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Answer to “Do experienced subs ever seek out inexperience Doms?”


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Posted (edited)

I saw this question posed in another thread and thought I would share my perspective.  Keep in mind, I am not intending to speak on behalf of the sub majority, just for myself as a woman with sub tendencies.  I do want to caveat that I don’t live the D/s lifestyle 24/7 in all ways.  When I talk about D/s, I am primarily referring to bedroom/bondage/fetish activities.

For me, it’s not so much whether a Dom has years of experience.  My most significant Dom lover had never been a Dom before me.  However, it did come somewhat naturally to him.   He approached being my Dominant partner with a boldness and self-assuredness that made it easy for me to feel submissive with him.   So, while he didn’t have real world experience  as a Dom, he’d been fantasizing about for years, and when we were together he fully embraced the role.  He had devoloped a philosophy  on D/s relationships before becoming one, and it synced with my own philosophy and appealed to me.  It wasn’t about what he had or hadn’t done with other girls, it was about how and I were together.  A highly experienced Dom may have a completely different take than I do on what he wants out of a D/s relationship.  In that case, no amount of years as Dom would make him the right fit for me.

I’ve had another lover who hadn’t had lifelong Dom urges.  However, once I shared what I was into, he went for it! He planned D/s surprises for when we were together, and that was a lot of fun.

I had a cyber-only D/s relationship with someone who was very experienced.  In a lot of ways, that was fabulous in the beginning.  However, as time passed, he’d say things like “I wish I’d gotten a hold of you years ago so I could have shaped your submissive side and interests.. I’m paraphrasing, but the general idea  is that he wanted me to be a different person/sub than I was.  He wasn’t content to meet me where I was, which led to both of us feeling frustrated.

So, for me, it’s more about philosophy, fetish sync, an innate Dominance, and natural rhythm than it is about a Dom’s resume.  Again, other submissives may feel differently, but hope it is helpful to have at least one sub’s perspective.


Edited by MirandaGrey
Typo in title
People not accepting us for who we are is always hurtful. I am a very primal person. I have submissive urges but most guys dont really meet my eye because I am very dominant on my day to day life. I need that dominance you saw in your first partner and when I say I am a brat and someone says "dont worry I will beat it out of you" I get scared because I love my bratty side. I dont actually think someone could beat it out of me and I dont want to change. I love who I am for the most part. I want someone that compliments me. Someone I accept for who they are too. I'm glad you had some nice dynamics :)

I remember the original thread and there'd been other discussions around the time on the experience paradox - "if they want an experienced Dom/sub and I'm inexperienced then how can I be experienced if someone won't give me a chance to gain it?" 

Which is something can be frustrating for some of they want a quick fix.

I think, of course, your story shows this is possible for things to work with someone who was previously inexperienced - especially as it sounds like they took an initiative for their own learning and development.

I think some of my comments on the other threads were that I basically would find it a little concerning if someone was specifically seeking out someone inexperienced (because that sounds like a recipe for manipulation) but, that, of course - inexperience wouldn't be a barrier if you meet someone you otherwise connect with and/or can show a willingness to learn

As always, please correct me if I am wrong, but I am not stating fact; merely my own opinion. Thank you Miranda for bringing light to this, and to Blacksheep for emphasising the experience paradox. As a young man, and a relatively new member to the BDSM community, I am hindered by my age. "Age equals neither maturity, nor experience, nor skill." is a quote I created for my daily life, but seems to fit well with this community. It seems that people naturally doubt my abilities as a Dominant purely because I am young, but my primary philosophy on BDSM is the Adam and Eve concept. There has to have been a couple who kinky before anyone else did, and they had no website from which to draw knowledge; no fellow kinksters from whom they could ask advice. They simply had to experiment and discover what they enjoyed. I have always been quite passive (not submissive) in my daily life, so I find it quite liberating to realise that I am a sexual Dominant. I crave the ability to be in control for once, and found that I came quite naturally to the role of Dominant (in my opinion). I know what I want, and how I want it, and when I met the first Submissive I truly connected with, I did not need experience. We experimented with the knowledge we had of BDSM, but mostly just let our desires flourish. Sadly it came to an end, but I feel that I proved myself as a Dominant and I am proud of that. Sharks are born swimming, and I personally believe that while you can learn to be Dominant; that or being Submissive is mostly a natural desire that you simply hone (yes, through experience). After all, not everyone is kinky.

