Advice for someone who's inexperience

[Flower02-9398]

Hello, I've been interested in learning about bdsm since I was 21 but I've been way too shy and nervous to engage. I've seen people say you actually have to get into it to like bdsm and that you don't know if you like it or not since I have no experience, I do understand that but I do want really to get into it.

I'm in a good space now but I need advise on where to start as someone who is inexperienced. One of the things I'm interested in trying is service submission since I really enjoy performing tasks. Where exactly should I start first?

[Do****]

I would honestly start by familiarizing with what you actually want first. Research does wonders in this type of environment. I am also an experience and I am also in the same boat as being nervous when engaging or meeting people for first time. I'm newish to this community as well and what I mean by that is a year but only I'm at three people to do what we wanted. That would be my best advice for you is research, then ask yourself is this something I really want to do or experience. I don't make it so much more pleasurable.

[no****]

This is my personal recommendation as a slave: set strict limits, but be willing to slowly push them.

Do not allow anyone to *** you into submission or gaslight you.

Set a safe word, and make sure to use it if you feel uncomfortable.

It is always good to start virtual if you are too shy until trust is built.

But above all:
Submission is earned, not en***d.

The submissive is the one holding the power, the one that says when to stop.

If your Dom does not respect "no" it is ***.

[Luvablenut]

You need to start by chatting with a Dom(me) first. Find out what you want to experience and your likes/dislikes

[lo****]

one piece of advice i’d give you is watch out for people who might prey on your inexperience! just because they’ve done it before and you haven’t, doesn’t mean your standards and limits aren’t just as important. look out for people who will use their “experience” as a way to manipulate others

[si****]

1 minute ago, londongirl72 said:

one piece of advice i’d give you is watch out for people who might prey on your inexperience! just because they’ve done it before and you haven’t, doesn’t mean your standards and limits aren’t just as important. look out for people who will use their “experience” as a way to manipulate others

100% agree

[MD60]

Just throw yourself in baby, People will let you be yourself and take things at your own pace

[jo****]

Here is some general advice:

- Spend some time considering your own goals and limits before engaging with anyone.

- DO NOT meet anyone without getting a clear picture of their respect for those.

- DO NOT tell anyone that you have no limits.

Most of all, DO NOT meet with someone that does not ask you questions before you meet. There are a lot of assholes using the title of “Dom” that are just misogynistic assholes in disguise. A Dom treasures his charges

[lo****]

11 minutes ago, londongirl72 said:

one piece of advice i’d give you is watch out for people who might prey on your inexperience! just because they’ve done it before and you haven’t, doesn’t mean your standards and limits aren’t just as important. look out for people who will use their “experience” as a way to manipulate others

might be good to talk to people as friends, not only doms who are trying to have a dynamic with you. their advice to you can be skewed when they have something they want from you. talk to other subs who have explored the kind of kinks you want to explore

[Jo****]

Key thing I'd say is, start slow, work out what you like and what you dont and try to push you boundaries in the things you know you like. You might find for instance you really like impact play and waxplay. In those cases you might aim for longer and harder sessions over time.

From the perspective of a dom the most important words I can hear from a sub are 'No' and 'Stop'. I can kind of gauge from negotiation and looking at you what you might like and how hard I can go but it's not until you use your words that I have solid information on what's good or and and what's too much. So get used to saying them if you can.

Don't do things you don't enjoy because you want to 'please daddy', this is your experience too and you are meant to enjoy it. People will sometimes try to cajole you into doing stuff you don't like. Don't let them.

[Drfeelzgood]

Start with someone you can truely trust. To give yourself in such a *** dynamic can be both amazing and potentially dangerous with certain kinks (breatheplay adjacent more so). With a understanding seasoned dom you can dip toes and feet into the pool so to speak. You should be discerning, save the submissiveness for the play itself or at least once youve cut through the bs of guys online and found a dom you feel comfortable too.

I typically save interactions irl until far far down the line. A good way to start may be acquiring some toys and accoutrements like outfits, plugs, supplies and then with a dom trying out into stuff and requests/tasks. For example one of my previous subs was a former ex gf that reconnected years later. We spent the summer with daily tasks and chats, eventually moving to bigger tasks and them irl things when she felt ready to see each other like that. so a daily task would be something like wearing a toy for edging for an amount of time, surrending choices with her outfit to me, when shed go to the rest room and finish one task was she would have to edge 2 mimutes afterwards and inform me of what she did. Bigger tasks were once while at her riding stable she caught the farm hand eye fucking her, she confessed how hot he was and how bad she wanted it so i tasked her gently to approach him and ask him to help her dismount next time (shes short) and sure enough she ended up letting his hands linger and she gave him a tease and touch too.

