Natural shifts in relationship over time?

[Sxxylxxy]

Hello! 

I am semi new to bdsm and new to this site. I am looking for friends and advice as my husband and I continue to explore our sexuality. Excuse the long post but some background is required. We met 4 years ago and very fast we took on a natural role of daddy/little. Neither of us had explored that lifestyle with other people. I have had a rough start at life growing up and with past relationships so my kink started as a way to feel secure by having a caregiver. We were not as into it as some i never dressed up or went down that path but i enjoyed having rules and breaking them . Being a bratt excited me . We had a long distance relationship.for 2.5 years and i had rules and regulations. Had to make sure i ate enough , went to bed at certain time, played with myself a certain number of times a week and send boobs once a day. In the structure i thrived and started healing as a person . Confidence went up and when we finally married i was a lot stronger a person. We have been married now 1.5 years and the rules and regulations are gone as well as a lot of the kinky sex. I have struggled with this . With our long work hours we knew it would be hard lifestyle to keep up with. I also have recongnized i do not fit or feel like im his little anymore or that that role suits me as the new person i am . Is this normal as time goes on for drastic changes like this to happen? My husband enjoys the control aspect , he likes being the boss, he enjoys spanking me but i wouldnt say the enjoyment comes from punishment or causing me ***. I enjoy rough sex , i have to feel a certain amount of *** to orgasm. Because of this anal is my favorite form of sex. How do we get back into the mind set of exploring limits what worked for us apart doesnt work inperson. We both want to explore and play but feel unsure how to start . We have very very busy lifestyles. I would love suggestions on how to cater to my husbands dominate side in a house where i cant get naked after coming home and kneel and wait by door . Or walk around naked because he wants me to forgo clothes that day like we used to when i would visit him . We have a family . I would also love ideas on how to safely and slowly explore what types of *** i may or may not like . How do you get over nerves? I feel a little blushy and embarresed when i think about what our first experimental playtime will be like . How do i work through with nerves ? I trust my husband 100 percent and i know vanilla lifestyle is not for us we have just gotten lazy. 

 

 

Thank you in advanced for advice 

[Ja****]

A few options:
He is getting it elsewhere.
He was never really into it.
You both stopped making the effort, saying "we are very busy" is just lying to yourself really. There should always be time for us, our partner. Especially since you do not have kids, it is not normal that you are not getting what you obviously NEED from your relationship. No matter if it is any level of sexual pleasure, time, fun, communication.

It just seems to have become "comfortable" for you, you should openly discuss this, especially because if you want kids or further "steps" in life, it will only get worse for both of you, you will continue "distracting yourself" with the oh so busy life and your relationship will die.

[Xabazulla]

Try putting on some sexy lingerie with a flogger and change roles maybe it exites him who knows!?

[ey****]

one of the big problems is sometimes life gets in the way - and sometimes life can shift the routine.   

But obviously there are things you are not happy with and it may also be very possible there are things your partner may not be happy with - so

The two of you need to find time to talk. Like, really talk and listen.  Chances are you've both fallen out of routine or structure, especially if life and family has thrown in a spanner.  So between the two of you you can work out what you both like and aren't doing and how to fit it in to your structure.

The pandemic has also been tough on a lot of people's routines so I would be unsurprised if that hasn't also had somewhat of an impact.  

This is what I want to do.... we're not doing it... how can we do it

Accept, of course, there may still be elements of 'life' in the way - but if you can do anything that is better than where you are now it's a plus.

[Je****]

2 hours ago, JamesTheDom said:

A few options:
He is getting it elsewhere.
He was never really into it.
You both stopped making the effort, saying "we are very busy" is just lying to yourself really. There should always be time for us, our partner. Especially since you do not have kids, it is not normal that you are not getting what you obviously NEED from your relationship. No matter if it is any level of sexual pleasure, time, fun, communication.

It just seems to have become "comfortable" for you, you should openly discuss this, especially because if you want kids or further "steps" in life, it will only get worse for both of you, you will continue "distracting yourself" with the oh so busy life and your relationship will die.

I agree with a few of your points here. Though i may point out this lady does state she 'has a family' so this may include children or adults in her home which she cannot be naked or explore kink in front of while in her private setting.

 

That said, i agree that there is maybe more than meets the eye here. Either he has found someone else (i would think unlikliest but who knows) or that he wasnt really all that into it as he portrayed (most likely).

Some times for people its easier to portray a side of kink they wouldnt normally, via online and chores etc, but when it comes to real life interaction some people can feel shy, embarrassed or awkward. He maybe liked the idea of you doing as requested while out of sight, but to see you possibly regress or refer to a childlike state may be difficult for him? (i am theorising forgive me if i have offended). Or he may feel embarrassed asking you to do certain kink things, which may come down to communication being very much needed?!

