Collar etiquette

[Sm****]

11 minutes ago, MarqueeAddams said:

Goooood luck buddy. I spent a decade doing just that, and I'm burnt out. Most of the people I've known to stand up for the community to the community have been run out of the community or worse.

You're doing more than you realize, even now. You showed me there are still those that honor it. There are many more that will see it and have hope that there are still real Dominants that aren't based on 50 Shades. Don't let it stop you.Sometimes the little victories are bigger than we can see.

[DarkArts1066]

Sadly, like many sites, there are always people who have little understanding of the nuances, or the processes involved in the kink community… and yes, I’m sure some see it as just a meat market for an easy lay.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth, if truth be told.

My ‘kink’ friends generally have more respect for other humans than most… but that is largely because they are genuine kinksters, not horny twats, who need somewhere to dump a load -frankly.

I find the ‘block’ and ‘report’ functions work quite well.

Don’t be afraid to use them.

Yes -I know you shouldn’t have to, but it seems that’s the way of things these days.

And one more blocked idiot, is one less idiot for other people to have to deal with, after all.

I used to be easygoing, -accepting of people who perhaps made a ‘mistake’ … didn’t fully understand ….

Not so much these days… sadly.

[Sm****]

20 minutes ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Sadly, like many sites, there are always people who have little understanding of the nuances, or the processes involved in the kink community… and yes, I’m sure some see it as just a meat market for an easy lay.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth, if truth be told.

My ‘kink’ friends generally have more respect for other humans than most… but that is largely because they are genuine kinksters, not horny twats, who need somewhere to dump a load -frankly.

I find the ‘block’ and ‘report’ functions work quite well.

Don’t be afraid to use them.

Yes -I know you shouldn’t have to, but it seems that’s the way of things these days.

And one more blocked idiot, is one less idiot for other people to have to deal with, after all.

I used to be easygoing, -accepting of people who perhaps made a ‘mistake’ … didn’t fully understand ….

Not so much these days… sadly.

Well, I thank you for your time to write this. Maybe with all the positivity I've seen today, I can get her to rejoin this site. Right now, she's searching on sites like Facebook for another submissive girl that she can bond with.
But maybe seeing that many of the members here are respectful, she will see a reason to be part of the overall community.

[Fu****]

Yeah im afraid you don't get to tell me what to do.

[Sm****]

1 hour ago, FuriouslyNick said:

Yeah im afraid you don't get to tell me what to do.

You're not my sub; I have no intention of telling you what to do. But I do see you, who and what you are. I also see your obvious lack of self-control and sentence comprehension, and it's very telling of what kind of "dominant" you are. Best of luck.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, MarqueeAddams said:

Goooood luck buddy. I spent a decade doing just that, and I'm burnt out. Most of the people I've known to stand up for the community to the community have been run out of the community or worse.

I stand my own ground community or no I won't tolerate that disrespect to me

[Su****]

5 hours ago, SmalltownEnigma said:

It is an unfortunate situation; even in non-BDSM-identifying individuals, I respect their dynamics. A dominant's number one trait should be self-discipline. If they lack discipline, they don't deserve the title.

Exactly. It's a huge turn off

[Sm****]

10 minutes ago, SubBella666 said:

Exactly. It's a huge turn off

I tried to like this, but for some reason, it won't let me. But I appreciate your acknowledgment. I successfully convinced my sub to come back to the site with the positivity.

[Fu****]

"You're not my sub; I have no intention of telling you what to do. But I do see you, who and what you are. I also see your obvious lack of self-control and sentence comprehension, and it's very telling of what kind of "dominant" you are. Best of luck."

You literally posted a rant demanding accept your definition of "collar etiquette " as the one truth. Now you think I value your opinion on me.
Dude get a life, im sure you're a big man in your head, but no one in the real world owes you, anything.

[Mr****]

So I’m very new to this app. I have no idea about the etiquette, rules/norms of the bdsm community, I am not really here for bdsm specifically , I never tried it but would if someone cool or kind educated me on it, I have had a hard time finding friends and people that even respond to my spanks or msgs. My only stances would be, 1) I pay I guess the minimum, and there’s people I can’t contact, or can only contact through a sticker, so I’m assuming there’s a filter I saw on my profile, I’m sure there are ways around it especially if you live in the same area. 2) just like in any social group especially involving intimacy and sex, there’s going to be a group of ppl that are very big on taking someone’s partner/s, it’s a dominance and or a issue regarding emotional impulse control. I specialize in two areas of high end private security, even in high end night clubs, I have to always separate a group and try to deescalate or remove ppl because grown men (usually) are trying to hit on, seduce, lure, the women (usually ) away from the man or women that’s the most dominant one, or just disrespect the the most dominant one in front of the submissive one to try to establish dominance or to prove there )(dominance) while it’s in my eyes childish and disrespectful, it’s unfortunately humane behavior. In some biker clubs women wear a path on there legged jacket saying property of …. And it’s a serious problem if someone even says hi to them. It still happens, and not just out of stupidity or ignorance, my suggestion would be to talk to your sub, explain that you are well equipped to talk to and deal with anyone that tries to cross that line, and then assure them they have no reason to worry or feel some type of way. Unfortunately the truth is nobody owes you respect just because you think they should of they really just should in my eyes, but they don’t, the good thing is that you don’t owe them the respect either, I’d be cool calm collected, firm, deescalate but be ready to defend your boundaries, again I know almost nothing about the ins outs I only know about this because of what you said and I still don’t fully understand the rules. I can comfortably say I have probably been disrespectful without even knowing it, I am normally very respectful and only do it unintentionally or when I’ve been cornered pushed to a limit and have no other option. I hope you are able to find a good resolution to your issues with this and other apps but it sounds like an age old issue and as a dom you can educate, protect, and defend those that look to you for safety and security. I’m also open to hear your thoughts and wisdom in this area so I can better understand this world that I’m trying navigate and understand. Enjoy your week!