The teaching points there were I never demanded. She liked being a brat but when she did not want to perform a task she simply said so and I adjust only to offer her a more suitable task or we would drop it. Sub/Dom dynamics thrive when theres consent and trust, on the surface unexperienced or uninitiated may think its the opposites because of the fun ropes and restraints.

My ex could always say no and I know she could lie but we had built ourselves up over time and we were in it for eachother not for the pure physocal/visual. Like if you're just superficially horny as a guy go jerk off, being a dom or domming someone isnt for a quick release. Its a relationship on a deeper level with plenty of visuals and physicality but its the control/trust that sits beneath it all. So when your on your knees, eyes watering, the sting and burning while you take more, its the knowing you could just let go and youll still cum out alive after surrendering and serving. Best of luck tho kitten! Be safe

[Ch****]

The way I see it is . You either born with it within you or your not. If you are not naturally like it in your own mind then you probably won't enjoy it. Personally it's always been there for me so never have to think about it I'm drawn to it. Some people treat kink as a fashion so will never fully understand it. Others might disagree with this but that how I am with it

[Etiam_mi_rex]

Everyone who's commented has given pretty good advice. The caveat that I don't think anyone has focused on would be how to select your dom. Because the right dom will make experimentation fun and exciting. Many self-proclaimed doms will be bossy and inconsiderate. There's a lot of them. Doms worthy of the title are harder to come by. If I were in your shoes, I'd reach out to experienced submissives individually who are on here. Read their profiles to see if they match the kind of energy you feel about yourself. See what they looked for.

You can also read kink articles. Many of those forums are written by subs sharing the lived experiences.

A trick to help you weed out Doms is to have them tell or text a fantasy sex scene to you. See if their actions of how they'd treat you in the fantasy gives you happy goose bumps. You can also see if they can adjust themselves to incorporate what you like or think you would like. Especially because you already know you like to serve, you'll probably be looking for a master, not just a dom. But your acts of service need to be rewarded. They can also allow for the wrong master/dom to hurt you. So be choosy.

Bottom line is this journey into kink is a process. A marathon, not sprint. Do your best to not rush picking a dom out.

[jS****]

Make sure you truly understand the definitions of the terms. Tons of people come on here and think they’re interested in ‘BDSM’ but they’re really looking for kinks and fetishes. Some of these things overlap, some don’t. As a general rule, unless you like *** for ***’s sake, S&M is def not for you. As another general rule, keep in mind BDSM is about 10% sex. If you read that and think “wait, what?! I thought it was almost all sex!” you’re probly looking for more kinks and fetishes, rather than strapping a 65y/o white man across the balls for two hours and sending him home sniveling and grateful. Make sense?

[Wi****]

Consider going to local munches and just meet people, it may give you an idea, you may make friends or meet mentors and you dont need to agree to anything sexual or to be alone or 1 on 1 with anyone

[ey****]

step 1 - be wary of anyone who tries to take you to an inbox for "advice" to isolate you from a thread, if they have advice to share it's best public.  If you happen to feel they're helpful and wish to DM then that is your call

step 2 - you will need to do some of your own learning, there are a lot of resources on the internet

step 3 - consider events in your community.   you want munches (which are socials) before any play events - take these as social.  Again, whilst less likely, be wary of anyone who tries to isolate you from the group

step 4 - when you do get into play, events, meets, etc - take things at your own pace.  You do not have to "try everything once" and if something fails a sniff test don't go down the road.  Consent can be revoked at any time, so even if you agree to meet someone to try x, y, z - you can drop it to just z if you're not feeling it

step 5 - if an interest is service submission. what does that look like to you? that is something to figure out a little.  Could you poss volunteer at an event? Like one of ours has a volunteer rota to run the bar

and importantly - a lot of people who are interested in BDSM, or kink, isn't everything and anything.  You don't have to be submissive (or Dominant) to be kinky and sometimes people feel like they're pushed into a role (by themselves if no one else) that doesn't fit them.  If something doesn't feel right for you, you don't have to do it. Try something else.

