquette in the BDSM community to get any where in this community it is based on respect both towards the doms and subs. I feel you should get yourself some medical journals on proper etiquette within BDSM community and there are plenty of books written about etiquette within the community.

[we****]

28 minutes ago, FETMod-RG said:

MODERATOR NOTE:

The site can be different things to different people.  Some come to find a partner, some come for education and community.  Just because 'you' come for meeting new partners doesn't mean that everybody has, or has to tolerate your expectations.  Even if you come to the site to meet people, you should still respect their boundaries and the etiquette of community norms.  If a profile makes it clear that they are 'taken', then why would you think it's OK to breach their stated boundaries with inappropriate messages?  In a similar way, if a profile says they are just looking for friends and events, why would you message them expecting to hook up?

I specifically mentioned that if their profile says taken I don't message them, and only go forward if they don't say no.

[Do****]

Just a thought, given that some of us more senior than others.
The lifestyle changes as does life.
Sometimes we need to remember that because we studied, learned and explored the lifestyle years ago.
We being senior need to educate others and we can do that with honey more than salt.
Suggestion have your submissive put a note on thier profile that in order to speak to them the person needs to follow the proper protocols.

[we****]

5 minutes ago, Dominantof29yrs said:

Just a thought, given that some of us more senior than others.
The lifestyle changes as does life.
Sometimes we need to remember that because we studied, learned and explored the lifestyle years ago.
We being senior need to educate others and we can do that with honey more than salt.
Suggestion have your submissive put a note on thier profile that in order to speak to them the person needs to follow the proper protocols.

All I said was don't have open dms if you don't want to get random messages. You can go right into your settings and change that.

[wo****]

Waterloo356905 is right in terms of knowledge being valuable and boundaries need to be respected.

TJGlads: That being said - after decades in the community, things have changed. It used to be that within the community a sub would never purchase a collar or wear a collar unless presented by a Dom/Domme.

These days, because many who don’t have in depth knowledge consider a collar to be an indicator of being a sub, they simply purchase a collar to wear. Add in those into “Pet Play” and it’s impossible to have any real knowledge from seeing a collar in a picture.

EVERYONE deserves to be approached with respect and a request for continued contact. Anything less is simply wrong.

As a Dom I would have no issue with someone approaching someone who I was committed to with a collar - as long as they do so respectfully and take the answer provided and respect it. If not, that’s where we have a problem.

[Sm****]

11 minutes ago, Dominantof29yrs said:

Just a thought, given that some of us more senior than others.
The lifestyle changes as does life.
Sometimes we need to remember that because we studied, learned and explored the lifestyle years ago.
We being senior need to educate others and we can do that with honey more than salt.
Suggestion have your submissive put a note on thier profile that in order to speak to them the person needs to follow the proper protocols.

I respect this, though, and agree, I am not trying to cause harm. My overall intent was to get input and understanding of the community's ideas. But it does give me hope that overall many members do respect and honor the etiquette.

[Da****]

40 minutes ago, FETMod-RG said:

MODERATOR NOTE:

The site can be different things to different people.  Some come to find a partner, some come for education and community.  Just because 'you' come for meeting new partners doesn't mean that everybody has, or has to tolerate your expectations.  Even if you come to the site to meet people, you should still respect their boundaries and the etiquette of community norms.  If a profile makes it clear that they are 'taken', then why would you think it's OK to breach their stated boundaries with inappropriate messages?  In a similar way, if a profile says they are just looking for friends and events, why would you message them expecting to hook up?

Is there a way to control who sends you messages on this app?

I'm very specific about what I'm looking for and I get lots of messages from people who don't meet my criteria.

[we****]

2 minutes ago, DarkAngel-001 said:

Is there a way to control who sends you messages on this app?

I'm very specific about what I'm looking for and I get lots of messages from people who don't meet my criteria.

Settings, message filters. You can't completely close dms but you can make it so only verified members/upgraded/whatever message you and set a character limit to hopefully eliminate the "hey" intros

[Sm****]

1 hour ago, TJGlass said:

I don't even think you're wrong or anything, just naive as to what kind of people use dating apps and the notions they have of other active users

Oh, I'm far from naive. I understand there are those new to the fetish, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles. But we have to earn our respect with our behavior and our unique community's etiquette.
I just hope you yourself were able to use this as a learning opportunity if the road towards BDSM is your chosen path. I also hope when you find the right one, you look back at this and think of the dedication your submissive is showing you, and the powerful symbology that goes along with the collar you present her. It's not just a symbol she's yours, it's a symbol she trusts you, you out of all others, and that is one of the greatest of honors.