[Sm****]

Well, fellow kinksters, it was great to see the positivity the community overall still carries, seeing the amount of those that value the traditional etiquette of the community that help protect its image.
It was enough for my partner to return to the site where she could start connecting with other submissives and potentially make friends in the community. I thank you all for your input and time.

[Sm****]

36 minutes ago, Mr_Delta said:

So I’m very new to this app. I have no idea about the etiquette, rules/norms of the bdsm community, I am not really here for bdsm specifically , I never tried it but would if someone cool or kind educated me on it, I have had a hard time finding friends and people that even respond to my spanks or msgs. My only stances would be, 1) I pay I guess the minimum, and there’s people I can’t contact, or can only contact through a sticker, so I’m assuming there’s a filter I saw on my profile, I’m sure there are ways around it especially if you live in the same area. 2) just like in any social group especially involving intimacy and sex, there’s going to be a group of ppl that are very big on taking someone’s partner/s, it’s a dominance and or a issue regarding emotional impulse control. I specialize in two areas of high end private security, even in high end night clubs, I have to always separate a group and try to deescalate or remove ppl because grown men (usually) are trying to hit on, seduce, lure, the women (usually ) away from the man or women that’s the most dominant one, or just disrespect the the most dominant one in front of the submissive one to try to establish dominance or to prove there )(dominance) while it’s in my eyes childish and disrespectful, it’s unfortunately humane behavior. In some biker clubs women wear a path on there legged jacket saying property of …. And it’s a serious problem if someone even says hi to them. It still happens, and not just out of stupidity or ignorance, my suggestion would be to talk to your sub, explain that you are well equipped to talk to and deal with anyone that tries to cross that line, and then assure them they have no reason to worry or feel some type of way. Unfortunately the truth is nobody owes you respect just because you think they should of they really just should in my eyes, but they don’t, the good thing is that you don’t owe them the respect either, I’d be cool calm collected, firm, deescalate but be ready to defend your boundaries, again I know almost nothing about the ins outs I only know about this because of what you said and I still don’t fully understand the rules. I can comfortably say I have probably been disrespectful without even knowing it, I am normally very respectful and only do it unintentionally or when I’ve been cornered pushed to a limit and have no other option. I hope you are able to find a good resolution to your issues with this and other apps but it sounds like an age old issue and as a dom you can educate, protect, and defend those that look to you for safety and security. I’m also open to hear your thoughts and wisdom in this area so I can better understand this world that I’m trying navigate and understand. Enjoy your week!

I just saw this. I tried to make sure my messages were open to you. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to send a message. If you have any issues, let me know here.

[su****]

8 hours ago, FuriouslyNick said:

"You're not my sub; I have no intention of telling you what to do. But I do see you, who and what you are. I also see your obvious lack of self-control and sentence comprehension, and it's very telling of what kind of "dominant" you are. Best of luck."

You literally posted a rant demanding accept your definition of "collar etiquette " as the one truth. Now you think I value your opinion on me.
Dude get a life, im sure you're a big man in your head, but no one in the real world owes you, anything.

This guy obviously does not understand BDSM at all - why is this site and fetlife full of people like this? It’s so annoying.

[Sm****]

12 hours ago, sub03038 said:

This guy obviously does not understand BDSM at all - why is this site and fetlife full of people like this? It’s so annoying.

Honestly I think people with that mentality just think that is what dominant looks like. They equate it with aggressiveness.
The things I pointed out were long-standing community standards. I see no point in engagement with those that want to fight to prove themselves. The experienced subs will know to avoid these kinds of people, and the beginners will learn from the more experienced what to avoid.