 

I wouldnt say its 'lazy' but 'comfortable' isnt always great either.. Sometimes we need to push oursleves and perhaps hes waiting for you to begin things just as much as you are of him?!

If things have fallen back into a 'vanilla' state and this isnt working for you, then you definately do need to talk to him. 

As someone else mentioned, a "real talk", hard to talk about things... About what you want and expect or even need from him and hear how he feels and let him communicate his needs, wants and desires also. Either way you need to have that discussion. 

Tell him you wish to do DDLG (if that is what you want to continue), aswell as general kink and rough play. See how he feels. Perhaps if home setting isnt suitable u can mix it up by having play dates, arranging childcare one evening a fornight or month to have some free time to be naked and let him have his way so you both feel wanted and loved. Try a hotel or do something naughty in public but discreet enough only both of you know about it, it may be a turn on?! 

 

Again i am sorry if anything i said is out of line, i am trying to think of possibilities other than its "fizzled out and no one is making effort". 

i wish you luck but again il strongly point you in the direction of a sit down chat to voice things, see if you can compromise and go from there. xx

[Ja****]

I agree with a lot of what has been stated. A long deep discussion with him is key. It is a comfort level not lazy. He could very well be uncomfortable with his new life, together with you, and living conditions because before he was outside looking in controlling you. That is why that talk is vital. Agree also that you need to make time to enjoy what you both liked. If he wants and you want to relive the past fun times, recreate them. Do some outside the box thinking about what was so fun for you pre . Harder with a family and not being able to do some of those past wants, desires, needs and still current wants, needs and desires. Good luck.

[Sxxylxxy]

Thank you all for your replies , like many suggested we had a long talk .  I absolutely do not think hes cheating so i didnt even go that route. Also i do have children in the house. But i did discuss how the shift in our sexual relationship has been bothering me and while i do feel i have changed as a sub mentally and physically I need the release that comes with bdsm .  I do not know what that entails beyond what we already have done together but i need to explore it . He said that he does not feel the need for bdsm on the level i do. That he enjoys being in control and he enjoys seeing me excited in ways only he can produce but that he is satisfied and happy when we have sex anyway that we have it that the domestication that came with our changing relationship has satisfied that part of his desires.  We went through a genreric checklist i found on internet of things he would like to try and things i want to try . Then we compared lists. I suppose it comes down to i dont know what all my kinks are. I was just suprised at how much me and him have changed and was afraid that he wouldnt be along for the ride. He said that you can like something but not need it and still enjoy doing it . Which is 100 percent i agree with , thats reasonable.  Why do i selfishlessly feel dissapointed that he doesnt need it like i do?  I ofc said that i was feeling that way and he hugged me and said we will sort it out.  It was such a difficult talk 

Edited June 29, 2021 by Sxxylxxy
Corrected a sentence

[Invisible71]

.... This situation has nothing to do with kink.

 

Relationships change and that applies to even the most secure vanilla ones. 

 

There is not simple way to turn the kink back on, you need to look at ALL aspects of your relationship, see where the issues are whilst excluding kink desires, be honest to each other about everything other than kink, work on them togther and make the relationship stronger. 

The kink side should come back naturally after that, but there is always a chance it won't and that needs to be accepted by both sides IF the relationship is to remain. 

 

Even in my vanilla relationship, when everythimg else has been talked about and sorted, it has not brought any intimacy back into it and its something that I've had to live without. 

 

Good luck. 

[so****]

Your husband is lucky I’ll just put that out there. If u wanna escalate the *** kink I think belts would be a good place to start and then move up to whip cane electro maybe wax. And I’m a full supporter of no clothes!!

[Deleted Member]

I agree that it's not related to the kink, it is a natural deviation in the relationship. It could also be taking each other for granted. Talking and reminding each other is important, but having kids around complicates things a bit. However, whrn the kids are in a different room, do something that deserves a slap on the bum. If the kids "catch" you, explain it as a joke.

[Th****]

Over time relationships develop a natural rhythm, it can get boring but you get distracted and the lifestyle gets moved aside for other priorities.

Once children are in the picture there is no way you are kneeling naked by the door as the kids may suddenly come home with friends 😱

However. if you can find someone to look after the children for the weekend then you two can go away to an Airbnb and get your freak on as much as you want.

No it is not the same but it is a good start and it sounds like what you two have is worth fighting for.

So next birthday, Christmas or special occasion when you get a gift ask your husband for "you and me alone somewhere*

Good luck, hope it helps and you can get through it.