[Co****]

Openminded…Connection…Communication…Trust… Make Mistakes and Enjoy it. The process of learning what you didn’t you wanted is an amazing experience which shouldn’t be missed.

[la****]

18 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

step 1 - be wary of anyone who tries to take you to an inbox for "advice" to isolate you from a thread, if they have advice to share it's best public.  If you happen to feel they're helpful and wish to DM then that is your call

step 2 - you will need to do some of your own learning, there are a lot of resources on the internet

step 3 - consider events in your community.   you want munches (which are socials) before any play events - take these as social.  Again, whilst less likely, be wary of anyone who tries to isolate you from the group

step 4 - when you do get into play, events, meets, etc - take things at your own pace.  You do not have to "try everything once" and if something fails a sniff test don't go down the road.  Consent can be revoked at any time, so even if you agree to meet someone to try x, y, z - you can drop it to just z if you're not feeling it

step 5 - if an interest is service submission. what does that look like to you? that is something to figure out a little.  Could you poss volunteer at an event? Like one of ours has a volunteer rota to run the bar

and importantly - a lot of people who are interested in BDSM, or kink, isn't everything and anything.  You don't have to be submissive (or Dominant) to be kinky and sometimes people feel like they're pushed into a role (by themselves if no one else) that doesn't fit them.  If something doesn't feel right for you, you don't have to do it. Try something else.

Super cool advice!

[Submissy]

To be honest your in the worst place to discover honest "Doms". The best places are Munches and maybe using other kink dating apps. From personal experience every person I've met on here seems to just want to meet up for abusive sex then ghost streight after. I don't think I've met one genuine guy. So I would suggest BDSM forums where you can learn more without meeting the worst people. Please be careful. Don't meet them at their house. If they start calling you hood girl in the first few messages move on as they are not a real dom. Ask them what their aftercare routine looks like -if it involves care and comfort for you. If not move on they don't care for your well being. You need to test their truth before even considering becoming submissive. Submission is earnt from the Dom not given freely. Trust is the most important thing in Dom/Sub dynamic. No trust equals no sesh !!! Take care and feel free to message me personally for any more advice as I've found that dating in these types of dynamics is 3 times more dangerous for women than normal dating as there are a lot of psychopaths and abusive narcissists especially in this dynamic. So be careful !!

[jo****]

1 hour ago, Submissy said:

To be honest your in the worst place to discover honest "Doms". The best places are Munches and maybe using other kink dating apps. From personal experience every person I've met on here seems to just want to meet up for abusive sex then ghost streight after. I don't think I've met one genuine guy. So I would suggest BDSM forums where you can learn more without meeting the worst people. Please be careful. Don't meet them at their house. If they start calling you hood girl in the first few messages move on as they are not a real dom. Ask them what their aftercare routine looks like -if it involves care and comfort for you. If not move on they don't care for your well being. You need to test their truth before even considering becoming submissive. Submission is earnt from the Dom not given freely. Trust is the most important thing in Dom/Sub dynamic. No trust equals no sesh !!! Take care and feel free to message me personally for any more advice as I've found that dating in these types of dynamics is 3 times more dangerous for women than normal dating as there are a lot of psychopaths and abusive narcissists especially in this dynamic. So be careful !!

I am sorry for your experience here. I think most of the advice I am seeing seems to be more “take your time,” and, “don’t rush in,” so far. There are a lot of assholes that are just abusive with no idea of what it means to be a Dom and what a sub might need. Sounds like you have met them 🤗😢

[MD60]

Some lovely messages on here, how nice to have socieity who care

[Wa****]

Is it good to seek friends online to just be penpals share our fetish wants and needs? I had a message from someone earlier today said my age was a hard pass and I just innocently said well we both our beginners and they blocked me. I suppose yeah a lot of creeps out there but I meant it genuinely. Thanks for letting me vent

[jo****]

5 hours ago, WardPleasureDom33 said:

Is it good to seek friends online to just be penpals share our fetish wants and needs? I had a message from someone earlier today said my age was a hard pass and I just innocently said well we both our beginners and they blocked me. I suppose yeah a lot of creeps out there but I meant it genuinely. Thanks for letting me vent

I likely got you beat on age and this is not uncommon. I love to hear the perspectives of people of all ages and have made great friends despite the age differences. Hang in there