[Nomad-2850]

Well that escalated fast. Anyway ive definitely learned how not to be i guess 😂

[Sm****]

On 6/4/2026 at 5:06 AM, Mr_Delta said:

So I’m very new to this app. I have no idea about the etiquette, rules/norms of the bdsm community, I am not really here for bdsm specifically , I never tried it but would if someone cool or kind educated me on it, I have had a hard time finding friends and people that even respond to my spanks or msgs. My only stances would be, 1) I pay I guess the minimum, and there’s people I can’t contact, or can only contact through a sticker, so I’m assuming there’s a filter I saw on my profile, I’m sure there are ways around it especially if you live in the same area. 2) just like in any social group especially involving intimacy and sex, there’s going to be a group of ppl that are very big on taking someone’s partner/s, it’s a dominance and or a issue regarding emotional impulse control. I specialize in two areas of high end private security, even in high end night clubs, I have to always separate a group and try to deescalate or remove ppl because grown men (usually) are trying to hit on, seduce, lure, the women (usually ) away from the man or women that’s the most dominant one, or just disrespect the the most dominant one in front of the submissive one to try to establish dominance or to prove there )(dominance) while it’s in my eyes childish and disrespectful, it’s unfortunately humane behavior. In some biker clubs women wear a path on there legged jacket saying property of …. And it’s a serious problem if someone even says hi to them. It still happens, and not just out of stupidity or ignorance, my suggestion would be to talk to your sub, explain that you are well equipped to talk to and deal with anyone that tries to cross that line, and then assure them they have no reason to worry or feel some type of way. Unfortunately the truth is nobody owes you respect just because you think they should of they really just should in my eyes, but they don’t, the good thing is that you don’t owe them the respect either, I’d be cool calm collected, firm, deescalate but be ready to defend your boundaries, again I know almost nothing about the ins outs I only know about this because of what you said and I still don’t fully understand the rules. I can comfortably say I have probably been disrespectful without even knowing it, I am normally very respectful and only do it unintentionally or when I’ve been cornered pushed to a limit and have no other option. I hope you are able to find a good resolution to your issues with this and other apps but it sounds like an age old issue and as a dom you can educate, protect, and defend those that look to you for safety and security. I’m also open to hear your thoughts and wisdom in this area so I can better understand this world that I’m trying navigate and understand. Enjoy your week!

I'm going to use this quote to tag him. I've been speaking with the gentleman for a few days now. He's admittedly new to the BDSM world, with a little experience under his belt. I know many of you lovely lady submissives and dominants don't know me, but you have seen my behavior. Personally, I think he would be a good fit for someone if anyone is interested in him. He seems to have a willingness to learn all he can about the lifestyle and is extremely respectful. 

[Ff****]

I dont want to speak out of turn or out of place but I think the collar has become to main stream. It's become a fashion item which demeans its correct purpose. Its also become stereotypical for submissiveness which is often falls prey to predators and variants of the same. As the collar has become a magnet for these predators its time to readopt a universal design and protocol for the collar wearing amongst all of bdsm practitioners.

[BlueGrace]

It has nothing to do with collars. It’s the simple fact that certain people have entitlement issues and openly refuse to accept and acknowledge boundaries. They want what they want and they feel like they don’t have to follow any form of decency. Message filters really help and it keeps the unwanted out. Some individuals do not care about rules, boundaries, collars, rings, etc and nothing will make them care.

[Ni****]

With permission, I would love to add perspective from someone very new to the BDSM world. In conversation, I was recently introduced to the BDSM world. I am very curious. However, struggling to find others with the qualities I am expecting. It feels to me as though every male I have met online calls himself a Dom. Could it be that others disrespecting the collar, are actually just not even Doms? It seems to me that the lifestyle demands such a high level of respect and self-control that imitators can be easily sniffed out. It’s just very unfortunate for subs and all the good Doms out there- I hope I can find the quality I am looking for before the imitators push me away completely. What a complex issue because not understanding collar protocol is also a great way to call out fakes.

[Sm****]

7 hours ago, Nixie2u said:

With permission, I would love to add perspective from someone very new to the BDSM world. In conversation, I was recently introduced to the BDSM world. I am very curious. However, struggling to find others with the qualities I am expecting. It feels to me as though every male I have met online calls himself a Dom. Could it be that others disrespecting the collar, are actually just not even Doms? It seems to me that the lifestyle demands such a high level of respect and self-control that imitators can be easily sniffed out. It’s just very unfortunate for subs and all the good Doms out there- I hope I can find the quality I am looking for before the imitators push me away completely. What a complex issue because not understanding collar protocol is also a great way to call out fakes.

Oh, I'm in complete support of people's perspectives. I encourage questions and analyzing the lifestyle.
You are completely correct in assuming that some are just playing the part of Dominant for the wrong reasons, and with this, some Submissives will ultimately end up being ***d and getting the wrong idea.

[Pleasure_Dom-6988]

The use of collars as a fashion statement is an insightful one. Even Tiffany's makes a necklace that could be taken for a collar. However, I would like to think that collars signify ownership. A Dom should not approach a sub except to get the name of the Dom, who then should be asked if his property is available for play and on what terms, presumably offering his sub in return. A D0m is free to reject of accept the offer.