[St****]

1 hour ago, TJGlass said:

Ok? My point still stands, don't be on a dating app and then get mad when people message you

But the point made and you ignored is: This isn’t a vanilla site for hookups that is grinder or tinder this is a site designed for people in the BDSM lifestyle and there are certain protocols for the lifestyle that you and others like you ignore and minimize and then get mad when someone points it out

[Da****]

1 hour ago, dandan915 said:

Hitting on a collared sub is like hitting on your best friend girl, it's completely wrong

I think it's more like hitting on someone who's married.

[Se****]

1 hour ago, exploring2026 said:

How is this a dating app?

Ummmm, becasue it is advertised as one. And a lot of the interactive mechanics are geared as such.

[Curt_]

Maybe just put that in the description of your profile so there's no confusion?

[Sm****]

31 minutes ago, Curt_ said:

Maybe just put that in the description of your profile so there's no confusion?

That's the thing, my friend. She was very clear in her bio about her desires and what she was seeking.

[Su****]

1 hour ago, SmalltownEnigma said:

That's the thing, my friend. She was very clear in her bio about her desires and what she was seeking.

When I changed my profile to owned and not seeking a Dom I got more messages than I do now as an unowned sub. It's like the guys who messaged either didn't know the etiquette, ignored it or thought they could take me from my owner 😕

[Deleted Member]

No one seems to respect collars. Not even the outside world. My significant other got literally physically attacked by someone because of him wearing collar.

[Deleted Member]

I have respect for the collars and maintain that at all times and I expect respect in return ... Simple

[Ed****]

There was a major shift in our world when Craigslist was shut down. We had such an influx of horny guys looking for easy sex. These types seldom respect anyone. So that’s part of it. Then not everyone practices the same etiquette so that adds confusion. I would say the lack of respect for collars is universal. It sucks

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, Edward_McMeanie said:

There was a major shift in our world when Craigslist was shut down. We had such an influx of horny guys looking for easy sex. These types seldom respect anyone. So that’s part of it. Then not everyone practices the same etiquette so that adds confusion. I would say the lack of respect for collars is universal. It sucks

Edward is right. The amount of disrespect I saw at IX for collars and etiquette, which is supposed to be a well established space for kink, was atrocious. Even in the lifestyle there is little regard. Don't expect anyone to be respectful of your etiquette outside of your dynamic. It's not the norm. Worse yet, I've been noticing that the people who used to en*** and hold people accountable have been run out of a lot of the communities. It's becoming the wild west.

[Sm****]

12 minutes ago, MarqueeAddams said:

Edward is right. The amount of disrespect I saw at IX for collars and etiquette, which is supposed to be a well established space for kink, was atrocious. Even in the lifestyle there is little regard. Don't expect anyone to be respectful of your etiquette outside of your dynamic. It's not the norm. Worse yet, I've been noticing that the people who used to en*** and hold people accountable have been run out of a lot of the communities. It's becoming the wild west.

It sounds like it's time for the youngest of the older generation of BDSM to start standing up again. Without standards, etiquette, and respect, there is no such thing as a dominant or submissive.

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, MrKro55 said:

I have respect for the collars and maintain that at all times and I expect respect in return ... Simple

The amount of disrespect I see for collars is sickening. I've quit going to several very reputable places because no one cares. From the entire community, especially the ones you wouldn't expect it to come from.

[Sm****]

1 hour ago, west703877 said:

No one seems to respect collars. Not even the outside world. My significant other got literally physically attacked by someone because of him wearing collar.

We as Dominants have to regain the respect associated with Traditional Dominants. If we give in, a subculture dies with us. Educate, and when attacked, keep wearing it with pride.

[Sm****]

2 hours ago, SubBella666 said:

When I changed my profile to owned and not seeking a Dom I got more messages than I do now as an unowned sub. It's like the guys who messaged either didn't know the etiquette, ignored it or thought they could take me from my owner 😕

It is an unfortunate situation; even in non-BDSM-identifying individuals, I respect their dynamics. A dominant's number one trait should be self-discipline. If they lack discipline, they don't deserve the title.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, SmalltownEnigma said:

It sounds like it's time for the youngest of the older generation of BDSM to start standing up again. Without standards, etiquette, and respect, there is no such thing as a dominant or submissive.

Goooood luck buddy. I spent a decade doing just that, and I'm burnt out. Most of the people I've known to stand up for the community to the community have been run out of the community or worse.