A thing with age that sometimes everyone should remember is that age does not coincide with experience.   That, there are people who are 30, 40, 50, etc. with less experience than someone who might be 20.

However, a slight advantage is that life brings it's own experiences

What is important is the way you demonstrate and present your abilities - and even without hands-on you can show this in the language you use and that people who see you are making a positive attempt at personal growth will also see you as more desirable than someone who appears to make excuses for their lack of progress, or who often seems entitled.

If someone doubts your abilities - then it's going to take a huge amount of your energy to try to persuade them - energy that's probably best spent elsewhere and you'll find other things slot into place.


I often worry of those who state they know everything.I think that we are all inexperienced as each partner brings new needs .Its ok to take your time and get things wrong .I have had many years of fun with great people,but equally have walked away from some who have emotional issues and should not be involved in a fetish relationship at any level .

37 minutes ago, Andysomers said:

I often worry of those who state they know everything.

yep - absolutely - if you're closed minded enough to think you know it all, you're not going to grow or adapt.

38 minutes ago, Andysomers said:

I think that we are all inexperienced as each partner brings new needs

yes and no.  it's important to know every partner is different - but with experience you learn some of your own likes and dislikes. You learn skills.  You develop a mannerism.

39 minutes ago, Andysomers said:

.Its ok to take your time and get things wrong

That is very true.

It is of course part of the learning - but, of course, there is a difference between what you got wrong as part of the learning and things you should have known. 


Although I agree with everyones comments..what it comes down to is nothing more than Honesty..In any form of relationship...so many things can and do go wrong because of a lack of understanding each others needs..It can be very difficult in admitting ones needs..so whichever side one is on ..and it takes two ..to make anything work..Encourage your partner  to open up...learn their weaknesses and use it as a way of finding out your partners needs...Same approach applies to a paying service...although more from the Dom...It is scary....Admitting ones inexperience  is the only way to get experience from those who are..!...It is so difficult to know if one is being truthful..Why one would seek out a Dom .? who is inexperienced. makes me wonder why..But there again..how does a Dom get the experience , or anyone else as a matter of fact..!...is there a hidden reason behind this post...?

3 minutes ago, Cassie34 said:

.is there a hidden reason behind this post...?

the original question was on another post and it feels so long ago - but it was around the time there were a couple of young males who identified as Dominant who were frustrated they were being shunned at not being able to demonstrate experience.   So, were really looking what their options were.

4 minutes ago, Cassie34 said:

But there again..how does a Dom get the experience , or anyone else as a matter of fact.

the easiest way is via a local community. Which I know can be off bounds for some.

When I went to fetish clubs when I was 18/19 I'd see someone doing something and ask if I could try when they were done - which led me to some of my first experiences at the time... when i came back... I went to a few workshops and this allowed me to use some equipment on others in a supervised environment and also try what some things felt like.   So, for example, a Lady who was helping helped me with my posture for flogging and caning others.

This is dangerously political - but being SEEN to be playing and learning flags to others that might be interested what you can already do and that you're putting in the effort to learn.  

But there are many other ways - and sometimes just going places and building trust lets someone want to help you and place trust in you.


I m not sure why you mean Political...it shouldn't be..!


perhaps political was the wrong word.

But, I think there is a positive spiral that if you're seen to be active, more will want to be active with you.  They can then see you're genuine and/or putting effort in.


Which ever way you look at it...it really does come down to honesty...I am having a problem in understanding why one would seek a Dom....or a partner who is inexperienced...?...


ah, got you.  Yeah - of course, it's worrying to *actively* look for someone who is inexperienced : but if you are inexperienced then it might be something where you're hopeful someone will whisk you away to turn into the perfect sub/Dom/whatever



Ok..I submit..Cassie


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